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Over or Under reacting???


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
January 19th, 2006, 10:06 PM
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Well, as some of you read in my previous posts, I'd been having some issues with my MIL and this pregnancy...To sum it up: Not supportive, refuses to talk about baby or pregnancy in my presence and has been making me feel extremely uncomfortable through the course of this pregnancy (what with all the "subject changing" and avoiding conversations about baby and pregnancy). I'm half way done! Time to face the facts donchya think??? Ok so fine, I'd come to determine she would come around on her own time and that this wasn't anything personal. And as this has been stressing me out to the max, I had decided WITH MY B/F that it would be best for mine and the baby's health right now if I just kept my distance from her (not so hard as she lives in another province). B/F AGREED AND EVEN SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH ME (yes I know, totally geeky, but very important to me) THAT HE WOULD NOT TURN ON ME ABOUT THE DECISION WE'VE MADE AS A COUPLE REGARDING THE DISTANCE FROM HIS MOM DURING THE COURSE OF THIS PREGNANCY...
Well as it turns out, she's planning yet antoher visit, and of course HAS to stay with us (!!!!!) and my b/f again is not standing up for me. He's agreed to let her stay here, EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS THIS WILL CAUSE ME TO LEAVE MY OWN HOME AND POSSIBLY NOT RETURN UNTIL I'VE HAD THIS BABY (5 months to go) IF AT ALL!!!!!!! OK so contract and most importantly, A PROMISE TO ME, broken AGAIN!!!! this is now the fourth time!!!! He called her to try to explain to her that I'm uncomfortable around her and that she needs to make more of an effort to show me that she's accepting me as part of her family, and as she's pretty loud on the phone to begin with, I got to hear her say stuff like "why should she have to? He's her son, she loves him, not me, so why would she have to make the effort to show me anything? She doesn't need to do any of that...ect...It's not like as if I'm her daughter...she's coming down to visit, what more do we expect her to do? (duh lady! that's the problem! you're visiting when you're making me totally uncomfortable)...." in other words "I don't want to have a close relationship with her, she's not family and never will be."
Wow, harsh! But as my b/f says, that's just how she is, she won't change, so it's up to me to change! WHY ON EARTH SHOULD I HAVE THAT WOMAN IN MY HOME WITH HER HAVING THAT ATTITUDE ABOUT ME???!!!! (sorry guys, I'm not yelling at you, I'm yelling at the situation) I'm just some girl that just so happens to be dating his son, and she in no way wants to get to know me, or get remotely close to me the way that most families do when a couple either gets married or enters a serious relationship. And HE'S OK WITH ALL OF THIS!!!! but yet he SOMEHOW wants us to get along and have a good relationship!!! How can we if she doesn't want that????!!!!! I'm so hurt! Anyways, who cares about that selfish old woman anyways! Let her not have anyone get close to her apart from her precious little boys and we'll see who's lonely later in life when she's old and falling apart!!! I certainly won't be there for her when that day comes!

URGH WHATEVER!!!! My problem right now is HIM!!! He broke his promise to me for the fourth time!!!!!! Not only did he ok her staying here in what is also known as MY HOME TOO but he fought with me again about it! Told me everything was just in my head and that I'm the one who needs to change! He sat there on the phone with her listening to all that stuff about how SHE'S not uncomfortable, so why should she change anthing for someone who's not family and never will be, and yet he still has the nerve to tell me it's all in my head!!!!!
So she's coming here regardless of how I feel about this, and he just seems to not UNDERSTAND the severity of ME LEAVING!!!! The fact that I might not come back!!!! and yet he STILL can't make other arrangements for her???? Like I told him, I would never ask him to choose between his mom and me! All I asked is that for the remainder of this pregnancy that he respect my decision to not be around her until she make the effort to talk to me about this baby in a positive way, and show me that she also wants a relationship with me. Why would I try to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with me???? But he's not respecting that! I'm soooo upset! On top of all of this, I've just had a horrible day, came home crying after work about how upset I am that my stupid doc won't help me in finding out the sex of the baby, and that there's nothing I can do about it! And he has the nerve to pull this on me today of all days!!!!

