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alyashlyn July 22nd, 2011 05:15 PM

About to have a nervous breakdown
 
I'm so irritated that I really just need to vent. I know that this rant is going to make me sound like a horrible stepmom and honestly I'm alright with that at this point. So the deal is dh has primary custody of his son, the visitation schedule is two weeks here and two weeks at biomom's. Currently my stepson is here and will be for another long week of hell.

So to be honest I really don't like my stepson in fact I can't stand him. The kid will be two in a few weeks and is a living nightmare. I spend the whole two weeks absolutely miserable and counting down the days when I get to send him away and then I spend the two weeks without him dreading his return. I know those are some pretty harsh things to say about kid so young but he has got to be the spawn of Satan. I have never met a child as destructive as he his, violent, aggressive and whiny and the kid doesn't talk at all oh wait he does say mama and shoes other than that he whines for EVERYTHING. He lacks any sense of independence and is constantly up my butt or he's busy throwing things at and hitting my girls. Nap time and bedtime are insane the kid sits in his room and screams at the top of his lungs every time he's put down EVERY TIME!! and he has done this since we started getting visitation when he was about 7 months - he just doesn't get it, bedtime is not a new event in his life he should be over it by now. That's just a portion of how horrible this kid is.

Due to his insane, destructive behavior I can't get a crib for my new baby since the plan was for the two of them to share a room. But I know if I put a crib in there the little brat will destroy it like he did his own bed and dresser. My room is too small to fit a crib so my poor baby is going to have to sleep in a playpen for I don't even know how long - until we can find a bigger place I guess or if hell freezes over and my stepson can stop acting like a wild animal.

I'm really nervous about how he's going to react to the new baby I can totally see him walking up to him and throwing crap at him like he does my girls. Right now I have the girls home to help out and fortunately because their school is being rebuilt school won't start until Sept 6 so I get a whole extra month with them to help me out but after that it's just me and I am freaking out.

I know that all sounds horrible of me to feel the way I do I just can't help it. I don't mistreat him or anything like that so please don't think that but I also don't go out of my way to play with him, if he can manage to behave (which is rare) I give him lots of positive attention but when he acts 'normal' (evil and possessed) I can't even look at him and I ignore him his whining. I just don't know what to do about this kid, I don't know how to not dislike him. I know the twos suck, they really do I wasn't crazy about my own kids at that age and they weren't any where near as bad as he is. I know a big problem is that I am in no way bonded to this child and I honestly don't even know if I really love him so his horrid behavior angers me so much more than it would if he was my bio kid. I guess in reality there's not much I can do just live in misery or take up drinking after the baby's born. Sorry that was so long thanks for listening.

Doodlebug06 July 22nd, 2011 05:55 PM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
I feel you're pain. I'm dur in January. My sd8 hits both my bios a lot.
I'm too am in fear of what will happen when our baby arrives.
:( just curious why the two weeks on and off?
Is it possible he just rather b w bio mom or is that a whole other story?

alyashlyn July 22nd, 2011 06:16 PM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Kangaroo (Post 24445587)
I feel you're pain. I'm dur in January. My sd8 hits both my bios a lot.
I'm too am in fear of what will happen when our baby arrives.
:( just curious why the two weeks on and off?
Is it possible he just rather b w bio mom or is that a whole other story?

I so wish he could just be with his mother more but unfortunately the women has bi-polar disorder and cycles on and off her meds resulting in several stays in the psych ward over the past few years. That's also why the visitation is set in two week intervals she can't be alone with him longer than that. In august dh and bio-mom have their final custody hearing, dh is fighting for having his son here full time which terrifies me I can't lose my two week vacations from this kid. I just hold out hope that if she didn't have her two weeks taken from her already and she stays on her meds long enough to make it to the 11th then the current situation will just be made permanent.

It sucks worrying that your newborn baby is at risk because of rotten kids. Sorry you have to worry about that too.

Doodlebug06 July 22nd, 2011 06:53 PM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
Well on the upside if you had him full time is it possible his behavior might change if you are full time influence on him?
My situation is bad bc dh refuses to get on the same (sane) page w me in regards to controlling sd8 behavior. I wish I had more advice but I'm in mini hell too.
I feel your pain. Oh so much.

alyashlyn July 22nd, 2011 07:23 PM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
I thought about that too, his behavior might change if he had more stability but really he just adds so much more work and it could take a while for any changes to take place and with a new baby I'm afraid I'll just lose my mind.

That's hard that your husband won't work with you on her behavior I know that just has to be so aggravating. I don't have that problem, my husband goes along with how I deal with his son. But then again my husband doesn't parent his kid at all I do everything with him so he doesn't care what I do with him. I feel like a single parent only I don't have to work and worry about paying bills but I do ALL the parenting.

twoboys July 22nd, 2011 09:05 PM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
I FEEL your pain!!! I am new here and I am reading your thread and I am like "woah" that sounds so familiar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had a baby and my bf other 3 are visiting us for the summer.. his daughter and my 1 yr old go at it all the time.. he has 2 boys and they gang up on my son.. not physically, but mentally.. its HELL..

I dont know what advice to give you??? I wish I could, I am already dreading next year and next summer and we still have 3 weeks left here.. I am supposed to be on maternity leave and I am stuck home with 5 children, who fight constantly and I cant do much about it.. I am exhausted from being up all night with a baby who suffers from severe reflux..

My SO talks about getting full custody of his kiddos and I am terrified of that, I am not sure I could do it and it makes me feel so guilty :(

Sorry.. my vent over!! Wishing you the best though, its a tough situation! :hug:

Doodlebug06 July 23rd, 2011 06:48 AM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by alyashlyn (Post 24446143)
I thought about that too, his behavior might change if he had more stability but really he just adds so much more work and it could take a while for any changes to take place and with a new baby I'm afraid I'll just lose my mind.

