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Doodlebug06 October 27th, 2012 12:58 PM

Rude!
 
I'm about to let loose on dh.
His 9 year old daughter called me lazy TWICE after I asked SH to go get my baby's nose spray out of the car. Her first question was "why can't you do that yourself? You too lazy?"
To which I replied "hey that's not cool. Not funny either. Don't joke that way"
She then says "asking my dad to do it is being lazy"
I say "hey NOT cool. Do NOT joke. You're not allowed to call me lazy"
Then she says "WELL it IS lazy!"

All I could do not to jerk her up and whoop her butt! I took my baby and went upstairs so then dh comes up mad at ME for leaving? Such an idiot. Then when I tell him what happened he says "yeah it's all her fault I'm conceding" omg. Igmo!! I told him not to bring her this weekend which is NOT supposed to be our weekend anyway! And surprise he shows up with her yesterday. I'm not in the mood for sass!

Keakie October 27th, 2012 05:49 PM

Re: Rude!
 
Yeah, that would not fly here.

Ember Rose October 27th, 2012 06:31 PM

Re: Rude!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Keakie (Post 26703844)
Yeah, that would not fly here.

Neither would me telling my husband when his children could and could not enter our home.


I know you've said you've tried counseling with him before but I'd go by myself if I were you. Yall aren't on the same page at all and he doesn't seem remotely interested in discussion.

Doodlebug06 October 27th, 2012 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ember Rose

Neither would me telling my husband when his children could and could not enter our home.

I know you've said you've tried counseling with him before but I'd go by myself if I were you. Yall aren't on the same page at all and he doesn't seem remotely interested in discussion.

I didn't tell him she had to leave but he was supposed to arrange for her to be here every other weekend and all summer and all holidays. He asked for her this weekend without even mentioning it to me first. I've had kids for the past 4 weekends and had sd9 for over a week while they were moving back to our town. I'm in need of a break and this was my last opportunity for a kid free weekend before mine come back too.
I am bipolar and part of keeping me from going insane is having my quiet time to relax. The weekend is the only time dh is home and can help w jade all weekend.
I'm struggling with an ADHD child and with a 9 year old sd who is going on 15. I NEED my break. Period. Baby was sick all week and I'm running on almost no sleep. I can NOT handle having his daughter every weekend, all summer and all holidays too. It's not so much HER, it's HIM letting her behave the way she does. She wouldn't act this way if he parented her. So his failure to parent her is why she can't be here more. But either way I even want my two other kids gone every other weekend. It's simple as that. I NEED my break and time to adult things.

I already looked up info on a marriage counselor and I'll be making an appointment this week. With or without him. But plain and simple his daughter will not be in this house disrespecting me. If he chooses to not see her because he can't discipline her, that's his choice. But my choice is that I won't be disrespected continuously and have no recourse to take care of the issue.

I might have found a therapist in my town who works from her home. I'm hoping so. I'll check it Monday but she's in for a whopper when she sees us....
Our last family therapist wouldn't see us again because he wouldn't stop overtaking everyone and he gets into such a pissy frenzy when he talks, that he seems out of control. Let's see how long therapist # 2 lasts...

pmdc5286 October 27th, 2012 07:55 PM

Re: Rude!
 
I could never imagine telling my husband Robert could not come home without checking with me!

Robert is Autistic, ADHD, ODD, Bipolar, and Range Anger Syndrome. He is a hand-ful on some days. I have not had a kid free day since April I believe. Things happen. Robert was sick and home from school on Tues and Wed. I took care of him. I do not treat him any different than I treat Sean and Dani.

It is OUR home. Our family is always welcome there. Our family consists of Me, Jonah, Sean, Robert and Dani. No questions asked.

In addition, I also have health problems, and Jonah is bipolar, but we make adaptations and do what we need to do. We are a family and families stick together through thick and thin.

