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Daisyfields September 15th, 2010 09:11 AM

Do I say something?
 
DSS had a "heart-to-heart" w/ me last weekend as we watched television. He told me some stuff, stuff that only he'd know if his mother told him. Stuff that he shouldn't be told at all. Basically, bio-mom, DH's ex-wive, has decided to tell her son (my DSS) everything about their marriage (the reason it went South), everything, down to money woes, you name it.

Do I say something to my DH? I just can't believe that bio-mom would be so immature (well I can but I'm just sad), it's not okay & I feel bad for my DH, he does a lot for his DS, and loves him dearly, the mistakes my DH made w/ his ex-wife shouldn't be brought up to his son. How would she (bio-mom) like it if her son found out about some of the stuff she did before he was born?

What would you do? Would you let it go or would you say something to your DH? I'd want to know, then again, in my situation, I don't have that happening. My ex is an ex for a reason, but I don't sit there & discuss why he's not my favorite person to my DS, that's not the best way to handle things. He's still my DS' father.

K.A.T September 15th, 2010 10:51 AM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Before you say anything to DH, you need to speak to your DSS again and find out if this is something he told you in confidence or not. If it is, then no don't say anything to your DH. If it's not then let him know that you would like to say something to him about it. Maybe you can try to encourage your DSS to tell DH himself.

Rachel September 15th, 2010 11:43 AM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by K.A.T (Post 21528293)
Before you say anything to DH, you need to speak to your DSS again and find out if this is something he told you in confidence or not. If it is, then no don't say anything to your DH. If it's not then let him know that you would like to say something to him about it. Maybe you can try to encourage your DSS to tell DH himself.

I agree. I would also explain to him that you're sorry he had to hear so much grown up stuff.

Daisyfields September 15th, 2010 11:51 AM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by K.A.T (Post 21528293)
Before you say anything to DH, you need to speak to your DSS again and find out if this is something he told you in confidence or not. If it is, then no don't say anything to your DH. If it's not then let him know that you would like to say something to him about it. Maybe you can try to encourage your DSS to tell DH himself.


Everything he told me, was obviously not something he wanted his father to know that he knew. He said something about how he got a scar on his head. DSS has a 3" scar on his head, something obvious w/ short hair. For years, they've been telling their DS that it was the fault of their pooch that DS got knocked over & required stitches. DSS said to me "my mother told me that my dad was being irresponsible, as always, and left me alone, and because he wasn't watching me, I fell in the bathroom"... he went on about how his father was irresponsible w/ money, my DH, causing my DH & his ex to have financial woes. Again, this is something that has nothing to do w/ how DH is as a father. Not only does 1) DH pay CS, never been late, ever... but the child shouldn't know about the whole $ situation. Ex-wife/bio-mom told the child how he ruined her credit. As much as I already knew this (DH told me this a long time ago, they were really young when they married)...it's not something the child should be hearing. KWIM?

That's what I'm trying to articulate. The child is hearing this information, that I know can only come from her. It's not relevant to DH as a parent & it's sad. I feel really bad. I'm glad DSS has opened up to me, but at the same time, I feel guilty that he's telling me this. It's not his fault (he's the child), but it's the ex-wife/bio-mom, that needs to stop "talking" about that stuff to her child. What happened in her marriage has nothing to do w/ things now. That's where I feel like it's putting me in a sticky situation.

K.A.T September 15th, 2010 12:46 PM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Umm sorry but it's not obvious, hence my asking if it was or was not. I'm not in your home, I did not have the conversation with the child, so I would not see it as obvious.

You have a few choices:

1. speak to dss and see if he's willing to talk to your dh about it.
2. go ahead and tell dh anyway.
3. go directly to bio mom and let her know how you feel.
4. inform dss that these are not conversations you wish to have with him since you don't feel comfortable about it.
5. let dss know that you feel these are not things his mother should be speaking to him about.

