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-   -   So frustated with DSD's bio mom (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/1220014-so-frustated-dsd-s-bio-mom.html)

Brynna's_mommy September 3rd, 2008 07:08 PM

So the bio mom is moving an hour away with DSD. She has already enrolled her in school there but they are not moving for 2 weeks. They have to leave their house by 6:15 a.m. to get DSD to school on time and then she stays with someone until about 6 p.m. When I picked DSD up last Friday, bio mom asked me if I could pick DSD up from school on Thurs, take her Friday morning (which means I leave the house at 6:15) and pick her up Friday. This is our weekend and we are supposed to get her at 5:00 on Friday. I told her that I would have to think about because I have to pick DS up from school everyday. When we got in the car DSD asked "Mom would you please pick me up and take me to school the days that my other mom asked you about...........PPPPPLLLLEEEEAAAAAAAASSSEEE" How do I say no to that? So I called bio mom and told her that I would do it.........

ready for her response.....

"Thank God, I am so tired of getting up so early. I really need a break from taking her to school and picking her up"

OMG!!!!!!!! I thought that she had to work or something. I have no doubt that she had DSD beg me so that she can sleep in Friday. So I have to leave her with the sitter on Thursday until I can get there. DS goes to school 30 mins the other direction! DH is going to pick him up on Friday and I am going to spend the entire day in the town that she goes to school in to save on gas money.

I am so glad that we are getting the extra time with DSD but we went through 5 years of her (ex) using us and abusing the fact that we would do anything to have DSD. I am not going through that ever again.


***UPDATE***

So my DSD called me last night around 9 p.m. She has to get up at 5:30 to get ready for school WTH was she doing awake and out of bed? Anyways, she calls to tell me that tomorrow (today now) is Open House at her school. She said that her mom told her that none of us would be able to go because she forgot all about it and it was too short of notice. DSD was so upset because she had made special pictures and things to show her parents. She told me that it was at 5:00 p.m. and she would understand if we couldn't stay that long after I picked her up from school. I could literally hear her heartbreaking through the phone.

I told her "Sweetheart, your dad and I would not miss your open house for the world. I will let daddy know that he needs to take off work early and he will ride with me to pick you up from school and we will look at everything you made"

The :witch: then gets on the phone and says "If you guys can't make it then it is no big deal." No big deal *** is she thinking? I told her that we would definitely be going. She said "Well I guess I could try and stop by there for a minute" I told her not to worry about it and that I would take my camera and let DSD take pictures of everything that she made and we would email them to her as soon as we got home. We have dealt with her stopping by things that she really doesn't want to be at and she is a total hag so DSD would be much happier if she just didn't show up. KWIM? She said "Oh that would be great. Thank you so much"

This was the first time in a while that I wanted to say "Why don't you just let her live here. We have so much more time for things like this" but now is not the time. I am waiting until she is at the point again to let her come here. We have been through all of this so many times in the last 5 years.

How can a mother be so selfish. She is going to be in the same town where her daughter goes to school but I am having to drive an hour to pick her up and she can't even take the time to see her daughter's special stuff. I am so angry and hurt for DSD

Blondzilla September 4th, 2008 03:55 AM

Don't you just want to scream at them sometimes "If it's such an inconvenience being a parent, I will gladly take over the job...just sign the papers so I can adopt her!" My DH's ex, the :witch: , will spend her last dollar out partying rather than sacrifice one bit for her kids. She stops by on her way home from work every payday to get her CS but GOD FORBID she spend ten minutes talking to her own son! (their son lives with us and their three daughters live with her) She sees him for about three minutes every month or two. The kids ALWAYS come AFTER her needs/wants/desires. And here we are sacrificing for the good of the children because we love them and that's what parents do.
I think you're right...the bio-mom put her up to asking you because she knew you would not be able to say no to her. It may be a big inconvenience right now, but someday your DSD will see things for how they are and appreciate you all the more for it. Through all the years of my ex's manipulations and slanderous accusations against me, the one thing that helped me through it without stooping to his level was the knowledge that someday my kids would see things the way they are and not the way he was trying to paint them. It didn't take long. They appreciate me and love me for not doing what he did--as tempting as it was--and calling names and making false accusations against him. Your DSD will appreciate your always being there for her and the fact that she was able to rely on you to pick up the slack where her mother was concerned.

Daisyfields September 4th, 2008 06:20 AM

My DH's son (my DSS) lives about an hour away & we've thankfully haven't had to deal w/ that & I've offered that "if" she needed me to transport the child on urgent matters, I'd do so, but she hates me & wants me to do nothing for her son, what ever...one less thing to worry about.

