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  #16  
December 20th, 2007, 08:47 AM
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Shyflutterby Shyflutterby is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Aurora,CO
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It just dawned on me that I haven't posted in here! Soooooo Here's my story.

While I was preggers I had a small bought of depression...it was triggered by finding out that I was having a DD instead of a DS. As I layed on the gurney and was told....Yup it's a girl I cried......I cried as if I was just told my baby was no longer living. Since I worked at a Clinic that does Ultrasounds the Tech was a friend of mine. And boy was she shocked by my reaction. Heck even i was shocked. I knew I wanted a boy always have. Even all my baby dolls growing up were boys. So, For the next few months other things in my life went haywire....vehicle breaking down, hours cut at work, a death of a child close to me. It was horriable....but like normal I was able to climb my way out of that darkness and back to my happy go lucky life. Then I delivered Shyla........I was so out of it that if it weren't for my Mom and sister I would have slept thru it. And because of that I used to get so mad at myself. I would apologize over and over to my DD because I wasn't good enough for her because I missed her birth. But I never really thought of it as PPD....I just thought of it as a normal regret. As the time passed I would do little things when ever Shyla would get upset such as laying her in her bed and yell at her "fine since you don't love me I'm going to take you to your father and you will never see me again" the second those words would leave my lips I would instantly start crying because I could never ever leave her. So i would pick her up and just hold her and kiss her and tell her I was soooo sorry over and over again. This was an almost nightly thing. then finally one night after doing that I realized what was wrong with me. I had PPD. So after sitting on a waiting list for a month to get into to see my Dr I showed up and I cried to them about what a horriable mom I was because Shyla cried ever night and I would tell her I was gonna leave her alone. My dr just smiled and told me that he's glad that I came in. Gave me Zoloft and told me to see him again in a month. Once I started the pills the more i could see exactly what I was doing that was just NOT ME. I have always been able to deal with everything with a nice coool calm attitude. heck I could have a blow out arguement with someone without raising my voice. That's how much self control I normally have. but i had gone from that calm cool person to yelling and snapping at everyone i came in contact with that upset me. I also realized that there real is a dark cloud that hangs over someone who is suffering from depression of any kind. So I call PPD the darkness. I lived in the darkness for the first half of Shyla's life.

I still have recently been forgetting to take my pills, causeing me to have alot of up and down days. Like the past few days. I have had alot of stressers happening and I'm back in the darkness. I hate being in the darkness. But I know that I can get out of it again.
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