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February 26th, 2007, 08:01 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar
*Bobbie* *Bobbie* is offline
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Monday, 2-26-07, 12w5d , 12 days since my baby's heat stopped beating

Sleep just wasn't in the plan for me last night and this morning. It sucks cause I really needed some. First it was a bathroom wake up, then it was the oldest being loud at 6:30, then it was the kids missing the bus, then it was the kitten being a pain. I give up!

I saw my mom, dad and sister yesterday. My mom couldn't understand at first why I wouldn't just do a D&C and get this over with. I finally got right down to it and said Mom it's an abortion! They take the baby out in pieces. I don't want anyone scraping my baby out of me. This baby grew to 11 weeks. Almost three full months! It has fingers and toes. It's isn't an embyro or a bunch of tissue. It's my baby. I just don't think people really understand how horrible it is to lose a baby this late. Well, Dave knows He has been such a blessing. I am glad he is the man I plan on spending my life with.

We did one of the hardest things ever yesterday. We bought the glass jar we are going to bury our baby in. I was really having a hard time figuring out what to put her in. I didn't want anything bugs could get in and I wanted something that had a seal on it. Michaels had a really nice heavy glass jar. We bought pink and blue markers to write on it and some ribbon and baby charms. I plan on laying her on pink rose pettals and a piece of a baby blanket.

Sometimes I think there is no way I am ready for this. Other times I just want it over.

I feel like something is wrong with me. Pregnant women don't make me sad or angry, they make me happy. Like there is still hope. I am not jealous of other newborns. I don't feel like I was cheated. There is a guy at work whose wife just found out she is having twins. She is 8 weeks. It doesn't make me feel anything negative. I am happy for them. People at work say to me "That isn't fair you lose yours and he gets two". Well I don't see it that way at all. I see it as his blessing to have two, not that mine was taken away so he could have two. I can't help but wonder if these feelings are normal. Shouldn't I be upset by these things? I just can't though. I don't have it in me. My baby wasn't meant to be. These other babies are.

I am sad because my dreams for a life with our baby have been shattered, but life goes on. I just can't let the grief define who I am. Yes it's sad, yes it hurts, yes it sucks, but my life isn't over.
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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