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-   -   Why does he need his "own" room? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/1956664-why-does-he-need-his-own-room.html)

supermeg April 26th, 2010 08:00 AM

Why does he need his "own" room?
 
why isn't just having the spare bedroom good enough? I came home from church and my DH had removed everthing but the bed & toys from the front room. We have been calling it my stepsons room even though it had my desk and lots of boxes from when my mother passed away and food storage in the closet. My hasband and I have been fighting about him having his own room for months. He is only there 1 day a week and 2 nights. He was sharing a room with my son for 4 years then since they kept fighting at bed time. we began letting dss sleep in the spare room. I told my dh that i would get rid of the boxes but the desk and the food needed to stay. he doens't have many clothes so why does he need the closet or to buy a dresser. He has 1 drawer in my sons dresser and they are the same age/size so they share the clothes. My husband wants to paint the room and decorate it. and i don't want to spend the money for a room that will sit unused 5 1/2 days a week!! now my desk is smack right in the middle of the living room and you have to squish by it to open the back door if the table is opened all the way and you can't open the french doors and my little kids keep getting into it and messing with stuff and i hate it i want it back in the room!! and he says no. He needs his own room and that's it. is this fair? why am i so upset? am i selfish like he says? this is just iceing on the cake...we have lots of other blended family drama besides this. it just makes my nerves crawl whenever he comes over now because he won't listen to me cause his mom says he doens't have to he won't eat what we eat for dinner cause he doesn't eat veggies or cheese unless it's on pizza or a million other things. it's to the point now where i won't even cook when he is there my husband does it all but he gives in and the other kids see it and they start acting up and asking why does he get what he wants when he whines but we don't?? husband says to mind my own bizz we can't treat him the same cause he goes home and tells his mom that we punish him and i don't want to fight with her...AHHH If i wasn't done before i am now that i came home to a room that won't be used but 1 day a week it's stupid!!

AMiner86 April 26th, 2010 10:59 AM

Re: Why does he need his "own" room?
 
I can see both sides of this so I think the best idea would be to come up with some kind of compromise. Maybe somehow split the room in half. On one side would be a space used completely for your stepson and the other half would be the desk and a few things that you need to store in there. I'm not saying but a wall up in the middle of the room, but you can create an imaginary line that lets your stepson have his own space and at the same time give you the storage space you need. I don't see the need to paint the whole room or get into a complete room makeover, but I think that putting up some decorations for him on his side of the room wouldn't be a bad thing. It's kind of what we do for my daughter because I want to share a room with her while she's young. We have one wall that we decorate for her and keep her dresser and things and the rest of the room is ours as far as decorating and what not.

Something I am really worried about in this situation is that you are starting to isolate your stepson from you and your kids. He is getting treated differently and that's really not fair and it's not going to help your situation at all. But I'm not putting the blame entirely on you, DH isn't innocent in this situation. He has to realize that everyone should be treated equal as well and he can't be afraid to disipline his son just because of his ex. Unfortunately, that's going to be a tough battle to fight. We've been a blended family for awhile now and that's something I'm still having trouble with, it's getting better but it still needs improvement.

The bottom line is that you and DH need to be on the same page with all the kids and they should all be treated equally. Not doing this is just going to create a lot of anger and resentment and it's also likely to make your stepson's bad behavior worse. Your kids might even start acting out because they see that acting out gets them what they want, which sounds like to me is already starting to happen.

I do hope things start to get better for you and you and DH can get things straightened out. Good luck. :)

My2miracles April 26th, 2010 02:32 PM

Re: Why does he need his "own" room?
 
I'm sorry but from what you've posted, I don't think you are isolated your step son at all. It sounds like he has his own space but he shares it with a desk. No biggy. Lots of kids don't have their own rooms & they live full-time in a house. I do think it's a good idea to let him pick out a bedspread & some sheets. But I don't think you need to decorate the room. Heck my kids live with me full-time & their rooms aren't decorated.

I see your Dh favoring the child. Your house rules apply to all in your house. You and your dh have to agree on that. There can't be a different set of rules for your kids & another for your stepson. That's not doing anyone any good. Your dh needs to stand up to his ex. His son is playing him as well. Sounds to me like blackmail.... "give me everything I want or I'll tell mom bad things about you"

I hope you guys can figure this out.

Daisyfields April 27th, 2010 07:28 AM

Re: Why does he need his "own" room?
 
It's important for the child to know that he has his own space, away from you, DH & the others. It's important b/c the child requires some privacy & it shows the child that your home is his 2nd home, not just a place to stay every now & then, if you have the extra space, some people do not (like me) and we have to have the kids share rooms, so depending on your set-up & needs is how to proceed.

You should have a conversation w/ your DH about what is transpiring & how you can compromise etc. Hopefully you can both come to an agreement & give a little on both ends.

