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future_adoption_mommy August 29th, 2010 11:30 AM

Talking about Adoption.
 
I was reading on another site about how some families don't talk about their child's adoption. The child knows they are adopted, the family just doesn't talk about it.

Do you agree with this? why or why not?

I'm not trying to start a debate, I'm just very confused as to why a family wouldn't talk about the adoption if their child is adopted. Again I'm not trying to start a debate I'm just confused.

eash August 29th, 2010 02:25 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
What do you mean, not talk about.....
There is a theory that your child's adoption story is his own. So, I won't talk about the story of my son's birth family to anyone but my husband and my son. It is his personal story and does not need to be broadcast to anyone and everyone. If my son feels that he wants to share it when he is older, that is his choice, it is not my choice to do so.
Other than that, I am not sure what someone might mean about not talk about their child's adoption.

SuperMartianRobotMom6 August 29th, 2010 03:29 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
I disagree, when we adopt children were going to discuss their adoptions. We actually want semi-open adoptions to make it easier for our children to meet their birthparents if they choose. (At an age they can handle.) But its a very open thing, adopting a child is a beautiful thing and I think the story/stories should be shared with family and friends and openly discussed.

Jessie0505 August 29th, 2010 04:44 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
I will let my children know they were adopted. I will talk about it with my husband but not anyone else but family. However if he/she wants to talk about it they can with whomever they choose. That is their history/story and i cant change that. Seeing as we will be adopting from foster care..i will try to maintain a relationship with the birthparents..but my child will know why he or she was adopted by me weather it be abuse or neglect..he or she WILL know. That is just what i feel! :) I think its all in your discretion once they are your child!

eash August 29th, 2010 06:57 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by OperationBabyDance (Post 21347030)
I disagree, when we adopt children were going to discuss their adoptions. We actually want semi-open adoptions to make it easier for our children to meet their birthparents if they choose. (At an age they can handle.) But its a very open thing, adopting a child is a beautiful thing and I think the story/stories should be shared with family and friends and openly discussed.

There is a difference between celebrating adoption and discussing your child's personal information. Family and friends do not need to know details about your child's birth family or story of how they came into your care. The problem is that you can never take that information back once it is released. Your child has no say in how that information is spread. You are not only breaching the privacy of your child but the privacy of the birth family.

You can easily celebrate adoption without discussing personal information about a child's history.

Kari_B August 29th, 2010 07:55 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
We plan on being very open about our adoption, with our child and with anyone who asks. I won't share every nitty gritty detail but how our child came to us is also OUR story too. We are starting our family and friends and I want people to share in our joy as we go through this process.

To each their own I guess.

future_adoption_mommy August 29th, 2010 08:54 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
What I mean by not talk about adoption is, they don't talk about the adoption even in the immediate family. The child knows that they were adopted but they don't know their story, how they came to be placed for adoption. It would be different if the parents didn't know, but they do, they just don't talk to him about it. The mom says "He's part of our family now it doesn't matter how he came to join us."

I agree with Kari and Jessie, if I know why my child was placed for adoption (I realize that won't always be the case, especially if I adopt internationally), then I'll tell them what I know when they have questions. I'll give them age appropriate answers of course, but I'll tell them their story as much of it as I know anyway.

Just_Marie August 29th, 2010 09:37 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
This issue came up this summer, we had friends and family introducing us as the family with the adopted kids-which was a lie, not all of our kids are adopted, and people who don't know us do not need to know intimate details about us. There are family members out there who will not accept your adopted child as a true family member, sad but true. My three children do not need to be singled out as the ones whose birth parents didn't want them. They are told now they are adopted, DS1 knows the three are adopted, but it does not matter in day to day conversation with strangers or family.
I was asked which of the four are ours. I replied, they are all ours, they have our last name, they live in our home. Silly questions deserve silly answers.
Open adoptions are a fabulous idea, but there is a reason why my provincial government seals all adoption files-for the protection of all involved. Open adoptions are also a grandiose idea, but not in all cases. I have a friend who has two adopted kids from two diff families; the first ds has contact with his bio sib and mom; her second is a little girl who was dropped of at the hospital by mom at birth-wants nothing ever to do with that baby girl ever again. How will that little girl feel when her older brother is visiting "his" family each Easter?
Our adoption is open in that the bio grandparents receive emails and pics from me, when I decide they should. Bio mom came to visit with grandma in April, and she will never be in contact with any of my four children again. They are my children and I need to protect all of them, if I ever see her again-I will walk the other way. Sometimes there are very good reasons why you don't want open adoptions.
We don't hide from our children that they are adopted, but strangers don't need to know, b/c the negative circumstances always come up, and my children do not need their private information disclosed to strangers and family.

