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kasei1 September 23rd, 2010 10:50 AM

Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
OK where to start... well my husband has his two sons,n 6 and 8, from a previous relationship(never married) and i have my daughter, 4, from a previous marriage, and we have a new baby boy together, 5 months old. we have been married for just about 1.5 years and earlier this year everything was going OK everything was going fine the husbands ex dropped a serious drama bomb on us that has completely turned everything upside down, and now I'm at the end of my rope and don't know how to deal with any of this.

a little background on my husbands ex:

She has been in and out of the 8 year old's life for about 6-7 years now and never been a constant in the 6 year old's life. she has never supported the two boys in anyway whatsoever. and basically only does the bare minimum with them. never paid child support either. my husband has the boys 5 days out of the week every week. she does have a husband now and a new baby son as well, about 1.5years old now

background on my ex:


i was awarded sole custody of my daughter both legal and physical. he is ordered to pay support of 50 a month but i wont hold my breath as hes in jail for at least the next 30 years with no chance of parole for something id personally not like to go into ATM.

The boys history:
both boys and severely delayed in speech the younger has several other delays as well. the 8 year old acts like he is no older that 3 or 4 most the time.

now into the drama that started with hubby's ex last may:

she had lived right near us at the time and both boys and the girl were out playing and ended up going over to her house which had been fine at the time. i had called to make sure that was where they were and they had confirmed around lunch i had called for them to come back home for lunch and they told us that the boys already ate lunch there and that they didn't know where my daughter was and said maybe at the park which i can see out of my back window and said she wasn't there. they proceeded to say it wasn't there problem which was upsetting to say the least i hung up and went knocking on neighbors doors to find her. found her at the fifth door i knocked on. she was missing for about an hour before i even knew she was gone. not once have they ever admitted that not letting me know she left there house was wrong of apologized its not come to them even denying it ever happened. needless to say she's not allowed near them alone anymore. but back to the story... later that night i called to have the boys sent back for dinner and her husband asked me if the boys could spend the night as his mom was there visiting i told him he would have to ask my husband the boys father so when i gave the phone to my husband he was told a different story that people in uniform told them to keep the boys over night claiming we had been fighting to much. money had been tight and we were a bit stressed. my husband was not happy about that but let it go. the next day they told my husband that they were keeping the boys til an RCMP and CPS investigation was done because they were claiming the oldest DSS was telling them that his dad had been tickling his pee and bum in the bath which was 100% not true. now given that he has severe speech delay he is hard enough to understand without prompting his words or interpreting them. until recently wasn't even able to take a bath by himself and i mean not just sit in the tub but actually put shampoo in, condition, body wash, etc. he has to be prompted. in either case my husband was found 100% not guilty in all of it and had to spend about 6000 so far clearing his name and getting the kids back. she hijacked them from everyone that had been around all their lives. and then also moved an hour away from us and had originally tried to take the boys with her with only 2 days notice to us. also to later find out DSS never said anything of the sort to any cops or the child services worker who saw him. so now we got the kids back but she is being a complete nightmare on pick up and drop off of the kids. the wont come to the door to get her kids calls and demands i send HER kids down. i don't like the attitude she gives i know they are her kids not mine she thinks she has to remind me. then late Friday even she was 1 hour and 20 minutes late and did not call or let anyone know not me (who has the kids when she picks them up) or my husband (at work). when finally arriving she calls up and says in an angry voice " send my kids down" i sent them down and said good bye to both DSS's. when husband had gotten home 10 mins later i told him about her mood and he already knew she was late and had rushed home because of it. he called her up to confront her about it and her response was "i don't have to let your wife know anything, I'm the mom and your the dad it should be between us only." then he questioned why she did not tell him about her being late her response: "sometimes i just don't feel like talking to you!" i feel bad for the boys yes its between her and him on most things but i have these kids til you pick them up if you don't tell me your going to be late then your not letting the kids know either. plus i don't like the attitude that i can just be late if i want and you have to wait for me. i told my husband if she pulls this stunt again i'm not sitting around waiting for longer than 1 hour after that ill leave a msg and go do what i need to do and she can wait or meet me. on top of that we are now going after child support finally on her and her response to the possibility of back pay is ill just bankrupt out of it. i do not think you can bankrupt out of child support. on Sunday's she is supposed to bring them back by 10am. most times she doesn't feed them breakfast, and its been getting progressively worse on drop off as she waits til we open the door and she speeds off, to dropping them off and leaving before we even know the boys are even there.

