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February 2nd, 2007, 10:08 PM
Join Date: Dec 2006
I don't think they should have a huge say in it, since they're not the parents.
that being said, children aren't exactly mature when it comes to separating personal feelings from their actions. I.e., they don't have the rational faculties they need to realize that you can't judge a person based on the negative associations they have.
So if they'd avoid bonding with their brother, or not want to interact with him, or be angry with you and DH and the baby over this (and some younger kids might ... they don't know how to reconcile those feelings yet), I wouldn't use it. The fact is, they should be just as excited about this as you and DH are, because they will love him equally as much and their lives will be just as changed as yours! A young child that's already feeling resentment over the intrusion and upheaval shouldn't really be made to deal with
negative feelings on top of that. Part of it might be that they're feeling totally out of control right now ... I mean, I doubt you consulted them about whether you should get pregnant again. Not that you should have. But being completely powerless and subject to someone else's apparent whims is kind of emotionally damaging. They are having to deal with something that is changing their entire lives and it's out of their hands entirely. That would be upsetting to anyone.
But you're still the parents. I'm not suggesting that you let the kids vote to name him Dirtbike or Shrek. They will eventually get over not being able to choose his name but to minimize the discomfort, I'd suggest choosing about three names (all professional musicians if that's what you're after), including Miles if you like, and ask their preference. Ask if they'd choose Miles, Elvis, or Beethoven (for example
). You might be surprised by what they choose, and in any case, you could always use Miles as a middle name if they prefer something else. Or let them pick the middle name, and if he seems more like the middle name at birth they can call him that. Choosing the middle name (from pre-approved ones, chosen by you and DH) might help them feel like they have more to do with the pregnancy and more of a stake in their little bro.
So yes, they'd eventually get over it and it is your prerogative to decide whether they get any say at all, but it might be at the expense of an early relationship with the new baby.
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