eash August 30th, 2010 06:19 AM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MarieJ (Post 21349712)
This issue came up this summer, we had friends and family introducing us as the family with the adopted kids-which was a lie, not all of our kids are adopted, and people who don't know us do not need to know intimate details about us. There are family members out there who will not accept your adopted child as a true family member, sad but true. My three children do not need to be singled out as the ones whose birth parents didn't want them. They are told now they are adopted, DS1 knows the three are adopted, but it does not matter in day to day conversation with strangers or family.
I was asked which of the four are ours. I replied, they are all ours, they have our last name, they live in our home. Silly questions deserve silly answers.
Open adoptions are a fabulous idea, but there is a reason why my provincial government seals all adoption files-for the protection of all involved. Open adoptions are also a grandiose idea, but not in all cases. I have a friend who has two adopted kids from two diff families; the first ds has contact with his bio sib and mom; her second is a little girl who was dropped of at the hospital by mom at birth-wants nothing ever to do with that baby girl ever again. How will that little girl feel when her older brother is visiting "his" family each Easter?
Our adoption is open in that the bio grandparents receive emails and pics from me, when I decide they should. Bio mom came to visit with grandma in April, and she will never be in contact with any of my four children again. They are my children and I need to protect all of them, if I ever see her again-I will walk the other way. Sometimes there are very good reasons why you don't want open adoptions.
We don't hide from our children that they are adopted, but strangers don't need to know, b/c the negative circumstances always come up, and my children do not need their private information disclosed to strangers and family.

Thanks for posting. I think many feel that adoption is this blissful event that turns up roses and dandilions. Although my son is a gift, it was not an easy process and there are many tears involved and many difficult decisions. It is nice to hear other real stories and I think every real story helps dispel some of the naivite concerning adoption.

future_adoption_mommy August 30th, 2010 08:37 AM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MarieJ (Post 21349712)
This issue came up this summer, we had friends and family introducing us as the family with the adopted kids-which was a lie, not all of our kids are adopted, and people who don't know us do not need to know intimate details about us. There are family members out there who will not accept your adopted child as a true family member, sad but true. My three children do not need to be singled out as the ones whose birth parents didn't want them. They are told now they are adopted, DS1 knows the three are adopted, but it does not matter in day to day conversation with strangers or family.
I was asked which of the four are ours. I replied, they are all ours, they have our last name, they live in our home. Silly questions deserve silly answers.
Open adoptions are a fabulous idea, but there is a reason why my provincial government seals all adoption files-for the protection of all involved. Open adoptions are also a grandiose idea, but not in all cases. I have a friend who has two adopted kids from two diff families; the first ds has contact with his bio sib and mom; her second is a little girl who was dropped of at the hospital by mom at birth-wants nothing ever to do with that baby girl ever again. How will that little girl feel when her older brother is visiting "his" family each Easter?
Our adoption is open in that the bio grandparents receive emails and pics from me, when I decide they should. Bio mom came to visit with grandma in April, and she will never be in contact with any of my four children again. They are my children and I need to protect all of them, if I ever see her again-I will walk the other way. Sometimes there are very good reasons why you don't want open adoptions.
We don't hide from our children that they are adopted, but strangers don't need to know, b/c the negative circumstances always come up, and my children do not need their private information disclosed to strangers and family.

Thank you for telling us your story Marie. I appreciate that you took the time to type it out.

I'm not talking about telling strangers about your child's adoption story, I would never do that, it's not their business. But I see no problem with updating my family on the adoption process while future DH and I are in it and sometimes that might include telling them "we have a possible adoption, here are some very vague details." My family will be going through the adoption process with us, why not tell them vague details about it?

