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-   -   Is this odd? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f440-birth-moms/1415015-odd.html)

cupidsgirl January 29th, 2009 11:03 AM

I am a sixteen (almost seventeen) year old girl in California. I just found out yesterday that I was pregnant 23 weeks. I know I can't care for a baby, even with all of my family's support. I'd rather place it in a better home so that is why I chose adoption. Along with that reason, I was adopted by my step-dad who is caring, loving, awesome, and been there for me forever (since I was four). I can't imagine life without him. My mom was adopted by my grandparents who are wonderful. I am really close to my family and I think it will be nice to bless a family with a baby like my grandma was blessed with my mother.

I know I'm jumping forward a little bit; I don't know the first thing about giving up a baby for adoption. I don't know much about babies PERIOD! But last night I was laying in bed and thinking about it. (couldn't fall asleep!!!) I had these little images of the birth (totally scary) going through my mind. I decided that I want the mother that is going to adopt my baby there in the delivery room with me, if possible, and if she wants to be. She will be the one raising it and maybe it will make a stronger mother-child connection. Is it odd that I would want the woman raising the baby there instead of my own mom?

Jessica C January 29th, 2009 11:31 AM

Hi, my name is Jessica and I've been on JM for quite awhile now and DH and I have been ttcing for a year. We've gone thru 4 months of fertility meds (Clomid) and 2 failed IUI's and are now looking to adopt. I read your post and see that you are thinking giving up your child for adoption. I think that is one of the most giving things you can do in life. DH (Paul) and I are still checking into the whole adoption process, but I am wondering if you would consider us as adoptive parents. DH and I live in Washington state which isn't that far from you really. I just saw your post and haven't had a chance to talk to DH about this, or even see what he thinks about this. As I mentioned we are just in the beginning processes of trying to figure out which way to go in the adoption arena. We do know that we'd prefer to have a newborn, but we aren't sure how much is involved in that when it comes to the whole procedure. Please keep us in mind during your thought process.

Jessica

I attempted to send this to you via PM, but it came back as undeliverable.

cupidsgirl January 29th, 2009 11:57 AM

Quote:

Hi, my name is Jessica and I've been on JM for quite awhile now and DH and I have been ttcing for a year. We've gone thru 4 months of fertility meds (Clomid) and 2 failed IUI's and are now looking to adopt. I read your post and see that you are thinking giving up your child for adoption. I think that is one of the most giving things you can do in life. DH (Paul) and I are still checking into the whole adoption process, but I am wondering if you would consider us as adoptive parents. DH and I live in Washington state which isn't that far from you really. I just saw your post and haven't had a chance to talk to DH about this, or even see what he thinks about this. As I mentioned we are just in the beginning processes of trying to figure out which way to go in the adoption arena. We do know that we'd prefer to have a newborn, but we aren't sure how much is involved in that when it comes to the whole procedure. Please keep us in mind during your thought process.

Jessica

I attempted to send this to you via PM, but it came back as undeliverable.[/b]
Keep in touch? :]
cupidsgirl@sbcglobal.net

szczepanski January 29th, 2009 12:05 PM

Juno -

I was in a similar situation to you - except I was 18, not 17.

As much as I would have loved to share the birth with the adoptive parents - I kind of wanted that to be a special moment for me and Kate. I knew that I was going to give her up the second I realized I was pregnant and the moment that she was born, I was grateful that I had the chance to spend a few moments with her.

In fact, I didn't even pick out the adoptive family until the day after she was born! I have an open adoption - we share pictures, emails, phone calls and I can visit whenever I want. She is almost 5 now and her parents are absolutely amazing.

You are incredibly strong for making the decision you are making. There is really no right or wrong way to do it - it is all about what YOU want and what YOU feel comfortable in doing. I applaud you, for I know it is both the easiest and hardest decision you will ever make.

If you need someone to talk to you, you can email me at szczepanski08@gmail.com. I'm always around. :)

Jessica C January 29th, 2009 06:31 PM

Thanks, Juno! I've emailed you.

Heather, thank you so much for your input with this. I'm glad you're there to help her. I believe it's important to have people that have been thru the same situations.

amholb0 January 30th, 2009 07:34 AM

I felt similar to Heather. I was 16 going on 17 and my DH (boy friend at the time) was 18. I knew we were going to give her up for adoption and we had already picked out her parents. I just didn't want them at the hospital when I gave birth. I figured it was the only time for me to be a mom. I ended up having a c-section and before I got out of recovery my MIL had called her parents to come see her. They weren't allowed in because I wasn't awake yet. I hadn't even set eyes one her and when I did wake up, I asked them for a couple hours alone with her before they came to visit. I was so upset with MIL and FIL for disregaurding my wishes and putting me in the position of telling her parents to leave. I just needed that time with her.

