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March 4th, 2007, 10:03 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar
*Bobbie* *Bobbie* is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Sunday, 3-4-07, 13w4d, 2w3d since my baby left me, I guess technically I started my second trimester

I just don't know what I feel anymore. Part of me loves being able to still carry my baby with me, but part of me just wants to forget it ever happened.

I think back to the u/s we had at 10w that showed a healthy happy baby and I feel disconnected to memory. I feel like I wasn't even phased by the image. Like my mind knew something was going to go wrong. I didn't feel the connection like I felt with my other kids. Maybe I am just over thinking it. Maybe I knew from day one this was too good to be true. Maybe God just doesn't want us to have a baby together?

I was talking to Amanda last night and she asked if she can see the baby when it comes out. I am not sure if I am comfortable with that. We'll see.

I feel like I am going into depression. I just don't want to do anything but lay in bed. Most of the time I forget I have a baby still in me. I seem to have blocked the entire pregnancy from my everyday thoughts. I just am having a hard time thinking any of this was real. I am not sure if I even want to try again right now. I hear all the stories of babies being stillborn, or newborn deaths, or late term miscarriages and I just don't know if I could handle something worse than this.

We booked a cruise for April 14 and I am praying this will all be over and I will be feeling better. I still refuse to have a D&C. I just can't do that. I need to hold my baby. I need to be able to bury her.

I started drinking aloe again. It says it may help you miscarry. At this point I am willing to try anything. I have taken it before for other things, so I am not too worried about it harming me. I also got red raspberry leaf tea. Maybe something will work. It's worth a try. I just want to be able to have my body back. None of my clothes fit because of the belly. I lost weight with this pregnancy, but got a baby bump really quick. I loved showing so soon, but now it isn't any fun. I want my body back...as much as I hated it before...LOL I need to lose 20 lbs. Now it should be easy. Well easier anyway. I just don't feel like eating.

I am on vacation this week. I hope I miscarry soon. I also hope Dave can come home when it happens. Otherwise it will be my mom and she tends to freak out easy and overreact. Maybe I will ask my cousin if I have to.

I have had a killer headache, lower back pain again, and a little brown/pink spotting. I just want to feel normal again and move on with my life.

I am so sad that this baby wasn't meant to be. She would have been the most loved baby in the world
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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