You can do one of those things, none of them, or a combo of them. You asked "what would you do," and I replied with what *I * would do in your situation. You can either take my advice into consideration or ignore it completely. The ball is in your court.

Rachel September 15th, 2010 01:45 PM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Here's what I think. You can tell DH or talk to DSS's mom about it or have DH do it, but you know what? It's not going to change one thing she does. She told him to piss you and DH off. She wants you to make a big stink about it because, guess what? She wins.

I think you should let it go. You can't change how she parents and what she tells him. What I would say to your SS is that you're sorry that his mom involved him in grown up matters and you're sorry that he's upset about what his mom told. Tell him that whether those things are true or not don't matter at this point since it's all in the past and you (as a family) like to live in the here and now. Move on or she's going to make you nutso.

K.A.T September 15th, 2010 02:26 PM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Hey Rachel, spread em! :lol:

Rachel September 15th, 2010 02:40 PM

Re: Do I say something?
 
:giggle: :lol: :rofl:

Wisey September 15th, 2010 03:09 PM

Re: Do I say something?
 
I agree with Rachel.

Daisyfields September 16th, 2010 09:30 AM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by K.A.T (Post 21529635)
Umm sorry but it's not obvious, hence my asking if it was or was not. I'm not in your home, I did not have the conversation with the child, so I would not see it as obvious.

You can either take my advice into consideration or ignore it completely. The ball is in your court.


I'm not sure why your responding this way. I'm very confused. Either I'm communicating wrong or your reading wrong but I'm not trying to be mean at all so... sorry you feel that I'm trying to make you feel as if things are obvious (which I never said to you) or that I wanted to take or ignore your advice. I'm truly confused about this reply. Don't get it. Out of left field for me. Sorry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rachel (Post 21530317)
Here's what I think. You can tell DH or talk to DSS's mom about it or have DH do it, but you know what? It's not going to change one thing she does. She told him to piss you and DH off. She wants you to make a big stink about it because, guess what? She wins.

I think you should let it go. You can't change how she parents and what she tells him. What I would say to your SS is that you're sorry that his mom involved him in grown up matters and you're sorry that he's upset about what his mom told. Tell him that whether those things are true or not don't matter at this point since it's all in the past and you (as a family) like to live in the here and now. Move on or she's going to make you nutso.

ITA, why else would she be so candid to her son knowing that he's speak like a canary? She has to know that this would somehow come back to us. Either way, the part that puts a thorn in my side is getting a child in the middle of an issue. That's wrong. If she is upset, angry, jealous, what ever her issues are, you don't use a child to get a point across. The kid now has to hear about how his father did a certain thing when he was a child, to me, that's just slandering him as a dad, even if it was true at the time, it's not who he is, today, and it's certainly not affecting his parenting style now.

K.A.T September 16th, 2010 11:18 AM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Daisyfields (Post 21538600)
I'm not sure why your responding this way. I'm very confused. Either I'm communicating wrong or your reading wrong but I'm not trying to be mean at all so... sorry you feel that I'm trying to make you feel as if things are obvious (which I never said to you) or that I wanted to take or ignore your advice. I'm truly confused about this reply. Don't get it. Out of left field for me. Sorry.

Quote:

Everything he told me, was obviously not something he wanted his father to know that he knew.

That's where I got it from. It came off as if I should have known that already and that you where dismissing my post. If that was not the case, then I'm sorry I was so curt.

Rachel September 16th, 2010 12:22 PM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Daisyfields (Post 21538600)
ITA, why else would she be so candid to her son knowing that he's speak like a canary? She has to know that this would somehow come back to us. Either way, the part that puts a thorn in my side is getting a child in the middle of an issue. That's wrong. If she is upset, angry, jealous, what ever her issues are, you don't use a child to get a point across. The kid now has to hear about how his father did a certain thing when he was a child, to me, that's just slandering him as a dad, even if it was true at the time, it's not who he is, today, and it's certainly not affecting his parenting style now.

