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Stepmom2Be February 10th, 2013 08:05 PM

Not sure how to feel about this...
 
So O's mom lives in a 2 story apartment complex. It's all indoors, and the door is code accessed. We don't have a code and she claims there is no "visitor code" that she is aware of.

The last 2 times we have picked him up, the door has been locked. Usually someone is going in or out so we are able to just ring her doorbell, but the last 2 times we weren't able to. We also like to go to the door because it gives us a chance to see where he is living. The last time we were there it was filthy. Plates and food everywhere. Etc etc. (This is an ongoing concern due to CPS's concerns when she was removed from her apartment last year.)

Anywho, we were able to go right to the door tonight. We pick up O, say hi to her, and are on our way.

As we walk away, we notice the apartment across the hall, you can see into their apartment through the door. It had very clearly been kicked in somehow. We say, "Jeez O, do you know what happened?"

He then proceeds to tell us that not this past week, but the last week he was with her, they heard yelling. A man was trying to get into that apartment. He heard babies crying or kids crying and an adult woman crying. O's mom called the cops, and they showed up after the man had entered the apartment and the woman and kids had left. The man refused to let the police inside, so they had to use a big tool to smash the door in. They arrested the man and took him away.

O watched all of this happen through his peephole.

Why oh why can he not have a safe home with her?!

CJRPete February 10th, 2013 08:16 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
There is kind of no reason to be fretting about this, though I know you will because you care for O, but there is nothing to be done about it. She is a recovering alcoholic and it is the best she can afford, most likely.

Also, you say you do not put O in the middle, but this should not have been a question for O, period. You put him smack in the middle by questioning him about it. Ask BM. Ask the police. But do not put O in that spot..... my ex does not allow me to see where he takes my son for visits. His home when last I saw it was all ripped up since he bought it in foreclosure and it was a mess. R cannot yet tell me what goes on but I would never put him in the middle asking like that. It tears a kid's loyalties and their hearts, because especially in O's case they know the turmoil but love both of their parents.

Stepmom2Be February 10th, 2013 08:43 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by CJRPete (Post 27078514)
There is kind of no reason to be fretting about this, though I know you will because you care for O, but there is nothing to be done about it. She is a recovering alcoholic and it is the best she can afford, most likely.

Also, you say you do not put O in the middle, but this should not have been a question for O, period. You put him smack in the middle by questioning him about it. Ask BM. Ask the police. But do not put O in that spot..... my ex does not allow me to see where he takes my son for visits. His home when last I saw it was all ripped up since he bought it in foreclosure and it was a mess. R cannot yet tell me what goes on but I would never put him in the middle asking like that. It tears a kid's loyalties and their hearts, because especially in O's case they know the turmoil but love both of their parents.

We don't directly ask him about things about his mom. We walked past a smashed in door and I looked at Eric and said jeez. And O said, "Oh yeah that door is broken." And we asked why.

We made a decision that Eric is going out of town tomorrow for work, so we are going to allow O to spend the night with her tomorrow night. He will only be gone like 2 days, so Tuesday night I will pick O back up and he will see Eric the next day. BM was very grateful for this. When we told O our plan, his exact response was, "What?! Why can't I stay here and spend time time Jennifer?"

We talked to him about how we all love him very much and everybody just wants to spend as much time with him as possible. I told him that we have the whole rest of the week to spend together, and that it does mean I don't want to spend time with him, but since Eric will be out of town, I decided we could share that time with his mom.

CJRPete February 10th, 2013 08:50 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be (Post 27078471)
.As we walk away, we notice the apartment across the hall, you can see into their apartment through the door. It had very clearly been kicked in somehow. We say, "Jeez O, do you know what happened?"

Which is it? Did you directly ask or not? Regardless I don't think unless O brought it up himself voluntarily, unbidden.... unless you really felt there was imminent danger.
It sounds like you are on better terms with BM, why did you not just ask her? Sounds like she did the right thing to keep O safe all things considered.

Stepmom2Be February 10th, 2013 09:06 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by CJRPete (Post 27078607)
Which is it? Did you directly ask or not? Regardless I don't think unless O brought it up himself voluntarily, unbidden.... unless you really felt there was imminent danger.
It sounds like you are on better terms with BM, why did you not just ask her? Sounds like she did the right thing to keep O safe all things considered.

