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April 26th, 2007, 09:19 PM
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On Monday my doctor called and had me come into his office. It was time to schedule the D&C. We scheduled it for Tuesday. I went and got my bloodwork done, they put the "blood band" on me. I was told to leave it on until after the procedure. I preregistered at Day Surgery. I went home drained, feeling depressed, empty, alone. DH hadn't really said anything so it even felt like it didn't matter to him.

On Tuesday I went in when I was supposed to. I waited 4 hours before they told me I had been bumped out by another procedure. I am terrified of hospitals so this really bothered me. But everything was rescheduled. My D&C would be Thursday at 11 AM. I had to be there at 9 AM. I went home angry and feeling like the hurt would never start to feel better. DH had taken the day off to be with me but could not get Thursday off no matter what, he had to go in at least until his co-team leader got it at 9:30. I had to find a ride again, find a babysitter again, and didn't think anyone could help me.

My mom decided to take more time off work to spend Thursday and Friday with me. She would take me to the hospital and wait with me till DH got there then she would pick up the kids for me and she said she'd take care of them for me so I could rest Thursday and Friday.

Today, Thursday, came and I woke up early. I had had to take a sleeper just to sleep the night before. I took a bath knowing that I wouldn't be able to take baths afterwards. The kids stayed asleep so I tried to relax, and cry for a while. Then my mom helped me get them ready so I wouldn't be tempted to eat or drink. We dropped them off with my dads neighbor, who found a way to babysit for us. Then we headed to the hospital.

After we got there the registration nurse recognized me and asked me how I was. I was numb. After an hour in the waiting room I started to freak out. Hospitals are my worst nightmares so my mom went and talked to the nurse, one of them took me for a walk and I started hyperventilating. I have spent too much of my life watching family in the hospital that I can't even visit my sister when she's in the hospital, much less be a patient myself. They took me to a bed immediately, gave me a self heating blanket, and gave me some oxygen. I started to calm down and the anastesiologist came and talked to me. He ordred a medicine to relax my nerves immediately once I explained my fears and why I have them. Soon after I had my IV and they gave me the medicine. It relaed me, and DH arrived as I was getting it. My mom left. Dr. S came and talked to me. He explained everything, helped me calm down and told me he's been doing these since 1995 and has only had 1 patient that had subsequent scarring but she had an infection to begin with. Me an DH talked and then they came to take me back. They told me I would spend 1 hour in recovery, no one could visit in there, then I would come back to where I started for 30 minutes to an hour when DH could come back. They gave me another shot to calm my nerves again, and took me back. I don't remember going back. The next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery alone and again scared. But my nurse from the first room came to see how I was and told me DH was waiting for me. She told the recovery nurses of my fear of hospitals and they talked to the doctor who said as soon as I was stable, to transfer me to the first room for observation so DH could be with me. about 20 minutes later I went back out and DH wasn't there. He had stepped outside to call my mom and dad. So my nurse (I love this lady she was great) went and got him, told him I was back out. He came in and about 40 minutes later they were letting me get ready to go home. My doctor came in and talked to me. He said that it looks like my body had absorbed most everything, though there was a little left. This is when it hit me, there was nothing left inside of me. Faith was truly gone. Then we headed home.

I got home and my mom had taken my kids to the florist. She had gotten 1 white rose, with a card "To Fath, though we never met you, we already loved you and we miss you. Gramma." ANd the kids had gotten a bouquet of colorful flower with a fake butterfly. That card said "Faith has wings like a butterfly, to fly up to the heavens." 2 of my co-workers had sent a card with DH. The front said "In Sympathy" and inside it says "Thinking of you in your sorrow and wishing you strength in the days ahead, God bless you." I was shocked. I've only been working with these 2 for 2 weeks, only a few shifts yet they cared enough to send me such a wonderful card. This time I don't have people telling me "its just a miscarraige", instead they're telling me "its okay to cry." WOW. With the family and friends that I have now, I know I will be ok, I will still hurt, but I have friends, family to talk to, cry with, people UNDERSTAND that I am hurting and that I need friends now and later.

I know that in time I'll be OK. I know I will always miss all of my angels, but I also know that I am bleesed. I have my kids, my friends, my family to help me. The kids make me smile even when I want to cry, and my friends an family seem to be there just when I need them most.
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