Can I join?
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March 24th, 2007, 11:17 PM
Join Date: Mar 2007
Hi ladies. First off, I am so sorry for your losses. I lost twin boys, but they were not stillborn which is why I'm not sure I belong here. Gavyn lived a day, and Colton lived for two. My boys were born at 24 weeks while I had general anesthesia for my c-section. I never got to see them born, and was only in the NICU that night for truly five minutes. I was on morphine and I don't think I was thinking clearly. They had told us everything was ok with them, and I felt so helpless standing by them when I couldn't even see their faces for all the tape and tubes. So, I saw my first son once before he died, and never touched him alive. They brought his body to us in the hospital room and that was the time I had to get to know him. My second son died soon after that, but thank God I spent about 40 minutes with him before he died, once again not touching him because of how thin his skin was and because of stimulating him too much. We knew he had a sever brain bleed and was only alive because of the vent so we made the decision to take him off. We were given the option of holding him down in the NICU or having him brought to our room. The NICU was crowded and I couldn't imagine doing it there, so I had him brought to me. I was so shocked. I never, ever thought that they would have to sedate him to remove the vent and everything, so I was totally unprepared for him to look and feel just like his brother did. His heart was only beating 2 or 3 times a minute, so basically I never held him alive either. The only pictures I have where you can see anything are the ones the hospital took after they had died, and only of Gavyn then. Coltons got lost or were never taken.
Because of all this, I don't feel like the loss of a child board is right for me. They all have memories that I can never have, and its very sad for me since that has been the hardest thing to deal with. I could have been with them more, but between the drugs, my own emotions, and being told they were doing well I chose not to, and I can't undo that. I was also terrified my stress would somehow be bad for them to be around.
It has been almost 3 years since they died, and most of the time I'm much better but sometimes I still need to talk about them and feel like I'm not alone. Everyone else in my life has moved on and I wouldn't feel right calling up a friend who never lost a baby and retelling the story for the 1000th time.
My problem with being here is that I did still get my boys for a little while. I still have some memories of them moving, and while I could still be hopeful they would be ok. If I'm not comfortable on the loss of a child board, why should you all be comfortable with me here? Please, please, please be honest about it. I would never want to be here if it would make anyone sad, ever. I won't be offended at all, I understand your feeling on the matter completely.
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