behavior issues:

there also some very concerning behavior issues lately with the oldest DSS. i need advice i don't know how to deal with this. he consistent is touching his younger brothers pee. has started peeing on him and laughing, peeing on his little brothers bed, has tried to touch DD's privates, and has been humping his little brother on occasion. last night was one such instance his pants were down but the younger DSS still had his pants on. he tells stories that he had the younger one put his mouth on his pee at mommy's house. i know there is exploring but to me this is too much way way way too much. i don't know what goes on at their moms house but this is unacceptable behavior that has just gotten so horribly bad after she had them for 6 full weeks.... he gets upset and has come after his brother with his shoe in one hand threatening to hit him and almost did once til i stepped in. was upset that i wouldn't let him walk the dog and smacked me on my butt this kids is getting out of control. time outs don't work, going to his room doesn't work, talking doesn't work taking stuff away doesn't work. he tortures both dogs. absolutely wont behave unless getting his way and even then sometimes wont. he even goes out of his way to try and tell my daughter that she cant call me mom. when asked about what happens at mommy's house he just completely shuts down and won't say anything.

please i just need advice on what to do i love him like he was my own and i know hes not really a bad kid hes very good when he wants to be.

Wisey September 23rd, 2010 11:37 AM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
I think you need to get the kids some type of help. Help on their speech and mental help too.

I wish you the best in this situation.

K.A.T September 23rd, 2010 12:07 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
Talk to your DH first and foremost. Then take both boys to see a counselor to discuss these issues.

When it comes to the feelings between the ex and your DH, stay out it. She sounds like trouble and is only doing things to try and see how far she can push you.

With the child support, back support or current, bankruptcy does not clear you from it. That is the kind of debt a person cannot get rid of, just like student loans.

Rachel September 23rd, 2010 12:42 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Wisey (Post 21612920)
I think you need to get the kids some type of help. Help on their speech and mental help too.

I wish you the best in this situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by K.A.T (Post 21613365)
Talk to your DH first and foremost. Then take both boys to see a counselor to discuss these issues.

When it comes to the feelings between the ex and your DH, stay out it. She sounds like trouble and is only doing things to try and see how far she can push you.

With the child support, back support or current, bankruptcy does not clear you from it. That is the kind of debt a person cannot get rid of, just like student loans.

Couldn't agree more.

My DH's ex is quick to point out that I'm not a party to the case every time we go to court, but she had no trouble leaving the kids with me last summer when she had custody and Neely was out of town. It's quite annoying.

My2miracles September 24th, 2010 10:39 AM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
What a nightmare!

I agree with all of the above. The most important thing is to get those kids to a child therapist - especially the oldest. That is not normal exploration and honestly is frightening.

In the meantime, I would make absolutely sure that he is NEVER alone not even for a 2nd with your dd.

Rachel September 27th, 2010 03:31 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
Be sure to keep us updated on your situation, k?

kasei1 September 30th, 2010 10:31 AM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
sorry its taken so long to reply back, its been pretty busy here, but i agree the oldest definitely needs some kind of help with therapy of some sort im always paranoid about him being anywhere alone with my dd. its just not normal. DH is soo paranoid now and wont let me even try to find someone to help hes afraid that if we come out and say he does these things and its out of control that the kids will get taken away. then on top of it the fights between DH and i are just getting worse. ive tried my hardest to get a routine going for school. DD and the younger DSS are 4 and 6 and can grasp the routine fairly well its not perfect but its a start. the older one makes mornings and after school absolutely terrible for me. i correct him and he screams back at me, or ignores. last night we made all of the practice the routine before bed again, the two youngest got it but the oldest ignores everything and then shuts down when you try to make him and starts crying. my husband then starts feeling horrible then for him. hes 8 years old yes behind in school ill give him that but for petes sake this is basic care stuff. get dressed get shoes on eat breakfast, stuff i know he can do. i know he knows the routine. but every step he just says in a whiny voice i not know or remember. yesterday after school, he disappeared for 15 mins. i had to go search for him once he was found he was to wait for dh to come home to talk to him. dh had said he would but nope first thing he did was go on the computer then when reminded he said just dont do it again. the kid i feel is out of control. then dh was frustrated over how DSS was acting and then we had a fight ending with me feeling like this marriage will not last my DD has bonded with dh but i dont think this is a good situation anyone's in. DH and i are not on the same page and anytime i try to get on the same page and he complains that im nagging or he just doesnt want to talk about the problem. sweeping this under the rug will not solve anything and will cause nothing but problems and possibly me leaving im trying i dont want it to end but its to the point where dh and i have no relationship anymore. last night his answer to the problem was we don't take them to enough fun places. um excuse me in my family going out was a privilege not a right. we were expected to behave whether or not we went somewhere and definitely supposed to behave while we were out at said fun place. i just dont think thats the answer to solve the behavior problems. i mean dh is just lucky the kid doesnt do this at school or at least nothing has been said but i think there would be something said if he has. but i think if he just sweeps this under the rug it will get worse. i feel horrible but lately cuz of this type of behavoir i look forward to the time hes at school and on fridays when he goes to his moms house. i know its horrible for me to say that but its just so difficult and i get no help. dh's mom still just says DSS is just exploring. um exploring to me is on ones own self or possible at 3 or 4 out of curiousity at what each one has, but not at 8 and and with his knowledge. my dh thinks its a threat that i think this wont last but he refuses to help or lay off of me, so its not so much a threat as a i will do what i need to to be happy and keep dd safe. the other day he got mad at me mostly cuz i screamed at DSS cuz after DD's bath she was supposed to be getting dressed but when i went to check on her i found him in her room with her backed up by her dresser naked with the lights off and door closed. he got to cry and shed tears and nothing but another lecture from dh was done about it which was most likely ignored. but he yelled at me for yelling at him. excuse me i will make sure dd is not harmed by him. its not like i dont yell when he does it to younger DSS. id yell if it was anyone. but he thinks cuz it was dd im playing favorites which is soo not true.


