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-   -   What do you do when they won't follow rules??? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/2562217-what-do-you-do-when-they-wont-follow-rules.html)

mom2more August 16th, 2012 09:30 AM

What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
I posted before about my teen stepdaughter and her sexting. We made it clear it was not allowed to talk like that or to talk to strangers online.

Well its happening again. When we caught her the other day she told us that she is a teenager and teenagers just do that type of stuff (sexting and talking online to strangers!!!) OMG I was SOOOO mad when she said that.

After our latest talk with her hubby thought instead of taking away electronics we will take away privacy. Now she is only allowed in her bedroom to sleep...the rest of the time she HAS to be in familyroom or kitchen. And when we go to bed at night we shut off our internet.

I am not sure yet what we are going to do about friends and going places. Don't know if she should only be allowed to have friends over here for a while and have no privacy. Or if we should ban friends and a social life altogether for a while. Though that might push her away from us even further.

Any ideas??

pmdc5286 August 16th, 2012 09:43 AM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
As far as the phone goes, I have a feature on Sean's phone where during school hours he can only talk or text people that are listed by me as "safe" numbers. This keeps him from getting in trouble for texting at school. You can put in as many numbers as you want to.

On the phone that Dani and Robert share it always stays on lockdown mode and has about 20 safe numbers on it. We do this to keep Robert's mom from running up our minutes when he is there.

There is a program with our phones that is called Chaperone Parent/Child that will let you track where your kid is or set up a zone where she is supposed to be and will send you an alert if your kid goes out of the zone.

stresswife August 16th, 2012 10:54 AM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
I think banning all friends will push her away, she will really resent you , but I agree with taking away her privacy, if she wants friends over they need to hang out in the open .

Rachel August 16th, 2012 07:11 PM

No phone, no internet, no friends houses till she learns to respect the rules. That's what I would do.

Wisey August 17th, 2012 08:07 AM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
I agree with Rachel! No Fun until you can follow the rules!

plan4fate August 17th, 2012 09:54 AM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
I'm with Rachel.

When I was in trouble as a kid, no one cared if I might resent my parents (and really, if you didn't resent your parents at least once, you were either an angel, or your parents never punished you).. I was punished and punished hard. I was actually a pretty good kid, but I still got punished on a regular basis, sometimes as long as a month with no tv, no phone, and no social life.. period.

.Katie. August 17th, 2012 11:18 AM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
Take everything away. Everything.

Ember Rose August 17th, 2012 11:46 AM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
I feel like it's less about the rules and more about the feelings, urges and emotions she's dealing with that are driving her to seek the type of behavior.

lilymagic August 17th, 2012 12:58 PM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
My mother was always a fan of hard manual labor. And long lectures. I was jealous of my frineds who just got grounded. Oh, you can't watch TV for a month? I had to move bricks. I'd take no TV any day of the week. Got any work you need done around the house? Or in the yard?

It sounds like the real root of the problem hasn't been addressed though. Why is she doing this? It sounds like she wants to fit in (all teenagers do this), and she likes the attention she gets. She needs to know how dangerous this is. Talking to strangers on line, how does she know that's not some creepy old man? Or a serial killer? IP address can be hacked (I saw it on Criminal Minds). She could get a creepy stalker.

She also might be trying to explore her sexuality. She's 15, she's noticing boys, really noticing boys, and she's having sexual desires and feelings. This is all normal and healthy. The way she explores these feelings and express them is what is troublesome. I'd encourage her to write out how she is feeling in a diary/journal. One not on line. One in a notebook. Make it clear to her this won't be read by you or her dad. Because you don't want to read it. Believe me.

Talk openly about sex. Not in a "don't you dare have sex until you're married" way. But in an open, honest disscussion, treat her like an adult regarding sex. Saying, no don't, this is naughty, is just going to make her explore more, and keep it a secret and hide it away. Explain having sexual desires is fine. But that having sex should be about love, not about impressing a guy. Not about getting attention from a guy. But about being in love, and wanting to have sex. Explain the emotions that get involved when you have sex. Talk about masturbation. Answer questions as honestly as you can. For the love of god do not do this infront of the other kids or her father. That's just embarrissing.

If you don't feel like you can talk to her, or maybe you don't think she'll open up to you, see if there is a close female relative who can. An aunt or an older cousin. She might feel more comfortable with someone not in a position of authority whose a bit closer to her age.

As for her friends, a few weeks without them won't kill her. Yes, she will probably resent you for it. She's a teenager. They all resent all adults. It's kind of their deal. When she doesn't wind up brutally murdered, or on the recieving end of a nasty rumor (they suck, espeically when you didn't actually do anything to earn it), she'll thank you. She'll probably be 30 before she does, but she will.

K.A.T August 17th, 2012 12:58 PM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
I'm like Rachel. It all goes until you can show you deserve it. And once you do earn it back, you still won't get privacy and will have a crap load of restrictions.

mom2more August 17th, 2012 06:54 PM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
I do think she has to deal with the root of her problems...her bio mom.

I do think we need to be strict with her. We are sticking to the no privacy at home thing. She had a friend over yesterday and was not allowed to go hang out in her room. Her friend asked why and she tried to lie and say she had ants in her room!! We were not about to let her make people think we had a dirty house so we told her friend the partial truth...grounded from her room except sleeping because she did things on her computer we had told her not to. If it embarrassed her then oh well. She should think about her actions more then.

