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  #1  
December 14th, 2005, 07:10 AM
Regular
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 4
Hi all..

I know im no Female, Im Male 21 years old.

Thought i'd come online here to get some advice off alot of experienced people..

Me and my ex-girlfriend broke up over a month ago, 2 days ago she called me crying telling me she was pregnant..

Didn't know what to do because she wanted to break up with me. We have been speaking for the passed few days and things are going ok.

At the moment i dont feel too well because she broke up with me and she wants the baby, but i dont, i want her to abort it because i dont feel safe and we dont have a future set. We have nowhere to live at, she has no job only i do and she is in debt with credit card and other things.

I keep telling her we should settle down and set our future but she wants the baby,

What should we do please help me?
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  #2  
December 14th, 2005, 07:26 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 20
Quote:
Hi all..

I know im no Female, Im Male 21 years old.

Thought i'd come online here to get some advice off alot of experienced people..

Me and my ex-girlfriend broke up over a month ago, 2 days ago she called me crying telling me she was pregnant..

Didn't know what to do because she wanted to break up with me. We have been speaking for the passed few days and things are going ok.

At the moment i dont feel too well because she broke up with me and she wants the baby, but i dont, i want her to abort it because i dont feel safe and we dont have a future set. We have nowhere to live at, she has no job only i do and she is in debt with credit card and other things.

I keep telling her we should settle down and set our future but she wants the baby,

What should we do please help me?[/b]
Hi there...First off, how far along is she? You said you guys broke up over a month ago and she just called you recently. PLEASE do not say this to her, but first off, if you two decide to have the baby, I would have a paternity test. Again, PLEASE don't say that to her b/c that is highly offensive if its yours. Just what you said at first set off some alarm bells.

Second, unfortunately for you, it will be up to her to decide to abort, adoption, or keep the baby. Since it is her body, you really don't have a say.

If she is adament on this baby, than I suggest you both start looking into resources. You will need to accept you are going to be a Father. Obviously you do not HAVE to be a Father, but as an adult and the right thing to do, I hope you are a good MAN and will step up to your responsibilities. I get the impression you are though as you asked "what should WE do?"...

It's PERFECTLY normal for you to be scared, hon. I'm sure she is just as scared as you are, also.

You really only have 2 choices here if she wants the baby. You can either 1. accept it and you two become a team (meaning as parents, not as a couple if that is what you do not want) and start looking into resources and planning or 2. Cut contact w/ her.

Also, maybe you need some time to let this sink in. Don't feel like a bad person for that. Try out the Daddy support forums too on here and elsewhere. You are not alone & there are MANY guys in your shoes....

Good luck
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  #3  
December 14th, 2005, 07:27 AM
nat81
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Well, unfortunately it's her decision in the end and if she wants to keep the baby hopefully you'll step up and support her. I'm sure you're well aware that it takes 2 people to make a baby... Anyway, I'm sure you're really scared now but you'll have to sit with her and make a plan... is there friends or family that might help? She could get a job up until the baby is born and work on paying her credit card dept. I mean she needs to realise that she'll have to help out just as much as you...

I know my bf wanted us to abort at first since we'd only been together about 8 months and we weren't financially stable either... so I decided we would go through one whole day with the idea of having an abortion, then the next day we would only think about keeping the baby and see how we felt about both situations.

I couldn't make it through the day thinking about aborting the baby and my boyfriend came back from work saying the same thing...

So good luck and maybe someone else will have some better advice
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  #4  
December 14th, 2005, 07:35 AM
Regular
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 4
Quote:
Quote:
Hi all..

I know im no Female, Im Male 21 years old.

Thought i'd come online here to get some advice off alot of experienced people..

Me and my ex-girlfriend broke up over a month ago, 2 days ago she called me crying telling me she was pregnant..

Didn't know what to do because she wanted to break up with me. We have been speaking for the passed few days and things are going ok.

At the moment i dont feel too well because she broke up with me and she wants the baby, but i dont, i want her to abort it because i dont feel safe and we dont have a future set. We have nowhere to live at, she has no job only i do and she is in debt with credit card and other things.

I keep telling her we should settle down and set our future but she wants the baby,

What should we do please help me?[/b]
Hi there...First off, how far along is she? You said you guys broke up over a month ago and she just called you recently. PLEASE do not say this to her, but first off, if you two decide to have the baby, I would have a paternity test. Again, PLEASE don't say that to her b/c that is highly offensive if its yours. Just what you said at first set off some alarm bells.