Now as far as you bringing the child due to the mother wanting to get rest, that's not right. I'd be setting down serious ground rules that you love helping when you can but it has to be due to urgent matters, not just because. You have your own situation & if she lives closer (and she doesn't) then it would be a little different but since the distance & cost is an issue (fuel is insane) then you can't just do this all the time. Once in a blue moon or once a week if that. Personally, I'd be saying 1 time month or urgent cases. Sure, a child saying "please" is tempting but mom decided to move & that was her choice, now she has to deal w/ the consequences of that & part of that is she wont have people to help out as easily as she had before due to the distance in geographical matters.

I go through this w/ my DH's ex, she always asks my DH to get their son at the last minute & DH "used" to jump at her request & now I say "hey...we live a long ways away, what about her mother & father? what about her sister or brother in law? what about her LIVE IN boyfriend?" Now my DH has come to "some" of his senses & has been saying no to the obvious. It happened just the other day on Tuesday. He was suppose to have his son (as he always does on Mondays & Tuesdays for a few hours). My DH arrived at his mother's house (my MIL) & waited for his ex to drop off his son. After two hours or trying to reach her, she finally called & told my DH that SHE was running late getting ready to go out & that their son had a play date etc. She knew about this all day long & waited for the last minute to notify my DH, as a result, wasting time on our end. My DH was stuck in horrible traffic & didn't get to see his son (she also did this on Monday too). But once again, my DH refuses to put his foot down & say "this is MY time w/ my son & it's in our court order"...so is every other weekend but that's been out the window for well over a year now.

Seriously, the lack of respect that ex's have for one another on this board is mind boggling & I just don't understand it. Sometimes I think it's jealousy, selfishness, and most of the time lack of good communication. Other times I feel that it's just the way people are raised & they don't see how even though this was okay on their end, to others, it's hurtful & abusive in the sense of being taken advantage of. Either way, just ridiculous!


Daisyfields September 4th, 2008 09:57 AM

Some people "get it" and some have "no clue"... I'll leave that comment as you take it.

ITA, what is your DSD doing out of bed at the time of night? My son has a strict bedtime & I am often reminded how he goes to bed around 9:30-10pm at his father's house. They justify it by "it's weekend" & my reasoning is that ROUTINE is crucial for kids. Sure...they shouldn't have to rush out of bed & get ready for school on a weekend, but bedtime, meals, naps & baths should stay just as is...the same & consistent. He'll see that once he has twins, kids thrive on routine, w/ out it, it's simply chaos.

As far as open house goes. Some parents don't feel it's a big deal and some do. Depending on the parent. Sometimes you have parents that can't go b/c of prior meetings that cannot be changed & then they just can't go (I've been one of those parents here & there)...but "if" I can make it, I am there. I need A LOT of notice w/ my situation & if they give me less than a week's notice, it's not gonna happen on my end. Too much already set in stone at my house routine wise & w/ my DH's job. I can't drag my babies out to do a 1 on 1 w/ a teacher either, that's rude & distracting so I always say "can we do a phone meeting?" and usually they comply & find that okay based on circumstances. It's difficult. In any event, if mother is just brushing this off & has no REAL reasons not to be there, then she does NOT get IT, KWIM? Some just don't, some do...

Thankfully, you are a positive role model in this child's life & that's what is most important. You can't get back these precious times, a child is only a child once, after that is all said & done, you can't get it back. Some times people don't get that, they just think it's all no big deal & then looking back realize how much they missed out on the small, yet important things to their child.

I get what you mean though.

HUGS
~C

sweetiez October 1st, 2008 07:34 AM

OMG! im just reading this but i feel SOO bad for ur DSD!!!!!!!My heart broke when i read this!. Thats poor little girl!.:( . I cannot believe how selfish her BIO mom is being!!!!!!!. I could never miss something so special to my daughter!. Im sorry your guys have to deal with her :angry: . I will never understand some parents!. Why would she enroll her so far away if she didn't want to wake up early to bring her???SHEEESH!!!!
How are things now?

Daisyfields October 2nd, 2008 06:22 AM

I just have to add that when a parent lives or moves far away, some of the "rules" our out the door. You can't still be expected to be there at the drop of a hat, you can't be the one that is an ER contact b/c you can't get there in an ER when you live over an hour away, just the way it is. We are in the same situation.

On another note, I have my ex who doesn't live an hour away, but I he isn't an ER contact b/c he doesn't answer his phone (says there is no reception at his job, sometimes I believe that, sometimes I don't), so I can't list him as an ER contact if he wont even answer the stupid phone to begin with.

