Overwhelmed and Uncertain
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February 11th, 2014, 12:47 PM
Join Date: Feb 2014
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. We're both very happy together. Our relationship is stable and so loving. We both have good jobs. I just finished my degree and my boyfriend is in the process of getting his degree. I'm 23 and he's 32. I'm happy with my life now and enjoy that there are no disruptions. One thing that changed in our relationship recently was my decision to get off birth control. I was having side effects and took the advice of my doctor to get off of it and see if it would help alleviate some issues. For the longest, I've expressed disinterest in being a mother. I just don't feel as though I have that maternal chip. Well fast forward to now and I've determined I'm pregnant. I'm guessing I'm about six weeks and I'm feeling absolutely miserable.
I had my mind made up about terminating the pregnancy but after being on hold for ten minutes trying to get through to my local Planned Parenthood I freaked and hung up. I felt like it was a sign. I wasn't happy with the idea of terminating the pregnancy but I felt like I had no other option. My boyfriend was supportive of my decision but I know being that he's older he would be much happier with having a child - even if the timing isn't right. I was open to the possibility in about five years from now but certainly not now. But I felt I would have this sense of regret if I terminated the pregnancy. I know adoption isn't an option. My boyfriend would never let me go through with the pregnancy only to give the baby up after birth.
I'm terrible at keeping secrets so I told my sisters and mother. My older sister went through an unplanned pregnancy two years ago and she's been nothing but happy with her decision. My mother and younger sister were happy when I told them as well. My family is more religious than I am so I know they'd be very unhappy if I decided to terminate the pregnancy, especially after telling them the "good" news. At this point, I feel obligated to go through with the pregnancy but I'm just so unhappy. Everyone else is over the moon and all I feel is that I'm doing this for everyone but myself.
I feel guilty because I'm not happy. I have this disturbing hope there will be some complication and I will miscarry. Meanwhile there are women desperate to get pregnant or spend years and thousands of dollars trying. I'm just not ready for my life to change like this. I haven't had my ultrasound yet but I will be going next Thursday. Is there any hope for me and this baby? I want to be happier but I simply can't muster the emotion. Can someone please help?
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