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Stepmom2Be June 30th, 2013 05:59 PM

Strange Development
 
So since we got O a day early last time for camping, she asked that she pick him up a day early from us. No issues there. Well on Friday night we told O she was picking him up early and he said Why? We told him because he came camping. He said, and I quote, "But it was my decision to leave her and come camping, it should be my decision if I want to go to her house a day early and I dont. It should be up to me. I want more time with you guys. I dont get enough time with you guys. Cant I just be with you guys for like two weeks?"

We explained to him that we need to be fair, and a week with her and then a week with us is fair. He said, "But I just dont want to go back there."

We did what we could to talk to him and make him understand our hands were tied. He seemed to be okay, and seemed okay when she picked him up.

This Friday night, we get a text from BM. "Hey sorry I know it's late and O said you're out of town, but O is really really missing you this week. Can you give him a call?"

So he calls, and she answers. Says he's been really explosive lately and yelling at her. And when she sat down with him to see what was wrong, he admitted he really missed his dad and wanted to go back to his dads but didn't want to hurt her feelings. She told us that she told him it's not a contest, he doesn't have to feel like he has to choose who he likes better, and if sometimes he feels like he misses his dad, to just let her know and he can call him. He said "I dont want to call him I want to see him. I want to go there."

SO anywho, we talked to him on the phone, joked around, told him we love him and miss him, and we pick him up now in like 15 minutes. I can't wait to see the little dude. Eric only has to work two days this week, and we have big plans for the fourth of July, PLUS, I just redid O's room and he has NO idea! I can't wait for this week!

Look!
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.n...78704583_n.jpg
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot...98812338_n.jpg

Stepmom2Be June 30th, 2013 07:47 PM

Re: Strange Development
 
Ladies, I could cry.

I HATE HATE HATE her.

We pick up O and what is the first thing he tells us?

"Last night at 12 at night my mom was drinking wine. She went to the bathroom so I hid her wine and told her that I drank it. It was really funny."

So we ask him how many glasses she had.

"Oh just one, but then in the morning the bottle was empty and she told me she didn't want any more so she threw the rest away."

I am so livid. I am trying to hard to keep myself in control for him. I flat out said, "So shes drinking alcohol again?" and he got defensive and said, "Barely any, just a little bit."

We have a call in to a lawyer. We don't know what our possible actions are at this moment, but if nothing else, we need to be prepared. When she gets a boyfriend, she starts drinking, and it's only just a matter of time before she's passed out on the sidewalk again.

I told O I got him a journal to write in. I told him I want him to write how he is feeling and he can say whatever he wants in that journal and not feel like he is hurting anybodys feelings. He was excited about that. I am going to suggest he write in his journal about the funny trick he played on his mom.

EVERYTHING will be documented. From here on out, she better hope she doesn't mess up again. I am so angry so I am probably coming off really mean to her. But honestly, how can someone sit there and drink an entire bottle of wine while she has her child. Does she just like playing with fire?

pmdc5286 June 30th, 2013 08:34 PM

Re: Strange Development
 
Hugs to you and O! I hope for his sake she is not headed for a relapse. I know the exact position you are in!

Stepmom2Be June 30th, 2013 08:49 PM

Re: Strange Development
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by pmdc5286 (Post 27488252)
Hugs to you and O! I hope for his sake she is not headed for a relapse. I know the exact position you are in!

It's just so hard cuz like what can we do?

We can't sit here and take him away from his mom because HE said she drank wine. But I am so dreading sending him with her next Sunday, because what happens when shes passed out on the sidewalk again?

I am so scared for him. He does not need this. Why is so easy for me, someone who did not even give birth to this child, to see that she is hurting him, and it's so impossible for her to see?

Keakie July 1st, 2013 06:46 AM

Re: Strange Development
 
:( I'm really sorry, Jennifer. I can only imagine how scary that must be given the history here. Good luck with your call in! Let us know how it goes. Thinking of you guys and O. :hug:

AtomicMama July 1st, 2013 07:38 AM

Re: Strange Development
 
Oh Jennifer!! I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this and her actions again! First, I am glad that she was understanding enough to tell O that he didn't need to worry about hurting anyone's feelings or picking sides. I do think that was big of her, because DSD's BM does not do that (she purposely fills DSDs head with negative things about DH and his family).