Second, unfortunately for you, it will be up to her to decide to abort, adoption, or keep the baby. Since it is her body, you really don't have a say.

If she is adament on this baby, than I suggest you both start looking into resources. You will need to accept you are going to be a Father. Obviously you do not HAVE to be a Father, but as an adult and the right thing to do, I hope you are a good MAN and will step up to your responsibilities. I get the impression you are though as you asked "what should WE do?"...

It's PERFECTLY normal for you to be scared, hon. I'm sure she is just as scared as you are, also.

You really only have 2 choices here if she wants the baby. You can either 1. accept it and you two become a team (meaning as parents, not as a couple if that is what you do not want) and start looking into resources and planning or 2. Cut contact w/ her.

Also, maybe you need some time to let this sink in. Don't feel like a bad person for that. Try out the Daddy support forums too on here and elsewhere. You are not alone & there are MANY guys in your shoes....

Good luck
[/b]
THanks for helping out guys you're all the best...

First of all its been 4 weeks since she got pregnant im pretty sure..

Secondly what is a paternity test? And how do we do it if i cant tell her??

Well ive spoken to her as much as i could and asked and she wont abort regardless.. im just scared, and never expected all this to happen.. And im getting second thoughts that she only wants to be with me now coz of the baby... Otherwise we'd still be broken up i reckon.

Thanks, hope to hear..
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  #5  
December 14th, 2005, 07:50 AM
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Quote:
THanks for helping out guys you're all the best...

First of all its been 4 weeks since she got pregnant im pretty sure..

Secondly what is a paternity test? And how do we do it if i cant tell her??

Well ive spoken to her as much as i could and asked and she wont abort regardless.. im just scared, and never expected all this to happen.. And im getting second thoughts that she only wants to be with me now coz of the baby... Otherwise we'd still be broken up i reckon.

Thanks, hope to hear..[/b]
A paternity test is where they either do a swab in the mouth of the baby and your mouth or they do a blood test with you and the baby. The test determines that the baby is actually yours.

If you have any doubts about if it might be yours (I don't know her and when you two were together), than I would do one. You'd eventually have to bring it up to her which I'm sure she will not be happy about. I might be playing devils advocate here suggesting a test, but looking out for yourself, I thought I would.
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  #6  
December 14th, 2005, 08:02 AM
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Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE
Quote:
THanks for helping out guys you're all the best...

First of all its been 4 weeks since she got pregnant im pretty sure..

Secondly what is a paternity test? And how do we do it if i cant tell her??

Well ive spoken to her as much as i could and asked and she wont abort regardless.. im just scared, and never expected all this to happen.. And im getting second thoughts that she only wants to be with me now coz of the baby... Otherwise we'd still be broken up i reckon.

Thanks, hope to hear..[/b]
A paternity test is where they either do a swab in the mouth of the baby and your mouth or they do a blood test with you and the baby. The test determines that the baby is actually yours.

If you have any doubts about if it might be yours (I don't know her and when you two were together), than I would do one. You'd eventually have to bring it up to her which I'm sure she will not be happy about. I might be playing devils advocate here suggesting a test, but looking out for yourself, I thought I would.
[/b][/quote]


THANKS!! GOod idea!!

And actually she has done drugs and alcohol and moked when she was young in her life, and moderaltey in the passed few months.

I am worried there might be something wrong with the baby, what are the chances? And how do we get that tested to make sure it wont be mental?
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  #7  
December 14th, 2005, 10:22 AM
kwestern's Avatar Coolest Mom Ever
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Location: Minneapolis, MN
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Alot of women drink or smoke when they haven't found out that they are pregnant, so don't fret too much about that off the bat. I drank before I found out and my little girl is completely fine. When the mother is farther along the doctor will do all the necessary tests to determine if something may be wrong with the baby (blood tests, ultrasound, etc.) Also nature has a way of taking care of things like that too... alot of the time if something is wrong with the baby a woman will miscarry and lose the child.

So it sounds as thought she has her mind made up and will be keeping the baby. The only advice I can give you is to be as supportive as possible, that is if you want to be in the child's life. You two do not have to be together as a couple just because you are having a baby. You can both be parents and not be together, so do not let the situation determine your relationship status.