We have had serious sex talks with her. Hopefully some of it sank in. She is so defiant though so who knows. We don't give her many rules, but she seems to break them anyways. And then she tries lying to get out of it and she is a bad liar.

Hubby did allow her to go see friends tonite. They were going to a sporting event at school and then sleeping over at her friends house. We had her call us from the event and told her to call us when they get back to her friends. We also didn't allow her to bring her iPod or laptop with to her friends. I think she should not have been allowed to go anywhere....but it was hubbys decision.

plan4fate August 17th, 2012 08:03 PM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2more (Post 26417732)
I do think she has to deal with the root of her problems...her bio mom.

I do think we need to be strict with her. We are sticking to the no privacy at home thing. She had a friend over yesterday and was not allowed to go hang out in her room. Her friend asked why and she tried to lie and say she had ants in her room!! We were not about to let her make people think we had a dirty house so we told her friend the partial truth...grounded from her room except sleeping because she did things on her computer we had told her not to. If it embarrassed her then oh well. She should think about her actions more then.

We have had serious sex talks with her. Hopefully some of it sank in. She is so defiant though so who knows. We don't give her many rules, but she seems to break them anyways. And then she tries lying to get out of it and she is a bad liar.

Hubby did allow her to go see friends tonite. They were going to a sporting event at school and then sleeping over at her friends house. We had her call us from the event and told her to call us when they get back to her friends. We also didn't allow her to bring her iPod or laptop with to her friends. I think she should not have been allowed to go anywhere....but it was hubbys decision.

yeah your hubby needs some lessons in punishing a child... I'm sure my mom's free to give him a few pointers tomorrow....

I got grounded in 11th grade. I will spare you the details, but I got 30 days grounding. No TV, no phone, no hanging out with friends outside school. I got one exception, I had a ticket to a school play, and they let me go.. dropped off at the door and picked up minutes after it was over. I had a boyfriend of almost 3 years at that point who didn't see me outside of school/school work for a month. Longest month ever, but I had some fantastic grades at the end of it.

I think it was fine for your DSD to go to the sporting event, but she should have had to come home after rather than going to the sleep over. Kids learn very little when you don't stick to your guns. I think my 30 day was my LAST grounding... I was tired of having what little social life I did have taken from me.

Rachel August 18th, 2012 08:33 AM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2more (Post 26417732)
I do think she has to deal with the root of her problems...her bio mom.

I do think we need to be strict with her. We are sticking to the no privacy at home thing. She had a friend over yesterday and was not allowed to go hang out in her room. Her friend asked why and she tried to lie and say she had ants in her room!! We were not about to let her make people think we had a dirty house so we told her friend the partial truth...grounded from her room except sleeping because she did things on her computer we had told her not to. If it embarrassed her then oh well. She should think about her actions more then.

We have had serious sex talks with her. Hopefully some of it sank in. She is so defiant though so who knows. We don't give her many rules, but she seems to break them anyways. And then she tries lying to get out of it and she is a bad liar.

Hubby did allow her to go see friends tonite. They were going to a sporting event at school and then sleeping over at her friends house. We had her call us from the event and told her to call us when they get back to her friends. We also didn't allow her to bring her iPod or laptop with to her friends. I think she should not have been allowed to go anywhere....but it was hubbys decision.

Your husband isn't doing her any favors. His leniency is going to come back and bite you all in the ***, her especially. So what if she couldn't take her laptop, I'm sure her friend had one she could use.

Consistency is the key to disciplining, any age. If you're grounded, you're grounded. There are no exceptions.

mom2more August 18th, 2012 07:29 PM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
I agree. I didn't like the idea of her going to the sporting event or the sleepover. Hubby is too lenient and we disagree about it. We actually argued about me finding the history in her computer and iPod of what she was doing online. He tried telling me at first that I should not be looking for that stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told him that as long as we are married and she lives with us I will look for whatever I wish. And I told him that I would rather look for that than look for our kidnapped daughter, comfort our raped daughter, take our STD ridden daughter to the dr, identify our murdered daughter, or take care of our new grandkid born to our teen daughter!

He has this idea that if he doesn't know about it then it doesn't exist.

Hollydawn August 19th, 2012 03:04 PM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
There is also a nanny programme that you can block words on the computer. I couldnt google butterfly when I was in HS because it had the word butt in it. Our internet turned on at 7pm and off at 730. Our computer was where everyone could see it. I wasnt allowed to use my phone unless I was dying in a car wreck. After getting in trouble my mom and step dad took everything I was only allowed to have an alarm clock with no radio. No cds, tv, computer games or friends houses. People could come over and could come in my room. I was never allowed to have the door shut if friends were over. know what I did. I learned to play outside. my chores and home work were done and I learned to bake. lol I hated my parents for it then. now I am so glad that they did what they did. It really taught me that I was being dumb. I am lucky to have parents that stuck to their beliefs and didnt let up on me.

mom2more August 20th, 2012 12:06 PM

Re: What do you do when they won't follow rules???
 
We let her have her cell, but at 9pm our service is set up to block her from using her phone or texting till the next day. She doesn't go to bed till around then so the rest of the time she is in the open texting or talking. All her internet accessible electronics are now in the main areas of the house where we can see her using them. And she is not allowed in her room unless its time for bed now, even if she has friends over.

I found last night that for a few $ a month our cell service has some type of tracking thing where you can see where the cell phone is at. I am looking into that so we can know where she is every time she goes anywhere (she always tells us, but it will be nice to be sure of it in light of everything recently).

Technology is such a pain!!


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