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I wanted to be knocked out during the delivery and have the baby taken away before I saw it. As time went on and I got to know her in my womb, I changed my mind. (Not that they knock people out anymore anyway.) I guess what I'm saying is, what you want right now may not be what you want by the time your close to delivery. I wouldn't make any promises to adoptive parents about being there right now, give yourself room to change your mind.

Also, you're doing a really good and beautiful thing. Try to tell yourself that alot and try to believe it. I didn't believe it, I didn't believe anyone realized how hard it was and how much I wanted to do the right thing even though they all told they did. So, try to believe it, your a good person doing a wonderful thing.

Claysgirl January 30th, 2009 11:14 AM

Hi, I'm Katie!
I gave birth to my beautiful daugther at 17, whom I placed with adoptive parents.
I don't think it is strange at all, in fact I think it's pretty cool! It's not a choice I could have made for myself, but I have met many birthmoms who have had the adoptive mom, and sometimes adoptive dad too, in the room. I think it's an amazing experience that many Adoptive Parents wish they could experience. And I think it would give you the chance to get a little closer with the Adoptive Parents before placement. If you feel its the right choice for you, go for it!!!

Marlz. February 1st, 2009 04:28 AM

Hi, I just want to wish you luck. It would be a really hard to give your baby up for adoption. It is a beautiful thing to be able to give a couple a wonderful blessing to have a baby. Please just be careful I would not give out to many details about yourself. And im sure you will be flooded with emails from people wanting to adopt your child. Good luck in finding the right adoptive parents. I think it’s a wonderful idea to have the adoptive mother in the room. If it’s her wish to.

melissa. February 1st, 2009 06:33 PM

First off, WELCOME to JM's Birth Mom's board. :waves:

It's not odd at all to want the perspective parents in the room. I wanted her parents in the room but was unable to because they lived too far to make it in time. It was kind of frowned upon at the agency I went through as well. It's not unheard of though.. and frankly, it is a beautiful thing. :wub:

I have a very open adoption and Katie's adoptive mother was present for my youngest daughter's birth in November. It was kind of strange because she had NO idea what to do/expect etc. So, you may just want to be sure she is educated on what to expect/do. The only reason I say that is because she was a bit panicky because she didn't understand I couldn't talk during contractions etc. Overall though, I LOVED having her there to experience such a beautiful experience with us.

It's good to have you here and we have a great support network going here. I hope you stick around for the process. It really helps to have women who have been through it to talk to during and after the process.


BoobyDutyAgainJen February 1st, 2009 09:39 PM

Welcome! I'm Jen, birth mom to Olivia who is now 10. I was 16 when I got pregnant with her and 17 when she was born. It was the hardest and best decision I still to this day have ever made. You are INCREDIBLE for working through such a challenge!

I personally wanted the adoptive parents there too. I felt like that was what an adoptive mom would need to resolve and bond with the baby. I wanted her to cut the cord, hold her first, be there with her as I was dealing with my own thing. However Olivia's mom couldn't get there until later in the evening and I was perfectly fine with that. It gave me time to deal, get to know her, feed her, love on her. It was special and I am glad I got that time looking in peace at the little fingers and toes and marveling at what was still "my" baby.

You will figure things out. Please please please stay in contact on here. Having the contact with people who have been where you are is vital.

cupidsgirl February 1st, 2009 11:32 PM

Awesome. Thanks for the answers and the feedback! I'm glad I'm not the first one to have the adoptive mom there. :] BTW, I think I might have found the mom who is going to adopt the baby! I have been talking to her since I first joined here. I'm totally going to stay on here. <3 Thanks for support!!!

tsxylilmomma February 3rd, 2009 05:34 PM

Nope it is not odd to want the adoptive mother there in the room with you. I had a c-section with Lainey and allowed her adoptive mother to be in the OR with us. I think that it was very special for her to actually get to be there and see her baby come out.

Jessica C February 11th, 2009 12:52 PM

I thought I'd let everybody know that she changed her mind and has decided to keep the baby.

amholb0 February 11th, 2009 02:00 PM

Please give her my congratulations and wishes for a wonderful pregnancy and motherhood!

szczepanski February 11th, 2009 05:09 PM

Either way its a tough decision!

melissa. February 12th, 2009 10:36 AM

Well, good luck. I hope that things work out for you. :smile:

Claysgirl February 12th, 2009 01:57 PM

I hope that she isn't discouraged from coming back and chatting with us.
During my pregnancy I changed my mind about a million times.
Not saying that she will change her mind, but if she needs to talk about anything, I've got open ears :)

melissa. February 13th, 2009 03:35 PM

Good thinking, Katie. ;)

If she comes to read this, I hope she feels comfortable to talk to us still. :smile:


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