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-   -   I just really need to vent right now. (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/2587134-i-just-really-need-to-vent-right-now.html)

Stepmom2Be October 21st, 2012 06:32 PM

I just really need to vent right now.
 
I knew it couldn't last forever. I really need to vent.

2 weeks ago was O's first soccer game. It was our week with him. We were sitting by the field, getting him ready and we saw his mom looking for us. We said, "Go get your mom." He runs over, and before she even hugged him he grabbed him and sprayed him down with sunscreen. I had suncreen in my purse. I was about to spray it on him, but I sent him to go get her.

Whatever, we dealt with it and didn't say anything. She came to pick him up the next day, showed up at 5:45 instead of 6 but we didn't say anything and we let her take him and didn't tell her not to come so early. Picking battles.

This past Saturday he had his second game. He was with her. They showed up 5 minutes late. 10 minutes later, she sprays him with sunscreen because she forgot to before she got there. We said nothing. We were there to watch him, not over-parent her. She came up to Eric and said "Can you please tell your son to go practice with the other kids, he's refusing to listen to me." Eric said, "O, go practice and off he went." Also, during the whole game, all the kids were lined up on the sideline, waiting to be called back in to play. Except O. He was sitting on his moms lap... playing patty cake. And when he ran over to her during half time, she said, "Here baby, drink some wa-wa." HE IS EIGHT!

Anywho. We just picked him up tonight. We get there at 6pm. On the dot. He's not even ready yet. She invites us in, and takes 10 minuets to pack up all his soccer gear. She says, " I put a sunscreen in here, it's brand new. I figured I would send it with you in case I don't get there in time to spray him on Saturday."

Saturday is OUR day. I don't understand why she feels the need to parent him during our time. Oh and another thing. I take all his soccer stuff out of his bag. His jersey and his SOCCER BALL are missing. We split everything 50/50 so we could just send it back and forth. I just texted her and she's gonna bring it all to his practice on tuesday.

And the sunscreen? It's banana boat BABY sun screen. He is 8 years old.

I'm sorry if this all seems trivial. But I go out of my way to make sure we do things right and there is nothing I hate more than being made to felt like we can't handle him during OUR time.

plan4fate October 21st, 2012 08:25 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Hugs.

I don't have much to say, but to play some devils advocate..perhaps she chose the baby sun screen because it's milder? I keep both in the house, one type for Reme and I, one for DH.. he uses baby. Both are the same SPF, but DH reacts to one and not the other.

ok.. maybe I do have something to say. Ya'll need to sit down with Owen and tell him he stays with the team. Where I grew up, if he tried that, he wouldn't play and would have to run extra laps. If he needs to come over for something that's fine, but to be sitting on her lap rather than with the rest... is just not appropriate. My 9 year old cousin isn't allowed any contact with family during the game unless something is wrong and she's spoke to her coach first.

We struggle with not parenting while the other parent has him too. We do try and keep our place, it doesn't sound like she even tries.

Stepmom2Be October 21st, 2012 08:35 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by plan4fate (Post 26679997)
Hugs.

I don't have much to say, but to play some devils advocate..perhaps she chose the baby sun screen because it's milder? I keep both in the house, one type for Reme and I, one for DH.. he uses baby. Both are the same SPF, but DH reacts to one and not the other.

ok.. maybe I do have something to say. Ya'll need to sit down with Owen and tell him he stays with the team. Where I grew up, if he tried that, he wouldn't play and would have to run extra laps. If he needs to come over for something that's fine, but to be sitting on her lap rather than with the rest... is just not appropriate. My 9 year old cousin isn't allowed any contact with family during the game unless something is wrong and she's spoke to her coach first.

We struggle with not parenting while the other parent has him too. We do try and keep our place, it doesn't sound like she even tries.

What we try to do is set the example while he's with us. So next week at the game, during our time, if he tries to sit with us, we're going to tell him loud and clear that he needs to stay with the team and take his water to the sideline.

O reacts to a certain brand of sunscreen. But the banana boat kids is what we've used for the last 2 years. She's seen me put it on him at practice before the sun had gone down.