.Katie. October 27th, 2012 08:04 PM

Re: Rude!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodlebug06 (Post 26703958)
I didn't tell him she had to leave but he was supposed to arrange for her to be here every other weekend and all summer and all holidays. He asked for her this weekend without even mentioning it to me first. I've had kids for the past 4 weekends and had sd9 for over a week while they were moving back to our town. I'm in need of a break and this was my last opportunity for a kid free weekend before mine come back too.
I am bipolar and part of keeping me from going insane is having my quiet time to relax. The weekend is the only time dh is home and can help w jade all weekend.
I'm struggling with an ADHD child and with a 9 year old sd who is going on 15. I NEED my break. Period. Baby was sick all week and I'm running on almost no sleep. I can NOT handle having his daughter every weekend, all summer and all holidays too. It's not so much HER, it's HIM letting her behave the way she does. She wouldn't act this way if he parented her. So his failure to parent her is why she can't be here more. But either way I even want my two other kids gone every other weekend. It's simple as that. I NEED my break and time to adult things.

I already looked up info on a marriage counselor and I'll be making an appointment this week. With or without him. But plain and simple his daughter will not be in this house disrespecting me. If he chooses to not see her because he can't discipline her, that's his choice. But my choice is that I won't be disrespected continuously and have no recourse to take care of the issue.

I might have found a therapist in my town who works from her home. I'm hoping so. I'll check it Monday but she's in for a whopper when she sees us....
Our last family therapist wouldn't see us again because he wouldn't stop overtaking everyone and he gets into such a pissy frenzy when he talks, that he seems out of control. Let's see how long therapist # 2 lasts...

This is one of the worst posts I've seen in this group I think.

I am sorry it's one thing to feel overwhelmed, but quite another to refuse your daughters HOME to her because you can't get it together. You only have her on weekends! You already have FIVE days of your me time without her around!

WE ALL need breaks. We ALL have kids drive us crazy, but that doesn't mean we tell them gtfo of our homes or that they aren't welcome. You just don't do that.

Ember Rose October 27th, 2012 08:46 PM

Re: Rude!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodlebug06 (Post 26703958)
I didn't tell him she had to leave but he was supposed to arrange for her to be here every other weekend and all summer and all holidays. He asked for her this weekend without even mentioning it to me first. I've had kids for the past 4 weekends and had sd9 for over a week while they were moving back to our town. I'm in need of a break and this was my last opportunity for a kid free weekend before mine come back too.
I am bipolar and part of keeping me from going insane is having my quiet time to relax. The weekend is the only time dh is home and can help w jade all weekend.
I'm struggling with an ADHD child and with a 9 year old sd who is going on 15. I NEED my break. Period. Baby was sick all week and I'm running on almost no sleep. I can NOT handle having his daughter every weekend, all summer and all holidays too. It's not so much HER, it's HIM letting her behave the way she does. She wouldn't act this way if he parented her. So his failure to parent her is why she can't be here more. But either way I even want my two other kids gone every other weekend. It's simple as that. I NEED my break and time to adult things.

I already looked up info on a marriage counselor and I'll be making an appointment this week. With or without him. But plain and simple his daughter will not be in this house disrespecting me. If he chooses to not see her because he can't discipline her, that's his choice. But my choice is that I won't be disrespected continuously and have no recourse to take care of the issue.

I might have found a therapist in my town who works from her home. I'm hoping so. I'll check it Monday but she's in for a whopper when she sees us....
Our last family therapist wouldn't see us again because he wouldn't stop overtaking everyone and he gets into such a pissy frenzy when he talks, that he seems out of control. Let's see how long therapist # 2 lasts...

You didn't have to explain it to me. Regardless of whether or not it's a choice I would make it's one you've made and it's one HE COSIGNED. THAT'S the issue. If he wasn't ok with that (and it seems like he wasn't) then he should have talked to you instead of just bringing her to the house without mentioning anything to you.

He created a child with you that he doesn't seem to ever help with, he doesn't parent his children when they're in your home and he agrees with you to your face and then does what he wants to do. I'm not saying I agree with how you feel about your stepchildren at this point or some of your actions (we stepparent INCREDIBLY differently) BUT your style of stepparenting doesn't make the fact that he gives no ****s about your feelings and has completely checked out ok either. Counseling. Just for you. I wouldn't even attempt to go together at this point. Because you can't change people you can only change what you do. And I feel like if you don't start working on yourself you're going to have major regrets. Maybe he'll hop on board with you maybe he won't. Who knows? But especially since you're bipolar it's the best thing for you if you try to figure out how to have some peace in your home IN SPITE of your husband.

Keakie October 28th, 2012 06:50 AM

Re: Rude!
 