Ok, so as per usual, I've ranted on and on about my horrible life...I need advice here! Am I totally overreacting? I'm just so lost! I don't want to leave him but he keeps breaking his promises! I can't handle it anymore! I said that the last time and I feel so stupid for trusting him again! Why can't he just make the sacrifice for a few more months of either him going down there to visit her, or find other arrangements for her while she's here? I'm not stopping him from seeing her! I would never do that! All I ask is that for now, I don't want her staying here! That's all! It's like one minute he's so understanding, and boom! the next he's blaming this on me and telling me it's all in my head and I need to get over it, just like that!!! HELP!!!
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  #2  
January 20th, 2006, 09:10 AM
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How would your BF react if you left when his mom was visiting? Maybe that will open his eyes.

You aren't going to be able to change his mother....and he's sticking by her because "thats his mother - the only one he has". Would you want that same kind of loyalty from your future child....that no other man or woman would seperate you from your child? I'm sure that's part of what he (and your future MIL) is feeling.

If the situation were reversed, I'm sure you would make an effort to get along...have you tried pointing that out to him?

Brigitte, I really feel for you because I've been in your shoes. Just keep in mind that things will change over time.

My 17 (almost 18) yr old daughter is dating a man that DH and I absolutely hate. He's a criminal, drug abuser, and a child molester in our eyes (he's 23 - statutory rape). Still, she insists on seeing him and even was talking about being engaged to him (I hope that doesn't happen). If that happens, and they have a baby, I know DH will refuse to speak to them for awhile...and I might even have some coping issues. But, eventually, I will come around (and so will he) because I will want to see my future grandchildren....just like I'm sure your BF's mom will do too.

She maybe acting like a total b*tch right now, but trust me when I say that a new baby brings all kinds of families together.



Good luck to you!
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  #4  
January 20th, 2006, 10:23 AM
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Ohh, man I am sorry. My MIL isnt the greatest but she's very supportive most of the time. I hope things change for you.
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  #5  
January 20th, 2006, 10:42 AM
zoey's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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If its really stressful being around her (I can relate it took my MIL 7 years to accept me), and you have somewhere you can go, then I personally would go. Its not worth the stress and pain to sit through some rude bia's comments while you carry his kid, and her grandchild. His just as much his doings as it is yours that the baby is there, and respect from her is not that much to ask for. I don't know whats wrong with some of these moms but they need a kick in the head. My dh's mom was/is like that too. We were "living in sin" and she hated me until oh Thanksgiving of this year, we've been together for 7 years. Its pathetic. These moms must think their kids are total idiots when they pick their partners. Nice of them to think that about their "pride and joys".
Anyway, honestly, if you have somewhere you can go, Id go. Id go and relax and just enjoy my pregnancy. But thats just me, and I make rash decisions sometimes.
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  #6  
January 20th, 2006, 01:28 PM
Cyndee's Avatar Mommy to 3 tagalongs
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Ok first thing hon.. I know alot of people may not totally agree with me.. But take from someone who has been married going on 9 years and going on their 3rd child.. No matter what you say or he says.. Nothing can change the relationship between him and his family.. I have dealt with this problem all our marriage.. I know he should put you and the baby as first priority.. But men have a different way of thinking... If I left or got mad everytime Charles did something like this we would of been divorced along time ago.. I might not like my inlaws but I stand by my hubby.. And go with him in support of him.. Believe me things like this don't usely change

And believe after 9 years my MIL treats me so so to my face.. And then sticks a knife in my back.. Many of mine and my hubby's fights have started because of her..
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  #7  
January 20th, 2006, 03:14 PM
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Usually I don't spill my persoanl history over the internet but I gotta say your story hit home in the oddest way and maybe by hearing a similar tale played out over thirty years you can see what you have to do now!