However, I'm still appalled at her actions. I definitely think O has a point, that he chose to go with you guys early. I think he is at an age where he is old enough to have say in where he goes when.

As far as the drinking, that's just crazy!! Here's the thing, I was a single mom for a long time. Were there (VERY rare) nights that I put Max to bed and had a glass of wine? Sure! Have I had a drink in front of Max? Yes. However, I drink very little, very rarely. I have never had a problem with drinking. She HAS had an issue with drinking. O KNOWS that she has had an issue with drinking. I don't know her. I can't say that she can't have one glass of wine and be done at this point. BUT, she shouldn't put O in a position where he sees it. She doesn't have him 50% of the time, if she has to test her boundaries, she should test them then (or not at all). And I do hope that she is telling the truth about dumping the wine, I really do. I hope she realized what a bad decision it was. I hope that she didn't lie to O or that he didn't lie to you guys because he feels the need to cover for her.

I really hope this all gets worked out in your favor!! What I hate is that if the roles were reveresed and it was his dad, O would be gone from him so fast :( it isn't fair!

MommytoZoeAlyssa July 1st, 2013 12:00 PM

Re: Strange Development
 
Hate to hear all this has happened :( Hopefully things work out for you guys! Keeping you in my T&P

plan4fate July 1st, 2013 01:02 PM

Re: Strange Development
 
In your case I am outraged that she is not only drinking again, but that she's drinking in front of O.


But in general, I have 0 issue with people drinking around their kids, or after they've gone to sleep. Just a personal ancedote... We were exposed to alcohol our whole lives... I was allowed to drink at home, so was my brother.. but my baby brother? At that point it was taboo.. wasn't allowed in the house. Guess which one of us abused alcohol? The baby. My friends who were shielded from alcohol were the ones who were more likely to binge drink later. L and I have discussed it, and we are both on the same wavelength concerning alcohol and Reme. Dh.. not so much... but that's likely because DH doesn't drink and doesn't enjoy a drink or two (unless in New Orleans).

I do have issues with those who abuse alcohol around their kids. A glass of wine or a jim and coke aren't the end of the world.. but that's not what happens in your life Jennifer... and I think you DO have a right to be incredibly concerned right now with her actions.

Stepmom2Be July 1st, 2013 09:07 PM

Re: Strange Development
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Keakie (Post 27488857)
:( I'm really sorry, Jennifer. I can only imagine how scary that must be given the history here. Good luck with your call in! Let us know how it goes. Thinking of you guys and O. :hug:

Thank you. I find myself sitting here hoping she messes up and gets a dui or something this week so I dont have to worry about him next week. Then I feel mean and I hope she magically gets her act together for O.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LifeToTheMax (Post 27488995)
Oh Jennifer!! I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this and her actions again! First, I am glad that she was understanding enough to tell O that he didn't need to worry about hurting anyone's feelings or picking sides. I do think that was big of her, because DSD's BM does not do that (she purposely fills DSDs head with negative things about DH and his family).

However, I'm still appalled at her actions. I definitely think O has a point, that he chose to go with you guys early. I think he is at an age where he is old enough to have say in where he goes when.

As far as the drinking, that's just crazy!! Here's the thing, I was a single mom for a long time. Were there (VERY rare) nights that I put Max to bed and had a glass of wine? Sure! Have I had a drink in front of Max? Yes. However, I drink very little, very rarely. I have never had a problem with drinking. She HAS had an issue with drinking. O KNOWS that she has had an issue with drinking. I don't know her. I can't say that she can't have one glass of wine and be done at this point. BUT, she shouldn't put O in a position where he sees it. She doesn't have him 50% of the time, if she has to test her boundaries, she should test them then (or not at all). And I do hope that she is telling the truth about dumping the wine, I really do. I hope she realized what a bad decision it was. I hope that she didn't lie to O or that he didn't lie to you guys because he feels the need to cover for her.

I really hope this all gets worked out in your favor!! What I hate is that if the roles were reveresed and it was his dad, O would be gone from him so fast :( it isn't fair!

SO true. If Eric were testing his boundaries around O, she would pull him so fast.

I remember something she said when she FAILED a drug test, and Eric told her she no longer was able to have O overnight, per the court order.

