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-   -   would this bother you? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/230322-would-bother-you.html)

docsmomma June 16th, 2006 03:17 PM

OK, First I have zero problem with DS calling someone else mom if his bio-dad was in a serious committed relationship with another woman, if DS wanted to. BUT when he's only been dating this girl for 2 weeks by his own addmission and is telling DS "she's your new mommy" I've got a problem.

DS calls my husband daddy. He chose to, we never pushed it on him or encouraged it. It was his choice. It really bothered bio-dad and he kept telling DS "I'm your only daddy, you can't have 2 daddies". DS would get very upset and come home in tears that he doesn't want ONLY 1 daddy, he wants 2 daddies. And it's OK for him t have 2 daddies or 2 mommies or 2 daddies and 2 mommies, if he wants to. He knows he can call DH daddy, dad, pops, or DJ. His choice.

BUT bio dad started dating this woman 2 weeks ago. She's 18, and I've met her. In fact, she dated my BIL (who just turned 18) about a year ago. So when DS tells me that "only daddy" told him she's his new mommy and he had to call her mommy I was mad and shocked. It should be DS's choice to make! He cried that he only wants 1 mommy. He cried that he doesn't know this "new mommy". He asked me "why is she my new mommy? are you not my mommy anymore?" All this from a 4 yr old!

Had he been dating her longer than 2 weeks and had they been in a serious relationship I would have no problem with him deciding to call her mommy, but they've been together 2 weeks! And he's not being allowed to make the choice himself! That bother me.

Am I overreacting? Or should I talk to bio-dad and tell him that I'm cencerned because they've only been togehter 2 weeks, DS knows nothing of this woman, and that he's saying he doesn't want to call her mommy?

mom23 June 16th, 2006 04:04 PM

I am the step mom and that would bother me for Dh to have done. When I got together they asked what I wanted them to call me. I told them that they could pick. After we got married they asked again if they should call me mom. I explained I was not thier mother but they could call me what they wanted. I know that after the bm got married she made them call thier stepdad dad and they resented it. My step daughter will call me mama michelle now or every once and a while mom. We won't even talk about step son calls me. :confused: He has hated me since we had Collin.

So I think you have every reason to confront him about it. He may also be doing it because it hurts him to hear but he shouldn't take it out on your son it's just not fair to put him in the middle.

docsmomma June 16th, 2006 04:21 PM

thank you. I was worried I might be over-reacting, but at the same time, they've only been dating for 2 weeks, and even at 4, he deserves the choice. If they had been together longer and DS had been told it was his choice I would be fine with it, because I've always known that it could happen, and I'd rather DS know that I will support whatever choice he makes.

Mom2DyJessAva June 16th, 2006 04:25 PM

i agree with mom23...his dad shouldnt tell him that he has to call her mom..it should be his choice..2 weeks isnt a serious relationship but even if it was he should have the choice to decide if he wants to call her mom..i think the best thing to do is to have a talk with him about it and let him no how you feel about it..and how your son feels abouts it and tell him that he cried and the things he said..i feel bad for your son and i hope his dad comes around and realize that he shouldnt push him into calling another women mommy when he doesnt even no her...

Chrisa June 16th, 2006 06:14 PM

I totally agree. I'm a step mom and when dh and I got married, i point blank told my sd that she should call me what she felt comfortable with. She said she probably wouldn't call me mom and i told her that was fine. She calls me Chrisa, which is fine. Every now and then she slips and calls me Momma. That's fine too. She says that she has two moms though. I think two weeks is nothing and no one should be called Mommy or Daddy until they are married and either the bio parent or the step parent and it should be the child's decision. Chelsey doesn't do it out of loyalty to her Mom. That 's totally fine with me. i felt weird the first time I called my mil mom. Dh usually calls my parents mom and dad, so I do the same with his mom. You are totally not overreacting.

appifanie June 16th, 2006 06:24 PM

ugh - that's no good! i once knew a girl who was single w/ a child and she didn't let her kid get to know anyone she was dating b/c she didn't want to confuse them - i always thought that was nice. in any case, DH and i are recently married and i don't think it's even ocurred to SS that i'm his stepmom, and that's good by me b/c i don't want him to have to call me mom - "sarah" is fine by me!

mudholemama June 23rd, 2006 09:36 PM

I'm going to have to agree with the other ladies here...
I definitely think it should be your son's choice.

I knew DSD since she was 1. And one day when I was changing her
diaper, she pointed at me and said, "NANA". I thought she wanted a
banana....Ever since then, she's called me that and she's now 6 years old.

When her mom started dating a new guy, after like 1 month, supposedly
DSD wanted to call him daddy. Which, really hurt DH's feelings.
She'd get confused as to who was her "real" daddy. Now she's not
dating him and is with someone new but DSD won't call new guy daddy.

I think the choice needs to be left to the child. Whatever they feel
comfortable calling the step-parent...just my opinion.

docsmomma June 26th, 2006 03:24 PM

Thank you. I talked to his father and he told me "If he's going to call that man your married to daddy, then either he calls my girl mommy, or I just won't see him!"

GRRRR!!!

I pointed out to him that he;s onld enough to choose who gets what title. And that he might want to think about whats best for DS, not what's 'best' for himself. We'll see what happens with that.

mom23 June 26th, 2006 10:13 PM

Quote:

Thank you. I talked to his father and he told me "If he's going to call that man your married to daddy, then either he calls my girl mommy, or I just won't see him!"

GRRRR!!!

I pointed out to him that he;s onld enough to choose who gets what title. And that he might want to think about whats best for DS, not what's 'best' for himself. We'll see what happens with that.[/b]

I will never for life of me understand why people put thier kids in the middle. And why would he say He wouldn't see his child. What an a**!!! I can tell you that if my dh had done that with my step kids I would have had no respect for him.

I also did not meet the kids until I knew that There was something really special between myself and thier dad. I just think sometimes the kids get in the middle of all of our crap and we forget or just don;t care that we are having a negative impact on them. Even at 4 your child deserves his fathers respect and by all means if dad doesn't want to see him then something is wrong with him and it might just be best.

Okay sorry I vented out so hard I just hate to see kids hurt.

docsmomma July 5th, 2006 02:09 PM

So far, his bio-dad hasn't seen him in a week, he won't be seeing him for the next 2 weeks, and he wants to know how to sign over his parental rights. DS hasn't said anything about not seeing him yet. I don't know how I'll field that one should this actually happen. If he wants to sign over his parental rights, DH is more than willing to adopt DS, and at least then bio-dad won't be stepping in and out every few months, BUT at the saemtime I hate to see how much this will hurt DS when he suddenly realizes he hasn't seen him and says something to me, or figures this whole thing out!


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