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January 1st, 2007, 05:52 PM
*Firefly*'s Avatar
*Firefly* *Firefly* is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 24,397
I'm so sick of crying alone. Hurting alone. Knowing it's never going to go away. It's always going to hurt. My heart will be ripped out again and again and again until eventually I just have to give up.

I want someone to hold me when I cry. To absorb my body's convulsions from the shear pain of it all. Someone to hold me and tell me its alright. Tell me everything will be OK.

It won' ever be ok though, not in this lifetime full of stupid trivial things that don't mean anything to me anymore. It's always going to hurt. It's never going to stop is it?

Someone please tell it ends, tell me all this pain stops. Tell me it goes away. Someone please tell me it stops...

Never think you're OK. You're not. Your just too exhausted right now to feel the pain Believe me it will be back consuming you before too soon. You will cry enough tears to flood China. Your heart will break repetedly until you can't stick it back together again.

Still waters become troubled. You will never be the same confident person you once were. And for a long time you will discount yourself as a woman.
Deem yourself unworthy.

I did. I do. I have.

I can't tell you what comes next. I'm still getting their myself. But I am still crying, still haunted, still devastated and numbed with pain. I wander around and around in the same circle and I can't get free.

My children are dead. My children are dead... my beautiful babies are gone...and I couldn't do a thing to stop them from dying, I could not protect them, I could not hold them and tell them not to be afraid. Live with that for long enough and it will drive you mad. I failed them you will tell yourself... what mother fails their child? A mother like me...

And of course none of it is true. You could not stop anything. You were as helpless as your baby.
__________________
Cause I know my weakness, know my voice,
Now I believe in grace and choice,
And I know perhaps my heart is farce,
But Iíll be born without a mask
~ Babel, Mumford & Sons



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