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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
January 21st, 2006, 08:14 AM
Telucero's Avatar Veteran
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I was wondering what you ladies think is excessive when it comes to drinking? When I found out I was pregnant my fiance wanted to get married right away, I told him only if he started to drink less. He has calmed down since then only drinking on weekends, but lately I feel like all he wants to do is get drunk every weekend. Like last weekend, he was sh**-faced on saturday, woke up Sunday still drunk and went to the bar at 11:00AM "to watch the game" came home and proceeded to drink a six pack, now is it just me or is this excessive? I do need to say that this is not something he does EVERY weekend. The one thing is, when he does drink he doesn't know how to have just 3 or 4 at a time. He has to make it the six pack. Am I making any sense to anyone? Maybe it was my mistake that when we first met we would go out all time to the bars, I guess I was sending an unintentional message. All I know is that now I feel like I hate him. I dont know what to do. In no way does he mistreat me, he tries to make me happy all day, everyday. He has been so supportive and excited about the pregnancy. Please tell me your thoughts.
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  #2  
January 21st, 2006, 09:47 AM
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I dont beleive any drinking is ok, most would say the same thing. However, when you consider itailian people they drink a glass of red wine everyday and other cultures as well, but what you need to consider for yourself is whether your italian. I beleive that specificly italians are accustom to drinking during pregnancy (not to mention every day), so there bodys metabolize the alcohol faster, hey have developed a high tolerence. Either way, any drinking can be harmful to your child, leaving your child with birth defects or fAS (fetal alcohol syndrom). It all comes down to you and what you feel is right!!
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  #3  
January 21st, 2006, 10:26 PM
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I think he is drinking too much. But like you say, how much is too much? I see a behavior here that is only gonna get worst down the road. I mean, the 6 pack is gonn turn into a 12 pack one day. But on that day, you will probably be hangin out with him, drinkin again too, and it won't matter so much. So take this for what it's worth....your pregnant and he's not. Give the man a little credit. He tries to make you happy, and he's gonna stick with you. No man is perfect. I'm not saying to excuse his drinking all weekend, but let me tell you, it could be lots and lots worst. He could be getting drunk, all the time, every night, and beating you up. This time too shall pass. Don't hate him. Let him know it bothers you, and ask him to show you some compassion and consideration during the rest of this pregnancy. He might let up. But don't hate him, he loves you.
Just my 2 cents.
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  #4  
January 21st, 2006, 10:49 PM
Cyndee's Avatar Mommy to 3 tagalongs
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Drinking in moderation is ok to a point.. But just think of it this way.. The money he spends on his liquor what ever it may be.. Soon adds up.. And it isn't cheap.. And what does he have to show for it.. A cheap buzz and a hang over.. This money he is spending could be saved and spent on a better cause... THE BABY...
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  #5  
January 22nd, 2006, 12:03 PM
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Well, I'd say trust your instinct. What's he like when he's drunk? Is he abusif? Is he funny? Is he annoying? If his drinking is affecting your life, your finances together, your household in a negative way, then yes, it's too much. If his drinking is just something you don't like him doing but he's not hurting himself (alcohol poisoning, letting his drinking affect his work/professional life, ect...) or you or the baby, then I'd say you may just have to take it with a grain of salt and let it be for now.

Just remember though, his drinking right now may be okay (even if it's annoying to see him slobbering drunk on weekends...I mean, let's face it, how attractive is that?? ), this won't be okay when the baby comes. He needs to remember, there are no weekends off of kids! It's a 24-7 job, and he needs to be responsible with that at all times. Sure one or two beers shouldn't hurt because it's below what his limits are. But him drinking to the extent he is now can and will put the baby at risk. Imagine him drunk like that and he wants to hold the baby...Being sh*t faced and holding a baby is NOT okay! He could drop him/her, he could stumble over and fall while holding the baby...So many reasons why it's not even worth it, not even just once, to let him be around the baby in that condition. Of course he doesn't want any harm to come to the baby, but remember, a drunk person is never thinking straight and can't control their motor skills like they could while sober. You need to let him know that if he needs to get this out of his system now, fine. (of course as long as it's not hurting anyone). But once the baby is out of the womb, if he continues drinking like that, he won't be allowed to be around the baby. (and if he actually does get stinking drunk with the baby around, it'll then be time for intervention and he's going to have to get some help).