I hardly think allowing your child to watch a domestic violence through a peephole is a responsible thing to do.

You weren't here, but it also was not responsible to have your child sleep in your bed holding a baseball bat because there was a woman beater in the house.

I don't remember exactly what was said. I noticed the door. Eric noticed the door. Owen knew what happened and told us. We were not asking about his mother. We were asking if he knew what happened to a door that is located across the hallway from him.

We didnt say anything about his mom allowing him to watch. We didnt say anything about her living there.

Putting him in the middle is when she tells him that we want to keep him away from her. putting him in the middle is asking what the other parent does or says.

Not asking what happened to a door.

CJRPete February 10th, 2013 09:32 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
She called the police, I don't know how much more there is to do other than that.
She is recovering, trying to do better, clearly your husband believes she is or else he would not be expanding on her unsupervised time.

I'm coming off combative. For that I am sorry. But, I'm just kind of offended by the tone of this. If my son's stepmom, fiance to his dad, whoever was like this with me I would not be cooperative either. But then again I would not have put my son in a bad place the way it seems O has been. So, I don't know.

w292737 February 11th, 2013 04:02 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
let CPS do their job with monitoring her and the living situation.

Stepmom2Be February 11th, 2013 04:19 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by CJRPete (Post 27078698)
She called the police, I don't know how much more there is to do other than that.
She is recovering, trying to do better, clearly your husband believes she is or else he would not be expanding on her unsupervised time.

I'm coming off combative. For that I am sorry. But, I'm just kind of offended by the tone of this. If my son's stepmom, fiance to his dad, whoever was like this with me I would not be cooperative either. But then again I would not have put my son in a bad place the way it seems O has been. So, I don't know.

No I get it. I am not a bio parent so a lot of times I admit I come off the same way. I believe that a mother should do right by her child though. And some of the things she has been doing lately have left a bad taste in my mouth. Right down to the stupid fact that every time we go to pick him up her place is filthy and they cant find any of his soccer stuff and it's never washed. Call me OCD, but I always have his soccer gear in the bag, washed and folded. I like to make things easier. I like to make transitions easier.

I get she is his mom. And I get that it is the best she can do. And maybe she feels bad having to live there. But she didnt HAVE to live there. She is paying $750 a month to live there when there are 2 bedroom apartments in nicer areas for less. But she NEEDED to have 3 bedrooms. So she chose the ghetto.

She may be doing her best, but it just floored me that something like that happened and we heard nothing of it.

Yet if it was us that something like that happened with, she would have immediately called CPS. She thinks the rules bend just because she's mom.

Quote:

Originally Posted by w292737 (Post 27081969)
let CPS do their job with monitoring her and the living situation.

CPS closed the case. It took them a YEAR to even check on her and by then we had settled out of court and gone to week on week off. CPS is a joke. In our case, at least.

pmdc5286 February 11th, 2013 06:32 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
CJRPete,

I don't see how you can just not care what your child does in the presence of the other parent. The last weekend my daughter was with her dad, she called my dad CRYING for him to come get her because she was scared of her dad because he was in a drunken furor. I was out of town, so he was her safe person to call. That made what he was doing my business. There are some things specified in our divorce papers that he is not to do around our child and drinking is one of them, smoking is another due to problems with her lungs. He was doing both. That makes his actions my business because he put my daughter in jeopardy and scared her and endangered her by smoking around her, drinking, driving intoxicated, and scaring her because he was drunk and throwing things.

Those who have been here a while know that for me to feel more comfortable with Dani with my dad than with her dad know something is very wrong.

Stepmom2Be February 11th, 2013 06:45 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Exactly.

The same would be said if Eric and/or I were putting O in danger.

And it's not even like we are now on some mission to get him out of there. Do we like that thats where she chose to live? No. Do we like that 2 months in there is already a domestic violence police scene right across the hall? OF COURSE NOT.

Are we allowed to care that our (And I say our because it's easier and how I view him. I know he is hers to,) child is exposed to things we would prefer he not be exposed to while he is with her. Absolutely.

Unfortunately, because she cleaned her act up, we cannot control where she lives or what she does. She has the exact same amount of rights to that child as Eric does. It just worries us that that is where she chooses to have him live.

