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My 17yr old DD is pregnant


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
February 16th, 2006, 08:14 AM
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I've posted this in my June DDC so if you have read this, please disregard.

Please Lord, give me the strength to get through this!

Well, it's confirmed via dr yesterday....my 17 yr old (she'll be 18 in April) baby is pregnant and I'm going to have my first grandchild in October. Lord knows I'm not ready to be a grandma and a newborn Mom at the same time.

DD's bf (a 24 yr old drug dealer/user) told her that he was going to "ohio to get a job and then send for her" (we live in WV) so I'm pretty sure she'll never see him again. Especially since he has nothing to do with his other two children from the other two girls. So that leaves me to make sure the baby has everything it needs (crib, clothes, food, a place to live, etc) because she can't even take care of herself, let alone a new life. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn' t the only person providing income in our household.....and the fact that I have my own baby on the way.

DH is very angry and will not support me at all in this. I tried to make arrangements with my dr so that her and I can save gas and go together (since she has no way to get there) and dh told me that if she goes, he wont and I'll have to do it all myself. He wants to kick her out....but I can't let my child and grandchild live on the streets so it's basically this: either he gets over it or leaves - at this point it makes no difference to me - I have way too many other things to worry about.

So now, what do I do? I can only cry over it and try to accept the fact that I can't control it....that I just have to accept it as well. My mom told me that maybe this was meant to be....why it took so long for me to get pregnant.....maybe God was just waiting for dd to get a little older because these two souls need to be together. I don't know....I can only despair. My heart is breaking and I feel like the universe is on my shoulders. The weight is almost too heavy to bear. But what can I do? I love my dd with all my heart and she is alone....she needs me right now.

Some days I feel like going to sleep and never waking again or wishing that I didn't exist. But then I look at my children (and my unborn child) and know what my purpose is....so I go on and do the best that I can.

So Lord, give me the strength to get through this one day at a time.
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  #2  
February 16th, 2006, 08:40 AM
nat81
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Oh hun! I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. I can't even imagine how difficult this has got to be for you and your family. I really hope your DH comes around... it would be so helpful for you to have that extra support.

It does seem like you have your mothers support wich is good. Maybe she'll be there to help out as well. Gosh, you're a wonderful mommy to stick by your DD and I'm sure she's greatful to have you. Hang in there and I truly hope everything works out...

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  #3  
February 16th, 2006, 09:00 AM
beckii's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Sometimes I pop into the mothers of teenagers forum just to read, and I happened to read what you posted about locking your daughter out of the house.. If her BF doesn't return, maybe that's what's best for both of them. The baby doesn't need that kind of bad influence in his/her life (however s/he does need a father figure).

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, especially not having the support of your DH. Maybe you and your DD should go see someone together so you can talk about this and get some things off your chest. Also, she can look at all of her options as well with someone who knows more about it legally (adoption, abortion, keeping the baby), not that I support abortion, but everyone is different.

All you can do is be there for her, I know that my mother helped me a lot through my pregnancy by just being there because my father basically just abandoned me when he found out. Like your mother said maybe this was meant to be. You need to look on the bright side of things as well, even though it may not seem like there is one.

Good luck with everything and keep us updated.
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  #4  
February 16th, 2006, 09:06 AM
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I'm sooo sorry you are going through this. I think your mother may be right though. It's all in God's plan

Quote:
So that leaves me to make sure the baby has everything it needs (crib, clothes, food, a place to live, etc) because she can't even take care of herself, let alone a new life.[/b]
She may surprise you. I know quite a few girls who couldn't take care of themself but as soon as that baby came they grew up VERY quickly and took care of their children wonderfully.

I'm very sad to hear about what your husband has to say about it though. Trust me as someone who was a teen mother (although I was married) that him being angry at her is just going to come back and bite him in the stinking arse later on. My mother told me to abort my first daughter and let me tell you I STILL resent her for it.

You are a GREAT mother and it sounds like you will support your daughter wonderfully. Personally I wish my mother had been young enough to be pg while I was pg. That will be a BIG comfort to your daughter. My mom's BABY is 20 now and she ca'nt remember much about her pregnancy at all
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  #6  
February 16th, 2006, 10:02 AM
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hey

Im just popping in. Im sorry this has happened and u are a great mother. Once your hubby sees te baby he may change his mind, but in some sense he does have a right to be upset.

as for your daughter. You may know this, buti having a child changes ur life and makes you grow up really fast. I have already had to grow up fast with living on my own since i was 15, but throw a baby in there i had to grow up even more!!! And believe me, it was a hard adjustment but im sooo happy i have her and wouldnt change it for the world. I am 20 btw.

Your daughter may be a lttle immature n ow, but a child will change her. My advice.. which u will do anyways by the sounds of it. Support her, but do not support her kinda thing. Make her take care of the baby, make sure she gets a job and helps bring money in etc.