My Mother and Father had an extremely similar tale. (By the way most of the story comes via my Mother and maternal Grandmother).

My mom and my grandmother (let's call her Ann) never got along. No major fight before the marriage but when the babies started coming that's when the trouble began. First off when my mom delivered her first and it was a stillborn Ann came into the room afterwards screaming 'you killed my grandbaby' over and over. That right there should give you the first clue this woman wasn't quite right.

Anyway over the years and subsequent two children there was no 'fighting' but considerable hostility and tension between the woman. Over the next 20 years nothing changed. The woman never got along, there were some knock down dragouts along the way. Eventually my Mother would always suck it up and make nice when we visited or she visited but never went out of her way. Not exactly the best way to live but it worked.

The problem with it and what I see very similar with your case and my mother's is the son/husband's response. My Father never got involved. He always went with the path of least resistance (i.e. doing what his mother wanted). He never thought it was a big deal for my Mom to constantly be insulted, eat crow or feel miserable. His theory was just pacify Ann until she leaves.

Needless to say this did nothing for their marriage. Over the last few years the mother/daughter barrier has been lifted and we've gotten to know one another simply as women and she admits that Ann created many problems in their relationship. She has told me on occasion that the marriage might have been saved had he stood up to his Mother and supported her more.

Not sure if I've gotten my point across or not but the similarites are there and I don't want to see the pain I saw in my Mother's eyes in yours in thirty years.

I'm not saying you should give him ultimatums or say me or her (none of those worked for my mother) but I want you to realize that you need to be strong for yourself and do what's right for you now and tomorrow.
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  #9  
January 20th, 2006, 05:48 PM
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Brigitte,
I kind of agree with Cyndee on this one. If he has broken his promise four times already as well as a signed contract, then leaving will not make him realize anything. If I were you, and I know this will be extremely difficult, but, I would just outright confront her. Don't make it as if you are blaming her for anything, just tell her how her actions make you feel - things like, "When you ignore the situation, it makes me feel like sh**." or something like, "If your not excited about this baby, I understand, but please acknowlede the situation." Probably not so harsh but, put it in words that you know she'll comprehend. Possibly do this over a glass of wine. Who knows, maybe she'll open up to you about some things. As for your b/f, he will always be loyal to his mother, but he does need to know when he needs to be supportive of your feelings and not blow them off. I hope things work out for you!
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  #10  
January 20th, 2006, 07:10 PM
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Don't leave!

Thisall comes down to territory for the MIL.

The son is HERS! you are just the floozy that got pregnant to trap him into a relationship! (THIS IS WHAT IS IN HER MIND)

Don't run after her, don't try to impress her, Don't sacrifice your happiness just to make her happy.

Rub it in her face!

You are going to have a baby to the man you love..........Don't worry about her.

AS FOR HIM!!

TORN!!! between his love and duty to you and his mother. Confront her when he is around, get sown on your knee and propose in front of her! .....LOL could you imagine the look on her face?

Sorry that I have no real answers, you need to decide what is right for you and your baby.
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  #12  
January 20th, 2006, 07:26 PM
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Quote:
I thought you were serious about the proposing thing I was like hold up, don't listen to her!!!!!!! lol NOOO [/b]

Wouldn't that make things interesting.....

All I think is that hopefully once bub comes she will mellow out, yet then again she might go control freak and try to "take" bub.

I hope it isn't the latter! Does she have other grandkids or is this her first??
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  #14  
January 21st, 2006, 08:22 AM
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OMG! I can't believe she threw herself a shower! For one, who honestly would go to a granny shower? I wouldn't! I don't go to showers to support anyone but the new mommy and the baby (oh yeah, right, and the daddy but ususally he's not at the shower). I don't buy all that stuff for someone else to keep it at their place! But, at least she cares about the little beaner! My MIL won't even acknowledge to my face that I'm preggers, so I think the chance of her throwing a Granny Shower at the very least is totally out of the question. She made it clear the other day that she has no place in her life for anyone but her three boys.