Something odd happened today. We were discussing via text when I would come pick him up. I told her Eric will be back in town Wed morning so I will pick him up tomorrow at 6:30. She said, "That works. Unless he desperately wants to stay with me, which i don't forsee happening." It's odd to me that she would put herself down so shortly after saying he belongs with her and only her. Is that her way of admitting to us that he loves his time with me and his dad? Who knows. But it was nice that she acknowledged it.

CJRPete February 11th, 2013 09:31 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
It's not that I don't care. Just more like there is nothing I can do about it. My son is 17 mo old. He can't call me if he is frightened. And I JUST finished a huge court battle with his dad. $35, 000 in legal fees huge!!! We did the whole evaluation thing and the courts ruled. There is nothing more i can do unless proof of abuse surfaces. Thank God for my family or who knows how things would have been. I don't appreciate your insinuation. Fact is I will literally lose my sanity if I sit there and think of all the dangerous bad things I know could be happening. It sounds like the poster is in a similar situation of being out of control of where O is and what happens when he is not with her. CPS was involved and has now closed the case. What more can she do except, apparently, ask O rather than BM what happens in BM's apartment building, which didn't really help a thing. BM did not put O in danger intentionally and knowingly. When the incident happened BM called police (the safest way to handle it). I'm not saying she is mom of the year but how long will SM2B tag her with her anger and covetousness of her role? I KNOW how much it SUCKS to be a mom to those kids and want so badly to be "real mom" too (so to speak, many step parents are more parents than bio ones) but feeling that bitterness just eats you up and ends up hurting ths kids when it comes out and things are adversarial.
My ex's daughter had a mom like O's BM. And it really hurt her when we'd ask her things like what the poster asked O. She would say I love my mom, I don't want to get her in trouble. Or I can't tell youbecause then you and Mommy will be upset.

Ember Rose February 11th, 2013 10:14 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by CJRPete (Post 27078607)
Which is it? Did you directly ask or not? Regardless I don't think unless O brought it up himself voluntarily, unbidden.... unless you really felt there was imminent danger.
It sounds like you are on better terms with BM, why did you not just ask her? Sounds like she did the right thing to keep O safe all things considered.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CJRPete (Post 27078698)
She called the police, I don't know how much more there is to do other than that.
She is recovering, trying to do better, clearly your husband believes she is or else he would not be expanding on her unsupervised time.

I'm coming off combative. For that I am sorry. But, I'm just kind of offended by the tone of this. If my son's stepmom, fiance to his dad, whoever was like this with me I would not be cooperative either. But then again I would not have put my son in a bad place the way it seems O has been. So, I don't know.

So you're new here. And you're combative. And you know what someone whose story you aren't fully briefed on should do. But you want to remove rights from someone who is using them even though the child has more than one male role model over child support (which isn't tied into visitation and custody) and actions that you apparently don't have any proof of because you haven't called the police or CPS that you've shared with us? And are quite closed to any thoughts to the contrary to the point of just up and changing the subject.

Quote:

Originally Posted by w292737 (Post 27081969)
let CPS do their job with monitoring her and the living situation.

This.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pmdc5286 (Post 27082533)
CJRPete,

I don't see how you can just not care what your child does in the presence of the other parent. The last weekend my daughter was with her dad, she called my dad CRYING for him to come get her because she was scared of her dad because he was in a drunken furor. I was out of town, so he was her safe person to call. That made what he was doing my business. There are some things specified in our divorce papers that he is not to do around our child and drinking is one of them, smoking is another due to problems with her lungs. He was doing both. That makes his actions my business because he put my daughter in jeopardy and scared her and endangered her by smoking around her, drinking, driving intoxicated, and scaring her because he was drunk and throwing things.

Those who have been here a while know that for me to feel more comfortable with Dani with my dad than with her dad know something is very wrong.

That still pisses me off. I hope Dani grows up to kick him in the junk.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be (Post 27082577)
Exactly.

The same would be said if Eric and/or I were putting O in danger.

And it's not even like we are now on some mission to get him out of there. Do we like that thats where she chose to live? No. Do we like that 2 months in there is already a domestic violence police scene right across the hall? OF COURSE NOT.

