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  #1  
June 5th, 2008, 10:53 PM
Bella_Luna's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 5,220
Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for awhile but its time for me to get this all off of my chest.

I am 23 years old and I just graduated from college (yay). Back in April I found out that I am pregnant, quite unexpectedly. My boyfriend and I are both shocked and scared but we have decided to keep the baby. But now I am back home for a few weeks until I go back down to my apartment, I have no job, and I am facing the terrifying task of telling my parents. I am their only child, and well, they are not exactly the world's most forward thinkers. They are extremly old-fashioned, and even though my mom and I are close, she is very judgemental. She recently discovered that I have been having sex because she found a receipt on which I had purchased some condoms. She told me how much it hurt her and she "hopes I know what I'm doing so I don't get in trouble." She told me that if I end up pregnant I'm going to have a horrible, miserable life. Oops. Needless to say I am utterly terrified of not only the situation but of my parents' reaction. I know I have to tell them because i need to go to the doctor. They are going to be so disappointed in me and I've always just tried to make them proud.

I know that abortion is not an option for me, and I don't think I could ever give up my baby. Despite my fear, I'm also kind of excited about it as I love babies and I know that once the baby is born my parents will love it. I know that my life will change forever though. Its going to be hard because I planned on working for a year and then going back to school to become a Physical Therapy assistant, and then eventually down the line go to grad school. I will be raising a baby and going to school full-time at the same time. Also, my boyfriend is in the military and he is set to deploy shortly after the baby is supposed to be born, and it kills me that he may miss the first year of his child's life. He was pushing for adoption, but when I told him I wanted to keep it he said he would be supportive, and I know he will be. But we are not married and probably will not be for at least a couple of years. Do you think its fair to a baby to raise it without its father nearby for awhile? Will it still be able to grow up well-adjusted? Will it be weird for the child if mommy and daddy get married when its 3 or 4 years old? I know that between my parents, my boyfriend and myself, we have the financial means to give this baby a good life and it will be very loved. I just never thought my life would go down this path. I never thought I'd be an unwed mother. I feel a little embarassed and ashamed of myself.

I'm sorry for rambling on, I'm just so scared and in a weird time in my life right now. I know that I'm not a teenager anymore but this is still bad timing. Although anytime a child is conceived its a blessing.

I guess I'm just looking for a little encouragement, that it is possible to raise a baby and still have a good life and give the baby a good life. I still want to go back to school and make a good life for myself and my family. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.
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  #2  
June 5th, 2008, 11:22 PM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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First off I want to tell you CONGRATS! Now to answer your questions. When I first got pregnant with our son david a unplanned pregnancy #1 for us. We were married and I was 22. My mom was thrilled but my dad on the other hand I will never ever forget what he said to me, he said so you are going to be a mommy do you really think that was such a good idea? Of course a little late for that. He has since done well I guess a 360. He loves our son David and loves being a grandpa. He is old fashioned as well and went into a deep depression when I got engaged to my husband. But he has adjusted. Your parents will come around. They may not be so happy at first. But I would recommend maybe inviting your mom to your first ultrasound. Or to a doctor appointment with you so she can hear her grandchild's heart beat or see the baby on the screen. Trust me that is an amazing experience. Now to the military part, we are a navy family. My husband was gone pretty much my whole pregnancy with David. He will never get that back and we will never get to experience David's pregnancy again but he loves that little boy more than I will ever know. David didnt met his daddy until he was 4 months old. And they bonded so quickly it was amazing! Military life is not easy but your child will be just fine! David is 13 months old now and DH is out to sea and has been for about a month. David knows who daddy is he points to his pictures on the wall and says Daddy daddy. If you ask him David where is daddy? He will say and wave bye bye. Its sad but so cute at the sametime but he understands where daddy is. And lets just say that when I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child my family and friends were in SHOCK (we were to). But everyone has been very supportive. You will be fine hun! goodluck and let me know if you need anything! Oh you will not have a miserable life! You will have a life filled with love and joy you never really imagined. I never thought I could love as much as I love our children! You can still go to school and get your degree! Your life will not be over because you are having a child it will change in a huge way and for the better! Everything happens for a reason! BIG BIG HUGS hun!

Oh hun I know you said you found out in april but when are you due? There are some awesome due date clubs here! You should check them out!
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  #3  
June 5th, 2008, 11:32 PM
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I just wanted to say that when I got pregnant with my #1, my dad was not at ALL thrilled, because he too was very old fashioned. But the biggest turning point was when I asked him to go to a 3D ultrasound and he actually saw his grandson's face. After that he was so excited for my son's birth, and until the day he passed he was incredibly close to my son. They shared a bond that even my son and I didn't have.

So parents can really surprise you, but you have to give them the opportunity.

Congratulations and best of luck to you!!
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  #4  
June 6th, 2008, 07:41 AM
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First of all congratulations!!! Secondly you can still do all these things you were hoping to do! It will be extrememly hard and difficult but if its impt to you ..you can do it! I actually have a friend that is in law school right now and has been since her son was a couple months old.. her fiance is also in the service and hasnt really been around at all. She has supportive friends and family who help watch the now 1 year old so she can go to school! ..It will be IMO way more hard on you not having your boyfriend around then it will for the baby. Babies can be kind of oblivious lol..and it will be all he/she knows. Theres a military mommies board on here that you could check out.

