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Update on the Mother-in-Law situation


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
January 3rd, 2006, 11:06 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 141
Hey you guys,
I just wanted to thank you for the advice you've given about this situation. To update, turns out my b/f is actually going out to visit her, so what a relief for me! However, somehow even with that, the situation deepens and I'm even more at a loss. What's funny, is that now it doesn't even seem to be about her anymore...
Last night at 10pm my jerk b/f decides now is the time to start a big huge fight about everything that's bothering him. Anyways, to make a really long story short, he started totally attacking me about how that morning, as it was his mom's bday, I didn't call her to wish her a happy bday, and that I made "an extremely rude comment" about "it being surprising" that she was planning to turn his old room into a nursery for the baby over the next year. For one, yes it is surprising that she would be planning that, considering she can't even speak about the baby! How is saying "wow, that's very surprising" extremely rude? I could have easily said "Why the hell would she be doing that, what with her sh*tty attitude she's shown about pregnancy??!!" And secondly, I told him a few weeks ago that I needed a bit of time away from her and all this as I also need time to come around about the whole thing. He was TOTALLY ok with this because HE was the one who wrote to her asking her to make an effort and she responded to HIM that she would NOT. He was the one who said he understood if I needed some time away. And now he's totally turned a 180 and is shifting the blame on me for all of this, saying that I'm exagerating, and just causing problems for nothing. I've turned into this "sh*t disturber" because heaven forbid I'm a little defensive that my baby is a problem for someone. Why can't he give me even a FRACTION of the respect he gives her when it comes to "needing time to deal with things" ?? Why am I not allowed a bit of time to heal from this? I even made the very obvious point that I'm not nor have I ever said anything mean about her. I didn't even say "no I don't want to talk to her!" when he wanted to pass me the phone with her on the other line, I said "I'm a little tired right now..." I kept her totally out of it. I've never once said she was a ******, or that I hated her. In fact, I very much want her in my life and want her to be a part of our baby's life, but I don't feel comfortable just yet talking to her, knowing very well that not once during the conversation will she ask "so how's the baby? How are you feeling?"... Guess what his response to that was? "Don't say the word "******" or "hate" when it comes to my mom...even if you're just using it as an example of what you didn't say because that's my mom you're talking about..." I CAN'T EVEN SAY "I never said she was a ******, I never said I hated her" BECAUSE SOMEHOW THAT MEANS I'M TALKING BAD ABOUT HIS MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of sick complex does he have? I know I'm hormonal, I know I'm not quite myself these days, but FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! How am I supposed to deal with that!? Not only this, but I told him a few weeks back that after everything I've been put through with this whole situation, that if he turned on me one more time about it, that that was it between us, because he said it himself...I did everything I could to try to get her to come around about it, and none of it worked, so it was perfectly understandable if I needed some time away from everything!
And now he's done it again, and I can't put up with it anymore. I don't want to leave him over it...But if I just let him keep putting me through hours and days of crying my eyes out because my b/f can't ever seem to back me up every so often when it comes to his mom, it'll never stop! I'll always be left behind, and look like the bad guy all the time. This isn't to say I want her to be the bad guy...I just want him to show a bit of support when I'm hurt and it just so happens to be because of her. I'm not asking him to choose me over his mom. I woudl never ask that of anyone! I just need him to show me some respect as a person who doesn't want to be walked all over and keep my feelings to myself all the time when I'm hurt, REGARDLESS OF WHAT IT'S ABOUT. I don't want to be with someone who will always turn on me the minute things aren't quite rosy with his mom!
Even a long time ago, he was sitting at the computer reading his email and he let's out this "OH MY GOD!" so I jokingly said, "Oh my god what" in a sarcastic and exagerated voice,a he told me "Shut up! My mom's house got broken into!" Shut up??? How the hell was I supposed to know his "OMG" involved his mom...But if it were about anything else, he would have never talked to me like that! Does that not disgust you?! I didn't know what it about, yet he snapped at me like as if I said "who gives a flying fart about her house being broken into, because didn't you know, I only want to be mean to your mom!??"
I've already come to understand and accept (not agree though) that his mom isn't ok with this situation and that it could possibly take until the baby's born to come around and finally be able to mention the word "baby" around me. This doesn't mean I need to kiss her butt until then nor even involve myself. It's my right as a mother to surround myself with those I CAN speak to about the baby and not feel uncomfortable around. At least until it doesnt' bother me anymore. But what I'm not ok with and not accepting is the fact that my own b/f won't support me on this.
You have all been so helpful, not only to me but to others also... I really need some help and advice...I don't think I can handle anymore of this. I'm stressed out to the max and can't seem to shake it off. I know I'm a strong person, but I have my limits just like anyone else. I could feel the baby kicking and squirming like crazy when he was yelling at me about this so I know this really isn't good for either one of us. I don't know what more I can do to make him realize that this is the very max I handle. help!!!
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  #2  
January 3rd, 2006, 12:48 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 1,668
Whew...what a sticky situation!