Are we allowed to care that our (And I say our because it's easier and how I view him. I know he is hers to,) child is exposed to things we would prefer he not be exposed to while he is with her. Absolutely.

Unfortunately, because she cleaned her act up, we cannot control where she lives or what she does. She has the exact same amount of rights to that child as Eric does. It just worries us that that is where she chooses to have him live.

Something odd happened today. We were discussing via text when I would come pick him up. I told her Eric will be back in town Wed morning so I will pick him up tomorrow at 6:30. She said, "That works. Unless he desperately wants to stay with me, which i don't forsee happening." It's odd to me that she would put herself down so shortly after saying he belongs with her and only her. Is that her way of admitting to us that he loves his time with me and his dad? Who knows. But it was nice that she acknowledged it.

Why are you still talking to her and dealing with her after everything that's gone on? And how long are we supposed to have sympathy for you continuing to put yourself in the same situation? CPS might not have done anything before but even if the cases have been closed having multiple cases or instances reported with her history of substance abuse would help you down the road with custody if you chose to take her to court to get sole custody.

CJRPete February 11th, 2013 10:35 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Ember. Posted a longer reply that addresses your issue. Apparently has not been approved yet so I will wait.
Opinions were requested. I gave mine. I don't know what you are referring to by abrupt change of subject.

Ember Rose February 11th, 2013 10:41 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
I'm talking about your thread. Look what you said in that thread made NO sense. But you were pretty stuck to your guns so I personally assumed there was more to it than the info you shared. (Which didn't put you in the most reasonable light by the way.) Do yourself a favor and grant the members here the same until you get to know the board better.

CJRPete February 11th, 2013 10:47 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
I've read a lot of this person's backstory. She has gotten flak since the get go for her attitude toward BM and being stepmom. Which granted are not easy things to adjust to.
In my longer post that must still be languishing I explain the more.... in a nutshell a magistrate told me just because my ex hurt me as he did, didn't mean he would hurt our kid. His violence and marijuana production are in our order.

Oh and on my other thread I didn't know what else to say. Someone posted about CS and I replied to that. I am mulling over adoption. I understand all sides ans bio dad has rights. But it is also not right that husband does everything for my son while bio dad gets to be photo op dad who pays for none of th things he has come to assume we will just do for my boy.

Ember Rose February 11th, 2013 11:31 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by CJRPete (Post 27083345)
I've read a lot of this person's backstory. She has gotten flak since the get go for her attitude toward BM and being stepmom. Which granted are not easy things to adjust to.
In my longer post that must still be languishing I explain the more.... in a nutshell a magistrate told me just because my ex hurt me as he did, didn't mean he would hurt our kid. His violence and marijuana production are in our order.

Oh and on my other thread I didn't know what else to say. Someone posted about CS and I replied to that. I am mulling over adoption. I understand all sides ans bio dad has rights. But it is also not right that husband does everything for my son while bio dad gets to be photo op dad who pays for none of th things he has come to assume we will just do for my boy.

Support and visitation are NOT equal. They are NOT the same. There is a reason they are handled by different authorities. Life isn't fair. If the CS agency chooses not to do anything about his back support guess what? You're still in contempt if you don't have your son ready for visitation. And a judge will laugh in your face if you walk in and try to force an adoption when he hasn't harmed the child, done something considered unfit and actually sees his kid.

This thread isn't about your situation so I'll continue that discussion there if you want. Bottom line you get what you give, especially here.

pmdc5286 February 12th, 2013 08:21 AM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by CJRPete (Post 27083345)
I've read a lot of this person's backstory. She has gotten flak since the get go for her attitude toward BM and being stepmom. Which granted are not easy things to adjust to.
In my longer post that must still be languishing I explain the more.... in a nutshell a magistrate told me just because my ex hurt me as he did, didn't mean he would hurt our kid. His violence and marijuana production are in our order.

Oh and on my other thread I didn't know what else to say. Someone posted about CS and I replied to that. I am mulling over adoption. I understand all sides ans bio dad has rights. But it is also not right that husband does everything for my son while bio dad gets to be photo op dad who pays for none of th things he has come to assume we will just do for my boy.