Again, it's hard cause the kids are stuck in the middle. They want things to REMAIN the same. My DSS wanted things to stay the same (before my DH & I moved to our house, which for the record, I offered to buy a house w/ in his son's area, but the cost for houses there are higher, less house for your $), we ended up moving farther away, DH's choice, no complaints from me. Any ways, my DSS expected his dad to be w/ him every day like he USED to be. He couldn't, just couldn't. It was hard. It was hard for everyone to adjust, DSS had (still has resentment), my DH has guilt (still), the ex (bio-mom) lays it on thick at times & plays the card of SINGLE PARENT (even though her parents, sister live down the street & her boyfriend lives w/ her. You get my drift. It's hard all around. I was angry at my DH cause he was spending time away from me & our babies & he was trying to spread himself all around & ending up falling asleep on the couch due to exhaustion from all of the above. He's one person & can't do it all. We've accommodated the situation in that he spends time w/ his DS on Mondays & Tuesday nights until 7pm. That's that. The rest of the week is w/ us. We'd have DSS more but he doesn't know how to behave so he doesn't come here to spend the night or day(s) & when he does it's like a horror show so it's far few in between when it does.

Again, try to take the child out of the situation & put the reality into perspective & make things realistic. Would you be doing all this driving around for yourself or anyone else & what would happen if your car broke down etc., etc.? Just throwing some kinks in, ya never know.

HIH, keep us posted. What's is going on since you've posted????

Chantelle

GinaOfAllTrades October 2nd, 2008 08:01 AM

I just read this too. :o I can't believe her mom. Well, I can actually but it still frusterates me to no end that people can be like that.

How did the open house go?

Brynna's_mommy October 5th, 2008 08:39 AM

Things are so extremely frustrating here. For the last 3-4 weeks, I have been picking her up from school on Thurs, taking her Friday then picking her up from school on Friday. Which means that I am just hanging out in the town that she goes to school for 7 hours until she gets out of school. She stays through Monday so I get up and take her to school on Monday. This is really starting to wear on me. I have to get her up at 5:30 and we have to leave by 6 a.m. to get her to school on time.

I am not sure what to do. Should I just tell her mom, no or should I continue to do all of this and then go back to court when we can next year and try to get custody with the documentation of how often we have her?

Also, when her mom picks her up from school she is leaving her in an afterschool program until 6 p.m. almost every day. She obviously does not want her living there. We are truely at a loss here.

We got a call last Wed around 9 p.m. that they were having pizza with dad's at her school on Thurs (the next night). This last minute notice stuff is really starting to irritate me.

My2miracles October 5th, 2008 01:04 PM

You should contact the school & have them send you everything the bio mom gets. That won't be an unusual request.

I feel so bad for your DSD. I can't imagine missing my children's open house. I have a very demanding job (I'm at work no & it's Sunday) and I have a big project due Monday & I made sure I was home to go to Lucy's parent teacher conference Thursday night. My kids come 1st!

sweetiez October 6th, 2008 08:27 AM

Oh no! Im so sory nothing is better! This is rediculous!!!!!!..This is such a hard decision!. It sounds like DSD is with you mainly!. This poor girl!. I feel like her BIO mother is using you guys so she doesn't have to do much. Which is rediculous!. I think what i'd do is write down everything thats going on . On paper. so its documented. Write each day!. For the courts. And if you choose to keep doing this write each day. And this would look really good for the courts to keep dsd fulltime. If thats what you guys are hoping for.... It such a hassle now but it possibly could help in the long run.... but again soo up to you. im so sorry your going through this. Such a hard decision it would be hard for me too!!! Gooodness!!!! Im praying for you guys!!!!!

GinaOfAllTrades October 6th, 2008 09:28 AM

I was first going to suggest that you tell the ex that you can't do it anymore and that you need to change the arrangement but I have a feeling she will start telling your DSD a bunch of lies about the two of you. So I think you should keep a record of everything and then go back to court. Is there anyway you two could take her back sooner than next year?

Brynna's_mommy October 6th, 2008 10:31 AM

Quote:

Is there anyway you two could take her back sooner than next year?[/b]
No. The last modification states that no changes can be made for 2 years unless the child is in danger. We know that as soon as that 2 year marks hits DH will be getting served to go to court to increase child support. We have decided to keep DSD whenever asked and keep very good documentation and take it to an attorney next year close to the 2 year mark


GinaOfAllTrades October 6th, 2008 10:39 AM

Well that sucks. Good luck come next year.

QueSeraSara October 6th, 2008 12:14 PM

Every time I get to the point and think "I am so TIRED of going out of my way for her", I try to remember that it will just help us get custody later. "See judge, we had to fill her gas tank and buy clothes for DSD to have at her house. We picked DSD up when mom was out of money and without a place to go. We had to take DSD to the eye dr after telling mom a year before that DSD had to go. She has a lazy eye now because of it."

Just try to keep that in mind every time you are tired of waking up early, driving out of your way, staying in a strange town until school is out, getting last minute phone calls for school events. YOU are there for DSD. YOU are being a great mom. DSD will realize this sooner or later and love YOU even more for it. I hope things work out.


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