Your parents will come around! Until then surround your self with people who love and support you! Good luck!
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  #5  
June 6th, 2008, 02:21 PM
hotjai21's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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CONGRATULATIONS hun!!! That was something that i didnt hear near enough of when people first found out. Dont freak out. Its okay. Everythign will work out and everything happens for a reason. My mom was no where happy- the whole pregnancy she was back and forth about being happy or mad. You learn to deal. Its your life and your baby. In no way is it going to ruin your life. That 1st off would have hurt my feelings. it would have made me feel like i ruined their life- for them to feel that way. And your child will be fine with out the father if thats what happens. the baby will be just fine! You just have alot on your plate right now and your feeling overwhelmed. But it will all work out.
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  #6  
June 7th, 2008, 10:36 PM
Bella_Luna's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. It really helps to hear of other people who have been in my shoes (or similar shoes haha) and everything has worked out. It makes me feel a lot better Thank you!!!
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  #7  
June 10th, 2008, 10:06 AM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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Hey hun! I wanted to see how you were doing and if you have told your family yet and how it went! i hope you are doing well! big hugs!
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  #8  
June 12th, 2008, 11:16 PM
Bella_Luna's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hey there, thanks for checking up on me! I did tell my family, and it was awful My mom started yelling and crying and wailing and asking me how I could do this to them, I've just ruined my life, I have no idea what a mess I've gotten myself into, there goes my plans of a big wedding someday and what were all our relatives going to say and think. etc, etc. And she keeps giving me this disgusted look. My dad was quite calm and just wanted to talk about it and discuss a plan of action. Basically, exactly the reaction I was anticipating from the both of them. I suppose I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but the worst part was when my mom told me that just maybe I should consider a "safe" abortion because then I might actually have a chance at a decent life I wonder if she'll even want to be seen with me in public now. I really am hoping that once the baby comes all of that will fly out the window and she will love her grandchild. One can hope right? haha well thanks so much for checking on me hun, you're really very sweet and I don't know what I would have done with the support of you and everyone here on the boards.
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  #9  
June 13th, 2008, 09:23 AM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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My sister got pregnant at 16 and my parents with good reasons were very upset. My dad even went down into a deep depression, it just so happens this happened the same year I was planning our wedding not a good year. They have since turned way around to the point where because of circumstances beyond their control (my sister is really a mess) that they have custody of my their granddaughter. They will come around. Things will work out. It may take awhile but just remember that is early in the pregnancy! PM me if you need anything hun!
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  #10  
June 13th, 2008, 04:39 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 182
Hi,
I hadn't lurked on this board for a while and just happened to see your post and was struck by how similar our situations and families sound! I've just turned 22 and found out that I was pregnant in March. Unlike you I'm still at university and currently on a year work placement in Mexico as part of my degree - my boyfriend is Mexican, so this raises a whole load of immigration/visa issues.
My pregnancy, like yours, was very much unplanned and I was absolutely terrified about telling my Mum. She is very worried by appearances, by what other people will say. When I finally worked up the courage to tell her (over the phone!) the first thing she said was that she felt sick and that she'd hoped I'd have a good life and that now I wouldn't be able to. She STRONGLY advised me to get an abortion, she even told me that they were legal up til 5 months in the UK (where I'm from). Eventually she understood that abortion just isn't an option for me and that I am going to keep this baby and do my best to make things work - I really want to finish school, even if I have to take a year out. I know things are going to be really tough for the next few years, emotionally and financially, but I also think I have enough friends to support me and I'm sure you do too.
Try not to let other people's reactions stress you out too much - I knew my Mum would react badly but I was shocked at how cold her reaction was. My godmother also wrote to me telling me to abort... This is totally you're decision and the people telling you to abort will no doubt be those cooing over the baby in a few months time. Right now I'm just taking it one step at a time and trying my best to take other people's reactions with a pinch of salt. Babies can sense their mum's emotions so I'm trying not to let myself get too stressed. As my sister said, I'm not the first person to have an unplanned pregnancy and plenty of people go on to have successful careers/lives, it's just that your priorities will change a bit I guess.
Sorry, I've rambled loads. Send me a message if you want to talk to someone who is going through something similar and best of luck xx
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  #11  
June 18th, 2008, 03:25 PM
meg0109's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Duluth, Georgia
Posts: 8,348
Hi there. I'm 23 as well and pregnant with my first. Mine is also an unplanned pregnancy so I understand what your feeling. We are a very Christian based family, so as you can imagine, it was more than difficult to tell my parents. When I first told them, the news did not go over well at all, but eventually, they both started to except it.

I look at my mom, for example, where at the beginning I had cramping/bleeding and thought I would lose the baby. My mom told me she wouldn't feel bad if I had a miscarriage. That was a huge blow, but I know she said it because she was upset and angry at the time. Now she is excited about being a grandma. So they will get there, hun, they just need time to let it sink in. I know they will support you in every way they can.

Take care of yourself. Stay well.

Meg xx
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