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June 3rd, 2014, 10:37 PM
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deaths final kiss deaths final kiss is offline
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: WA
Posts: 661
Hi

I just left the Jan ddc... everyone suggested I go to the ttcal group. I posted in there first... but don't know that I belong there... I'm not sure when we will ttc.

I never thought I'd be "here" again... we had 3 reasons we shouldn't have gotten pregnant, (no AF since DD was born, nursing, and on the mini pill), so we KNEW this baby was supposed to be here. We'd been planning to ttc this fall, then ended up with a surprise.

I started spotting friday, spent saturday night in the hospital, for them to just tell me "it could be fine, or you could be having a miscarriage, and go see your doc Monday. Sunday, the cramps turned to contractions, and the bleeding was super heavy. The hospital post delivery pads didn't even help. I leaked all over the bed, so now I have a constant reminder whenever I change the sheets. When I was finally seen monday, she compared my u/s from 5w, and the new one from the hospital, and said the baby stopped growing around 6w. We were stuck in a room next to someone who, for some reason, was listening to their baby's heartbeat super loudly for over 10 minutes straight. They've never had mine going for more than a minute. I completely broke down. DH cranked up music on his phone to try covering the sound for me, but I could still hear it.

My last m/c was my first pregnancy, so it was easier to deal with. I could just shut down completely, and not have to worry about everyone else. We'd been talking about having another since DD was 1, and very excitedly planning for it all year. This time I started showing at 4 weeks, so nothing of mine fits, aside from my 'maternity' clothes that I just bought. I won't wear them now, it hurts too much. My boys were both ecstatic (I wouldn't have told them so early, but my oldest can tell by my showing, as soon as I know (at least the last 2 he's asked right after we found out)). My oldest is sad... but seems to be doing okay. My middle son doesn't seem to get it... which is okay, because I don't want him to be sad... but he does understand that the baby died, and bluntly asks people "did you know that mommy's baby died?"... I know he's not trying to be mean, but I break down all over again.

Dh wants to try again, as soon as we can. I'm afraid. During this, I've been told for the first time that I have a septum in my uterus that can increase risk of miscarriage, but may have had nothing to do with it. She said if I have another, we can remove it. I can't go through another m/c... I have major respect for the women who are strong enough to keep trying after many losses. I'm not that strong. I plan to be done having kids before I turn 30, which puts us in a pretty short timeline. It may seem silly to put an age limit on myself, but I'd like my children to be grown before I'm 60.

Not really sure how to proceed from here. My doctor recommended I wait 2 months to ttc. I'd definitely wait til we finished moving... but I don't even know if I could handle getting pregnant soon, even if my body can.

I cope by shutting down, and being numb... but that doesn't work when I have the kids/dh to be there for... but neither does me being an emotional wreck, and crying all the time. I blame myself, I was too stressed, I got sick too much in the beginning, my body is stupid... I know, I'm not supposed to, but that's how I am with everything. If I was (fill in the blank, good enough, better, etc) this wouldn't have happened.

I finally slept after a couple of days, with the help of medicine... between the physical and emotional pain, I can't fall asleep.

The contractions have returned to bad cramps... the bleeding has slowed a bit... but I'm now having shooting pains that feel like my round ligament is pulled. IDK if I've been trying to do too much to keep my mind busy, or if it's from trying to return to normal.

Anyway, thanks for listening...
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Angels 3-27-04 9wks, 6-2-14 8w5d

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