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I told my parents last night ...


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
February 15th, 2005, 09:45 AM
jamie1005's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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They weren't too happy. I don't really blame them, but is it really that bad? My BF and I are 26 years old, we'll be 27 when the baby is born. We both have already graduated from college, though we are now in graduate school. We have always known we were going to get married, but don't want to rush into a quickie ceremony just because we're having a baby. We are very much in love and both excited about being pregnant. The first thing my mom asked was, when are ya'll getting married. She's pushing the issue. I think that at 26 years old, it should be my decision. I'm upset because I know she's only worried about what others will think. My plan was to have the baby in October and get married when Wade graduates in May 06. We already know that he'll have a really good job right out of school, so we'll only truly "struggle" for about 7-8 months.

I really want opinions here. I think Wade was going to surprise me and propose so we'll be engaged when the baby comes. But both of us still want to have a nice wedding. We don't want a big huge deal and I'm not going to expect my parents to pay, its just really important to us. Ideally, I want to fly away and have a small, intimate beach wedding with just our parents in attendance. I know that to some people, its probably terrible to have a child without being married, but honestly, what is it going to help to get married so quickly? The baby is already conceived, its not like people aren't going to realize why we got married. Do I have any valid points here??
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  #2  
February 15th, 2005, 09:54 AM
LadyBelle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I got married when my 1st was 6 months old.Here we are 15 years later & noone cares we weret married all those years ago.Do what feels right for you guys!I think if you were engaged your parents might be more accepting & engagements can last a year or more
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  #3  
February 15th, 2005, 10:09 AM
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I'm sorry that your parents weren't more sopportive. I think your plans are excellent and you are right in choosing what is best for you. DH and I weren't married until 2 years after Ryan was born b/c we needed time to make sure that was what we both wanted. We got married on the carribean and had 15+ family members and friends there to share it with us. It was wonderful and, to this day, we are glad that we did it. Struggling for several months is nothing compared to the secure future ahead of you and will only make you appreciate things more. Don't let your parents "force" you to get married before you want. It sounds like you have some great plans and I honestly don't think it makes a difference to most people if you are married or not. Good Luck and let us know how everything goes.....I'm so excited for you!
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  #4  
February 15th, 2005, 10:15 AM
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IMO -- I wouldn't get married until I felt ready and it was time. Thats just me though. When my grandma got PG with my moms oldest sister, my grandma was forced by her mom to get married to "dad" [my grandpa]. They didn't get along, and they eventually divorced. Neither wanted to be married then, so they say, and it ruined there marrage. So I think that g etting married to please somebody else, and not when you are ready will hurt a marrage. BUT HEY, thats just what i've seen happen doesn't always happen i'm sure!
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  #5  
February 15th, 2005, 10:20 AM
jamie1005's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you guys so much ... it really helps to hear outside opinions and makes me feel a lot better. I'm just one of those people who worries more about other people's thoughts and feelings than I do my own. I'm so glad I found this site
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  #6  
February 15th, 2005, 10:34 AM
AUGMOM's Avatar Veteran
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God what would your mom and dad think of me I am 27 years old and I am on my 3rd baby. They are 7,4 and one on the way! You are a big girl now, they will learn to deal with it.
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  #7  
February 15th, 2005, 11:54 AM
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Hi...

I think you should follow your heart and decided on whats best for you.No one can make such huge decisions for you.

I was 21 when I fell preggo with Brianna and I got married when I was over 8 months pregnant.My hubby and I got married cos we wanted to.We wanted a small intimate wedding but our parents went overboard and outdone themselves!

I was about 3 months preggo with Brianna when I graduated from University.Then I fell preggo again with my 2nd baby girl,Caitlyn,when Bri was just over 2 months old.Im 23 now.I dont regret one single thing!Being young,Ive had people tell me all sorts of things on how to run my life,and all this from people who arent even my parents!

I agree that you are big and old enough to make your own decisions and know whats best for you and your baby.
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  #8  
February 15th, 2005, 11:58 AM
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Hey hun, don't get married because it's the 'right thing to do at the time' wait. I know a couple who have 5 kids and have been living together for 8 years and none of their friends think them horrible for not being married the only people who do aren't worth their time
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  #9  
February 15th, 2005, 12:39 PM
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I agree with the other girls. Heck my son is 15 months and his father and I still arent married. I call him my husband though and we live as a married couple. Marriage is just a piece of paper.
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  #10  
February 15th, 2005, 06:54 PM
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I am 25 and on my 4th kid....LOL. i did not marry dh until our 2nd was over a year old. it's just not the right thing for everyone. we just weren't ready. some say that we should not have had kids if we were not ready to get married but we just had to do what was right for us and i am glad we waited cuz it worked out for us. i'll bet your parents will lighten up a bit as time goes on....good luck and keep us updated on your pregnancy.
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  #11  
February 16th, 2005, 08:19 AM
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Everybody here is right - marriage has to be on your terms. The only thing I can think of for the other side of the argument is this: it might be less paperwork if you are married by the time the baby is born. I remember filling out something in the hospital (for SS# purposes, I think) where you had to list info about the father, and if you weren't married, it was a whole thing of paperwork and proving paternity etc - kind of a pain in the #####. Don't know if this was/is standard elsewhere, but just a heads up. Not that a couple of papers would be something to fear but hey I hate xtra paperwork and having to prove anything to the govt!!!

