[Emily_In_KSA]

I am still trying to process my son's birth...it's still so very sureal and strange. I wouldn't say I'm "grieving" per se, but my birth experience was definitely different than I had imagined it. To be honest, it kind of feels like I was pregnant and then I was a mom - with nothing in the middle.

After two failed inductions (I was due 12/7 and still pregnant on Christmas..I didn't want to be induced but I didn't have much choice) my doctor came one evening and said "if there is an OR available tomorrow I am going to do the c/s"...the next thing I know I am being RUSHED down to an emergency c/s...the cath was literally shoved in me with out any warning and everyone kept yelling at the nurse to hurry up. I got into the OR with no epi (and no one but the patient is allowed in the OR in this country) and when they gave it to me on the OR table I was really upset b/c I immediately felt that my doctors were counting the seconds...they kept saying "you can't feel this can you?" and I would say "yes...you are pinching me" and they would say "ok but like, it doesn't actually hurt does it?" and I'd say "yes..it feels totally normal"...I just had this deep sense of fear that they were going to start before the epi took. Welp, they waited and waited and finally they started..I didn't feel in initial cut but I felt everything after that. My BP and HR were so high the doctors demanded I be knocked out...I kept begging them not to put me out b/c I wanted to see my baby's birth. They kept drugging me up until I was TOTALLY out of it. I have no memory of my baby being pulled out, I never saw the cord...nothing. I couldn't even see, I remember coming in and out of consciousness and all I could see was brightness, I couldn't actually focus on anything. Finally I zoned in on the sound of a baby crying...I asked the doctors if my baby was ok and they said "not only is he ok, he's ready for school" (he weighed 9.7 pounds). I kept saying "are you sure my baby is ok?" they said "yes, he's wonderful"...then I said (I was drugged out of my mind) "ok, but is he cute?" lol...they said "yes, he looks just like you"..I remember them bringing the baby to my face several times but it wasn't until the last time that I actually could focus my eyes long enough to see him. I remember his smell...I remember that he stopped crying when I kissed him...I didn't see him again until I was in my hospital room about two hours later.

I was also shocked about how painful the recovery was...I was walking around and going to the bathroom by myself the same day that I had my c/s, but the pain was just more than I was prepared for. People who have c/s's always act like it's no big deal (and I am probably guilty of that now that it has all passed) but I was totally not aware of how utterly painful and horrific the first few days of recovery were going to be.

After that I was so caught up in new-mommyhood that I didn't really have time to process the whole situation. I am trying really hard not to be sad or do the "what if" game b/c I know none of that will change anything...and I am also so thrilled to have a healthy baby - but yea, the experience was definitely not what I was expecting.

My doctor thought he did me a favor (he is a friend of one of my best friends) and said "see, there were no operating rooms available but I told them you needed an emergency c/s so that's how we got a room..AND..you got a Christmas baby!" uh, gee..thanks. Just what I always wanted - the most important day of my life was totally rushed with no regard made for my emotional well being - awesome!

Anyway...not sure I made a lot of sense with my post, BUT..that's my story. It hasn't changed my feelings about wanting more children though, not at all.

~Emily