For those of you who read the TTC boards, you know about my post there ...

I am NOT stressing about having kids. Yes, I really want to be pregnant. No doubt about that. DH wants another baby too, but he doesn't talk about it. He doesn't get excited when I am one day late. If he does, he doesn't show it. He says that he will be excited when we get a verification from a doctor. "Until then, one of has to be sane." I am not like "I have to be pregnant or else" ... it's not like that. It's just I have my heart set on a big family, and I have absolutely no control over anything.

I am just very upset about having every symptom, being late, getting faint positives and then getting slammed this morning with a 5th BFN and AF. Those of you who are TTC (or ever have been) or have had a miscarriage know what it's like. It's not stress or worry ... it's desire. Does that make sense?

I am 20 and I've been pregnant 4 times ... once in high school (it was a chemical miscarriage at 17), then Danny, and then another c/m/c in April, and now this. It's just so wrong and it hurts so much.

I don't want to be told to relax and just wait it out. "Calm down, it will happen" is the last thing I ever would want to hear. I am just so upset right now, moreso because I really was excited and thought instead of posting something sad, I thought I'd be making my grand announcement that yes, I am pregnant. But no. It's just me again, little old me, I've had another miscarriage and well, I guess it's off to try again this month. Except now ... right this minute I could never have sex again and not care. To know I'm just going to get hurt again over and over makes me want to just never have kids again, or even try. Just stick with one. He's happy, he's healthy and he's already here.

I am not the type of person who can just not think about things. I am constantly thinking about things. Stuff that happened 10 years ago I still think about. Why? Because I'm a thinker! I have always been this way, and I always will be. I won't change, I can't change. So telling me not "to think about it" is a moot point because it's physically impossible for me.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach right now. I haven't been eating well the last couple of weeks, I haven't been sleeping either. I tossed and turned all night last night. DH fell asleep within 10 minutes ... I waited for over an hour, and then Danny woke up. And then I'd fall asleep for 20 - 30 minutes and then I'd wake up. Over and over and over. Until finally at 5:30 this morning I just woke up and ... well.



And now, let's add insult to injury!

One of my closest friends calls me last night. Says her husband of nearly 20 years has left her and wants to separate. She's the one who lost her baby last week while on vacation in Hawaii. He just up and left her (we suspect he's been cheating .. it's a really long story). She called me last night so upset and angry. How could any man do that, I'll never know. Especially right after losing a baby. He told her she's made him miserable since the day they met. Told her she's vicious and vindictive (not an ounce of truth in that). Amazingly, and this is quite a coincidence .... he left her within hours of her sending an email to the woman we suspect he's been cheating with ... to the woman's boss to let her know that she's been using the company cell phone for phone sex ... and that she's having raunchy conversations on AOL while at work (complete with copies of emails and IMs) ... Coincidence? I think not ...


Thanks for letting me vent. I hope this doesn't offend anyone ... no one needs to respond, I just needed to let this all out before I imploded.