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April 29th, 2007, 01:56 PM
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4/29/07

Yesterday I did a March of Dimes walk. It was wonderful. They did a dove release and she said "for all the babies who grew thier wings all too soon." The walk was very healing for me and I feel much more stable now. I still hurts but I feel at peace with myself.

Today was trial by fire for me. I went to church and saw my SIL who is due in 2 weeks. I have been angry that she's still pg because her husband is a drug using guy who pays zero attention, other than yelling and harrassing to their 3 yr old daughter and he won't even get a job. It bothered me that she gets to keep her baby when that is happening already to her daughter. But I am happy for her because she doesn't have to go through this pain. Then I saw the newest baby in our church. 2 weeks old. I didn't feel angry or resentful like I thought I would be. Such a sweet little guy and I got to hold him. His dad is my friend but didn't hear the news yet and asked how my pg was going. I told him it was over and he said he felt bad about bringing his baby in the same week I had all this going on but honestly it gave me hope.

But now my big problem is DH. I am so ready to try again for another baby. He wants to wait, for a long time. I know its important for us BOTH to be ready so I know I have to agree but I agreed based on I will NOT go on any hormonal bc and I will not get any IUD or Nuva Ring or anything like that. So we have to figure something out that will owrk for both of us. I know he needs time to grieve, I still am, but I am ready to move on too. Not forget but to try again and hope and pray that the next time everything will be OK. I am ready because I have faith in believing that my Faith, and my other angels, did what they were supposed to do, maybe teach our family about love, grief, and faith itself, I don't know. But now they are in Heaven and what better thing to look forward to in the end than seeing my angels again?
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