Doodlebug06 October 22nd, 2012 07:02 AM

I've just got to say....awwwkkkkwwaaarrdd!!! An 8 year old not sitting on mommys lap playing patty cake?
I thought our situation with dh kissing 9 year old sd on the lips who has breasts and a period was odd. Lol. What are these parents thinking??? Can you imagine the ridicule he must get from friends after watching him do that? For all that is holy please tell her he will be made fun of if nothing else!

w292737 October 22nd, 2012 08:23 AM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Quote:

I don't understand why she feels the need to parent him during our time
Because she is his mom, and you don't just turn that off because your kid isn't with you, or it's his fathers 'time'

I still buy baby sunscreen, it's usually milder and easier and I can always find it in a higher SPF then regular.

i don't see the big deal about that stuff. if the soccere stuf fi smissing give her the benefit of the doubt that with everything going on with the roommate and trying to find a new place she's a little stressed or frazzeled, and she knew you were waiting and rushed. it's not a big deal, imho, it will get to him before practice.

sorry you are feeling so frustrated.

Mom2Froggy October 22nd, 2012 08:58 AM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by w292737 (Post 26681431)
Because she is his mom, and you don't just turn that off because your kid isn't with you, or it's his fathers 'time'

I still buy baby sunscreen, it's usually milder and easier and I can always find it in a higher SPF then regular.

i don't see the big deal about that stuff. if the soccere stuf fi smissing give her the benefit of the doubt that with everything going on with the roommate and trying to find a new place she's a little stressed or frazzeled, and she knew you were waiting and rushed. it's not a big deal, imho, it will get to him before practice.

sorry you are feeling so frustrated.

I agree with you. I even use baby sunscreen, it tends to rub in better, not as greasy (it's more lotion like, not oil like) and it seems to stay on better. I really don't care if my daughter is 8 months, 8 years, or 18.... sunscreen baby isn't just for babies, lol. Oh, and plus, it usually smells better.

Sitting on your parents lap at that age... who cares. Playing patty cake, a little weird but ya know some of the things I do could be considered babyish to Lils. Shes his mom though. As for saying wawa... I HATE babytalk at ANY age, and think that hinders development. But at 8 years old shes only making herself look like an idiot, so move on. But all in all, she doesnt really seem that bad.

Mom2Froggy October 22nd, 2012 09:05 AM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodlebug06 (Post 26681075)
I've just got to say....awwwkkkkwwaaarrdd!!! An 8 year old not sitting on mommys lap playing patty cake?
I thought our situation with dh kissing 9 year old sd on the lips who has breasts and a period was odd. Lol. What are these parents thinking??? Can you imagine the ridicule he must get from friends after watching him do that? For all that is holy please tell her he will be made fun of if nothing else!

Why is it odd for DH to kiss his SD on the lips?

Tony doesn't kiss Lily but if they both decided to I wouldn't care, even if I'm not married. He's been there her whole life.

I still kiss my parents on the lips, lol.

Ember Rose October 22nd, 2012 09:34 AM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Part of being on a team is being with the team. You hang out with your family at home on the field you sit with the team. If he were 5 maybe but he's 8.

Not parenting on other people's time is something that's hard but if you wouldn't want it done to you, don't do it to someone else. And she knows she would hate that.

My2miracles October 22nd, 2012 10:27 AM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
I agree with the others on the sunscreen. As far as the rest, well she's his mother. I'd find it impossible to sit back at my son's game & act like I'm a stranger to him while my ex's girlfriend acts like his mother. Sorry but that would be an issue for me.

The key here is - just because someone doesn't parent the way you do, doesn't make them a bad parent. Just makes them different. You can't teach her to parent your way. I have a neighbor who is like that. She expects all children to be parented the way she parents hers. She thinks she's above me. I parent the way I do by choice and have no desire to change for her or anyone else.

Step back & let her be O's mom. You don't have to like it or agree with how she does it but you do have to respect it. O will turn out just fine.

Ember Rose October 22nd, 2012 11:05 AM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles (Post 26682110)
I agree with the others on the sunscreen. As far as the rest, well she's his mother. I'd find it impossible to sit back at my son's game & act like I'm a stranger to him while my ex's girlfriend acts like his mother. Sorry but that would be an issue for me.

