Confused and Upset
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October 21st, 2005, 03:50 PM
Join Date: Oct 2005
First of all I just want to thank you for reading my message...
My name is Lindsay. I am 20 years old. I lost my baby about a month and a half ago, Sept 2. The pregnancy was not planned at all. I was dating a guy and I moved so we broke up. 2 weeks later after I moved I realized I was late. It did not worry me because my period was irregular. Well after I was a month late I took a test and it came out positive. I was so upset. Even though I know a baby is a blessing I was still in shock. The thoughts "what am I going to tell my parents?" "How am I going to support the baby?" " Will the babies father even care?" went threw my head. Well I finally told him and He asked for an abortion. He is 25 years old and was not planning on having a baby. Espeically with me. Well I told him I would not abort the baby. I do not believe in that. I think if you think you are responisble enough to have sex you should be responsible to deal with the consequences.
He talked to his brother and his sister -in-law and realzied he did not want to go his whole life thinking about a baby he could of had. Well after we decided to keep the baby things went smooth. We were happy. We lived about 3 hours away from each other so it was hard for us to see each other. We dealt with it though. We started to fall in love. We were so happy with each other. We had so much fun, and had so many laughs. Well I finally told me parents and he told his and they were happy with one another. My parents were real supportive with the situation. They did agreee with what happened but things happen for a reason and we need to deal with it. Well the next 5 months were great.
I wake up one morning not feeling to good. I go to the bathroom and I see blood. I make an emergency appointment with my doctor and I go in and I miscarried the baby. It was and is one of the worst days of my life. I was getting so excited about the baby. I had things picked out and made plans. I told my bf and well he cried. He came up as soon as he could and just broke down crying in my arms. Everything we did and saw for the next 5 days reminded us of our baby boy. Well 2 weeks later he decieds that things between me and him were moving to fast nad he was not sure if he loved me for me or was trying to love me because of the baby. In my head and in my heart I felt like he loved me. Well soon enough we got back together and I was happy again. And just as fast as I was happy I was sad again. He said we were not meant to be and it was not working out. So between losing the baby and losing him my world was falling apart and there was nothing I could do about it. I could not sleep I could not eat I could not do anything. Just cry in bed and thinking about everything I lost. I would lay there and ask God "Why" Just when I needed my bf the most he left me. He said that it was to hard for him and that he needed alone time. And the whole what I needed was him.
My mother and sister lost their first baby. They say it gets easier but how can it. Everyday I sit and think I would be this big, this far along. The pain never goes away and the thought never goes away. I think about his cute little nose, little fingers and little toes. I want my baby back. I dont understand this. I know God has a plan for everything but why losing my baby. What possible lesson or plan could he have for me. My bf and I are back together again. But now I am not happy. He use to make me feel better. He knew what I was going through and he knew how I felt. But now I feel hopeless. I hurt every day, every hour, every m in, every sec. It wont leave my mind. Will it get easier, will it stop hurting so much? I know that I am not the first person to lose a baby and I know I will not be the last. But I never thought it could happen to me.
Now I am 2 days late on my period. If I am pregnant again I dont know what I will do. I am so restless with everything. I have so many things in my head. I turn to God alot at times like this. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that God would not put me through something I could not handle. What does not kill you will make you stronger. I just do not know where to go from here. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am so angry,upset, sad,depressed all the time. I am angry at everyone and everything. I just dont know anymore.
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