Also, i know it is tough and i know that you understand that having a child might not be the ideal situation right now. But sometimes things happen for a reason. There are plenty of resources out there that can help the two of you out, just look into them in your state. Also, make sure she knows that she will have to get a job and become responsible for herself and the baby, just as you are doing.

The only other thing I can say is that, although this may not be what you want children are a blessing. Things will work out, just believe. This child, if you accept him/her, can bring you great joy and lots of love and smiles for many years. Look at the bright side, you have a little angel on the way. I hope I have helped in some way shape or form.

Good luck.
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  #8  
December 14th, 2005, 11:53 AM
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The above poster said it all perfectly
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  #9  
December 14th, 2005, 04:32 PM
lordsdaughtr's Avatar Regular
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Well, I don't have much experience but I am pregnant with my first child. Similar to your situation. This is just my opinion, I found out two weeks after me and my boyfriend broke up. When I called him and told him he was not excited. Infact he told me to get an abortion as well, which is a HORRIBLE thing to say to pregnant women who wants to keep her baby, it just makes things worse and upsets the women even more. It really hurt me when he told me that. I don't have a job either and I to have a good amount of debt. I did try to stay with my boyfriend after I found out I was pregnant, but I just recently broke it off with him again because of the way he is. He isn't ready to be a dad and he has very bad habits. I don't want my baby around that.
But if your not together, and she wants the baby your basically have no choice. She is going to keep it if she has her mind made up. You can try to talk to her, but it sounds like she knows what she wants. Maybe you could talk to her about adoption? You can't really do anything about the situation with out her agreeing on it.
Its still possible for her to get a job. There are alot of programs that help out with that kind of situation. I am on WIC an everything. They pay my medical bills and baby stuff etc.
But please, if she ends up keeping the baby and having a baby, be there!! Be the best father you can because you helped created that baby and so it is your responsibility to. Maybe having this baby will mend the relationship or make you two grow closer and stronger? You never know.
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  #10  
December 14th, 2005, 04:44 PM
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Hahaha, I should learn to read the entire post and every ones commets before I reply. Now your all talking aout smoking and drinking while pregnant. My opinion there, I smoked Weed alot before I got pregnant and even the first couple of weeks of my pregnancy before I found out. I am hoping that wont affect my baby. Buts whats crazy, you see the crack and meth addicts, etc who do drugs while pregnant and there baby comes out fine. But then you see people who do that or who are alcholics while pregnant and they come out with premature, or messeds up babies. I am scared of that question as well, will it harm my baby? Its basically a risky chance. Of course the risk is higher to having something wrong with your baby and you shouldn't smoke, do drugs or drink while pregnant. But oddly enough sometimes they turn out healthy. So just hope the baby comes out alright. Just make sure she doesn't do it anymore!!! You don't want a higher risk of miscarriage and all that bad stuff happening. Even smoking Cigerettes, NO NO NO. I don't think any pregnant women should do any of that stuff. Even though I admit I smoked weed one time a few weeks ago and I felt JUST HORRIBLE!! I don't ever want to risk doing that again. Because I don't want to hurt my baby. So yeah....I don't think what I said was really advice, but it was a comment. Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you. You seem like a very sweet man with a caring heart.
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  #11  
December 14th, 2005, 08:03 PM
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Thanks alot people. All this starts to make sence. Still i am scared a bit though, im only 21 and going to be a dad is just like end of lief to me dont ask why, i just got alot of ambitions in life and it just efels that im going to cut them down to look after the kid.

Ps, where do i go to get the baby checked out to see if its going to be mental or anything? What doctors are best to tell us results about this?

Thanks heaps.
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  #12  
December 15th, 2005, 05:34 AM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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Quote:
Even though I admit I smoked weed one time a few weeks ago and I felt JUST HORRIBLE!! [/b]
Ah, with my first, I did it once... and I felt so bad the whole time. While I really believe that it won't hurt the baby to do it once in a while, I just can't do it, when it comes down to it!! I felt too guilty.

But, I had a 38-week gest. baby boy, and he was a perfectly healthy 8 lb. 4 oz.

I'd feel pretty safe about having a healthy/normal baby.