Oh, don't get me wrong - I see all of the things pointed out by you , Katie and Patty too. I hardly think they're positive and in the interest of creating a safe family home for EVERYONE. The OP's stepchildren are just as valid family members as her own children, and I see that forgotten on a regular basis. I just know that I butt heads with Doodlebug on a regular basis and she doesn't typically accept or even respond to 90% of what I say to her anyway, so I tried to keep it short.

I will say that one of my dsc in particular sometimes has a problem with rudeness, including with adults, and we've had to address comments about laziness made by said child to my mil on a couple of occasions.

In our case, it's a little easier to handle because a) I really think the child in question is just trying to be funny and doesn't really realize how rude it sounds and b) we have a (IMO) a healthier dynamic overall than the one described by the OP. That isn't to say we're perfect - we're not. That said, I don't think any family is (blended or otherwise). Our priorities are in the right place, though, and I think that helps.

My dh has dealt with heavy depression in the past. For a time, he thought he might be type II bipolar but in recent years that seems to fit him less and less. He doesn't fit the pattern and doesn't meet upwards of 80% of the criteria. His depression was very real, though, and he was still a parent during those times. Sometimes it meant we had to take extra steps during times we had the kids over (for example, I would sometimes handle everyone by myself for about an hour or so while would he would lie down in a quiet room or sometimes it meant guiding everyone to bed 30 minutes early). It isn't an issue currently, but it's happened. I can sympathize with mental illness and with being overwhelmed by normal life stresses. Truly, I can. Sometimes, though, you *will* be overwhelmed, and sometimes you *will* want to just relax and you won't be able to. That's part of the deal with kids. :shrugs: You have to find ways to make that work within your family (if that means putting a child in front of a movie while you get some quiet time, or if it means asking your partner to take care of things while you take a nap or run out for a coffee). If you do have bipolar, it isn't going to go away. Your responsibilities as a parent (and stepparent) aren't going to go away either, and since you have a tiny one you're in for this job for a long time still. Honestly, I think that what you've said in this post (and in others) that your issues lie with YOUR DH, not his children. I think there's a break in the communication somewhere between you two, and I think that you each feel disrespected by one another so you refuse to cooperate, compromise or help each other out because you're too busy resenting one another. Y'all should be on the same team, and I don't see anyone making an effort to create anything other than an adversarial dynamic between you two, at least when it comes to the kids. I hear A LOT of resentment when you talk about your dh, and that simply isn't a good situation for anyone.

I'll stop there because I think the other ladies have covered everything else well already.

My2miracles October 28th, 2012 10:24 AM

Re: Rude!
 
1st let me applaud you for taking your illness seriously and knowing what you need. My ex is bipolar & chose not to manage his illness. He lost everything & my dd lost her bio dad.

To the others that say they or their spouse is bipolar & still manages that's awesome. But I'm sure you're aware the bipolar disorder does not present itself in the same way in each person which is why it's so hard to diagnose & treat. So while you or your spouse can handle certain situations doesn't mean everyone who is bipolar can. So let's be respectful the the OP knows what SHE needs to keep her illness in check.

One of the biggest struggles DH & I used to have was his making plans with his ex, his dds & not including or even informing me. It always messed up my schedule. It isn't about his kids/his house - it's about being partners and respecting your partner. He can't live in a vacuum with his child while ignoring everyone else around him. It's not good for anyone including his child.

Keakie October 28th, 2012 10:45 AM

Re: Rude!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles (Post 26705189)
To the others that say they or their spouse is bipolar & still manages that's awesome. But I'm sure you're aware the bipolar disorder does not present itself in the same way in each person which is why it's so hard to diagnose & treat. So while you or your spouse can handle certain situations doesn't mean everyone who is bipolar can. So let's be respectful the the OP knows what SHE needs to keep her illness in check.

One of the biggest struggles DH & I used to have was his making plans with his ex, his dds & not including or even informing me. It always messed up my schedule. It isn't about his kids/his house - it's about being partners and respecting your partner. He can't live in a vacuum with his child while ignoring everyone else around him. It's not good for anyone including his child.

