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October 14th, 2013, 07:18 AM
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momof8lopez momof8lopez is online now
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,306
Im really not feeling myself. I always get PP depression to a degree, where I'm edgy, stressed out, sad...so on, and so on. This time though I'm really out of it. I keep reliving my birth experience, almost dieing, almost loosing my baby, all the blood, etc. I look at him and ask myself "why was I spared?, Why was my baby spared?". Then, for the life of me, I keep seeing dh sitting in the back of the room, just staring at me but not at my side. Why was he not freaking out more? Why was he so calm? He says he was by my side the whole time, but I only remember nurses and dr's shouting at me. He says I was in a weird tunnel where the nurses had to actually get in my face to get eye contact with me. I felt before the delivery that DH was a bit cold......I know he has been stressed out due to our finances and such, not as much as me of course, but he handles things differently than me. I scream, shout, get pissed and all he does is hold it in and NEVER lets it out. I mean, NEVER. I asked him to give me his version of the birth experience, to open up about his fears and what he witnessed. He tells me all the horrible things that happened, but its like from a third person point of view. IDK, if its my hormones or what, but I want more. I want him to feel what I feel. Maybe he does, but he's not even close to showing it.

My body to me is horrifying. My stomache is so miss shaped, so disquesting.(msp). I've never looked like this PP. This c-sect has me all messed up. I told him this morning I will never have sex again without being fully clothed, lol. I already have issues because of my double mastectomy where I don't take my shirt off, now I can't even look at myself naked, let alone him. Feeling really insecure, depressed, so many things at once. This is not how I invisioned my last baby being born, I don't know how to process this at all. Any advice?
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Thank you Shortcake for my beautiful siggy..]

Momma of 8 beautiful children now. Most recent is Jerry Jr. born 11/19/12 at 37wk, 7lbs 6oz and 19.5inches and Baby Reymundo born 10/7/13 at 35w6d, 6lbs 7oz, 19.5 inches. Momma of 5 angels. New siggy to come!

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