Quote:
Thanks alot people. All this starts to make sence. Still i am scared a bit though, im only 21 and going to be a dad is just like end of lief to me dont ask why, i just got alot of ambitions in life and it just efels that im going to cut them down to look after the kid.[/b]
Well, I got pregnant at 18, and in my own experience, life as I knew it wasn't over. Things are certainly different, but it's totally possible to still live out your dreams. I wish you both the best of luck!!
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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  #13  
December 15th, 2005, 10:41 AM
kwestern's Avatar Coolest Mom Ever
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I am only 23 and pregnant with my first child, unplanned. Although it can complicate things a bit, there is NO reason a baby should hold you from your ambitions. If anything, it gives you more... it gives you a reason to succeed and reach your dreams. This baby will give you more to live for...

As for what dr. have the mother find an OB/GYN. This is the doctor she will need to go to for all of her appointments (which i highly suggest you go to all you can as well) The mother probably already has an OBGYN, if not you can call a local women's hospital, or any hospital and find one.

The OBGYN will guide you through this process and will make sure all the tests are performed. Please keep in mind it will be quite a while before you can do these tests, as the fetus will need to be of a certain age. So be patient, and try to be a part of everything. It will help you adjust to all the changes.
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  #14  
December 15th, 2005, 11:28 AM
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I was 19 when I got preg with my first....20 with my second and was a single parent until they were 6 and 7. Now I'm 37 and preg with my 3rd.

First off, GET HER ON MEDICAID so she can see a DOCTOR without worries of medical bills ... Just call your local Dept of Health and Human Resources (DHHR) (or local welfare office - hey, there's nothing wrong with welfare...that's what's its there for) in your local city or near by....just look in the phone book or search online...there's one if every city. If she's unmarried and has no job, then she definately qualifies.

Once she gets medicaid, have her sign up for WIC. Its a great program that offers free cheese, milk, cereal, juice and other stuff plus they give free formula after the baby is born.

Once she sees a DR, the DR will perform tests to check for any birth defects, ect (in your words...mental). Usually this is done through ultrasounds and blood testing. The DR will also check the mom out for any STD's and other problems - she'll also have to take vitamins.

Get a paternity test and don't worry about her feelings on this. I know that sounds terrible and I'm sure there are other women out there bouncing out of their seats at what I just wrote but do you want to spend the rest of your life always wondering? With a paternity test you'll know in your heart and your feelings/thoughts are just as important as hers. Besides, when you fight (and all couples do), that will be something that will be brought up (or in the back of your mind) and you don't want that...

Take care and good luck to you. If you need help finding your local dhhr, please email me (annalizalane@hotmail.com) and I will help you and your girl get started.
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  #15  
December 16th, 2005, 11:59 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Please, Please dont encourage her to have an abortion if she wants to keep the baby. I beg that of you. You dont have to stay with her in a relationship and yes, your life is about to change forever but dont do that to her. It takes 2 to make a baby, planned or not, and 2 people need to be just as responsible.

Life is not perfect and things happen that you dont expect. Take this life as a gift from god.

I found out I was pregnant, my b/f just kept telling me to get rid of the baby. I told him and everyone else to eat dust........ I was keeping my baby!

I lost the baby through miscarriage 2 1/2 weeks ago and let me tell you - the pain is worse than anything I have ever felt. I could never explain to you the pain.

Please support her. I know you are scared...............

Hugs,
~ Missy
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  #16  
December 16th, 2005, 12:43 PM
gtsscott's Avatar Veteran
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Since your asking for opinions I'm going to give you mine.

SAFE SEX!!


You say you didn't want a baby - what did YOU do to prevent it?

This is two sided, YOU put the baby their now step up and take rexponsibility for creating life. Why do guys always do this?

Could you look at yourself in 10,20 years when you finally settle down with someone (after making you GF have an abortion) and look into the eyes of your children knowing that you are one short?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I am neither Pro or Anti Abortion but I think it's time you realised that if you wnat to have sex without protection than your probably going to get a girl pregnant!!

Children are a gift, and when you see yourself in that child you will wonder HOW THE HELL you could have thought of her getting rid of it.
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  #17  
December 17th, 2005, 06:37 PM
kwestern's Avatar Coolest Mom Ever
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No offense to the above poster - qtsscott - But he didn't ask for your OPINION.... he asked for ADVICE. Which was a very wise thing for him to do.