My husband does EVERYTHING for my oldest son. Sean hasn't seen his bio dad since he was 11! My husband doesn't want all of the fame and glory for doing for OUR kids. He does it because he wants to and we are a family. I do the same for Robert. I went with Robert to school the other day because he needed someone to and I was the only one available. Shamu wouldn't. I didn't do it to get a medal or a ribbon or a cookie or anything. I did it for my (step)kid. When Jonah and I got together, we didn't have a my kid, your kid thing, they are our kids. Jonah and I are paying for Dani's braces because her dad is refusing too. He has not said one word about it because it is something she needs. Dani knows who provides for her. Adoption has never crossed our minds just because we are the providers for the kids, we do it because we are their parents, it came with having them or marrying a partner with kids.

Stepmom2Be February 12th, 2013 04:07 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ember Rose (Post 27083272)
Why are you still talking to her and dealing with her after everything that's gone on? And how long are we supposed to have sympathy for you continuing to put yourself in the same situation? CPS might not have done anything before but even if the cases have been closed having multiple cases or instances reported with her history of substance abuse would help you down the road with custody if you chose to take her to court to get sole custody.

Oh the only reason I communicated with her was because Eric was out of town and it directly related to her coming to pick O up from me.

Other than that, her and I don't text anymore and it's WONDERFUL!

K.A.T February 13th, 2013 06:38 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Ummm hmmmm where to start???? OK I'm gonna be all over the place so forgive me. First, why does she NEED a 3 bedroom apt? This has nothing to do with the situation other than I'm just a nosy b. :D It's a shame that she felt the need to get subsidized housing (I'm assuming that's what it is cause that's what it sounds like to me). Maybe she's looking out for herself down the road, you know just in case times get harder for her financially? Anywho, it's sad that O had to experience that. At least she handled it the best way she could at the moment. I do agree with you that she should have kept him away from the door so he couldn't have actually witnessed it. Hopefully, things will get better down the road.

Ok what's next...new girl...CJRPete...you seem to have looked into the OPs background quite a bit. Did you invest as much time in anyone else's back story or just hers? Kinda strange for someone who just joined to seem to know the history of a longer time member. A bit of advice that you can take or leave, but I suggest you take it so things can be easier for you here, it's best to let people vent and not get offended about an apparent tone or content of a post. Unless you're the person someone else is posting about, or you're in that actual situation, you really don't know squat and can avoid a lot of drama by not taking it personally. We all have our different points of views here and situations. It's best to not to project ourselves into the next posters batch of issues. It will only get you a headache. Trust me on that one.

Stepmom2Be February 13th, 2013 08:04 PM

Re: Not sure how to feel about this...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by K.A.T (Post 27091146)
Ummm hmmmm where to start???? OK I'm gonna be all over the place so forgive me. First, why does she NEED a 3 bedroom apt? This has nothing to do with the situation other than I'm just a nosy b. :D It's a shame that she felt the need to get subsidized housing (I'm assuming that's what it is cause that's what it sounds like to me). Maybe she's looking out for herself down the road, you know just in case times get harder for her financially? Anywho, it's sad that O had to experience that. At least she handled it the best way she could at the moment. I do agree with you that she should have kept him away from the door so he couldn't have actually witnessed it. Hopefully, things will get better down the road.

Ok what's next...new girl...CJRPete...you seem to have looked into the OPs background quite a bit. Did you invest as much time in anyone else's back story or just hers? Kinda strange for someone who just joined to seem to know the history of a longer time member. A bit of advice that you can take or leave, but I suggest you take it so things can be easier for you here, it's best to let people vent and not get offended about an apparent tone or content of a post. Unless you're the person someone else is posting about, or you're in that actual situation, you really don't know squat and can avoid a lot of drama by not taking it personally. We all have our different points of views here and situations. It's best to not to project ourselves into the next posters batch of issues. It will only get you a headache. Trust me on that one.

Yeah I don't know why she needed a 3 bedroom. My only thought is that because she had to move to the ghetto, she wanted to make it seem like she had a nice big place at least. And dont get me wrong, the apartment itself is super nice. But the complex/area? not so much.

And I can definitely say I would have not let him watch through the peephole. He's already had nightmares about people breaking into our house. He said he wishes we had 3 german shepherds instead of one so he could feel more safe. This was after his grandmas house was broken into and he was told all the details.

For someone who talks to him like a baby, she sure does tell him a lot of things that 8 year olds dont need to know.


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