Now... I have "had" a similar situation w/ my DSS. When we went to buy this house, my DH was skeptical b/c it was a 3 bdrm & my DS (DH's DSS) had his own room, and the baby had his own room. Since we bought the home, we've added another child (who shares w/ the baby b/c they are close in age) & my DS (DH's DSS) still has his own room w/ an additional bed (twin beds) and 2 trundles for guests/clothes/storage. Originally we had the notion that this extra bed was for my DSS. My DH would refer it to DSS' bed, and so on. Since we've own this home, my DSS has slept here (and this is being generous) maybe 5 times, we've been in this house for 4+ years! We (or I should say DH) is suppose to have his DS, every other weekend overnight. But, my DSS doesn't sleep here or even come here every other weekend. I am lucky to see my DSS every holiday, there will be months that go by that I do not see my DSS, and it's not my choice, it's a geographical issue "and" his bio-mom, she hates me, our rules etc., so they've decided on their own that he wouldn't stay here anymore. Which is fine. So now... I am going to switch things up for more space. I will be giving the babies the twin beds & my DS (DH's DSS), will still have his own room, w/ a full size bed, period. If DSS ever decides he wants to sleep over, he'll have to sleep on the trundle "or" on a couch, but I am not going to watch that bed (expensive) sit there & collect dust & not be used because my DSS is a brat about sleeping over & his bio-mom is a jerk about letting us see him. In that sort of situation, no child should have their own room, if you need the room for something else. But you're telling me that he spends the night on a schedule, and even though it's not every single day, it's still more than someone like myself, which is never.

If you needed the space for another child or two, then, that would be different but it sounds like it's more that you don't want to change the space b/c he's not there a lot, which I understand the frustration of it, but honestly, the child is going to need his own space, as they get older that's just the norm and as long as he spends the night at least monthly or more, and you have that extra room, there is no reason why it can't be done. You can also compromise in that you have a day bed, w/ a desk etc., this way it's not 100% child like but it's a nice space for him or a potential guest. I'd just give him the choice of colors, not cart Blanche but you could pick our several colors from a paint store & ask him to choose from the samples you are giving him, same w/ the bedding style, you pick out the styles, give him the choices your chosen & have him pick something that is not childlike but also makes him feel like HE got a say in the room.

JMHO, HIH

JustBecca April 27th, 2010 08:57 AM

Re: Why does he need his "own" room?
 
Maybe I am being harsh but I would put the desk back in the room and tell him to leave it there. There is no reason that a child can not have a desk in a room that he uses like 4 times a month. I think that is ridiculous. I would be having a conversation with DH too about the treating children differently. It is still your house and in your house all children need to respect the rules which includes eating what you are given for dinner. That is the way that we are. ANY child that comes into our home follows our rules. Everyone knows it and then there is no "but my mom or my dad" stuff happening.

My2miracles April 27th, 2010 11:58 AM

Re: Why does he need his "own" room?
 
I guess I'm harsh too Becca because I agree with you!

Not all kids get there own space. Lots and lots of kids share bedrooms their entire childhood with their siblings. I had a friend who as a teenager, shared her bedroom with her 2 sister - on of which was a baby at the time. They all turned out all right & a very close today even though they are in their 40's.

When my DSD comes here this summer she'll be sharing a room with my DD at least. Maybe with my dd & ds depends on how long ds will be here & what they decide. DD & DS decided to share on room by choice recently. They are 4 & 8 (girl oldest).

JustBecca April 27th, 2010 12:39 PM

Re: Why does he need his "own" room?
 
My girls share a room. They pretty much always have. My DS wants to be in there too so we are seriously considering moving his bed in there too. He climbs in there every night anyway.

AMiner86 April 28th, 2010 05:37 AM

Re: Why does he need his "own" room?
 
I just wanted to explain what I said about the isolation a little bit more because looking back I think that it came off wrong and maybe isolation is the wrong word. But with that being said, I think there is starting to become a seperation, there is one child that gets treated completely differently and there is a lot of frustration building up because of that. It's not at all any one person's fault, but it will cause a lot of problems. I know, I've been there. My BF and I butted heads all the time about the disipline problems with my stepson and when he wasn't getting made to behave himself, I threw in the towel and would barely have anything to do with him. That wasn't right for me to do at all, and it only made things worse. If anything, my stepson's behavior only got worse, it didn't help anything.

But mainly, even though not stated in the best way, my point is that you and DH both need to make an effort to treat everyone equally. The disipline has to be the same across the board and no child should be treated differently. And my advice to you would be to not let your frustration get the best of you when dealing with you stepson. Don't give up on him, but also don't let him rule your house. Stick with your rules, but also let him know that he is a part of the family and I'm sure he will start to come around.

Daisyfields May 1st, 2010 07:10 AM

Re: Why does he need his "own" room?
 
Okay now that you explain it that way, I understand more & I would like to retract my statement about moving the desk out & having it be his own personal space. As Becca & Kris said, many kids have to share a room (mine do), and there is no reason why he cant either.

As far as one kid being treated like one way (the child that doesn't like w/ you full-time) verses the other child(ren) that do, I know what that's like. DH does that w/ my DSS, and frankly I call him on it. The part that has made things easier for me is when my DS is doing a chore and another chore is on the list of "to-do's" I will point out to my DH that his DS (my DSS) can help too. And then he usually switches his tone. The good thing for me is that he doesn't sleep here & I don't have that issue. I don't even call that additional bed in my son's room "DSS' bed" anymore, b/c it's not his bed, he doesn't come over, he doesn't sleep over, this isn't his 2nd house or his 3rd or even 4th. He sleeps over his grandparents the most, then his aunt and THEN his bio-mom, then it's the camp that his grandparents own in ME. Any ways, the child is never around, he doesn't even know where the utensils are, he doesn't live here, makes no effort & I am done trying to point that out to my DH. With you, the fact that the child is more at your place, it's hard but I would do serious talking w/ your DH in regards to one is treated a certain way & how it's going to make the rest of the family resent his son due to that "special treatment"... rules are rules, and they should apply to all in the house & not be treated like a guest when your step-son is around.


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