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SOOO DEPRESSED


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
July 9th, 2008, 09:58 AM
momof3&travis's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: 34293
Posts: 749
I really didn't want to air my laundry out here, but this is my last hope. I really have know one to talk to outside of BF. And that seems to be useless latly.

So a guick low down of my life and what has happened in the last year. Alot of changes! Probably to much for one person. I am 31
Last Jan it really started . My ex husband (37) to be of 13 years of my 2 children. Started abusing pills and other drugs excessivly using all the money. It became a big problem , that i even took him to our family phy. ( which was of no help) It became violent and abusive. So i left the home, got a restraining order Which he cotinueously breaks. He filed for Divorse the same time the restraining order was made permanet. We owned 2 homes 3 cars, boat , 4 wheelers, rv ect. Needless to say loans were taken out on some. All now has been by him sold or repod or foreclosed. Other than the house i was granted back by courts Feb 1st and his truck paid for he drives.

I meet threw a friend a guy my BF now ( 22) who has a dd (4) he took from a very bad situation. The mother does not call her and has seen her 1x in a year.

I rented a house until i could get ex husband to be out of the home in my name which he paid no payments on( almost went into forclosure. The Bf now and dd needed a place to go and thought it may help me out too, so i offered up the rental to share with me and my 2 kids. things went ok for a couple months. But i've ended up supporting him since, other than 2 jobs that never worked more than 2 weeks at a time. ( granted i kknow how hard it is finding a job right now) and i thought we were really into each other. Until things started going wrong in nov/ dec. I caught him saying i love you to an ex on the phone news year eve night which came to me finding out he'd been talking to her and even went and seen her . which ended up being nothing. So he has offically not talked to her or anyone he made a promise and said he knew he wanted to be with me. Something happened in Jan i kinda resent him for. and before that i was i love with him and would do anything for him. after that day i turned into a person that i am not. i distance myslef away from him. i find myself mad at him for little things i treat him like he treated me in the begining ( and i would do anything for him) Now i find it the other way around. it like that saying nice guys finish last , you give your all they s*** on you, visa versa. So this has been going on since feb. all in all he is young does not make all the right choices but is a good person overall.
He definantly no's how to play games, likes to control, show no to lil emotions, dictates when we have sex ect. not a healthy thing! My problem is i had asked him several time to leave the home, he has no car, no family, no friends here and a 4 yr old. also has told me to evicted him. He always seems to wessel his way back in and i let it! IF we make it 3 days without arguing it's a good day but rare. I no this is unhealthy for everyone.

I'm still going threw my divorse, trying to help and support my 2 and what thier going threw, a 4yr old ( which is new adding a 3rd to care for accept , has been threw alot and dragged into arguements so she is very like her dad, also she has been disappenld little , my BF , I've lost or have distances myself from all my friends of 19 yrs or ex has already made his side with them. Alot of them were moms group ( and i know will have opinions on my life or dissapove ect. The 2 girlfreinds, both going threw the same div thing i have either don't like BF or want to go out and hook up. I have no supportive family. I can't tell co workers or my boss in fear I WILL lose my job as soon a show i all due time i will.
So i'm hiding i'm pregnant from everyone, I know they will all have something to say or wait for me to fail.

I am so confused right now, And i know i'm very emotional and becoming VERY depressed. I'm affriad of having this baby, I get really bad PPD on top of my panic disorder. Both my kids are starting school this year. I'm not divorsed yet. As much as he is mostly good with his dd. I don't think he's ready in anyway. As much as we fight i don't think it is right to put everyone threw it. I will definantly loose my job and i'm the support person. Ex refuses to pay CSfor our 2. I already feel alone in this, let alone when i have it i just know in my heart BF and i will not make it. We have struggled threw ayear. I can't imagin 18 yrs. i worry how this will effect the 2 i already have and what will be instore for thier future. We have no friends He's kind of controling. I'm starting to struggle to make it now. i know i brought this all on myself but i need advice support or something. I've tried so hard to be postive, i'm on the Fed ddc and try to participate. But i just can't be happy right now!

Even thou Bf has great quailities i don't think we're good together or for each other. He does try to do anything for me, he cooks, cleans, is great and equal with all the kids, but on the other hand i feel alittle emo abuse going on, he plays games, ask everyday if i'm cheating who've i've talked to, doesn't show emotions that easy ( which I need) calls names althought i think he's thinks thier playing, we have no friends and all mine are weird or he doesn't like and everyoe new we meet he thinks is weird. I don't have family so interaction and acceptances is important to me. I am a really dedicated and worrier mother, this is all wearing on me.

I'm so sorry again for going on so long. I know it's pieced together and half probly doesn't make no sence . I really needed to get it off my chest. I feel alittle mental break down coming on. and sorry for all the miss spelled.
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  #2  
July 9th, 2008, 11:11 AM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Clovis, CA
Posts: 37,585
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Wow hun. I am so sorry all this is happening and it seems to all be happening at once. I hope some of the other ladies here can offer better advice than I might be able to. but I am going to try my best. I was in a controling relationship although I was in HS I really thought he was the one etc. But when I got a job he started calling there demanding to know who I was with etc. I had had enough and I left. Although your situation is a little different since you are having a child. But I would look into all your options. You do not have to stay with him if you do not want to. I know things are hard right now but once you hit the bottom things can only go up from there. Why would you get fired from your job because of a pregnancy? Jobs can not simply fire someone because they are pregnant its against the law. I really hope you stay with us here. Like I said I really dont have expereince in this type of situation so I am sorry Im not of more help. I know some of the other ladies here have been in similar situations so I really hope they offer you some great advice! Congrats on your pregnancy as well and welcome to unplanned pregnancy.
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  #3  
July 9th, 2008, 09:14 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA
Posts: 472
Just remember you are strong and that as much as you want to help him - he & his DD are not your responsiblity. Believe me I know it's hard to take a stance like that but you need to for your own sanity and your children.
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  #4  
July 11th, 2008, 03:30 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 216
You poor doll, I feel so much for you and what you're going through. You're definately right, too much for one person.

In regards to your ex husband, only he can fix himself. Maybe you should go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting or group in your area. You will meet other family members of people who abuse drugs and have someone to talk to in regards to all that. I've been to one because of my brother, I found I was enabling him and I was able to learn a lot about shutting off and knowing all this stuff.

In regards to your BF, I can't tell you anything or give you any advise because I think you already know what you need to hear.
Be strong and remember what does not kill us makes us stronger. Well done to you and keep going.
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  #5  
July 11th, 2008, 06:39 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 384
I see many similarities in your relationship to how mine has been...nearly a decade! I know it is difficult honey. I can't say what you should do, as I am trying to sort through my own mess....but rest assured you have support love!

And believe you me, I know about the depression and anxiety disorder...I spent a week in the psych ward behind it earlier this year, making that my third? nervous breakdown...I am TERRIFIED for my baby and the PPD. I am doing the best I can and will be back in therapy soon. Try to get into some kind of therapy if you can, but don't dare do it alone. In the meantime, I rely on his/my family to give me strength and sanity.

Think about the little blessing inside you doll. That has given me a great deal of strength and clarity.
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Daddy was white as a ghost when he saw my little heart beating and that's hard to do!
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