Well, to update, the night I wrote the post above, I slept on the couch because I was so upset with him. And last night I spend the night at my mom's. Things have gotten condiserably worse, (at least for now) as my b/f sent us both an email yesterday saying that we need to work out our own problems. He went over it again with her (told her how her uninvolvement was hurting the both of us, and that all he wants is for her to make the effort to get closer to me and see me more than just the knocked up g/f)...Her response was the following: "stop exaggerating and get over it", "Brigitte, you're not my daughter, I don't know you, there's distance, how do expect me to get close to you", "I don't call or talk to any of the other g/f in my boys' lives, so what's the prob? None of my friends do so why should I?" "Girlfriends always see the MIL as "the menace" so stay close with your own mom and I'm fine with that..."

Anyways, the response wasn't good. To sum it up, "I'm not changing a darn thing, you two have to change. I'm not doing anything wrong." I wrote back and told her just what I thought of her and the way she's acting. Don't worry my chicas! My mom acutally helped me write it so believe it or not, all of the "why are you being such a horrible b*tch about this, you're son needs you so suck it up and get off your high horse" were all replaced wtih things like "all he's asking is for us to have a relationship that's more than just a polite façade while face to face...he wants us to be a family. So for the sake of him and this baby, is that so much to ask for?"
I'm actually quite proud of my response, though I'm SURE my b/f will find something wrong with it and take it out on me. I'm not quite sure what to do about him just yet. I'm still very upset, and feel so out of place around him. He's made it so clear that that woman can do no wrong and if she does, I'm the one who either caused it or will have to suck it up, put up with the disrespect and get over it. I'm just not sure I'm capable of doing this for him. I love him, but I don't think anyone can/should love someone enough to get walked on by letting people disrespect them and not stand up for yourself. At the end of the day I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and deal with that.
Well again you've all been so great! Thanks so much! I'll keep you guys updated on how things go down after all these emails!!!!!! aaaaahhhhh!
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  #16  
January 21st, 2006, 10:55 PM
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I have something to add.. Do you think that maybe she is doing this to get your goat?? That maybe she doesn't want you with her son and she is trying to make you so mad that you will leave him.. That is what my MIL tried so long to do with me and my hubby.. She had successfully broke up everyone of his prior relationships and all of his sister's relationships.. And when I wouldn't budge.. She brought out the big guns... And still to this day she tries.. I am just glad my hubby has gotten wise to her.. I mean he still holds her up on a pedastal but he doesn't let her trash me..
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  #18  
January 22nd, 2006, 03:25 PM
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Ok so the results are in....

After the email I wrote to her letting her know that her and I having this "close relationship" was for HIM, not me so much and that this shouldn't be such a hard thing to ask from her....she gets back with the same response: nope not gonna do it.
I guess as an "outsider" (as she sees me anyways lol) in this family, I just don't get why her trying this closeness thing with me is so freaking hard for her to do for him. I'm more than willing to give it. All she has to do is accept me as a package deal. But, sadly after all of this, it's just not going happen. I wrote her back with "I think we can agree that we both don't want to have this close relationship with eachother, but I did try for Mitch's sake. You've made it clear that you're just not going to do this for him, so I'm sorry but he's just going to have accept that you and I will never be close like he wants. I can't give him something that involves you if you're just not willing to work with me on it."

Can you guess what his response was to all of this?? "I'm so proud of you Brigitte, you now know my mom. You now know that she just doesn't get close to the girlfriends, and so you don't need to have your feelings get hurt by her not getting close to you anymore. It's nothing personal. It's just her way."