Right - and that's why I firmly believe that the problems in Doodlebug's situation stem from the marriage. If her dh knows that downtime is important for her and isn't doing anything to help her get it, that isn't her dsd's fault/she shouldn't be angry with her dsd - she should be addressing it with her dh. If he doesn't know, they need to have a long and honest talk about their needs and how they can help each other be the best parents and partners they can be. I agree that some notice that her dsd was going to be there for the weekend would have been nice - and again, that is a communication problem between her and her dh. :shrugs:

All of these issues - differing affection styles, differing discipline styles, lack of respect in the home, disagreements over the oldest son/stepson - come down to the fact that Doodlebug and her dh are not working together effectively. I can't say whose fault that is because I'm not there and don't see the dynamic first hand, but the side of the story that we do hear is totally indicative of a marriage/communication/mutual respect between partners problem. They don't have to agree on all things parenting (most couples don't) but the total lack of willingness to see it from one another's side (on both of their parts, by the sounds of it) is adversarial and doesn't set either of them up for anything besides a very long battle of wills. She doesn't seem to be open to hearing perspectives that are different from her own, and her dh sounds like he ignores her input.

Doodlebug06 October 28th, 2012 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles
1st let me applaud you for taking your illness seriously and knowing what you need. My ex is bipolar & chose not to manage his illness. He lost everything & my dd lost her bio dad.

To the others that say they or their spouse is bipolar & still manages that's awesome. But I'm sure you're aware the bipolar disorder does not present itself in the same way in each person which is why it's so hard to diagnose & treat. So while you or your spouse can handle certain situations doesn't mean everyone who is bipolar can. So let's be respectful the the OP knows what SHE needs to keep her illness in check.

One of the biggest struggles DH & I used to have was his making plans with his ex, his dds & not including or even informing me. It always messed up my schedule. It isn't about his kids/his house - it's about being partners and respecting your partner. He can't live in a vacuum with his child while ignoring everyone else around him. It's not good for anyone including his child.

THIS is exactly my point. Dh does NOT take care of this child when she's here. I feed her, make her take baths, and everything in between. Even her BM sent me the following text "thank YOU for taking care of my daughter".

In that case, YES dh should clear it w me before bringing her especially after we had a knock out argument the night before. We are on bad rocky grounds right now and I did not want her seeing this again after what happened 2 weeks ago where he called me a C**T in front of her. That's the reason she wasn't allowed here by here bm.
There's a lot I don't post here bc obviously it's embarrassing. And too long to type. I didn't want her witnessing another episode but I'm sure when sd9 saw her dads attitude towards me, her attitude mimicked it. She was NOT joking on the lazy comment and I gave her the benefit of that doubt THREE times by saying "if you're joking, it's still NOT ok" and 3 times she still kept pushing.

I had a breakdown when my 6 year old was a baby. And I definitely know when I need space and I told him. He knew this when we married and he said to let him know. I did. He ignored it.
I'm actually surprised something bigger didn't blow the roof. I manage my issues without medication so that I can breastfeed my baby and have a better closer bond. MY choice. Choosing not to be stuck with a disrespectful child every weekend is my choice too. If he parented her it might be different but are some of you suggesting I should just let him have her here and let her disrespect me all the time even as I'm about to go over the edge?!? (wouldn't that be irresponsible?)
As far as treating my and his kids different...my ds11 asked to stay home this weekend too and I'll quote you the text I sent him "sorry but it's not a good weekend. I'm not feeling well and I need you to be with dad this weekend".
No difference honey! I needed to get myself together.
And no I don't get a break 5 days a week. My husband works 12 to 14 hours a day. I have a very demanding 9 month old. (no complaints) but the weekend is THE only time he's home and not even the whole weekend. That's the only time I have for him to watch baby and allow me rest without kids running in and out and needing everything under the sun.
Twice a month I'm allowed the partial break. (and it's really not even a break since I'm usually also deep cleaning the house while I have help watching baby)

The REASON my exh has my other 2 half the time is bc I agreed to it. For my health, their health and all our well being and relationships.
I believe we all made the choice together and it was in the kids best interest.

I honestly think *I* made the adult choice by saying she shouldn't be here during times that we are having big problems anyway. And then add to it my emotional state. It was irresponsible of him to bring her into the house knowing it was a ticking time bomb here. And I feel like when he's mad at me, she sees that and sees him treat me like crap so as a child does, she joins in and feels it ok. Why not? He won't correct her anyway and she knows it. Her behavior is what he allows and it's not her fault. It's his. But I shouldn't be the victim and be her punching bag or his.