"I'll take you to court and have that reversed. The judge won't care that I had ONE drink. I was proving to myself that I could. He just wants to make sure I'm not drinking alcoholically. he won't care about just ONE drink."

Not only was that BS, but she later admitted it was not just one drink, and that alcoholics are prone to relapse, and she can't have just ONE drink. Why should that be any different now?


Quote:

Originally Posted by Zoes_Mommy (Post 27489955)
Hate to hear all this has happened :( Hopefully things work out for you guys! Keeping you in my T&P

Thank you for your thoughts

Quote:

Originally Posted by plan4fate (Post 27490180)
In your case I am outraged that she is not only drinking again, but that she's drinking in front of O.


But in general, I have 0 issue with people drinking around their kids, or after they've gone to sleep. Just a personal ancedote... We were exposed to alcohol our whole lives... I was allowed to drink at home, so was my brother.. but my baby brother? At that point it was taboo.. wasn't allowed in the house. Guess which one of us abused alcohol? The baby. My friends who were shielded from alcohol were the ones who were more likely to binge drink later. L and I have discussed it, and we are both on the same wavelength concerning alcohol and Reme. Dh.. not so much... but that's likely because DH doesn't drink and doesn't enjoy a drink or two (unless in New Orleans).

I do have issues with those who abuse alcohol around their kids. A glass of wine or a jim and coke aren't the end of the world.. but that's not what happens in your life Jennifer... and I think you DO have a right to be incredibly concerned right now with her actions.

I hate to be concerned just solely based off the past, but it's what shes given us to work with, ya know. In OUR situation, her drinking leads to her neglecting O and putting him in danger. Will a judge see that now? Is it a gamble we are willing to take?

AtomicMama July 2nd, 2013 06:24 AM

Re: Strange Development
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be (Post 27491214)
Thank you. I find myself sitting here hoping she messes up and gets a dui or something this week so I dont have to worry about him next week. Then I feel mean and I hope she magically gets her act together for O.

..........

I hate to be concerned just solely based off the past, but it's what shes given us to work with, ya know. In OUR situation, her drinking leads to her neglecting O and putting him in danger. Will a judge see that now? Is it a gamble we are willing to take?

In response to the first part, I think that all the time. Then I remember how much it would crush DSD, and I feel mean about it. There is honestly no perfect solution, you know? It's just impossible. On one hand, you KNOW that you and your DH would provide a better, more stable environment for O on a regular basis. You know that having a stable home would be better for him. On the other hand, you know that his relationship with his mom is important to him, and that if something happened where she could not be around for him, it would crush HIM. There is no winning. I just wish that in these cases the BMs would sit back for a moment and think about what is best for their child in the situation. I know in our case, and I'm going to assume that it would be very similar in yours, that we would be more than happy to do whatever we could to foster a great relationship between DSD and BM, if we were able to have her the majority of the time, especially during the school week/school year. In my mind, it would be the perfect set up. It's just hard when it seems like BM isn't acting in the best interest of the child :( And I'm so sorry you guys are struggling with that, too.

And I hear you on wondering if it's enough and if it is worth the gamble. It's such a hard act to balance!! On one hand, you know that the court will get annoyed if you keep running back and reopening the case without good reason. On the other hand, you don't want it to be flipped around on you, that you guys KNEW she was drinking again and didn't do anything about it. But is Os word going to be enough? Is one drink going to be serious enough? Do you have a lawyer you could call, even just to ask a few questions? Otherwise, you might consider anonymously calling CFS/CPS and just asking them about the situation and if it's a situation you are required to/should report.

Keakie July 2nd, 2013 07:08 AM

Re: Strange Development
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be (Post 27491214)
Thank you. I find myself sitting here hoping she messes up and gets a dui or something this week so I dont have to worry about him next week. Then I feel mean and I hope she magically gets her act together for O.

I don't think that makes you a mean person. :hug: You want him to be safe, and at this point it's more likely that that will happen because she'll do something stupid to remove herself from his life again than it's likely that it will happen because she'll commit to being healthy.