The key here is - just because someone doesn't parent the way you do, doesn't make them a bad parent. Just makes them different. You can't teach her to parent your way. I have a neighbor who is like that. She expects all children to be parented the way she parents hers. She thinks she's above me. I parent the way I do by choice and have no desire to change for her or anyone else.

Step back & let her be O's mom. You don't have to like it or agree with how she does it but you do have to respect it. O will turn out just fine.

The same thing goes for her though. It's not about her stepping on stepmom's toes because she's not there by herself she's with this child's father. The mom is being completely disrespectful to the father because of her insecurities about the stepmother. It wasn't SM's choice to put sunscreen on O, it was a joint decision because he needs it. The dad would do that if he were by himself as well because it's a common sense this is what I have to do to take care of my kid thing.

Rachel October 22nd, 2012 11:10 AM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mom2Froggy (Post 26681665)
Why is it odd for DH to kiss his SD on the lips?

Tony doesn't kiss Lily but if they both decided to I wouldn't care, even if I'm not married. He's been there her whole life.

I still kiss my parents on the lips, lol.

We don't need to have this conversation again! :rofl: There's a really long thread about it here if you search for it. You can see her views and every one else's. It got kind of uh, heated. :whistle:

Anyway, I'm sorry you're upset. But in the end, you're right to pick your battles. The wa-wa and patty cake make me feel hinky, giving our 13 year old's weird relationship with his mom. He STILL talks baby talk to her on the phone like saying "I wuv voo" instead of I love you and still holds her hand and kisses and hugs her in public. And she sits on his lap, or she did till she got all fat again. It creeps me out. I know my son when he was 13 wouldn't have been caught dead doing that or showing me affection in public.

Ember Rose October 22nd, 2012 11:14 AM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rachel (Post 26682314)
We don't need to have this conversation again! :rofl: There's a really long thread about it here if you search for it. You can see her views and every one else's. It got kind of uh, heated. :whistle:

Anyway, I'm sorry you're upset. But in the end, you're right to pick your battles. The wa-wa and patty cake make me feel hinky, giving our 13 year old's weird relationship with his mom. He STILL talks baby talk to her on the phone like saying "I wuv voo" instead of I love you and still holds her hand and kisses and hugs her in public. And she sits on his lap, or she did till she got all fat again. It creeps me out. I know my son when he was 13 wouldn't have been caught dead doing that or showing me affection in public.

No idea why this is hilarious today but I'm cracking up.

Stepmom2Be October 22nd, 2012 12:00 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
I know there is opinions on both sides.

Let me just say this. Exactly what you guys are saying, reverse it.

Eric DOES turn off his "I need to tell O what to do" instinct when O's MOTHER is there and it is her time.

We dont step on her toes.

This has nothing to do with ME being the one to tell him to do anything. I really dont do much when they are both around. I dont just sit there silent, because I play a big role in O's life, and especially during our time, Eric and I parent as a team.

But for her to just assume that we dont own sunscreen, or that she needs to buy us sunscreen just in case she isnt there in time to put it on? Thats just rude. Thats her saying O's father does not know how to take care of him. He got a little pink ONE time after 2 full days in the sun, and all the sudden she feels the need to control our time with him.

Yet when he comes to us with his whole upper lip completely chapped and scabbed from licking, and tells us she doesnt put chap stick on him, her reasoning is, "its that time of year, its unavoidable"

My2miracles October 22nd, 2012 12:07 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ember Rose (Post 26682288)
The same thing goes for her though. It's not about her stepping on stepmom's toes because she's not there by herself she's with this child's father. The mom is being completely disrespectful to the father because of her insecurities about the stepmother. It wasn't SM's choice to put sunscreen on O, it was a joint decision because he needs it. The dad would do that if he were by himself as well because it's a common sense this is what I have to do to take care of my kid thing.


I don't see taking care of her son as being insecure. I'm the farthest thing from insecure & would have a hard time not parenting when I'm with my child even if it were just my ex. Especially since it's a 2 hour game.