You're right. It's wrong. Terribly wrong of her. Bad parenting. It's really neither here nor there, though. You are not going to change her by getting worked up and getting DH worked up and yelling or even talking to her about it. Show your DSS that's not who his dad is by his actions now, kwim? It just will get you no where except more frustrated if you discuss it with her.

My2miracles September 17th, 2010 10:41 AM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by K.A.T (Post 21539999)
That's where I got it from. It came off as if I should have known that already and that you where dismissing my post. If that was not the case, then I'm sorry I was so curt.

I read it to mean that it was obvious to HER. Not that it should have been obvious to you or anyone else. I think that's what she meant. I think she was just giving more details.

AndreaRenee September 17th, 2010 07:36 PM

Re: Do I say something?
 
I'm not really sure what you should do.

The only thing I can offer is the exact same thing happened with us... my husbands ex told their daughter some of the reasons they split up... reasons that of course all pointed the finger at him and were negative reflections of him (for ex: "he lied to me all the time") WHY she would do that is beyond me... its just stupid.

Daisyfields September 21st, 2010 08:25 AM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles (Post 21550835)
I read it to mean that it was obvious to HER. Not that it should have been obvious to you or anyone else. I think that's what she meant. I think she was just giving more details.


Okay so either Kris just knows me well or I'm having communication issues b/c that's in fact what I was doing. I was giving more details about what was obvious to ME, not to anyone on this board. How would any conversation be obvious to anyone on this board when no one would be there, actually in the conversation? Just doesn't make sense to even think that I would go that route but I guess I made it go that avenue & that's not what I meant, at all...

I haven't said anything to DH yet. DSS is coming over again this weekend. I'm curious to see what happens/unfolds & I know that "if" he starts to "talk" I'll probably say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you have to hear that stuff about your dad, that must be hurtful, I'm sure you'd be hurt if someone spoke badly about your mom too". See how he goes from there. I want to see what he does, if he continues & says more like if he's being coached or not. If he's being coached he'll get defensive & have more to say, if not, he'll get confused & stop in his tracks in confusion. How he reacts will tell me what's truly being said to him at home. Then I'll proceed to his dad if he's being coached. And if he is being coached, I'll let him know that talking about his dad like that is in poor taste, it's not nice, rude, disrespectful, and what ever happened between his mother & father as "husband/wife" has nothing to do w/ them as parents & that both persons shouldn't be talking about each other at all, especially negatively. Not nice, etc.

Gosh I hope this doesn't come up again, but I have a gut feeling it will considering he's done this before, it's not the 1st time so I'm prepping to have to say something along those lines.

My2miracles September 21st, 2010 10:21 AM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Chantelle, I think it's a good thing that he's starting to open up to you. He obviously is uncomfortable with the things his mom is saying and he probably doesn't want to tell his dad because he knows that will make him upset. That's a lot to carry for a kid.

I had a thought.... Perhaps he's telling you because he WANTS you to tell his dad. It's safer to him to use you as the buffer. I don't know if that's the case but that's the thought I had.

Rachel September 21st, 2010 04:15 PM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles (Post 21588930)
Chantelle, I think it's a good thing that he's starting to open up to you. He obviously is uncomfortable with the things his mom is saying and he probably doesn't want to tell his dad because he knows that will make him upset. That's a lot to carry for a kid.

I had a thought.... Perhaps he's telling you because he WANTS you to tell his dad. It's safer to him to use you as the buffer. I don't know if that's the case but that's the thought I had.

Yes, I agree. What a burden for his mom to put on him. She should be kicked in arse. I'd volunteer, but I enjoy my freedom. :lol: Neely's ex is constantly telling the kids more than they are mature enough to hear.

As to your the second part I bolded, I hadn't even thought of that. I'd bet you're right.