We are NOT here to criticize or judge how the situation came about or his feelings about the situation; we are here to answer his questions.

SO... if all you are going to do is beat someone down for what they think or say then please don't post. Especially because you missed the entire purpose of his post.

I'm thinking maybe you are bitter for some reason with the all encompassing "Why do guys always do this." statement. So if you are don't take your bitterness or anger out on someone you don't even know.

To everyone else who reads these posts- my apologies for having to read my rebuttel, but I am completely embarassed that the young man, looking for help, was responded to in such a nasty way.
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  #18  
December 17th, 2005, 08:26 PM
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I think it's really impressive that you've taken the initiative to find this place and ask for help.

First off, you and she shouldn't feel obligated to be together just because you're having a baby. Since you really do seem to care about what happens and about this baby, I do recommend you go with her to the doctor visits. The first doctor visit will just be a big batch of questions about family history and stuff, and it's helpful to know what's what on the dad's side too.

Since she's unemployed I'm gonna guess she doesn't have any insurance, so like someone suggested above, get her on medicaid. They'll pay for the doctor bills which is a big deal. My first doc visit was just three blood tests and a chat w/ a nurse, and it was over $100 - thankfully I've got insurance that covered it all.

The WIC program stands for Women in Crisis and there is one in each state. They help with guidance, classes, food, and all sorts of very helpful things that I'm sure you guys will need.

Both of my aunts got pregnant when they were young, and got married because of it. And I can tell you that neither of them were happy marriages.

If you and the mother really want to try and make it work, try dating a while, but don't think that you have to marry the girl because she's having your kid. You can be there for the kid and for her without being partnered with her.

It'll really depend on what the two of you want.

And don't worry about this destroying your life. I know a girl who got pregnant at 16, but still managed to finish highshool, go to college, get a great job doing what she always wanted, and eventually married a great guy (not the father). So life can still continue, even after childbirth.

Good luck
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  #19  
December 18th, 2005, 08:18 PM
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Kwestern,

I gave my "advice", he needs to step up and realise that he had involvement in creating a child and if he had no intention of becoming a father than he should have used protection.

I am not judging him and I even apologised if my post sounded harsh but that is the reality of the situation.

When your having intercourse without protection than the outcome should always be in your mind.

She is pregnant and wants to keep the child and nothing he can say will change that, she even broke up with him before finding out she was pregnant so maybe her raising the child alone was already what she had planned.

I am not going to apologise if I offended you as my comments were intended for one person. As for I having some personal feelinga bout it in regard to my comment "Why do men always do this", I am a happily married woman and mother of 2 children.

Now he is going to be a father whether he likes it or not.

Doof, have you actually asked her if she wants your help?
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  #20  
December 19th, 2005, 07:43 AM
kwestern's Avatar Coolest Mom Ever
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Quote:
Kwestern,

I gave my "advice", he needs to step up and realise that he had involvement in creating a child and if he had no intention of becoming a father than he should have used protection.

I am not judging him and I even apologised if my post sounded harsh but that is the reality of the situation.

When your having intercourse without protection than the outcome should always be in your mind.

She is pregnant and wants to keep the child and nothing he can say will change that, she even broke up with him before finding out she was pregnant so maybe her raising the child alone was already what she had planned.

I am not going to apologise if I offended you as my comments were intended for one person. As for I having some personal feelinga bout it in regard to my comment "Why do men always do this", I am a happily married woman and mother of 2 children.

Now he is going to be a father whether he likes it or not.



Doof, have you actually asked her if she wants your help?[/b]

qtsscott-

Your post came across as harsh and condescending. He and his ex are already in this situation so there is no need to lecture on safe sex... that is not something that can be undone and that is not what he was looking for advice for. Also... JM is here to provide support and friendship to those who need it and want it. He came to educate himself on the situation from others who were in a similar one, and for the most part was met with some great, useful feedback. Please take care before posting... as your words came across as if you were attacking him.

Doof- I hope you have found some useful feebback from your post. No one here knows the exact situation you and your ex are in. We can only hope that the two of you can work it out. Your feelings are your feelings, none of us here can criticize how you feel because that is not our place. I can only hope that my posts (leaving out the last two, because they are off topic) have helped to educate you on the situation.
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