Quote:

I hate to be concerned just solely based off the past, but it's what shes given us to work with, ya know. In OUR situation, her drinking leads to her neglecting O and putting him in danger. Will a judge see that now? Is it a gamble we are willing to take?
That's tough to say. I would certainly bring it up with the lawyer. We've had a glass of wine together while my dsc have been over, but neither of us have struggled with alcoholism at any point, it truly is one glass each and it's almost always after they're already in bed (although that's largely because that's the only point at which we can really sit and enjoy it more so than being afraid of them seeing alcohol :giggle: we're fine with providing an example of healthy alcohol consumption). There's a lot more to it than that with this person, though, and I don't believe someone who has recently struggled with addiction should be testing their boundaries in any capacity. It's hugely risky, and for what? A buzz? Is it worth taking the risk of relapse for that "one" drink, all by yourself? Especially with her only child in the mix? Stupid.

plan4fate July 2nd, 2013 07:41 AM

Re: Strange Development
 
That's a true addict talking. There is no moderation. You are either drinking or you are not. If you are drinking, you are have relapsed. If you are not, you are still sober. If she was attending AA, they'd take away her coin every time she had a drink and start her over with the bottom one.

I would at least consult a lawyer. Just ask questions. Does alcohol show up on a drug screen? It metabolizes out quickly.. it would be hard to snag her with one yes?

Stepmom2Be July 2nd, 2013 01:57 PM

Re: Strange Development
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by LifeToTheMax (Post 27491625)
In response to the first part, I think that all the time. Then I remember how much it would crush DSD, and I feel mean about it. There is honestly no perfect solution, you know? It's just impossible. On one hand, you KNOW that you and your DH would provide a better, more stable environment for O on a regular basis. You know that having a stable home would be better for him. On the other hand, you know that his relationship with his mom is important to him, and that if something happened where she could not be around for him, it would crush HIM. There is no winning. I just wish that in these cases the BMs would sit back for a moment and think about what is best for their child in the situation. I know in our case, and I'm going to assume that it would be very similar in yours, that we would be more than happy to do whatever we could to foster a great relationship between DSD and BM, if we were able to have her the majority of the time, especially during the school week/school year. In my mind, it would be the perfect set up. It's just hard when it seems like BM isn't acting in the best interest of the child :( And I'm so sorry you guys are struggling with that, too.

And I hear you on wondering if it's enough and if it is worth the gamble. It's such a hard act to balance!! On one hand, you know that the court will get annoyed if you keep running back and reopening the case without good reason. On the other hand, you don't want it to be flipped around on you, that you guys KNEW she was drinking again and didn't do anything about it. But is Os word going to be enough? Is one drink going to be serious enough? Do you have a lawyer you could call, even just to ask a few questions? Otherwise, you might consider anonymously calling CFS/CPS and just asking them about the situation and if it's a situation you are required to/should report.

We have a friend who is a lawyer in Oregon. She knows someone here we can talk to. My biggest concern is when she isn't making good choices, she tends to hide it from us as best as she can. I'm worried there is more happening when he's there that we don't know about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keakie (Post 27491736)
I don't think that makes you a mean person. :hug: You want him to be safe, and at this point it's more likely that that will happen because she'll do something stupid to remove herself from his life again than it's likely that it will happen because she'll commit to being healthy.



That's tough to say. I would certainly bring it up with the lawyer. We've had a glass of wine together while my dsc have been over, but neither of us have struggled with alcoholism at any point, it truly is one glass each and it's almost always after they're already in bed (although that's largely because that's the only point at which we can really sit and enjoy it more so than being afraid of them seeing alcohol :giggle: we're fine with providing an example of healthy alcohol consumption). There's a lot more to it than that with this person, though, and I don't believe someone who has recently struggled with addiction should be testing their boundaries in any capacity. It's hugely risky, and for what? A buzz? Is it worth taking the risk of relapse for that "one" drink, all by yourself? Especially with her only child in the mix? Stupid.

Back when she failed her drug test in Nov of 2011, when Eric called her and told her that O was no longer allowed there overnight, she got all defensive and said the whole "It was one drink" thing. (Even though she later admitted it was more then one drink.) Eric's reply was, "How nice of you to decide that ONE drink held a higher importance than your 6 year old child.

That's how I feel now. Do I drink? On the weekends, occasionally. If me having ONE drink meant possibly losing the most important thing in my life? I would never touch it again. She doesn't need to be proving to herself that she can handle just ONE drink. She needs to be proving to her son that she doesn't need to prove anything!