We see dh's ex once a year on our time. I don't expect her to stop being dsd's mom just because "it's our time". We only see dsd 3-4 times a year so our time with her is valuable. But I still don't expect her to stop being a mom.

w292737 October 22nd, 2012 12:21 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be (Post 26682566)
I know there is opinions on both sides.

Let me just say this. Exactly what you guys are saying, reverse it.

Eric DOES turn off his "I need to tell O what to do" instinct when O's MOTHER is there and it is her time.We dont step on her toes.

This has nothing to do with ME being the one to tell him to do anything. I really dont do much when they are both around. I dont just sit there silent, because I play a big role in O's life, and especially during our time, Eric and I parent as a team.

But for her to just assume that we dont own sunscreen, or that she needs to buy us sunscreen just in case she isnt there in time to put it on? Thats just rude. Thats her saying O's father does not know how to take care of him. He got a little pink ONE time after 2 full days in the sun, and all the sudden she feels the need to control our time with him.

Yet when he comes to us with his whole upper lip completely chapped and scabbed from licking, and tells us she doesnt put chap stick on him, her reasoning is, "its that time of year, its unavoidable"

that is Eric's choice to do that. I know for me, personally, I am a mom 100% of the time no matter who is around. I am mom and I will parent my kids. if Eric turns his on and off thats fine, but you don't have ot expect her to do the same.

so she's a little anal about the sun screen. maybe it's because he got sun burnt at the ater park with you, or maybe it's not. who cares, it's sun screen and won't hurt him, and if she wants to buy sunscreen and send it with, let her. it's not like she asked you to go 50/50 on it or anything.

Mom2DyJessAva October 22nd, 2012 01:46 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
i find buying the sunscreen a plus! less money you guys have to spend right? and i use baby sunscreen on us as we all break out on anything else LOL..

as for eric turning his parenting on/off...why not parent WITH her..they are both equal..and if he sees something he doesnt like he should step in..the same way he would if they were both together!

I no for me no matter what/where/or whos time if im around my child i will parent him/her no matter what..its not that i want to over step any "steps" but im doing what my role is being a mother

Ember Rose October 22nd, 2012 05:47 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
I'd send him back with a 3 pack of chapstick but I'm a *****.

And based on the history I doubt Eric could not turn it off and not have it be a huge honking major problem in her eyes. She gets mad when she can't interrupt a meal time to talk to him for crying out loud. And half the time it's not to say anything. It's like she's afraid of him not needing her. If that's not a sign of insecurity I dunno what is. That's understandable because having to look the fact you let your addiction rob your kid of a home and stability isn't easy. But see a shrink don't run around acting like a lunatic. Because she's starting to alienate O as it is and as he gets older it's only gonna get worse.

Keakie October 22nd, 2012 06:15 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
I understand what everyone is saying about parents being parents all the time and I don't disagree. :grouphug: I will say that the derogatory-sounding use of terms like "steps" or "father's girlfriend" when most of us know SM2B is engaged/otherwise shown to be in a highly committed relationship with the father in question (and as we should also all be aware, she is hardly the only poster who is committed without being legally married) is really unnecessary and unhelpful.

It's extremely frustrating for me to watch a group that is intended to be a source of support for people in all walks of blended family life make such disparaging comments about one another.

SM2B, FWIW, the sunscreen thing would bother me too although for me it would bother me because of the comments she made a little while back about his "awful" sunburn. Her continuous insistence on putting the sunscreen on herself reeks of, "Eric is obviously not competent enough of a parent to do this, so I'm going to noticeably do it in front of him to demonstrate my superior prowess as a parent." For me it wouldn't be about switching on or off parenthood, stepping on toes, etc.

Ember Rose October 22nd, 2012 06:18 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
Thank goodness for Keakie not having preggo brain so she can write my thoughts.

stucklikeglue October 22nd, 2012 09:00 PM

Re: I just really need to vent right now.
 
It would drive me crazy too. The sunscreen thing would bother me but I wouldn't make a deal about the brand as long as its not expired. I learner this summer that my son now breaks out in hives or something if I put ANY sunscreen on his face and can only use baby on the rest of him. We have been putting sunscreen on him for almost 5 years and this was a first!

Good for you guys holding your tongue :)


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