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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
January 2nd, 2006, 02:31 PM
Regular
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2
Hi,
I'm 22 years old. I am getting married in 2 months. My fiance & I have been together for 4.5 years. I just found out last night that I am pregnant (2 home pregnancy tests).
My fiance is not wanting to keep the pregnancy. He thinks that since we are broke & this is not the best timing, we should stick with our agreement we made 3 years ago, while dating that if I got pregnant, I would get an abortion.
I am wanting to keep this baby. Last year, at the end of January, I started bleeding a lot. I found out that I was 2 months pregnant & was having a miscarriage. I had to have a d&c, and the whole process what very emotional. I don't want to go through that again. I can't imagine knowing that I had something living inside me that could have lived a life & made a difference & that I killed it.
Please, does anyone have advice on how to explain to my fiance that we should keep this baby & that we will make room, and we will figure out how to save money & afford it?
I know that I can't have an abortion, it will destroy me & make me resent my fiance. I don't want him to resent me for keeping it, either. I wish he would see things from my perspective.
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  #2  
January 2nd, 2006, 04:01 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 3,669
how about adoption?
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  #3  
January 2nd, 2006, 04:36 PM
mommytutu's Avatar mom to Emma & Jacqueline
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Bradenton, Fl
Posts: 13,831
What you need to do is sit down with your fiance, possibly (and perferably) with a counciler, and talk to him about how you feel.

In all reality, babies are not that expensive! You can get a lot of the stuff you need used from consignment stores, hand me downs from family and friends, and from your baby shower if you want to have one.

Plus there are a lot of financial aids you can recieve if you qualify, such as medicaid, insurance that will pay for all of your doctor, hospital bills, and your baby's doctors visits for at least the first year.

This is just a general analysis, and you can get a lot more information from your areas medicaid office, and health department.

It sounds like you know what you want to do, and if your fiance comes around he will realize how amazing this little baby will be, and how happy it will make him.

Good Luck!
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  #4  
January 2nd, 2006, 04:57 PM
Regular
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2
Quote:
how about adoption?[/b]
thanks for the input, but I know myself & that I absolutely wouldn't be able to adopt my baby out. I admire women who are strong enough to make that decision.
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  #5  
January 2nd, 2006, 05:48 PM
mrs_catty_marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: WA
Posts: 5,939
Having a child is not too expensive. Especially if family helps out and you breastfeed. One of the most expensive things is actually formula. A great program that I was on when I got pregnant was called WIC. They will give you food while you are pregnant, and will get food for your child when it is born.
Congrats
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  #6  
January 2nd, 2006, 07:31 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 141
Hi! And may I say congrats!
My advice...you say you don't want to get rid of this baby, honey, you've already made up your mind!

When I was 20, I was with my guy for 1.5 years and woopsies, we got pregers. I was ready to keep the little one, but he wanted an abortion. I loved him and didn't want to do it alone, so at 11 weeks pregnant, one week before the cut off, I had an abortion like he wanted. To this day, three years later, I'm still not over it. Not only do I feel horrible about it, but my guy and I broke up a while after anyways! Mostly due to the abortion. I felt so guilty about it, and was so torn up, it was very hard not to place some of the blame on him for putting that sort of pressure on me to do it. Two years after the abortion, our relationship deteriorated and not one day goes by that I don't regret my decision to abort.

Honey, if your fiance of all people won't support this decision, you may need to rethink the marriage. I know it sounds a little harsh, but this is also his responsibility and if he's not willing to deal with this, he may not be ready for marriage. For better or for worse, richer or poorer...These are vows he may need to be reminded of. So what if this isn't what you planned on years back... Things happen! You made that "plan" when you were dating, not when you were two months away from saying I do. Your relationship is a little more serious now. I mean, if you were planning on having kids after being married anyways, there's no reason to abort just because it happened a tad bit sooner than hoped.
When you miscarried a while ago, what was his reaction? Was he upset? Hurt? Felt a loss? You may need to remind him of those feelings. And you need to remind him of your feelings about that. He shouldn't want you to go through that again.
I'm now 17 weeks pregnant with my new guy and we couldn't be happier. But that's now. At first, it was a different story. We were only together 5 months, he wasn't even working and I had just taken a job with lesser pay because I was so unhappy at my previous job. Not in anyway close to being engaged, and in no way financially or emotionally ready for a baby! But now, my man's got a great job, we moved in together and we're in a way better position that we were before. All this to say that there's NEVER a "right" or "perfect" time for a baby. It's all just a matter of making it work.

You need to make it clear that abortion and adoption are NOT options for you (going by what you've told us). Now, that said, you need to discuss how you're going to make this work, instead of if you're going to make it work. Discuss all the help you can get financially through different programs, and the support you'll get from family and friends. As mentionned before, you'll get tons of baby stuff from everyone and the baby's first year really isn't that expensive. And if he won't go with it, don't do anything you're going to regret just to keep him happy because you'll just be sacificing your own happiness. I don't know your fiance and I don't know what his character is like, so you'll have to be the judge on how to have this discussion with him because you know him best. Try to be positive with him, explain to him that, yes this wasn't planned, but there are ways to make this work. Have a list of pros and cons ready. The cons will show him that you aren't discounting the hard stuff, but the pros will help him see that there is a good side to this. Honestly, it's natural for a man to look at the finances and the practical stuff first. It takes a bit of time for them to come around to the emotional side of having a baby. Give him time. Hopefully for the sake of you, your baby and your marriage, he'll come around. Be strong. Don't give up on this.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope this helps a little. You're not in an easy situation. But you know what, no matter how things play out, you and your baby will be just fine! These things always have a way of working out. It takes a lot of work, but still. Keep us updated!
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  #7  
January 2nd, 2006, 08:20 PM
MamaAshley's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 7,140
I also agree that you should not give up the baby only b/c he wants you to. This will not be a good situation afterwards, trust me, I know. Talk to him, make him understand where you're coming from, if you made this agreement years ago together, and got pregnant TOGETHER, not alone, so tell him this is between you two, not jsut him making the decesion. If he comes around great, if not then I hate to say it but a marriage wouldn't have worked, b/c in a marriage you BOTH need to work together at naking decesions, not himn' making the choices and you just going along with them b/c he said so. I think you're making the right decesion to keep the baby, there are so many programs to help you out, breasfeeding helps out a lot b/c formula does cost a lot, but WIC is great to help with food and expenses for the baby, plus medicaid and local assistance is probably avaialable Good luck to you and please don't have an abortion if that's not what you want! Good luck sweetie!
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Bryson 2,and our lil man Noah Alexander turns one year on 7/5/10!

