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November 5th, 2006, 09:09 AM
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jennifer97 jennifer97 is offline
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Location: New Mexico
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Sunday, November 3, 2006

Well, I'm sitting here at my computer on a Sunday afternoon. I am 6 days away from O. I have been pretty adament about not wanting to do the OPK thing, it didn't work very well for me last time, but I'm not sure I am going to hold out. I feel like I want to be doing something. If I just sit here and wait maybe it will be another year before I get pg again and I can't wait that long!

I told myself that if I didn't get pg by July, (which I did) that it was going to be the last month we tried. It was too exhausting worrying every month about whether or not I was going to be pg. I felt like I just wanted to get on with my life if it wan't going to happen. After all, I am lucky to have my three beautiful children. Some women don't even get one and that makes me feel a bit guilty around here! Maybe I shouldn't be complaining after all.

But now that I was pg, and m/c, there is now this huge desire to get pg again. I was imagining all of the wonderful things that I was going to be feeling. The feel of the little kicks and rolls and hiccups in my belly. The image of holding my new little baby in my arms and suggling him/her close at night. Wrapping the little bundle up tight after a bath and feeling it's soft little skin against my breast. I want a baby now more that anything in the whole world. But then again I can't do it for another year. My littlest is four and will be more than five if I get pg again. Isn't that too long. Will the new baby feel left out of our lives? Maybe the kids will be old enough to really take it under their wings. After all I am five years older than my sister. But is seems so different. I mean my son will be 9 years older than a baby now and my dh and his sister are 9 years apart and they are not close at all.

Oh, why do I feel like I have to do this. I have always dreamed about 4, but is there a time to give up on your dreams. I don't know why I am feeling this way now. Three days ago I felt like I was on top of the world. I didn't think there would be a chance we couldn't get pg this month. Should I even try now. Is it too early?

So those are the thoughts running through my head. And I think I'll go to KMart and see about some OPK's. At least try for a wonderful Christmas present...and then we'll see. I guess it will give me more time to lose weight. I sure want to be under 200 when I get pg again. Only 23 pounds to go and I think I can push that in a month...at least get close to the mark. We'll see!!
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