I hope this all works out. And as for hating him...Well, I went through the same sort of thing with my man...Different situation though. My guy is OVERLY sensitive and always takes things so personally. I was soooooo unattracted to that! I want a guy who is stronger than me, not just as emotional! hehehe...And yeah, I felt like OMG , this is who I'm having a kid with!!! EW!! I hate him!
But you know what, with a bit of communication, and realizing that before the pregnancy I found his sensitivity a little charming, I'm not struggling with it so much. (but believe me, I do still have my moments with that!). Maybe you just need a bit more communication and think about what your feelings were towards him before the baby came.
Good luck honey!
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  #6  
January 22nd, 2006, 03:50 PM
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I would say that is excessive. Sounds like an alcoholic if he can't just stop at 3-4 drinks. One or two is ok to me but still drunk the day after he went to the bar......now that means he had a s*** load to drink! I don't know what to tell you about how to fix the problem so good luck with accomplishing that but I do agree with you about the excessive thing.
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  #7  
January 22nd, 2006, 04:56 PM
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I'd have to agree with Brigitte here. You need to talk to him about this before the baby comes, but do it sometime when he's totally sober and you can both be reasonable about it.

There was a situation here in my town about a year ago where a young couple had two kids. A toddler and a newborn. The father apparently, very much like your fiance, like to drink quite a bit (read: excessively) on weekends or whatever. I guess he didn't do it all the time, but frequently enough. So one evening, the mother wasn't feeling well and went upstairs to lay down and left dad in charge of watching the kids. When she came back down (I'm not sure if it was later that night or early the next morning) they couldn't find the baby. Well, what happened was the dad had started drinking beer and, thinking he could "handle" drinking while watching the kids, ended up passing out on top of the baby. They found him dead down inside the couch. Now, the mother has had her other child taken away from her for leaving him alone with the father (they considered her negligent) and he's in prison for negligent homicide. The point is, you need to make your fiance understand that, even though he would never mean to, horrible things can happen when someone drinks excessively around helpless children!

I'm not trying to scare you or be judgmental or anything, but I'm sure he would never want anything bad to happen and if he's really good to you otherwise, maybe you can get him to see that he needs to get this under control, the sooner the better! Good luck!
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  #8  
January 22nd, 2006, 05:37 PM
Athey's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My uncle was an alcoholic. My mom tells me stories about when she and her sisters were teens and how he was such a fun and charismatic guy, and he and his friends would get sh*tfaced and hang out at bars and have fun and all that stuff...
He was a 'fun guy' when he was younger and got drunk. He wasn't a 'fun guy' when I knew him... My mom was the youngest and didn't have me until she was 35 (while my two aunts both had their first kids around 18 and 19). So there's a big age gap between me and my cousins.

I was 16 years old when he died.
I don't even know what he died of, or if it had anything to do with his drinking so much or anything else... But when he died, there weren't exactly a lot of sad people to grieve his passing.

He may have started out as a fun drunk on the weekends, but his kids are all miserable, and my aunt who was married to, and put up with his ##### for all those years, are all really messed up.

Everyone in the family always whispered and spoke behind closed doors about how she should leave him. About how horrible he was when he was drunk. About how bad he got. About how miserable he made everyone around him.

We liderally held a wake party when he died, and I can tell you that the we weren't celebrating that he was 'in a better place', we were celebrating that he was gone.

Its sad that a person can become so nasty, when they were considered so much fun and such a charismatic great guy in his youth.

What I'm saying is that I've got all these family stories I grew up hearing about how miserable drunken dads made my cousins.

My aunt Marge put up with her drunken husband until he died. My aunt Betty couldn't stand her drunk and left him, leaving her to take care of three kids on her own.

Drinking can become such a horrible problem if it gets out of hand, and it sounds to me like your guy's drinking might be heading down that path.

If he used to drink more often and now he's cut it down to the weekends, that shows that maybe he's at least listened to your concerns. But it sounds like he still should cut down some. Maybe if you can just talk to him about your worries.

That it concerns you that he gets TOO drunk. That he needs to learn to hold back a little.

Just my .02 cents.

good luck with it.
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  #9  
January 22nd, 2006, 06:41 PM
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My husband and I were heavy drinkers before getting pregnant. So it was a major change in our life style to stop. I am 4 months along and have the occassional drink. So far my baby is healthy and I think if something does happen to him/her it would be a result of my eating disorder and not drinker (whole other issue). My husband has had a hard time cutting back even though when we talked eventually he was going to stop. He's doing better but it was bad at first. He drinks at least 3-4 nights a week but never gets flat out drunk, only tipsy some nights. He's got 5 more months to cut down. But I think having a baby will give him less time to enjoy a few beers. He's trying to quit smoking after 12 years too
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  #10  
January 22nd, 2006, 07:26 PM
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Ladies thank you so much for your words, all of them. I believe it is always good to have another set of eyes/ears in a situation. I now have a little more clearer way of thinking about the issue and one way or another, somehow we will come to a resolve.
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