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  #8  
January 3rd, 2006, 02:12 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 1,668
Of course I agree with what other people are saying....abortion and adoption are life changing situations and should be considered very carefully. Forget about him for a minute and think about your feelings....he may or may not be around in years to come but you will ALWAYS have yourself to deal with.

Besides WIC and Medicaid and even Welfare, don't forget that there are tax advantages too. I loved getting Earned Income Credit and its great to have dependants to claim on your taxes. I'm going to miss that when my oldest goes off to college this year.

Mostly, the benefits WAY out weigh the costs.....just remember that when you get your first sticky kiss from a little being who loves you unconditionally....or when you look down and see an angel sleeping and wonder how you got so lucky....or the first picture he/she makes just for you that stays on your refrigerator for 10 years because that is what he/she made especially for you...

I have to admit that I think it's expensive to have a child but it seems that no matter how poor I was (and there were times when I had to dig for change in cushions or recycle pop cans for money to feed the kids) I ALWAYS found a way to take care of them (and you will too) - even as a single parent.

You are stronger than you think. Go with YOUR feelings because you have to live with YOU for the rest of your life.

I love my DH but I know men can come and go in my lifetime but my children, and myself, are always going to be connected to me.

Good Luck to you...I wish you the best.
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  #9  
January 3rd, 2006, 02:57 PM
Athey's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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When my DH and I were still dating we made that same promise that if we slipped up and I got pregnant that we'd just get an abortion. We didn't have any health insurance and money was never good for us, and we figured the same thing you guys have - no way we could do it without screwing up everything.

I'm fortunate that I'd just gotten promoted and was finally covered by health insurance with my job about a month before it happened. But a baby was still the last thing that we were prepared for.

The plan was to wait at least another year or two before we even thought about it... Our situation was a bit reversed. I'm sure if I'd suggested abortion that my DH would be the one throwing a fit. When I first found out it was mostly denile and worry about whether or not we could actually do this. There's a lot fear and worry to face and I'm sure your guy is just in that panic mode.

See if you can get him to look up stuff on the internet about pregnancy. See if you can find him some kind of community for expecting fathers. This site really helped me realize that I could do this. Seeing other people so excited about pregnancy and reading all of the things they posted really made me start to want it too.
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  #10  
January 3rd, 2006, 07:13 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: vermont
Posts: 3,705
There are right, and they are alot of things you could go on like wic, you could get medicade, food stamp's ect... hand me downs are aways great. There is alot, if you have a welfair building in you're area you should check it out, it's helped me out with all of it.
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  #11  
January 3rd, 2006, 08:28 PM
youngmum123
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hi... i think you should tell him.. what you just told us... that touched me.. and if it doesnt touch him in anyway your relationship wont work.. he has to understand you... i'm only 16 i live out of home with my boyfriend and i also had a m/c and i feel pregnant again and now i have my month old baby on the bed sleeping and she is my world.. i love her so much and she's the best thing in my life.. the love u get from your child is great... trust me it doesnt cost that much having a baby... when they get older maybe.. (but u could most likey afford it by then) i just brught little things every week and now i have more then enough stuff... relos give you things... even go to your nearest baby clinic and tell them where your at and they will round up stuff for you.. clothes.. car seats..exc...
anyways hope it all goes well and dont stress out..(bad for bub) and keep your baby.. its the best coice you'll ever make even if times get hard... also breast feeding cost nothing.. does it?
take care.. hugs..
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  #12  
January 3rd, 2006, 10:35 PM
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Location: Oklahoma
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Just keep this in mind:

If everyone waited until they could afford a child, nobody would have one. Some people might be rich and have everything in the world, but it's not because they waited to have children. That's just circumstancial.

I was 18 when, oops...my daughter arrived. I told myself that I wouldn't be one of those bums that get state assistance. I didn't want help, I wanted to pay for everything. Just the doctor bill for the office visits exceeded $3,000. That ate up my entire savings account. I had no money for the hospital bill. That is when I changed my tune and asked for help. I got medicaid. It paid all of the hospital bills and all of my daughter's doctor visits.

I am now the proud momma of 5 kiddos. I could not imagine not having any of them. I am the luckiest person alive...just look at my baby's picture down below. That is what I am here for. My ex-husband (my 1st 2 kids dad) tried to get me to abort my 1st...saying it would be easier on us. I still think about that to this day. That was 15 years ago and I am so thankful that I made the decision MYSELF.

It's your body, do what is right for YOU! Sounds like you want to have this baby. You're gonna love it when that baby says MOMMA for the 1st time. And I hope your fiance will listen to you and be there for you. If not, you're better off without him (sorry if that isn't what you want to hear...it's just the truth).

Hugs to you and good luck on whatever decision you make...it's ultimately up to you!
Karen
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