Let me add. Medication made my illness very much worse years ago. Resulted in over medicating and a suicide attempt. I managed by getting therapy and reducing stress and doing everything possible to keep myself at ease and not in a "frenzy".
This has worked for me and breastfeeding or not I wouldn't try medication again bc of the risks and side effects that come with.
No amount of meds will fix dh not parenting and no amount of meds will make me ok with sd9 being rude and inappropriate to me. =\

w292737 October 28th, 2012 11:37 AM

Re: Rude!
 
Reguardless of everything else. I think what she said and did was normal 9 year old behavior. was it okay to say , probably not. but was it something a normal 9 year old would say. yep sure was.

I think that if YOU are the one caring for her, you just explain that isn't nice to say, you aren't being lazy you are asking for help so you don' thave to put down the sick baby to go get the nose spray which is needed (though I have to ask, why is it in the car, not in the house?) and you move on. you don't really need to leave the room, that's something I'd more expect from the 9 year old to storm off mad.

Doodlebug06 October 28th, 2012 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by w292737
Reguardless of everything else. I think what she said and did was normal 9 year old behavior. was it okay to say , probably not. but was it something a normal 9 year old would say. yep sure was.

I think that if YOU are the one caring for her, you just explain that isn't nice to say, you aren't being lazy you are asking for help so you don' thave to put down the sick baby to go get the nose spray which is needed (though I have to ask, why is it in the car, not in the house?) and you move on. you don't really need to leave the room, that's something I'd more expect from the 9 year old to storm off mad.

Ok. Nose spray was in the car bc I just bought it the night before and forgot to bring in. And the bag had the doll in it I had gotten for sd.
I left the room to avoid losing my temper. After 3 times of telling her NO and her repeating it again I wasn't sure of my what my reaction would be after the 4th. With my 2 kids my reaction would be something they wouldn't like. But I'm not allowed to parent her the same way. And her dad won't parent her so I removed myself from the situation to avoid a worse scenario.

And there are times I get mommy brain and leave stuff in the car that I need in the house. Not odd I'm guessing? But honestly I was needing the spray and to give her the doll. All in all *I* am married to dh and if I need him to go walk outside for anything or do anything it's between me and him. Not a 9 years old placed to question it. (which happens VERY often when she inserts herself in our convo's and questions me and my actions. NEVER does shd question dh or his actions unless he's doing things for me)
"why does HE need to get you water?"
"why does HE have to watch the baby ?"
"why does HE have to take the trash out?"
Examples of things she has asked in the past even as I was laid up after having baby or some illness.
Always followed by "are you too lazy??"

Shes been warned before that this isn't ok.
Or that questioning me or other adults isn't ok.
She does NOT do this to her mom or step dad.
I suppose that's bc her mom doesn't allow it and darn sure doesn't allow her to speak to her step dad that way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodlebug06

Ok. Nose spray was in the car bc I just bought it the night before and forgot to bring in. And the bag had the doll in it I had gotten for sd.
I left the room to avoid losing my temper. After 3 times of telling her NO and her repeating it again I wasn't sure of my what my reaction would be after the 4th. With my 2 kids my reaction would be something they wouldn't like. But I'm not allowed to parent her the same way. And her dad won't parent her so I removed myself from the situation to avoid a worse scenario.

And there are times I get mommy brain and leave stuff in the car that I need in the house. Not odd I'm guessing? But honestly I was needing the spray and to give her the doll. All in all *I* am married to dh and if I need him to go walk outside for anything or do anything it's between me and him. Not a 9 years old placed to question it. (which happens VERY often when she inserts herself in our convo's and questions me and my actions. NEVER does shd question dh or his actions unless he's doing things for me)
"why does HE need to get you water?"
"why does HE have to watch the baby ?"
"why does HE have to take the trash out?"
Examples of things she has asked in the past even as I was laid up after having baby or some illness.
Always followed by "are you too lazy??"

Shes been warned before that this isn't ok.
Or that questioning me or other adults isn't ok.
She does NOT do this to her mom or step dad.
I suppose that's bc her mom doesn't allow it and darn sure doesn't allow her to speak to her step dad that way.