I almost sh*t a brick! My response was along the lines of "Listen here, buddy! You told me when we first started dating that her and I were to have a close relationship or I'm out the door. You said that she likes having a close relationship with the g/f's and that you've had problems with your other g/f's not giving her that in the past and you wouldn't put up with it again, because mom is #1 no matter what. But when I got pregnant and she wouldn't even acknowledge it, I couldn't give that to her. Even if it took until the baby being born, I would wait for her to come around. Until then, the stress you've put on me to have this "close" relationship with her was too much so I asked for a bit of distance to relieve the stress, but you weren't respecting that! So I pushed and pushed for her to just come around and be okay with this baby, by making her aware that I was uncomfortable, and in order to have this close relationship, she would have to show ME some support about the baby. After her refusing time and time again, you treated me like I was failing at giving you and her this close relationship you both wanted because I couldn't get over her being ok with me but not the baby situation. Then that night you called her on the phone to ask her again to do this for me so that I could continue to be close to her, and wouldn't you just bloody well know it!!!! She outright said that she didn't want a close relationship with me, she's not here to love me or anyone, apart from her 3 boys. Girlfriends aren't family! And you KNEW she felt this way all along!!!!!! You made me believe that this was all for her because she wanted it, and if I didn't give it you'd leave me. All along she never wanted it either! What the hell were you thinking by forcing this on me knowing bloody well that no matter how hard I tried she woudn't go for it!???"
He answers "I guess this is just what I wanted, and figured if you at least did it, she would come around, but I guess I knew she would never."

I sat there, baffled! All this time, he knew how stressed out I was about feeling like a failure in this attempt to be her friend, put my baby's health at risk for it, all the while knowing that no matter how hard I tried it would never work?? Put me through all that for NOTHING!!!!! Most importantly put my baby though all that for nothing!!!! What a coward!! What a jerk!!! Then he tells me that if I need space from her that it's ok now, but she's still coming here and if I need space I have to go somewhere else...

I'm not budging, not for her, and certainly not for him. That woman wants to come here to stay and he doesn't give a crap about how I feel about that? GOOD! I'll show them both just what I think of them and how they do things in this family. She wants to change the subject of the baby, I'll call her on it. He wants to tell me how I'm not trying enough to be nice to her, I'll make bloody well sure I remind him that HER AND I both dont' want a close relationship with eachother, so if he keeps pushing it, both baby and I are out the door.

I cannot believe him and his nerve! FOUR MONTHS of this! ARGH ! ALL FOR NOTHING! I've told him I don't trust his promises anymore, so he's going to have to prove them to me. He's promised if i let her stay here this time again, next time he'll go down there to visit her. Yeah, right, we'll see.
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  #19  
January 22nd, 2006, 08:51 PM
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Is she going to love the baby as a whole OR only the half that her son contirubted??

SHE SOUNDS WHACKO!!!!

OMG, It's Monster In Law but in real life!

If she treats you this way....how will she treat the baby??

Is yours her first grandchild?
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  #20  
January 23rd, 2006, 03:01 PM
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Ok, so all has now calmed down. *sigh of relief*....

B/f spent all day making phone calls to everyone who got involved in this (his mom, his aunt, his two brothers...ect) to get things cleared up. He made sure to explain to everyone that this was something that got out of hand because of him, and blablabla...Anyhoo, the result is, MIL isn't coming down anymore, at least not this week. He's told her that we need to have a stress free household for a little while to let things settle in, and if she really wanted to come down, then she'd have to get a hotel. He's told her that this week is all about him and I, and will be dedicated to us working things out so we don't need outsiders, so to speak, coming in and sort of being in the way of that. She may come down sometime in the next couple of weeks. I'm ok with that.
To make it up to me, he's going to be taking me out somewhere nice, so that I can wear my maternity dress (gorgeous!!! and fancy!! I couldn't resist! It was on sale!!!), and so that we can finally celebrate the news about the baby. (My pregnancy journal has a spot for "how did you celebrate the news" and ours is blank!! lol).
He's again, put on the charm and won me back with his sweet talking and those sexy blue eyes of his....*sigh*....Maybe I'll end our two month "dry spell" this week

Thanks for all your support!!!!!
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