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-   -   Question for birth moms (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f440-birth-moms/1023606-question-for-birth-moms.html)

ShannonMVT April 15th, 2008 08:33 PM

My SIL (Dh's sister) is 5 months pregnant with an unplanned child. It's with a guy she is dating, but before she found out I don't think they were serious. He says they can live together and raise the baby but I don't think he's mentioned getting married. She's a Christian and he's not. She wants the child to be raised in a two parent Christian home. But at the same time her heart is telling her she wants this baby. So now she is having to make a tough decision.

My Dh's opinion is that if she gives the baby up for adoption, she will always regret it and have guilt about it. But I don't think that is necessarily true.

I was just hoping to get some perspectives from some birth moms. How did you make your decision? Do you feel guilt/regret about the decision you made? Sorry if this is too personal.


melissa. April 15th, 2008 08:38 PM

Not too personal! I would love to help out!

Although my adoption remains very open and I see my daughter frequently.. I have NO regrets at ALL. My daughter deserved the best that life could offer and I made that happen for her. I am proud of my decision to offer her that life. She lives in a two parent, Christian home. I couldn't have asked God Himself for better parents for her. :inlove:

I hope this helps and if you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask! We're here for y'all! If she needs to speak to someone she is welcome to come and chat with us about it. We aren't the most active board, but we try. ;) We are all very happy to offer help to anyone who might be facing the same decision we did. :smile:

Keep us posted, if you don't mind..

tsxylilmomma April 16th, 2008 08:33 AM

While my adoption isn't as open I do not regret it either. I wanted what was best for her and she has to wonderful parents that adore her.

I hope your SIL all the best. It is a hard decision. Please KUP on what she decides.

BoobyDutyAgainJen April 16th, 2008 07:30 PM

My birth daughter was placed, by my choice, with a single mom. She has been raised in a loving Christian home with only one parent and I couldn't ask for better! I feel strongly that you don't have to have two parents to grow up with good morals, faith, respect, love. If she wants to give her child up that is up to her and the father. If not I am sure her strong Christian family will help and guide her in raising this baby.

Keep us updated. I hope she finds peace with her decision.

TeresaMarie May 28th, 2008 02:38 PM

I do regret my decisions.
I joined the Army when I was 20 and my son was almost two. I wanted to created a better, more stable life for him (and myself). When I joined single parents were required to relinguish physical gaurdianship of their child to another adult who could care for their child while at Basic and AIT. I was told there would not be a problem reversing this.

When I returned my father and stepmother had started having my son call them mom and dad. I was distraught and heart broken. I was discharged from the Army (uncharacterized discharge) and had no job, place to live, etc. My father is wealthy and I had no idea I could have found a free attorney.

My parents kept my son who is now 18. They say they were fearful I would contact his natural father (who is a drug addict and who I would NEVER consent to visitations with) so gradually stopped letting me take Steven anywhere. The heartache was horrible and as Steven got older we started drifting apart. Now my son is living the same childhood of hurt and confusion that I lived and I am powerless to stop it.

If I had only had someone who believed in me as a parent to encourage me. I would have kept Steven and been a good mother to him.

My father was controlling and even as an adult I feared him getting upset with me. I was made to feel like a complete failure.

So when I found out I was pregnant 3 years later there was no option but adoption. How could I, a complete failure, raise one child, let alone two?

The adoption was closed and I regret that. It is only by chance that I heard the last name of the adopting couple and the names of the twins. I'm lucky in that regaurd and in that I was able to hold and cuddle them both before leaving the hospital.

Yet 15 years later I still have bouts of grief.

I wouldn't suggest adoption to anyone who is pregnant. Instead I would provide resources for her and contact names and numbers of people who could encourage and help her through pregnancy, birth and raising a child alone.

I say this, if God had not wanted this young woman to be pregnant and give birth, it would not have happened. There must be a reason God has granted her this child. But I do not believe God wishes mother's to ever be separated from their children.

ShanMarie May 28th, 2008 07:24 PM

Quote:

I wouldn't suggest adoption to anyone who is pregnant. Instead I would provide resources for her and contact names and numbers of people who could encourage and help her through pregnancy, birth and raising a child alone.

I say this, if God had not wanted this young woman to be pregnant and give birth, it would not have happened. There must be a reason God has granted her this child. But I do not believe God wishes mother's to ever be separated from their children.[/b]
I have to disagree here. Yes, adoption is not for everyone. But that doesnt mean that you should discourage anothers thoughts on the option. I am a birthmother and when I got pregnant at 18, just graduated from HS I didnt know what I was going to do either. I knew that God had a plan for that child, I just didnt know what it was at the time. It wasnt until I was 6 months along that I realized that He gave me that child so that another family could have a child. God gives us things that we are supposed to gift to others, even children. The mother that adopted my daughter went thru early menopause and was unable to have any more children. So by your thinking, she doesnt deserve any more children because God didnt want this woman to have more children and that is just wrong. I am so happy that I was able to fulfill this family's dream of having another child. Their family is now complete and sure they could have received another child, but the one I carried was meant for them and I fully believe that. God has a plan for our lives and we never know what it is until it is the right time. Sometimes God gives us children to teach us what unselfish love is all about. I would much rather tell someone that is not in a position to raise a child about adoption than not and have that child wind up in the system. Any day of the week and twice on Sunday!!


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