But yes. All normal behavior for a 9 year old. I've said that several times!!! It's the fact that she's not corrected by her parent or given consequences. (which I can't give her bc I'm not allowed)

pmdc5286 October 28th, 2012 12:17 PM

Re: Rude!
 
Why are you not allowed to parent and punish a child in your house?

Here we co-parent even though we are not both bio-parents of all three kids. I can punish Robert just as well as Jonah can as well as tell him what he can and can't do.

Jonah has the same rights as well.

We are a parenting team. I fully believe that if a child knows that you can't do anything when they are misbehaving, they will run all over you. Your DSD will not respect you until you have some type of authority over her and she realizes that.

My point about authority is one night Robert got very mad at me over something. He sat down in the middle of the kitchen floor, crossed his arms, looked up at me and said, "I'm not taking a shower!" I put on my mom voice, looked at him and said "Sean is bigger than you, he will pick you up and put you in the shower and bathe you!" He got his tail up off the floor and ran to the bathroom and took a shower.

You have to let her know you mean business and will not put up with her nonsense.

Doodlebug06 October 28th, 2012 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pmdc5286
Why are you not allowed to parent and punish a child in your house?

Here we co-parent even though we are not both bio-parents of all three kids. I can punish Robert just as well as Jonah can as well as tell him what he can and can't do.

Jonah has the same rights as well.

We are a parenting team. I fully believe that if a child knows that you can't do anything when they are misbehaving, they will run all over you. Your DSD will not respect you until you have some type of authority over her and she realizes that.

My point about authority is one night Robert got very mad at me over something. He sat down in the middle of the kitchen floor, crossed his arms, looked up at me and said, "I'm not taking a shower!" I put on my mom voice, looked at him and said "Sean is bigger than you, he will pick you up and put you in the shower and bathe you!" He got his tail up off the floor and ran to the bathroom and took a shower.

You have to let her know you mean business and will not put up with her nonsense.

Your guess is as good as mine.
I rarely spank my bio's but if they get absolutely out of control I will. Other than that I send them to their room without tv or electronics etc or take certain favorites away for a period of time.

Theirs not much we can use as punishment with sd. He won't spank her. Ever and won't allow anyone else to. (except her mom DOES spank her he just doesn't acknowledge).
If we take away things she just sits there doing nothing and then he feels like she's been mistreated and gives it back. Etc etc etc. there's no punishment here for her. There have been times *I* have called her mom over to handle issues during the summer. But her mom visits my house frequently anyway so that's not as bizarre as it sounds. I'm sure it sounds odd.
Her mom doesn't play. Sd9 doesn't get out of line with her mom and her mom even scares me. Lol. My kids don't even get out of line with sd9's mom.

Any way. Apparently dh let sd stay at her cousins house last night so he picked her up an hour ago. Before he left I told him I didn't appreciate what happened and if she was coming back here today I'd leave with jade until sd9 was gone unless he handled the situation appropriately.
He came home with her and had obviously had a talk with her bc she was upset and apologized. She has been on good behavior since getting back here. It never lasts long but I'm hopeful I can get into counseling this week. I do have certain issues I need to work on and I realize that. I just can't live in chaos like this forever and I need to figure out if there's any possibility of anything changing with him or if I need to just cut my losses and move on.

Ember Rose October 28th, 2012 02:04 PM

Re: Rude!
 
Like I said telling my husband his kids couldn't come over on a weekend wouldn't work for my husband. But he'd never tell me that it would work for him. If he can't accommodate what you need to be ok, he shouldn't be telling you that he can and he for **** sure shouldn't be going behind your back and doing the exact opposite. It's not what you're asking for that's the issue but his response. Wires are getting crossed somewhere. I hope you figure something out that works for everyone.

My2miracles October 28th, 2012 03:42 PM

Re: Rude!
 
I'm glad he spoke to her & she apologized. Being a stepparent isn't an easy situation either especially if you aren't on the same page.

I wouldn't allow my 9 year old to call me lazy. I don't think it's normal behavior.

Doodlebug06 October 28th, 2012 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles
I'm glad he spoke to her & she apologized. Being a stepparent isn't an easy situation either especially if you aren't on the same page.