im out of my mind frustrated. the only problem is if i leave ill most likely want to go home as im in canada on a sponsorship. my family is in ohio so that would be where id want to go but hed probably fight it i doubt hed win but if i stay i definitely need social assistance which he knows that he will have to pay the government back anything i apply for. i dont want to do that to him but i dont think hed let me move back either which would me stay here and feel like im trapped or go and mess him up by creating debt. personally id rather just go home. i could easily win custody of our 5.5 month old son. i just dont know what to do but each day makes me feel more and more alone i figure id be better off on my own again.

My2miracles October 2nd, 2010 03:07 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are a mother above all else & you need to protect your daughter. She IS being sexually abused by this boy. He may or may not have touched her.... but backing her up naked against a dresser and the lights out :eek:

Get her out of there NOW! And get her into counseling immediately!

This IS NOT normal behavior!

My2miracles October 2nd, 2010 03:44 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
Just wanted to add. I'm not judging you. You are in a horrible situation. Your dh has his head in the sand and it's not good.

Ultimately, you have to protect your 2 children. (((hugs))) Don't worry about money, the courts etc. Just go!

Rachel October 2nd, 2010 04:53 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles (Post 21715127)
GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are a mother above all else & you need to protect your daughter. She IS being sexually abused by this boy. He may or may not have touched her.... but backing her up naked against a dresser and the lights out :eek:

Get her out of there NOW! And get her into counseling immediately!

This IS NOT normal behavior!

Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles (Post 21715331)
Just wanted to add. I'm not judging you. You are in a horrible situation. Your dh has his head in the sand and it's not good.

Ultimately, you have to protect your 2 children. (((hugs))) Don't worry about money, the courts etc. Just go!

Agree and agree. ((hugs))

K.A.T October 2nd, 2010 06:29 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
Yes, dear you need to get out of that house with your daughter. It's not safe for her and the only way your DH will get it is if you leave.

ToonTownGirl October 3rd, 2010 04:06 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
I agree with these ladies. Protect your daughter {{hugs}}

kasei1 October 6th, 2010 01:32 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
first off id like to say thank you for your advice. and i will be making arragements to get out as of recently i have made it so at no point is my daughter out of sight with him its just not worth it to put my daughter at risk or possibly my new son when hes older. i just well bad that the younger DSS has to continue while dh turns a blind eye to it. he loves his sons but somethings wrong and the kid needs help. in DQ for petes sake the older actually touched him. its getting worse and im not staying. i can do this on my own. i just want to go back home to ohio but that may take a while as i need a divorce, set custody of our son which i will fight for no way hes staying to be treated to that type of actions. both boys mom has some mental problems of her own. but i fear its only a matter of time before he does something like that at the school. does anyone know about canadian divorce laws? im guessing ill need legal aid i have no job. and actually no where to really go when i leave. it just blows me away i never thought in my life id have to be afraid of what an 8 year old might do to my daughter. i feel lost. my daughter loves her stepdad too and hes a great guy but he completely ignores this behavior like it will go away. the response is usually "what you want me to do beat him til he gets the point." hes never actually beat him but he hates for these problems to be brought up. now its come to he said we have to just make sure hes not around her dont give him the chance well thats still sweeping the problem under the rug. all it takes is one chance to do it behind your back, but yea im getting out of here. im frustrated. i know it will break dh's heart and i feel like im asking him to choose between his son and me.

My2miracles October 7th, 2010 11:32 AM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
Are there women shelters in Canada? We have them here - it may be a good place to start.

I'm sorry but your Dh is NOT a good father/stepfather. He is not a great guy if he continues to let his son abuse others. What is he thinking? He's not doing his son any good either! He's going to end up in jail as sex offender on day. How is that being a good father????

Rachel October 7th, 2010 01:39 PM

Re: Don't know how to deal with this, i need advice badly... *warning will be long*
 
I don't know but if one of my step sons was harming my child, I'd call CPS and have them removed from my home. Put in treatment or placed in a foster home. It's neglect, IMO, for your DH to stick his head in the sand and say that you just have to keep the kids separate. His child needs help and if he's not going to act, you MUST!

Is there a child aid hotline you can call? If you can't get out, pregnant and with a small child to care for and unemployed, then perhaps they can help you figure out what you can do.


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