In short, don't worry about your folks - just keep reassuring them and I'm sure it will be fine.

Good luck and congrats on your baby!
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  #12  
February 16th, 2005, 10:29 AM
jamie1005's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My mom is slowly coming around, little by little. I live with my parents right now b/c I'm in graduate school and I only work part time, so I just didn't mention anything to them last night. Keeping a low profile and just letting things sink in. I told my younger sister last night, who's 21 and getting married 2 weeks after I'm due and I was so happy with her reaction b/c she was nothing but excited. She agrees with all of my plans. I do feel a little weird about the baby not having the same last name as me but I guess that really wouldnt' matter until she was older and by that time, Wade and I will be married.
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  #13  
February 16th, 2005, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by jamie1005@Feb 16 2005, 01:29 PM
My mom is slowly coming around, little by little.* I live with my parents right now b/c I'm in graduate school and I only work part time, so I just didn't mention anything to them last night.* Keeping a low profile and just letting things sink in.* I told my younger sister last night, who's 21 and getting married 2 weeks after I'm due and I was so happy with her reaction b/c she was nothing but excited.* She agrees with all of my plans.* I do feel a little weird about the baby not having the same last name as me but I guess that really wouldnt' matter until she was older and by that time, Wade and I will be married.
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My son doesnt have the same last name as me. It was wierd at first. Especially when people ask for your name and then look up his name under that (like at the dr.) and then you have to tell them you dont have the same last name. But you get used to it quickly.
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  #14  
February 17th, 2005, 06:31 AM
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We hyphenated our sons name just in case things didn't work out. I put my maiden name first. It is on the birth cert. legally but he only goes by the family name now. I didn't want to have a different last name from him and having to explain myself to school, hospital, etc. Just a suggestion. Good Luck.
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  #15  
February 17th, 2005, 07:50 AM
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Times have changed, you won't raise many eyebrows and not many people will think bad of you. Maybe some of mom's older friends, but who cares. you don't live with them. Its up to you and whats is best for your little family to be. If you want to wait so you can have what you want, wait. Don't let mom pressure you. Your wedding day should be a precious memory, so have the memory you want. If it gets to be too much just tell her that times have changed and this is acceptable in society now. Your a happy little family, you'll get the legal paper when the time is right. Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy.
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  #16  
February 21st, 2005, 11:52 AM
jamie1005's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Just an update: Mom is coming around and now seems very excited. She's only asked me one more time about getting married and it was only "Are you sure you're insurance won't add maternity if you get married?" I just told her that I've got everything taken care of and not to worry about me. Thank you all for your support and comments! Wade and I haven't talked about marriage further, but I'm still hoping that he's going to surprise me with a proposal in the next few months. We will still wait until after the baby is born for the wedding though.
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  #17  
February 21st, 2005, 12:01 PM
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For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing! I know that the demands of grad school can be tough, especially when you are also going through your first pregnancy and dealing with your parents. Take your time. My husband and I were together 8 years before we got married... we wanted to make sure we were ready. It wasn't that we didn't love each other... we just needed to get a few things done for ourselves first. While it isn't exactly the same, I know how it feels to be preassured to do something you aren't totally ready to do. Good luck with your family. I'm glad your mom is coming around.
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  #18  
February 21st, 2005, 12:03 PM
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That is good news! I hope everything goes just the way you want it to!



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  #19  
February 21st, 2005, 06:22 PM
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Congratulations!


It's kinda sad that your parents are more concerned with marriage than your pregnancy but they'll get over it, maybe it's just the shock. My sister has been living with her boyfriend for over two years, she got engaged and recently moved the wedding forward by 4 months. My parents assumed she was pregnant and started freaking out and she let them believe it to teach them a lesson. She's not pregnant. I think nowadays more children are born outside of marriage than inside of marriage.People don't talk about their husbands or wives anymore they talk about their partners. I don't think you should feel obliged to get married if you're not ready. I'm not a big fan of marriage but I do know one thing: I'm not sure what the law is like in the U.S. but I know that here that mothers are more protected by the law within marriage than out. ..which isn't fair.. but anyway.
I think you should do what you think is best for you, your baby and your boyfriend/fiance. The main point is that youre having a baby with someone you love and you're in a commited relationship. What more could your parents ask for? Congratulations, it's wonderful news.
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  #20  
February 21st, 2005, 06:38 PM
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My friend who was 21 at the time got pregnant and she was with her boyfriend for 4 years prior and as soon as she told her step mom she was pregnant she started pushing for her to get married because she is very religious. My friend didn't want to be pushed into marriage, since both of her parents had been through two divorces. She did what she believed in, that nobody should be pushed into marrying someone (whether they have plans to marry that person later on in life or not). Anyways she had the baby and her boyfriend proposed during the pregnancy. They baby will be one year in march and two weeks ago they got married and her step mom refused to help them pay for anything for the wedding (her father died last year) so it was hard for them, but they did what they wanted because it was their life. Now her step sister is 20 and pregnant and her mother is making her get married at 7.5 months pregnant and she is doing it, and its really hard for my friend to see this because her step mother is paying for everything for this huge lavish wedding for 200+ people. Anyways that was a long story, but I know where you're coming from and you should just do what you feel is right for the time. Getting married is huge and its not something you want to rush into. I hope everything turns out for the best with you, Congratulations!!
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