I wouldn't allow my 9 year old to call me lazy. I don't think it's normal behavior.

I just get so frustrated with her. She seems to put herself in a position of "adult" instead of child and she's very possessive of her dad and his time even with my infant. It bothers sd9 if dh has to do something for the baby and doesn't do that particular thing for her. She seems to regress to baby or toddler behavior. Kwim? Thinks my 6 year old daughter doesn't even do.

My ds11 has said the lazy thing before as a joke too but he smiles and laughs so I know he's joking and he's STILL gotten in trouble. I tell him the same deal of "that's not ok to joke about". He just doesn't continue to do it 3 times after he's sternly been warned. =\

My dd6 is very hard to handle also and I realize he "deals" with a lot having them here 50% of the time. However...he's at work every day until about 2 hours before bedtime and rarely sees them on my weekend since he works and my daughter goes to my moms all weekend and doesn't come home until 3 pm on sunday. And I never ask him to "tend" to my 2 either. I take 100% responsibly for caring for them. So it's not like apples to apples across the line.

Dd6 is getting a lot of tests for learning disability and the ADHD testing. We are now waiting on the results and getting her IEP situated at school. So anyway she's very difficult to handle right now.

Lastly...sd9 and I get along great when dh is not around. That's the biggest frustration I have. I do tons of stuff with her and she's very well behaved 99% of the time when I have her without him. *HE* is definitely the issue. Not her. I just can't fix him.

Keakie October 28th, 2012 06:06 PM

Re: Rude!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodlebug06 (Post 26705269)
THIS is exactly my point. Dh does NOT take care of this child when she's here. I feed her, make her take baths, and everything in between. Even her BM sent me the following text "thank YOU for taking care of my daughter".

In that case, YES dh should clear it w me before bringing her especially after we had a knock out argument the night before. We are on bad rocky grounds right now and I did not want her seeing this again after what happened 2 weeks ago where he called me a C**T in front of her. That's the reason she wasn't allowed here by here bm.
There's a lot I don't post here bc obviously it's embarrassing. And too long to type. I didn't want her witnessing another episode but I'm sure when sd9 saw her dads attitude towards me, her attitude mimicked it. She was NOT joking on the lazy comment and I gave her the benefit of that doubt THREE times by saying "if you're joking, it's still NOT ok" and 3 times she still kept pushing.

I had a breakdown when my 6 year old was a baby. And I definitely know when I need space and I told him. He knew this when we married and he said to let him know. I did. He ignored it.
I'm actually surprised something bigger didn't blow the roof. I manage my issues without medication so that I can breastfeed my baby and have a better closer bond. MY choice. Choosing not to be stuck with a disrespectful child every weekend is my choice too. If he parented her it might be different but are some of you suggesting I should just let him have her here and let her disrespect me all the time even as I'm about to go over the edge?!? (wouldn't that be irresponsible?)

Time out to say in response to the last italicized portion: That's not what ANYONE said. "That was rude. You may not speak to me that way." would be my response. If it persisted, I would probably leave the room too. It wouldn't be storming off, but I'm a big believer in natural consequences as a teaching tool. The natural consequence for being rude to people is that people don't want to be around you. :shrugs:

Quote:

I honestly think *I* made the adult choice by saying she shouldn't be here during times that we are having big problems anyway. And then add to it my emotional state. It was irresponsible of him to bring her into the house knowing it was a ticking time bomb here. And I feel like when he's mad at me, she sees that and sees him treat me like crap so as a child does, she joins in and feels it ok. Why not? He won't correct her anyway and she knows it. Her behavior is what he allows and it's not her fault. It's his. But I shouldn't be the victim and be her punching bag or his.
I'm going to try my best to explain this - she is not treating you badly because she wants to hurt you. She's a child who is watching one adult in her life abuse (yes, I would consider calling a loved one a "c**t" abusive) another, and she's acting out. She's not using you as a punching bag. She's hurting and angry and confused. That doesn't make it okay and it doesn't mean it should not be addressed, but your dh is an adult and he should know how to treat people. It's really not fair to hold a 9 yo child to the same standard.

