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October 26th, 2007, 12:01 AM
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Ceres NY
After trying to get preg for 6 months I had a dream one night that I went to the doctors and he told me I was 8 months preg. I said no way I'm not even showing. I looked down and a baby grew out of my stomach. My husband came in and was happy and asked what it was and I said I dont know and went to look. It was a boy and we were so happy.
Well I remembered the dream in the car while we were out and was telling my D/H he pulled right into cvs and said go fet a test so I baught a 2 pack. When I got home I went in the bathroom and took it expecting it to be a BFN like every other month but to my suprise it was a BFP I was so happy I ran outside and told my hubbie and anyone else who was within a mile. I went to the doctor when I was 7 weeks because I was having pain in my left ovary or so I thought thats what is was they did an abdomianal u/s and everything looked fine I was even able to see my bean who was measuring right with my dates. I didnt get to see a heartbeat because she said it was to small. I am really sad now that I didnt even get to see or hear the heartbeat.
Well between then and week 10 we moved to a different town and since everything was fine I decided to find a midwife and set up am appointment with her for Oct 31. In the mean time I was doing great no more m/s and was starting not to be so tired. I was thinking this is great when I hit week 12 I am finally in my 2nd trimester no more worring.On thursday night I had a dream that I was bleeding and went to the hospital and they put me in a room and no one would help me. On friday night I had a dream that I had a baby but it was only like 5 in. long but it was alive and I was trying to save it but it died anyway.
Well on sat. at 12weeks 4 days I noticed a very little bit of blood and thought it was from having sex earlier that day. I went to sleep and woke up the next morning, went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was enough to cover the paper and it was bright red. So I decided to go to the ER just to get checked out. He checked me and said that there was blood which I already knew. So he took lots of blood and sent me for a u/s. First she did abdominal and I was asking if she could see the baby and she kinda blew the question off and went on to do a pelvic u/s I was trying to look to see if I could see the baby and again asking but still got no answer. She said she would sent it to the doctor to look at and sent me back to my room. I knew then there was somthing wrong and was already crying I have had plenty of u/s and knew what to look for and saw nothing that looked like a baby. After waiting for about another hour the doctor finally came in and said I have some bad news, it looks like you are starting to have a miscarrage. He said my hcg levels were 2360 and should be around 26k. I was in shock and crying and failed to ask very much of anything. I did ask if I could leave now and he said well we arent going to just throw you out take some time to calm down. Well after about 1 min of crying my eyes out I just wanted to go home or just get out of there I'm not sure I just didnt want to be in that little room where I just heard that my baby had died. I went to the nurses desk and asked he to get the IV out of my arm because I wanted to go, she told me I had to wait to get my rhogiam (bad spelling) shot and it would be another 30 mins but she did take the IV out so I could go outside. I thought it would help to get out of there but when I did all I wanted to do was go laydown and cry. So we went back and waited. I was laying there thinking and realized I had no idea what to expect since I had no cramping and I always thought when you have a miscarrage you cramp really bad. So I went to the dest and asked my nurse what to expect, she gave me a look like huh then asked havent you has a miscarrage before. I told her no and she just said you will bleed alot more cramp like your period and a clot will come out . After that I went to my room cried some more got my shot and left. In the car on the way home I started to think maybe they are wrong maybe the baby is fine and they are just missing somthing, maybe the levels are just messed up. I think it helped me some what to be in denial it didnt hurt as bad if I still had hope. My MIL was at my house watching my kids and she has been getting on my nerves as it is so I was already dreading getting home because I knew she was going to ask the big question that I didnt want to answer. I didnt even want to think about it much less have to say it. It was somthing that I guess if I didnt have to say it it would not be real. Well as soon as I walked in the door she asked it, so what happened is everything ok? I broke down again and said no the baby died. She said oh no then went on to say well its better that you lost it now than later on and somthing was probally really wrong with it thats why it died. What I dont understand is how she thought this would make me feel better. Then she said she had a miscarrage before and I would be fine. The more she talked the more I wanted to just block her out I so badly just wanted to tell her to shut the hell up. Regardless if there was somthing wrong or not that was my baby I wanted it for so long and loved it from the second I found out it was growing in me. The one that gets me most is your young you can have another baby haha at that I just want to scream I dont want another baby I want the one I have in me now the one I have been carrying for the past 12 weeks having another baby is not going to be able to take the place of the one I already love so much. So she had a miscarrage and she was fine what does that have to do with me right now I am not fine and honestly dont want to be fine. Then I thought how can you talk about that and not be sad about it she was saying it like she had one and she was fine with it like it was nothing.
The next day I called my midwife to see if she could see me and since I had not gone to my first appt yet and now I was high risk she said she couldnt. So now I had to find a doctor that would see me which seemed impossible because either they didnt take my insurance or I wasnt an established patient. Finally on tues. I called a place and begged them because it was my last hope and she said she would take me. I went in that afternoon. She did a very quick exam on me and sent me to ultrasound. The u/s tech was so nice she showed me everything and explained it to me. She said that the baby was no longer there and must have infused with the sac. After that was done she sent me back to the room and the doctor came in she was the nicest doctor I have ever been to she sat with me for about 30 mins and answered all of the questions I could think to ask. She offered to do a D&C on thurs or I could wait a week and see what happens. I asked if I could talk to my DH and she said yes call her on wed. and let her know. I was really scared to go for the D&C so I decided to wait and see.
It is now friday and still no cramping no really heavy bleeding so I am still just waiting. I have now read everyones natural m/c stories and I am so scared and thinking maybe I should have picked the D&C. I just kinda wanted to be there when this happens and not asleep I want to be able to say goodbye. I feel so alone I know all of you have been through this but the people around me just expect me to get over this already. My MIL looked at me today and said you look like you are depressed. Whats wrong? I was just like what the hell is wrong with you. Althought I just said somthing like what do you think. I mean I dont understand why they think that I would be over loseing my baby so fast not to mention it is still in me.
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