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March 15th, 2007, 11:18 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar
*Bobbie* *Bobbie* is offline
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Thursday 3-15-07

Today isn't a good day. I feel pretty depressed. I have been crying, my tummy feels likes it is still cramping. I just want to stay in bed all day. I need to get up and get over to the dr's office to get my note for work though. It just makes me want to cry more. I don't want to get up today.

I couldn't sleep again last night. I just couldn't stop thinking about losing this baby. I really miss being able to at least carry my baby even if she wasn't alive. It was comforting to know she was still there before. I just feel empty right now.

I had horrible dreams last night. I even woke up crying in the middle of the night. I also forgot to put Amanda's clothes in the dryer for her before I went to bed. I felt HORRIBLE this morning. I know I let her down and probably ruined her day. It's tough being twelve!

Part of me want to be pregnant again right now so I have something positive to think about. When I really think about it though.... I wanted THIS baby. I want my baby back. I just want to curl up and cry.

I also really want to have sex again. The waiting sucks. It is making me frustrated knowing I want to and can't yet. Dave was a bit shocked last night when I told him that. I guess he figured that would be the last thing on my mind right now. He fell asleep with his hand on my tummy. That made me want to cry too. I know he wants our baby back as much as I do.

My bb's are sore again. I know my hormones must be really messed up right now. I think I am going to buy some Dollar Store HPT's to see if I can tell when my levels get back to normal. Plus it will give me somthing to do.

I love these boards, but it can get so depressing to see all the loss everyday. It also hurts to go on the Sept DDC and see everyone happy and knowing that is now lost to me. I also really miss the laughter over there and am curious to see how they all are doing. I just can't win. One of the girls just posted that she is having a girl. She is the first to find out. I had a feeling she was having another girl. I am happy for her.

For the first time I am getting scared to think about ttc again. I feel like with this miscarriage my innocence regarding pregnancy was lost. It will be so hard to just be happy when I see a BFP again....if I do. It sucks to think that I was pregnant at 15 when I shouldn't have been and now that I should be, I can't have a baby. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my son and wouldn't do it any different if I could have but....why is it so hard now?

I also seem to be worried about everything in general right now. I worry about going back to work and having them mad at me. I worry if the kids are a couple minutes late. I worry about silly things too.

I just want to feel good again. I don't want to cry anymore. I want my baby back. I wish we had named this baby. I wish I didn't flush that ###### toilet! I wish I could have at least been able to say goodbye. I wish this baby was alive and I could be one of the ones feeling her kick for the first time this week. I would have been 15w1d. It's been 4 weeks today since we lost the heartbeat on the doppler. Life sucks..........
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Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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