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March 4th, 2007, 09:03 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar
*Bobbie* *Bobbie* is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Sunday, 3-4-07, 13w4d, 2w3d since my baby left me, I guess technically I started my second trimester

I just don't know what I feel anymore. Part of me loves being able to still carry my baby with me, but part of me just wants to forget it ever happened.

I think back to the u/s we had at 10w that showed a healthy happy baby and I feel disconnected to memory. I feel like I wasn't even phased by the image. Like my mind knew something was going to go wrong. I didn't feel the connection like I felt with my other kids. Maybe I am just over thinking it. Maybe I knew from day one this was too good to be true. Maybe God just doesn't want us to have a baby together?

I was talking to Amanda last night and she asked if she can see the baby when it comes out. I am not sure if I am comfortable with that. We'll see.

I feel like I am going into depression. I just don't want to do anything but lay in bed. Most of the time I forget I have a baby still in me. I seem to have blocked the entire pregnancy from my everyday thoughts. I just am having a hard time thinking any of this was real. I am not sure if I even want to try again right now. I hear all the stories of babies being stillborn, or newborn deaths, or late term miscarriages and I just don't know if I could handle something worse than this.

We booked a cruise for April 14 and I am praying this will all be over and I will be feeling better. I still refuse to have a D&C. I just can't do that. I need to hold my baby. I need to be able to bury her.

I started drinking aloe again. It says it may help you miscarry. At this point I am willing to try anything. I have taken it before for other things, so I am not too worried about it harming me. I also got red raspberry leaf tea. Maybe something will work. It's worth a try. I just want to be able to have my body back. None of my clothes fit because of the belly. I lost weight with this pregnancy, but got a baby bump really quick. I loved showing so soon, but now it isn't any fun. I want my body back...as much as I hated it before...LOL I need to lose 20 lbs. Now it should be easy. Well easier anyway. I just don't feel like eating.

I am on vacation this week. I hope I miscarry soon. I also hope Dave can come home when it happens. Otherwise it will be my mom and she tends to freak out easy and overreact. Maybe I will ask my cousin if I have to.

I have had a killer headache, lower back pain again, and a little brown/pink spotting. I just want to feel normal again and move on with my life.

I am so sad that this baby wasn't meant to be. She would have been the most loved baby in the world
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (23) Amanda (20) Matthew ( 6) and Daniel (4).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (24) and Krista (21)
step-grandma to: Wesley, Rosemarie, Scarlett



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon.
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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