That's hard that your husband won't work with you on her behavior I know that just has to be so aggravating. I don't have that problem, my husband goes along with how I deal with his son. But then again my husband doesn't parent his kid at all I do everything with him so he doesn't care what I do with him. I feel like a single parent only I don't have to work and worry about paying bills but I do ALL the parenting.

Count your blessings sister!
If dh let me do as I please w his kid, she would be a different kid.
I'd put a stop to a lot of crap!
But noooo. His precious baby can't be possibly disciplined.
Arg!! I dread summers now too!

K.A.T July 23rd, 2011 07:29 AM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
:dothug: Two is young, if your DH was to get full custody, you should be able to influence his behavior. Stability makes a big difference with kids. I wish we would have been able to get full custody when dsd was younger. I would have raised her differently.

AMiner86 July 23rd, 2011 07:32 AM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
Honestly, stability could be the best thing for the kid. Kids do soooo much better when they have a stable environment, especially at that age, so having him in your house full time might be more work in the beginning, but once he gets on a steady routine and is aware of the rules and boundaries, you might possibly see a whole new kid.

Also, if you have a negative energy when you're around him, he's likely to pick up on it and then respond to it. I'm not gonna say "love him like he's your own" because that's just not the situation for everyone, but you can't build up a wall of hate around him. IMO, kids cannot be entirely blamed for certain behaviors, especially at such a young age. Kids do what they know works and it's up to the parents to change that. If he sees that screaming and throwing fits is in some way working for him, then he's going to continue to do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by K.A.T (Post 24448012)
I wish we would have been able to get full custody when dsd was younger. I would have raised her differently.

I think the same thing about DSS all the time. Unfortunately, we still don't technically have full custody (it's supposed to be co-parenting but she only takes him every other weekend) and it would make things so much easier if we did.

My2miracles July 23rd, 2011 08:07 AM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
(((hugs))) You aren't alone in disliking your stepchild. I really dislike dh's oldest - granted I came into her life when she was 10 but she's made my life a living hell for the last 6 years. She's a manipulative liar.

alyashlyn July 23rd, 2011 03:17 PM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Kangaroo (Post 24447798)
Count your blessings sister!
If dh let me do as I please w his kid, she would be a different kid.
I'd put a stop to a lot of crap!
But noooo. His precious baby can't be possibly disciplined.
Arg!! I dread summers now too!

That's how my husband is with his snotty, know-it-all, brat daughter 9. It drove me crazy, last summer was the worst. Thank God I don't have to deal with her anymore though, Precious didn't want to come here anymore so she doesn't have to.

I know that more stability would probably help his behavior but to be honest I just don't want to deal with him more, he is just so much work and so difficult I know that's so selfish of me to say but it's the truth. I would love for him to be here more when he's older but I hate the toddler stage so much I'm dreading it with the new baby too. As long as he's behaving I'm in a great mood and am very positive towards him, I try to be very aware of my mood around him. I try really hard to not be negative but becomes difficult when the misbehaving just doesn't quit, once he starts up he just won't stop. Like this morning, he was great for the first few hours - the thing is though that both my husband and myself were in the same room as him so he will behave when we're around. As soon as we both left the room he spit milk on one of my girls, hit the tv with his toy golf club, when the girls tried to stop him he hit one of them in the head with it, he tried to climb the book shelf. I just don't get it he's pretty good when me or my husband are in the same room as him he won't pull that crap around us - that's proof the little monster knows better, but once he's alone or alone with my girls all hell breaks lose. I wanted to strangle him this morning.

I am very aware bipolar disorder is hereditary, I know there's a good chance he's got it too. Both of bio moms other kids have been diagnosed and it along with schizophrenia run in her family, almost everyone has some form of mental disorder. I have already talked to his pediatrician about this and so she wants to keep him monitored for the next few years since right now he's too young to tell anything yet but by school age they'll have a better idea.

It makes me feel so much better that I'm not the only one not liking my stepkid, I feel so guilty I read people on here talk about how much they love them and couldn't image their lives with the stepkids - I just get so jealous, like why can't I feel that way too I don't even like my step son let alone love him.

*KaraBeth* July 23rd, 2011 05:18 PM

Re: About to have a nervous breakdown
 
I don't post here much but reading your story reminded me of myself.

I have a 3 yr old stepson and my dh has 50/50 custody of him but he hasn't seen his bio mom since november so really he's with us full time. Me and dh got married when he had just turned 2 and I quit my job to stay home with him. 2's are bad but let me tell you 3's are worse. Not what you want to hear, I'm sorry. Everyone told me to love him more, give more attention.. blah blah blah. Yes, he needs to feel loved and have attention but don't beat yourself up like I did that you don't have that bond that you do with your bio children. I fake it. I love my ss because he's a part of dh.. everything else will take time.
I agree that stability will seriously be the best thing for him. Think about what's going on in his mind.. he's probably SO confused as to why he has to be with you guys for a bit then back with his mom, only to leave again. If you guys could get custody of him I think you would see a different kid. But, only if you work on his behavior. My ss had NO discipline at all. My dh is a very laid back guy and let everything go. Well because I was pregnant I knew I needed this kid to act better!! Once he knew what was acceptable and what wasn't it got alot better. It's still not great and we have bad, BAD days but it's better.

Just wanted to say you're not alone and there are others like you out there. Big hugs!! I hope things get better and if you need to talk/vent here is the place to do it!


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