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-   -   How to deal with this? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/2567430-how-to-deal.html)

comomcrt August 30th, 2012 05:19 AM

How to deal with this?
 
Good Morning All,

This is my first time posting here and I have a situation I need input on. Some months ago my former sister-in-law who lives in a different state requested my children come join their family on their dad's side for a holiday family reunion. I let her know I needed to check visitation schedules, etc. Well, it is my year to have my children for the holidays but I am willing to let them go and see their family as they do not often see their aunts/uncles/cousins etc. so I e-mailed her to follow up and asked the following "I wondered if you are still planning on having the kids over for holidays?". She replied and said she would love to have them join them and to let her know if she could help. She did not provide dates or travel arrangements. While I don't mind if the kids go, I was expecting her to provide for their travel arrangements and/or costs. I cannot afford to send them to see their family and I am looking for a polite way to reply via email and request she pay for their travel. I feel like this is an awkward spot to be in and want to handle it appropriately. Have any of you dealt with this? How did you handle it? What should I say in my e-mail to be kind and let her know she will have to pay for the trip or they can't go? Please help! TYIA!!!

Keakie August 30th, 2012 05:50 AM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
If it were me, I would just be honest. :shrugs: "It's important to me that she's able to see her family members and I'm willing to help make it happen. That said, finances are tight and it isn't feasible for me to pay for her travel costs." It is a little awkward because it should be your x covering the travel expenses for his child to come spend the holidays with his side of the family (not your x-sil), but she's the one who's reached out to you.

Maybe offer what you are able/willing to do - "I can get her to the airport/drive her to x spot/cover xx% of her ticket, but I won't be able to cover the cost and make the arrangements by myself. I'll need to speak with x directly to figure out what he is willing to contribute to this trip."

If they've asked for her to come out, it may be assumed that they're going to cover it for her anyway. :shrugs: I don't know what their personalities are like, though. Good luck!

Rachel August 30th, 2012 06:43 AM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
I agree with Kayla 100%. Good luck!

stucklikeglue August 30th, 2012 06:46 AM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
I completely agree with kayla. Good luck :) and welcome to the board

comomcrt August 30th, 2012 07:08 AM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
More Info - the kids dad is estranged from his family and lives in a different state also - so he won't be seeing the kids at all & doesn't even want the kids to see his family - which is beside the point - they are good people & I have tried to maintain contact with them...

Keakie August 30th, 2012 07:37 AM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
:shrugs: Well then I would change the second part of the email to instead say, "I can get her to the airport/drive her to x spot/cover xx% of her ticket, but I won't be able to cover the cost and make the arrangements by myself. Would you be willing to cover those costs/make those arrangements/[insert whatever you would like that side of the family to do]?"

w292737 August 30th, 2012 07:49 AM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
I'd jus tbe honest and let her know that you'd be happy to try and accomidate that, however you don't have the extra cost of travel in the budget. and see what she says from there.

My2miracles August 30th, 2012 10:07 AM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
Welcome! I'd try a suttle approach at 1st.

Say something like "I'd love the children to spend time with your family during the holidays. Please provide the dates you'd like them to visit & your transportation plans"

Then see what she comes back with. Hopefully she'll provide the dates & tell you they are covering the plane costs. If not then you can say "while I'd love the children to spend time with you, it's just not in my budget this year to pay for their transportation."

I've a firm believer of not disclosing your personal financial situation if you don't have to. Perhaps she just didn't think about it yet.

Good luck!

Ember Rose August 30th, 2012 10:53 AM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
hmmm...depending on however many months ago she contacted you she might be of the mind she gave you enough time to plan financially for this trip. Uhm...I dunno. It's an interesting spot to be in.

plan4fate August 30th, 2012 12:07 PM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
I agree with Kayla.

But, I'm a little uncomfortable with the "DH is estranged and doesn't want them to see his family". While I fully believe that a child should know his/her family, I do not think I could send them off with a family he doesn't want them to see, especially with out you there.

Ember Rose August 30th, 2012 12:19 PM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by plan4fate (Post 26469654)
I agree with Kayla.

But, I'm a little uncomfortable with the "DH is estranged and doesn't want them to see his family". While I fully believe that a child should know his/her family, I do not think I could send them off with a family he doesn't want them to see, especially with out you there.

Thissssssssssssssss.

comomcrt August 30th, 2012 01:28 PM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by plan4fate (Post 26469654)
I agree with Kayla.

But, I'm a little uncomfortable with the "DH is estranged and doesn't want them to see his family". While I fully believe that a child should know his/her family, I do not think I could send them off with a family he doesn't want them to see, especially with out you there.

Actually, my ex is the one who has "issues", his family is great & I have know them since JR High - he has made many poor choices over the years and has cut many people out of his life - another story for another day... :smile:

Thank you all for your responses - I am going to try the subtle but honest approach and see how it goes...

Thanks again!

My2miracles August 30th, 2012 01:52 PM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
Is your ex involved in the kids life?

K.A.T August 30th, 2012 02:41 PM

Re: How to deal with this?
 
Welcome. I see you've already gotten great advice so I will just ditto it.


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