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-   -   Oh just Grow some balls man! (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/2603557-oh-just-grow-some-balls-man.html)

plan4fate December 8th, 2012 03:03 PM

Oh just Grow some balls man!
 
I love DH, but sometimes he annoys me.

His custody agreement states that while he is unemployed, he will have physical custody of Reme 50% of the time. I understand why L isn't allowing it while Reme's in school during the week, but what I don't get is why during the Summer, or school breaks, we don't have him more. DH doesn't work during the summer, he doesn't work during Christmas etc.

Well I mentioned to DH that because we don't get to see Reme as much as the court says he should, he should ask for Reme from Christmas Day to New Years Eve to make up for a small fraction of this time that he's lost due to school. He gets all excited since he's going back to work in the new year.

And then when he asks L... he tip toes around it. Grrr... Instead of saying "look, I don't see Reme much, I'm going to be gone again for work soon, I want to keep him from Christmas day, until New Years Eve (we'd have him that Friday, Sat and Sunday anyway, so it's really only 2 extra days. I didn't hear what she said (they were on the phone) but he just said "no big deal, we can talk about it another time."

*sigh* we aren't going to hold her in contempt because she doesn't let DH have him 50% of the time. Mostly because it's not healthy for Reme while he's in school. But to compensate DH doesn't get any extra time. No extra weekends, no extra school breaks etc.

I get that she's his mom, I really do. And I get that she's had her hours cut at work so she's lonely when Reme's not around and M's working. But he's DH's kid too, and I feel like DH is missing out, especially since he can't even have a normal court order of every other weekend and x number of days during summer because he's 500 miles away half the year (or more as it looks next year). That time is so precious to DH, but he just will not grow some balls to get the extra time. He says he's afraid if he pisses her off she'll take him to court and he'll get less time... but wouldn't she be in trouble because she essentially denies him what he's supposed to have anyway?


*sigh* call me selfish, but I'd just like some family time with my hubby and my step son where we aren't trying to cram two weeks of stuff into two days.

stucklikeglue December 8th, 2012 08:33 PM

Re: Oh just Grow some balls man!
 
First I want to say your subject reminded me of this “Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” -Betty White (LOL)

I dont understand why men (and possibly women) do that. My dp does it with his ex, well used to but now he is just so tired of dealing with her bull that he is now standing up for himself. Have you said anything to him about it? Told him he needs to stand up for what he deserves and that he is suppose to get him. He has all rights and there is nothing she can do because technically its in the court orders?

plan4fate December 8th, 2012 10:49 PM

Re: Oh just Grow some balls man!
 
I brought it up and he called. She said it was fine.

And yeah, he's entitled to 50% of the time while DH himself is not working.. since he gets 0% while he is working (since he's 500 or more miles away). His job is supposed to start end of Jan beginning of Feb, and he probably won't get home until June, and he's hoping to find another job right away and work until December to try and get us on our feet properly. Both Reme and I might go most of 2013 with out seeing DH :(. I plan on making trips at least once a month, but I doubt I'll get to take Reme because I won't just be going Friday to Sunday.

My2miracles December 9th, 2012 08:28 AM

Re: Oh just Grow some balls man!
 
My dh is the same way. It drives me crazy. It's like he has to ask her permissin to follow the court order. :rolleyes: I have been coaching him over the years & it's getting a little better but not much. He always asks instead of saying.

I did have a small win over Thanksgiving. We wanted to do the exchange on Tues - at 1st bm said ok but it would be late (she works evenings). Then she came back & said no Wednesday night. Well Wednesday night didn't work for dh as he had to get up at 3:15am on Thurs for work. Plus the kids would lose a whole day with dsd that they were counting on. He was going to take it but I said no & to push back. He did. He compromised & drove farther than usual but we still had dsd when it was best for us.

Glad your dh took your coaching & that L agreed. Hopefully it will come more naturally next time.

plan4fate December 9th, 2012 02:17 PM

Re: Oh just Grow some balls man!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by My2miracles (Post 26854252)
My dh is the same way. It drives me crazy. It's like he has to ask her permissin to follow the court order. :rolleyes: I have been coaching him over the years & it's getting a little better but not much. He always asks instead of saying.

I did have a small win over Thanksgiving. We wanted to do the exchange on Tues - at 1st bm said ok but it would be late (she works evenings). Then she came back & said no Wednesday night. Well Wednesday night didn't work for dh as he had to get up at 3:15am on Thurs for work. Plus the kids would lose a whole day with dsd that they were counting on. He was going to take it but I said no & to push back. He did. He compromised & drove farther than usual but we still had dsd when it was best for us.

Glad your dh took your coaching & that L agreed. Hopefully it will come more naturally next time.

I really hope so too. Though, every time I suggest we push for more time, I think of Katie's situation. We don't want it to boil down to L only having him for school, and we get him for all the fun stuff!

He's already talking about spring break. He'd like to have Reme for it, even though he's working. We did a spring break thing last year too, but L drove him to Ohio (on our dime) to make it easier. This time I'd just make the drive to and from myself with the munchkin. But it's a lot of planning (including me needing a week off), and driving (10hrs each way), and stress (hello in-laws)... but if L says yes I think it'll work out.

We are supposed to have him for 3.5 weeks this summer (straight time), but we don't know if we're going to Canada or not, or if DH will even be home this summer. He's going to try for a job on a new power plant in Kentucky, which means more support for L, but less time with Dad for Reme. (and less time with DH for me :( )

Rachel December 9th, 2012 04:31 PM

Re: Oh just Grow some balls man!
 
Neely was the same way for a while too. He figured if he didn't rock the boat she wouldn't be crazy. Yeah, that worked out so well for him, right?

I'm glad he called.

My2miracles December 10th, 2012 09:33 AM

Re: Oh just Grow some balls man!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rachel (Post 26855258)
Neely was the same way for a while too. He figured if he didn't rock the boat she wouldn't be crazy. Yeah, that worked out so well for him, right?

I'm glad he called.

That's exactly why dh did it too. Unfortunately it didn't work well for him either :(. While our situation is definitely better than yours, he barely has a relationship with his oldest.

.Katie. December 10th, 2012 09:43 AM

Re: Oh just Grow some balls man!
 
I think it's perfectly reasonable to split summer and Christmas breaks 50%. I even think it's reasonable for an 80/20 split for summer.

It's all about balance. I'm glad she's agreed to give you guys the extra two days.

plan4fate December 10th, 2012 12:59 PM

Re: Oh just Grow some balls man!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by .Katie. (Post 26857187)
I think it's perfectly reasonable to split summer and Christmas breaks 50%. I even think it's reasonable for an 80/20 split for summer.

It's all about balance. I'm glad she's agreed to give you guys the extra two days.

I don't think either one of them realized it's just two days, that's the worst part. It seemed like it was a huge negotiation or something. *head desk*

I'm well aware I'm the brains of the operation (that's been said from both sides), I just wish I could do the asking myself. DH says I can do the asking when I learn to "text stupid" instead of proper typing from his cell phone. L can always tell who she's talking to.


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