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Am I expecting too much?


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
July 2nd, 2008, 08:34 AM
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This is more or less a follow up to my first post.

SO is still being an ahole. We had a fight over the weekend, his brother came over to see what was going on and REMIND him that I'm pregnant (mind you, bro is a year younger than me, six from my SO).

He calls later to apologize, blah blah blah.

Monday we go for the u/s and he is still in shock, I can dig it. I wasn't expecting it to be like that and neither was he. It is truly amazing to see my little one's heart beating and see them so snug in my tummy .

I realize that he may need time and all, but playing the waiting game with him is not getting it. I am an emotional mess and I really need the father of my baby right now. I have my family and his family support and that helps a great deal. But then didn't make this baby, we did.

I practically have to beg him to come to the appts. He makes no part of me or this baby a priority and it is extremely frustrating. Yet, he continues with our life plans like nothing is going on. He tells me today he can't come to the drs appt because he might have to take a day off to file our land assessment paperwork. I don't get it, your girlfriend is pregnant and is going to the doctor. Granted, it is routine, but why is this so difficult? The OB read me the riot act last week about him not being there.

He tells me he wants to keep things quiet until we decide what to do. I told him, why should I? You mean, until YOU decide? I am having this baby. His choice is to be there or not.

I asked him had his feelings changed since the u/s and he said he wasn't sure, but wished he hadn't seen that. Why? I asked, because of the attachment? He answered a resounding YES.

I am getting to the point where I feel like I just want to get my own place and start over, just the baby and I. I don't have time to wait for him. This baby isn't giving me any time.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I need to just sit back and let him come around on his own? Are my hormones just in overdrive?
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  #2  
July 2nd, 2008, 09:44 AM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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No you are not expecting to much. Sometimes it takes men a little longer to get it. But I would tell him exactly how you feel. And if he is still the same way then I think its time to part ways. Parting ways may just make him realize things. I hope you get everything worked out hun! Big hugs!
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  #3  
July 2nd, 2008, 04:17 PM
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Hi Melony. First off....hugs to you! I'm so sorry you are having a hard time! I just read all of your posts. It's so important right now that you not be getting upset. You're going to have to try to avoid people that get you stressed out. You don't need it and neither does the baby. I'm sorry the SO is being a jerk. That really sux. You just try to hang in there and know that we are here for you...when you need to talk...vent or whatever.

I just found out that I am pregnant about 2 weeks ago. My SO is being very supportive however, I have NO desire to marry him. I am really stressed because I haven't told my parents yet or my brother. They are going to flip. I'm 37 years old...and can handle this. Just stressing because the parents are going to give me a hard time. I'm dreading it!!!!!!! The sad thing is that SO and I were talking the other night and we were saying that in everyone else's eyes, we could solve this problem by getting married. HOWEVER, this would create a whole new set of problems for us (definitely for ME). I'm not in love with him.....like him...he's good person, etc. just don't want to marry him.

So you can see we all have problems. We just have to support each other and be there for each other. Right now I feel better talking on this forum than I do with most of my friends... By the way, I'm due February 21!! ;-))

((HUGS)))
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  #4  
July 2nd, 2008, 06:11 PM
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Thanks Ladies. I am just REALLY at my wits end. He doesn't even bother to call me during the day anymore. What the h*ll did I do to him? I don't know whether to cry, scream, beat him senseless...and my hormones are telling me to do all of the above! I actually do feel better chatting with you ladies opposed to my friends...it is difficult to get into how I feel about him when they are so thrilled about my pregnancy. Can I tell you my boss reacted like I thought my SO should...HE WAS THRILLED! ***?!!!!!!!

He just called and you know what he says "What are you doing? I am sitting here watching TV. (Silence) I just called to check up on you. Okay. Alright then, Bye.

Argghhhhhhhhh! WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?!?!?!?! Do I have to give a dissertation, do a song and dance, run butt naked down the street for him to get it?!
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  #5  
July 2nd, 2008, 09:35 PM
kmac's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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i think the hardest thing sometimes is even having expectations.... if you dont expect him to react a certain way, then the way he reacts might satisfy you more than expecting things...

granted, i'm not saying to drop all expectations of things completely...its just that sometimes i know we think things through in our heads and sometimes have hopeful expectations, and when they dont happen, we get upset.

however, if he really isnt the kind of person you want and you feel that you are completely reasonable in your expectations and reactions for him, then maybe you would be better to part ways, at least for a while, and see how each of you do without the other. maybe it will make him realize he needs to be more involved, or maybe it will make you realize that it might be better for you to do this alone, and just leave him be...allow him to be involved when he wants and how he wants, but expect nothing from him.

good luck and i hope things improve...
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  #6  
July 3rd, 2008, 07:45 AM
momof3&travis's Avatar Super Mommy
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I don't think your expecting to much. I feel the same way sometimes.......... I'm scared definantly ! And we're the ones that actually physiclly, emotionally have to go threw it . I think us as women and mother think about everything where it takes them longer and less time to think about things. Hang in there and lets hope together time will tell and work things out!
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  #7  
July 8th, 2008, 08:33 AM
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OK so basically, we linked up last night and it seems he is coming around a bit. I thought it was kinda cute actually...he would rub my belly a little bit here and there...almost like a frightened animal that you hold your hand of food out too and they want it, but are cautious so they take a little at a time and retreat....

We spent the night together and this morning he was in a bit of a funk, I asked him why and he said it was because he has a lot on his mind, on his plate etc.