Quote:

Let me add. Medication made my illness very much worse years ago. Resulted in over medicating and a suicide attempt. I managed by getting therapy and reducing stress and doing everything possible to keep myself at ease and not in a "frenzy".
This has worked for me and breastfeeding or not I wouldn't try medication again bc of the risks and side effects that come with.
No amount of meds will fix dh not parenting and no amount of meds will make me ok with sd9 being rude and inappropriate to me. =\
Medication isn't supposed to be a fix-all. It's supposed to be supplementary. I'm not your doctor and I can't give you medical advice, but my oldest dss is diagnosed with multiple mood disorders and went through more than a dozen medication changes before he found one that made any significant different.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodlebug06 (Post 26705360)
I left the room to avoid losing my temper. After 3 times of telling her NO and her repeating it again I wasn't sure of my what my reaction would be after the 4th. With my 2 kids my reaction would be something they wouldn't like. But I'm not allowed to parent her the same way. And her dad won't parent her so I removed myself from the situation to avoid a worse scenario.

And there are times I get mommy brain and leave stuff in the car that I need in the house. Not odd I'm guessing? But honestly I was needing the spray and to give her the doll. All in all *I* am married to dh and if I need him to go walk outside for anything or do anything it's between me and him. Not a 9 years old placed to question it. (which happens VERY often when she inserts herself in our convo's and questions me and my actions. NEVER does shd question dh or his actions unless he's doing things for me)
"why does HE need to get you water?"
"why does HE have to watch the baby ?"
"why does HE have to take the trash out?"
Examples of things she has asked in the past even as I was laid up after having baby or some illness.
Always followed by "are you too lazy??"

I don't disagree that your leaving the room was the best choice given the circumstances. I have an 11 yo dsd who thinks she's about 10 years older than she really is too. It can be greatly irritating for everyone around her. She debates nearly EVERYTHING. That said, our response is always the same: "I/we am/are the adults, and I/we have this under control." Sometimes, if applicable, it's, "You are being rude. You need to stop, and go find something else to do." It isn't always a quick fix, and sometimes, "Stop." needs to be repeated several times. Sometimes the adult chooses to walk away from her and cool off before addressing it further. Either way, though, it's a boundary that can be drawn without spanking (which, frankly, I think is a little odd for a 9 yo in the first place) or major

It helps to remember that her desire to be more grown up is sometimes a positive thing. I never have to worry about the girls' bedroom being tidy, and she actually *wants* to help us cook dinner. :giggle:

I think it comes down to personality type a lot more than it does age, FWIW. The dsd that I mentioned has had an, um... big? personality since she was an infant (and sometimes her personality is a really great thing :)). The dss who is about to turn 9 is a big feeler, but he's generally sweet-natured and is often easygoing. My 6 yo dsd is mature and eloquent for her age, but she is really go-with-the-flow (most of the time - occasionally she BLOWS up and everything that has ever bothered her in the last year will come out, but when that happens she tends to just need to let it out, be hugged and then she moves on).

Forgive me for being blunt, but why are you still married to this guy? I'm not saying you should go file for divorce tomorrow, but I think a separation might be in everyone's best interests here. This situation sounds pretty out of control and with so many young children in the home I'm not sure that it's in anyone's benefit to continue as is. You seem to realize that the problem here is him, not his children. You seem to realize that his parenting 'style' is not going to change when it's your own daughter.

.Katie. October 28th, 2012 07:08 PM

Re: Rude!
 
I have to advocate for the child. I feel like there is a lot more to this situation than what's being shared.

If I were just going off of the way that you react and explain yourself in your posts, it would lead me to believe that you tend to be a pretty volatile and controlling in person. I don't understand how everyone can jump on the DH hate train. I would venture to guess that she just might not be the easiest person to communicate with. This couple has major issues, but a good part of the reason they aren't getting resolved could very well be that they both aren't taking responsibility for their share of blame in this.

I've said it since I joined this board a couple years ago. Marriage takes love and respect. It won't function without both parts. I am not hearing much of those from either of you.

No matter how much you want to villanize the step daughter, the real underlying problems have little to do with her. She is being a kid and testing boundaries like all kids do. Somehow you have made her the scapegoat/fall guy for the toxic environment you and your DH have created. That environment is NOT her fault. She shouldn't be punished for it. The sooner you get that settled in your mind, the sooner you can work on REAL solutions to yours and DH's REAL problems.


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