My DH and I have been together for 10 years now. When we first got together, my MIL and I fought like crazy (to the point where she pulled a gun on me while she was drunk - as if that was an excuse!). And the worst part was that my DH did not stick up for me either because he didn't want to cause "waves" (as if there wasn't ones already) - even to this day he's a big time mamma's boy and I hate it. My DH has a sick complex about it as well.

The thing is, I've learned to accept my situation and do my best to distance myself from "his" family because I love my DH to the fullest of my heart and find that he's worth the effort. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but the easiest way for me to deal with it was to overlook some of the stupid little things she does otherwise they just pile up into bigger and bigger things. And I keep in mind that she is still "his mother" and the only one he'll ever have in his life (I sure don't want to take her place).

I guess the thing I'm saying most is that things will calm down with time...when she learns to accept you otherwise you are going to have to sit down and be honest with yourself and decide how long you are willing to put up with it. I had to do that.....and I almost left DH but his good qualities way outweighed the bad. Not to mention, he matured as he got older (as I'm sure your BF will too). How long have you been together? It took almost 8 yrs before his mom and I were even on speaking terms (and I still have some bitterness at times so then I (politely) refuse to be around her).

I also don't take any abuse from MIL and FIL (yes, they have both been nasty to me). Just remember that no matter how hard you try, you cannot change your BF...the way he is was the way he was raised (and unfortuanately by that woman)...it's something that he is going to have to learn and change for himself.

It sounds like he was turning things on you because he's frustrated and doesn't know what to do. By writing the letter to his mom is a big step and you should give him credit for that. It's not an easy thing to do.

Give him some time....but let him know where you stand as well. I know you're frustrated, and I am sometimes too, but there is more to life than a nasty old lady who has the maturity of a teenager (heck, my teenage girls acted better than his parents did at times). The most important thing right now is taking care of the baby and added stress never helped anyone.

Good luck to you....I just wanted you to know that you are not alone...there are plenty of us who are in the same boat as you.
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  #3  
January 4th, 2006, 10:51 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 141
Thanks pcgirl. It's really nice to know that there are some people out there who understand what I'm going through. (Though it sucks that any of us have to go through it to know what it feels like!!)

It's so absolutely true that he turned things on me because he's frustrated. He admited to that when I asked him what I did to deserve him turning on me like that after he okayed it in the first place...He keeps saying that's he's stuck in the middle. But if he just stepped back, left it alone and let us (both his mom and I) deal with things on our own, he would find that he'd feel a lot less pressure to "choose sides". Because this whole things isn't even about him. It's between his mom and I. And as for her, well, the only thing I ask from her is that she show a bit of effort around me. Talk to me about the baby, ask about the baby...I'm in no way asking her to change her view on things and be happy and giddy about it. If she wants to be negative about this, fine, I say let her. But if she wants to have a relationship with me, she needs to know that it's not free. She has to show me she's willing to accept and acknowledge both the baby and I as a package deal by being able to speak about it in my presence (not "always conveniently" when I'm not arround...It seems I'm the only person she refuses to talk to about it and yet I'm the only one who's upset about it! Go figure!). And so until she takes the next step, as I've already done more than my share of trying, I don't feel comfortable around her, and I don't need her stressing me out. It's up to her now.
As for my b/f, well he really needs to smarten up. I can't keep letting him put me through this kind of stress every time "he lets his emotions run away with him". If he's upset about being in middle, it's up to him to take himself out of it. He's putting himself there needlessly because he's trying to play the advocat and I'm the one taking the hit for it. If he can't see that this is too much stress for me to handle, and just make the effort to keep that kind of stuff to himself while I'm pregnant, he's going to have to get lost. Because it's not worth it for me to put my baby's life and health on line by staying with him, if that's how he's going to be.
Again, thanks for the advice!
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  #4  
January 4th, 2006, 12:32 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 1,668
Good luck to you and you're welcome. It's a long, hard struggle, I know.

Remember, things aren't going to change over night so be patient. Your MIL will come around when she realizes that you are the mother to her grandchild and will have to abide by your rules when it comes to your child.

Your BF is in the middle because he obviously loves the both of you...he'll figure it out.

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Mom to Jessica - 19 yrs old, Amber - 18 yrs old, Sebastian - 2 months
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  #5  
January 4th, 2006, 05:00 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Detroit Lakes, Minnesota
Posts: 50
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WOW! I got a headahce reading all that. I can imagine how you feel!!!! ######...
I see shes not visting now. Good thing on your part. I really think you should just get some time away. Now would be a good time to pack up and stay with someone. The stress seems to be really affecting you. It seems its only getting worse. So getting away for a couple of weeks would be a very very good idea! At least just to clear your head, change of atmosphere and some time to breathe. This baby thing could be just overwhelming for them as well, and they just don't know how to positively react?? Who knows? Or maybe their are just totally dysfunctional. He sounds like a real mommas boy. He does need to start learning to show you more respect! You have ever right to be in the same spot in his heart as his mother. You are carrying your guy's baby. Your the mother of that child. You deserve way more respect and better treatment.
All and all, right now I really think right now you should leave for a couple of weeks. See what goes from there. Take each day as it comes. Don't let yourself worry if you go away. Take the time to rejuvenate and relax.
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