When I got to work, I called him bc I left my cell in the apt and we spoke more about whay he was stressing and he mafe the comment "OK, you're pregnant, aight cool, but my money situation is looking really bad.

Eureka! I knew he was stressed about money, but it wasn't until he got into *exactly* what's going on that it has all begun to click and why he has been acting like an A##....HE'S SCARED....which his sister said that and I knew that, but the extent I wasn't aware of.

We are not in the best financial spot right now and knew that well before I got pregnant. He went from having 700+ real pretty credit, spending money on whatever to being overwhelmed by his properties that won't sell, tenants that won't pay rent and he let me know today they canceled his OD line of credit - OUCH! Not to mention that we just bought the house in November and in the process, he ran up his AmEx $20K, Home Depot $10K and now both are delinquent.

I am trying to rebuild my credit and get into better money management practices...'cause basically I ran my own credit into the ground years ago.

Soooo, here we are. I told him that we need to communicate better and stop treating each other's finances separate and sit down and get game plan together. I had no idea it was that bad for him and he never knows from day to day what's going on with mine. I also let him know that his reaction to my pregnancy in his mind was one way, but I was taking it another and reacting the was I was because of such.

I told him that part of the problem is that we have BEEN treating each other like individuals in this relationship in the wrong forums, when it comes to the household and finances, we have to stop. Once we bought this house, it was an us thing and definitely now with the baby.

I am hoping that things will get better once we figure out our mess. If we could just get rid of those ###### properties we'de be fine...but with the market the way it is...well....

I think it might help for us to meet with a financial advisor too, so we can get our credit back on track and be back in the black.

We'll see....


and maybe a pastor to bring the Lord back into our lives! A little prayer NEVER hurts!
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  #8  
July 8th, 2008, 11:34 AM
herewegoagain's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well I am glad he finally told you WHY!!! We were in the same boat too, and we are working together on our debt problems, even tho they are individual we work on them as a whole. And let me tell you in the last 6 months we have paid off about 50% of our debt. good luck and make him keep talking!
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  #9  
July 8th, 2008, 11:53 AM
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Thanks so much! Your story is very encouraging! I am hoping now that this break through will lead to great things!
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  #10  
July 8th, 2008, 01:01 PM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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Thats great news hun. Im glad things are turning around! I hope you get the help you need to figure out the money problems. Big hugs!
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  #11  
July 14th, 2008, 08:06 AM
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He's coming around....

We went to a Pow Wow this weekend and he bought the baby a pair of mocassins! And this morning I caught him rubbing my belly while I was napping on the way to work

And he said he will be at my next OB appt.

He said we still need to talk, but I think he wants this baby afterall.
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  #12  
July 14th, 2008, 09:52 AM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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Quote:
He's coming around....

We went to a Pow Wow this weekend and he bought the baby a pair of mocassins! And this morning I caught him rubbing my belly while I was napping on the way to work

And he said he will be at my next OB appt.

He said we still need to talk, but I think he wants this baby afterall. [/b]
That is great hun! Sometimes it just takes men a little longer! Im so happy for you!
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  #13  
July 17th, 2008, 11:14 PM
Bella_Luna's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I read your whole thread and I want to say that I'm really glad he is starting to come around! I was having some of the same issues with my boyfriend for awhile too. This was really hard on us because neither one of us were planning on becoming or felt we were ready to become parents right now. We would fight so much over the baby situation. My boyfriend did not want to keep the baby but I did. Not to mention we have only been dating each other for 9 months, and while we love each other, neither one of us are ready to say "this is the guy/woman I want to be with for the rest of my life" but of course there is pressure from our parents to get married. Thats a whole new stress in of itself.

I don't think its expecting too much to ask that the father of your child be there to support you and the baby! Sometimes its just harder for men to come around because its not as easy for them to connect with the baby/pregnancy as it is for us. We get to carry the baby around, feel him/her move, hear the heartbeat and see them at the u/s'! Sometimes its hard for them to feel involved, and therefore makes it easier for them to "disconnect" to the situation. Heck just last week I told my bf that I was actually starting to get excited about the baby coming and he told me I was crazy! He pretty much said "are you nuts? I'm not excited, I'm terrified!" But I just try to chalk it up to the fact that right now we are living an hour apart, and because of the distance and his work schedule he has not been able to come to any of my doctor's appointments with me and since we aren't living together or even near each other he can't really "connect" with me and the pregnancy very well over the phone.

*just a side note, and I hope I'm not offending you in any way, but I thought it was rather rude of your OB to make comments about your boyfriend not being there at your previous appointment with you! I think I would be mad if my doctor gave me a lecture about my SO not being there with me. Just because they're not at all the appointments doesn't mean they're deadbeats or not going to support us. Maybe its just my hormones flying, lol but I'm sensitive about the whole single-mother image thing. So I'm sorry if I offended you if you weren't bothered by it at all, maybe your OB didn't really mean anything by it. But like I said, hormones Thats wonderful he'll be going to your next one, and I'm sure your OB will be pleased too!*

I think he will continue to come around more and more. And just wait until he holds his son/daughter in his arms for the first time. He will fall instantly in love!
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  #14  
July 21st, 2008, 10:37 AM
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THanks for that Bella! And no! I wasn't offended at all...trust me I can totally dig it, the hormones make me offend oh so easily but I get what you are saying! I did sting a bit (what the doc said), but I just took it as constructive criticism. He is still back and forth, but coming around gradually. It is difficult for him to get excited about the baby, but he is opening up more and is willing to come to the appts and yes, I think she will be pleased too! I totally agree...I think he will be in LOVE when he holds are baby in his arms....like putty!
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