Daisyfields September 24th, 2010 08:00 AM

Re: Do I say something?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles (Post 21588930)
Chantelle, I think it's a good thing that he's starting to open up to you. He obviously is uncomfortable with the things his mom is saying and he probably doesn't want to tell his dad because he knows that will make him upset. That's a lot to carry for a kid.

I had a thought.... Perhaps he's telling you because he WANTS you to tell his dad. It's safer to him to use you as the buffer. I don't know if that's the case but that's the thought I had.


I think your right on Kris! He's being told all this NEGATIVE, HORRIBLE stuff about his father, the MAN that he is to look up too, and here his mother is painting a disgusting portrait of him. She is telling him about how he did stuff when he was a kid, literally (they were middle-school/high school sweethearts, married right out of high school, DH went into the Marine Corps immediately & the rest is history). She...bio-mom, has a BAD past too, but DH doesn't go there w/ his DS, which is the RIGHT way to handle things. I am guessing that he does want me to tell DH, why else? Or...perhaps she (bio-mom) wants DH to know what she is saying, why else would she be so stupid? Kids don't make this stuff up.

I'm thankful that he finally started to open up to me. And the other day, he hugged me good-bye, kissed me on the cheek, for the 1st time & it wasn't forced or scripted. He did it and it was real. It felt really nice. For the first time in years, I felt like he was my family. I know that sounds bad on some levels, but please keep in mind that this has never been my choice. Bio-mom has kept her son (my DSS) away from me, and the kids & her ex (DH) for many years. And even though the legal paperwork, court documents says that DH is to have his son every other weekend, overnight, he (DH) never went to court to fight her. He is afraid of her. Long story. Any ways, up until recently (going on month 3 now), I never saw my DSS, unless it was a really special occasion & only for an hour or so at a time. I had no way of getting to know my DSS. We had no foundation for a relationship, and it was horrible. My kids were sad too, they always loved my DSS, even though they didn't know him. Now, even today, DSS is coming over tonight & spending the entire weekend w/ us. On some levels I feel a bit weird, cause we're still in the faze of trying to make him aware of our rules & what not, but he is turning 13 so he's not a little kid & he understands what is right & wrong. The good news is that he's really opening up to me. He comes into my room, sits on my bed & just starts to talk to me. I don't ask him too, he just does. So it's nice. I've allowed the relationship to unfold naturally, and that's how I wanted it too. Which is another reason I fear to tell DH what he's telling me. I hate to ruin what DSS & I have.

Rachel...you can kick some booty, right? LOL. Freedom, shmeedom... (j/k), I feel the same way. I'd like to go to her & say "why? why are you doing this? what are you trying to prove? do you think you are making things easier or doing a good job parenting? and do you think this wont come back to hurt you one day when your son grows up & sees how manipulative you have been all these years? this will just backfire & you will be sorry". But...again, I will not say anything to her b/c she's a nut case. I refuse to give her amo for her crazy behavior. She is unbalanced on so many levels. I would just rather not talk to her all together. My concerns are w/ my DSS & how he must feel horrible on the inside about what his mother is telling him about his dad. I want him to have a place to talk (me) and then I want him to be able to know that we can work it out. Hence talk to my DH & let her (bio-mom) know that this isn't okay, to stop. But I have a strong feeling that "if" DH brings this up & confronts her (bio-mom) about what she's said, she will take my DSS away again. I really do. I think she'll try to blow up & make it as if we're unstable & that things are a mess b/c of ME b/c he came to ME & if it wasn't for ME everything would be fine, etc. I just know her too well. I can see this being totally turned around to look like an issue that would be blamed on ME & then used against us to take him away again. My DH has zero backbone & wont take her to court about the way she takes his own son away from him. Which is HIS problem, but I don't want to be the reason that starts to happen too.

I don't know what to do. I just want DSS to feel safe to talk to me, trust to talk to me, but also for this madness to stop at the same time. How do I do this w/ out it all blowing up in my face? Remember people, she's crazy.


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