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-   -   Open v. Closed adoptions? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f440-birth-moms/2414998-open-v-closed-adoptions.html)

sara_elaine September 15th, 2011 08:11 PM

Open v. Closed adoptions?
I'm 8 weeks, and my partner and I are set on adoption. We've actually already met with a social worker at an agency today and filed our intake paperwork. Now we're faced with the decision and lots of pamphlets... open adoption or closed adoption.

I believe he wants a closed adoption... but what if I want open? What are the pro's and con's of each? The literature they've given us makes everything look so easy and perfect, but I'm not dumb and I know that I will hate myself if I make the wrong choice in this.

Birthmoms, any advice? What type of adoption do you have, and how did you decide? This is just all so overwhelming...

Cheyingo September 18th, 2011 10:08 PM

Re: Open v. Closed adoptions?
Welcome to Birthmoms :)

I originally wanted closed, I thought it would be easier on both me and the father. But the more we worked with our agency and the more we went through the process, we decided on open 100%. Our agency was wonderful and gentle about the entire process, we were able to choose if we wanted the adoptive parents at the birth and if we wanted baby to stay in our room, etc. We were also able to write up a contract of what both parties wanted, AND got to choose the name.

It's going to be a hard process, but you're doing a wonderful thing by giving a gift to a family in need. I tell myself that every single day and it helps me through the process. Even after almost two years after placing my son, I don't regret my decision because I did what was best for him. To answer your question, I'm extremely happy with choosing an open adoption, I get to see how he's doing, I receive pictures and updates, texts, and opportunities to visit. It's hard but when I see that big smile on his face it makes it all worth it. The birth father doesn't have to be on the same page about what kind of adoption you choose.

This decision isn't easy but open adoption worked for me. A lot of couples are being seriously educated in the benefits of open adoptions (they weren't very popular back in the day) which made the process easier for us. We got to choose the couple we wanted and they've gone so far as to tell us they'd like to have Liam know our future children. If you have ANY questions, please PM me! It was an extremely difficult road for me so if you need to vent I'm always here to lend an ear. :)

BoobyDutyAgainJen October 2nd, 2011 11:44 PM

Re: Open v. Closed adoptions?
^^^Said perfectly!!!

I chose open for so many reasons. I wanted the door to always be open. Whether or not we wanted to go through it is a different story, but I wanted the option. Of course now, nearly 13 years later I can't imagine the door NOT having been open. I get to know this sweet, introspective, intelligent, fun-hearted, loving, almost teen! It seriously has allowed me to heal in many ways.

My birth daughter's mom and I always said that we would keep the lines of communication open and take things day by day. If anyone wanted MORE contact to speak up, anyone wanted LESS contact to speak up. That way no feelings were hurt and we could always do what was best for Olivia. Each birth mom/dad wants different things. Do your research, keep asking questions, and delve deep inside yourself to a year from now, 5, 10, etc.

I am also a PM away! Do not hesitate to contact me!

MyBubRy January 22nd, 2012 06:08 PM

Re: Open v. Closed adoptions?
When I was 15, I fell pregnant with twins. The father (who is now my husband) and I decided on a closed adoption, so we went through the process and found this totally amzaing couple up north. All was well until I went into early labour and had to be rushed to the hostpital. Long and painful story short, the girl, Alea, only lived for about 3 minutes after she was born. This is when Alex and I decided that we wanted a open adoption. The couple were completly understanding and even allowed us to bury Alea next to my mother. Alex and I get regular updates and Christian is the happiest little boy I know and I will get to meet him for the first time since he was born in about a week.

overhaul February 9th, 2012 12:02 AM

Re: Open v. Closed adoptions?
I'm 14 weeks and scared to death so I asked for help from the Pregnancy Center. And to my surprise they gave me alot of information about adoption agencies and group therapy with girls my age.

overhaul February 10th, 2012 08:45 PM

Re: Open v. Closed adoptions?
Not sure if I can ask this question or not. Is their any ladies here that have a bond with the family that has adopted their baby? Also should I even be looking into adoption and searching for a family at 14 weeks or should I wait until I'm farther along? T hanks for all your help!

xobaby March 21st, 2012 01:25 PM

Re: Open v. Closed adoptions?
Hi .. I am a birthmom.. I have a very close relationship with my daughters adoptive parents. I dont think that there is ever a to early time to start looking into your options but ti dont think there is ever a to late of time either.. My daughter was 8 months when I placed her and she is the most well adjusted little girl you would ever meet. I would love to talk if you need some advise.. It has been 12 years now ..

akasha5081 October 4th, 2013 11:24 AM

Re: Open v. Closed adoptions?
I wanted a closed adoption at first..until I saw my son for the first time. I fell in love with him immediately and I knew I would never have been able to cope with the not knowing. The adoptive parents I chose are amazing..they are all for me being a part of my little boys life, as they never want him to feel like he is missing a part of himself. I sometimes feel that it is unfair to them, what if he decides later in life that he wants to be closer with me..will it hurt them if he wants to call me mom? I don't think so, as birth mothers we are important in this process too..we did carry them under our heart's for 9 months and it would be wrong for anyone to feel as if we should be able to give them up without being hurt as well. My APs understand that and they feel that my son can only benefit from an open adoption. They have pictures of me holding him on his dresser..pictures of my other son on his wall. We agreed on visits every three months..they send me pictures and updates frequently. I know this isn't always the way it works so I feel truly blessed. If you do decide on open adoption, be sure to ask your attorney if the papers are enforceable because I have heard stories of APs having the adoptions closed once the adoption is finalized.

margie9470 October 7th, 2014 12:20 PM

Re: Open v. Closed adoptions?
I know this is an old post, but I'm curious to know what you decided and how things are going with whatever decision you made. Adoption has changed a lot since I was placed for adoption over 30 years ago. I now have 4 adopted children and am blessed to be close to each of their birth mothers.

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