Quote:

Originally Posted by plan4fate (Post 27491834)
That's a true addict talking. There is no moderation. You are either drinking or you are not. If you are drinking, you are have relapsed. If you are not, you are still sober. If she was attending AA, they'd take away her coin every time she had a drink and start her over with the bottom one.

I would at least consult a lawyer. Just ask questions. Does alcohol show up on a drug screen? It metabolizes out quickly.. it would be hard to snag her with one yes?

I don't know if she still goes to AA meetings. I know she used to. She identified herself as an alcoholic. I wonder how her sponsor would feel if she knew she was drinking again?

Alcohol stays in the body for I believe up to 3 days. Back when she had supervised visitation, she was also required to take random urine tests. She drank on Nov 16th, and took a test the next day and it showed a high level of it still in her system.

I wonder, if nothing else, since we know she is drinking again and O has expressed his concerns, given her history with alcohol, if we can get a court order that she takes random drug tests on weeks she has him? Something to ask the lawyer I guess.

AtomicMama July 3rd, 2013 07:01 AM

Re: Strange Development
 
I would definitely talk to the lawyer, for sure. Hopefully they will have good advice to guide you. I know there is no easy answer, for sure :(

Stepmom2Be July 3rd, 2013 12:26 PM

Re: Strange Development
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by LifeToTheMax (Post 27494634)
I would definitely talk to the lawyer, for sure. Hopefully they will have good advice to guide you. I know there is no easy answer, for sure :(

Yeah it's tough.

Last night, O was really tired, we had been at the water park all day. He was fighting with his cousin, who stays here during the weeks we have him. It was only like 10:30 but he was getting an attitude. We told him even though he's tired and cranky that doesn't mean he can be mean to his cousin. Then he just broke down and said, "I just want to spend more time with you guys. Why can't I just spend more time with you guys?" And cried for like 10 minutes. We had just spent the ENTIRE day together, as a family, at the water park, going down all the slides together. I just really wish we could figure out what's going on. We might try to talk to him again this week and approach it as, "We can tell something is going on. You keep saying you want to be here and not your moms house. If something is going on there, hiding it won't make it go away. Telling an adult will help them be able to fix it." And then just list every adult he knows and ask if he feels comfortable talking to any of them about it.

I'm just running out of ideas.

The counselor won't see O unless BM is on board too. We can't risk her knowing we think somethings up right now.

MommytoZoeAlyssa July 5th, 2013 06:21 AM

Re: Strange Development
 
That is a tough situation to be in :( I hope O talks to you guys so you can figure out whats going on. I have had situations like that with my DD where she would say she didnt want to go to her dad's house but didnt want to tell me why and I always re assure her I will not be mad and she will not be in trouble no matter what it is and usually after reassuring her she will talk. Hope you guys figure things out!

Wisey July 8th, 2013 06:23 AM

I hope for O's sake she gets her act together.

Stepmom2Be July 8th, 2013 12:34 PM

Re: Strange Development
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Zoes_Mommy (Post 27498590)
That is a tough situation to be in :( I hope O talks to you guys so you can figure out whats going on. I have had situations like that with my DD where she would say she didnt want to go to her dad's house but didnt want to tell me why and I always re assure her I will not be mad and she will not be in trouble no matter what it is and usually after reassuring her she will talk. Hope you guys figure things out!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wisey (Post 27503923)
I hope for O's sake she gets her act together.

He had a really really good week with us. The first couple days he was a bit emotional, but we sat down with him, had a nice talk, and moved on.

We went to the water park, we went to the lake twice, and we went out to his grandmas. His 3 cousins came here for two nights. It was a crazy fun week!

His mom picked him up yesterday at 6, and I just hope he has a good week with her. He was asking if his cousin on her side could come over and she said maybe so hopefully that happens.

Still didn't get anything out of him. I read through all the medical paperwork we have of BM's, where all she talked about was how she needed to stay sober for her son and it made my heart ache for O. She literally admitted to hurting herself, and self medicating with alcohol and opiates. She has had TWO dui's in the past (before O was born) and I dont understand why she would risk everything she's gotten back for a glass (bottle) of wine.


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