SarahBethsMommy August 30th, 2010 01:15 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
Since I'm adopting through foster care and also a foster parent we make what we call "Life Books." In these we put all information we can get. They are scrapbooks of sorts, but unlike most scrapbooks that only show the "nice stuff" in life, these show all parts of their lives. I journal everything that happens. Visits with family. When the family decided not to be a part of his life anymore. I try to put a positive spin on it all, but somethings are just hard.

This will be my son's book to have forever. Wherever he goes it'll go with him and he can read it or not as he gets older. I think it is very important that all kids have the option of knowing their history, but I don't think it should be forced on them either.

Also, I have a friend who is my age. She was adopted at birth by her biological grandparents. At her father's funeral her mother introduced her to everyone who came through the receiving line as "our adopted daughter." It just broke her. She felt so singled out by it. I know her mom was trying to explain why their daughter was SO young compared to them, but to her it just made her feel like not part of the family.

future_adoption_mommy August 30th, 2010 02:12 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SarahBethsMommy (Post 21356945)
Since I'm adopting through foster care and also a foster parent we make what we call "Life Books." In these we put all information we can get. They are scrapbooks of sorts, but unlike most scrapbooks that only show the "nice stuff" in life, these show all parts of their lives. I journal everything that happens. Visits with family. When the family decided not to be a part of his life anymore. I try to put a positive spin on it all, but somethings are just hard.

This will be my son's book to have forever. Wherever he goes it'll go with him and he can read it or not as he gets older. I think it is very important that all kids have the option of knowing their history, but I don't think it should be forced on them either.

The Life Books sound like a very good idea, I think I'll do that and just make sure that my child knows that I'm willing to read it with them if they want.

Just_Marie August 30th, 2010 03:23 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
I know how lost some adopted adults feel, esp when there is no info on the bio parents at all, I have five adult friends who were adopted and are still trying to "fit in" and be accepted, despite living 95% of their lives with adoptive families who adore them. My three don't need to be singled out as special b/c they are chosen or adopted, all four of my kids are special just because they are alive. In a perfect world, all adopted children will come to us as orphans, with no traumatic or negative history, but this isn't real most of the time. When I say trauma, to realize in your heart that your bio mom handed you to a stranger, thats what I mean by trauma and neg history. My kids will have to deal with the fact that the person who grew them, didn't want to spend her life with them. I think girls esp deal with that abandonment.
And I think sharing your story is a little like telling everyone you're TTC and it doesn't happen right away, you'll know for yourself when you don't want to share anymore.
I like the idea of the Life Book-but I'd rather focus on all the wonderful that happened once these guys all entered my home and our lives, but leaving the facts there, when they want them.
Sorry, I'm rambling;)

SarahBethsMommy August 30th, 2010 03:43 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
I learned about life books in our classes to become foster parents. Our county doesn't require that we do them, but they encourage it. I personally find them wonderful things. I had a sibling group with us for a while and the oldest was 6. She loved helping me put it together and I gave it to her when they went home. We put LOTS of pictures of things we did while they were here (played in the snow, went to the circus... fun stuff). But I also journaled about stuff that happened while they were here and such. I didn't put down anyone in the book, just stated facts. And I made a BIG deal of making a page about them going home and their parents being so excited about getting to have them come home. I am not sure if their parents will allow those pages to stay in, but I hope they at least keep them. It is part of their lives and at least two of them were old enough to remember it and need to have their history together.

Kari_B August 30th, 2010 05:44 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
I don't think that I'm being naive to the realities that adoption will bring into our lives and our children. I just know that I will be open and share with the people in my life that are closest to my children. I'm not going to single them out as the "adopted children" by any stretch of the imagination. My children are my children... point blank. I don't care how they came to me, they are mine. But I also happen to believe that adoption is a wonderful thing to be able to experience and I am happy to share it with anybody that wants to know more about it. Just as I was/am about our TTC struggles and our journey with MA. I'm pretty much an open book, and while I won't be running the streets telling everybody I pass that I am infertile and that my baby is adopted... I'm more than willing to share my story and help open the eyes of the world around me so that infertility and adoption aren't such a hush-hush topic.

Jessie0505 August 30th, 2010 06:26 PM

Re: Talking about Adoption.
 
I totally agree with you Kari.


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