In the end things happen for a reasona dnt hings will go find, it may be a bumpy road but you will get through it! goodluck!
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  #7  
February 16th, 2006, 11:36 AM
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i wish i had some advice for you, but I don't. all i can say is that you are in my prayers.
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  #8  
February 16th, 2006, 12:00 PM
Mom2DyJessAva's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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your a great mother to be there for her and support her...having your mom support u is one of the best feelings..shes gonna be thankful she has you there to help her!...my mom supports me and it brought us closer together..if it wasnt for her i wouldnt no what to do..the things i dont talk to her about i come here and the support i get here is great and the people here are great people..if she ever wants to talk about things you could tell her about this site (if u havent already) but u sticking by your DD is great and if i was in your situation id do the same
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  #10  
February 17th, 2006, 02:16 PM
Katie81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree with the others...you are a good mom to be supporting your daughter and providing assistance. I am due in May and this pregnancy was unplanned. Although I am not as young as your daughter, I am married, and completely support myself, I still needed the emotional support that came from my parents to get through the initial shock of being pregnant. Not to mention that they will be daycare while my husband and I work. if they had not responded positively, I do not think my pregnancy would have been nearly as good of an experience.

That said, she is responsible for this pregnancy and this is her child. You should be there for her and help her out, but I believe that she still has a responsibilty to provide for her child. Whether it is working to supplement the family income or going to school in order to increase her income potential, she should be making plans to start taking care of herself so that she can better take care of her child in the future.
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  #11  
February 18th, 2006, 07:56 AM
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I have to tell you that I think what you are doing is wonderful. You should be commended. I'm 21 years old, married, and just had my first baby. Although I am self-sufficient, I really needed my own mother. I have always been indpendent, but when I was in the delivery room, having her there was such a relief. It made me feel safe. Your daughter is younger and needs even more help. I think its great that you are willing to be there for her, despite what everyone else says. Just keep your faith, God will get you through this. If you weren't strong enough to handle it, God wouldn't be putting you through it. Just remember: "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." I will put you in my prayers.
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  #12  
February 18th, 2006, 08:00 AM
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Well im glad that you are not kicking her out. because i dont know what i would of done if i got kicked out when i got pregnant at 17. i know it must be harder on you since DH isnt standing by both of your sides and the fact you are having one of your own.. maybe he will come around even if its not till the baby is born. some of my friend fathers took them a while to get use to the fact that their daughter was pregnant. hopefully she will get a job and help you out a lil before the baby comes. just take it one day at a time and im sure you will be fine. good luck and take care
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  #13  
February 18th, 2006, 09:04 AM
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I was 16 when I got pregnant and 17 when I had the baby. My mom flipped out when she found out and her and her boyfriend both wanted me to get an abortion (also including my sister). I was expecting that kind of behavior but not for months and all they could tell me was I was getting fat and so fourth. Everynight I cried and wished I was dead. All I wanted was my family to be there and they were too selfish to do that, they thought I was selfish for not killing my baby!! I don't have a job but I do have a car. My boyfriend gives me gas money, I bring home some food through the program WIC, and I am in another program that is paying for my daycare. My mom barely has to pay for anything, only babywipes once in a while and I plan on getting a job in the summer, whenever my junior year is over. Just remember that nobody, even your DH, is not as important as your daughter and let her know that. That's where my mother made that mistake and it hurt me bad. Don't lose your daughter over this but get to know her better. Good luck with everything!
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  #14  
February 18th, 2006, 09:59 AM
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i have had SEVERAL friends who were in the same position. the best thing u could do right now is continue to be there for your daughter and encourage her to continue school and to start learning to do things on her own. like getting a job and getting her own place for her and her baby. i would say that when she is 18 she should learn to depend on herself and work for what she wants and needs. the worst thing would be to treat her like a child b/c she is getting older and needs to act like an adult especially now that she will be having a baby. it's true that u can't control ur daughters actions but u can be there for her...i am sure this time will be hard on her too. and probably scary. and as far as the dad goes....he's obviously not a real man if he can't take care of his own children. u can do without him anyway. the baby may not have it's birth father around but the support and love from his grandma and mom can often be enough to let him/her feel loved. good luck and may god help u both through this.
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  #15  
February 18th, 2006, 10:07 AM
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I think what youa rre doing is wonderful! However, I do disagree in someone saying that your daughter is more important than your DH. YES< you should put your children first, but you have to rememebr yoruself also, you're bringing a baby into this world WITH yOUYR DH, not your daughter. You have another baby to worry about. I do not think you should kick your daughter out, but I do think your new baby deserves a chance at a good family life with mommy and daddy around. I think you and DH and your daughter need to get some counceling, and I think your DH is very important and you shoudln't ignore where he is coming from, he's the father of your new baby! As much as you love your daughter, in this case I think your husband and baby need to come first, maybe she could move in with a relative, or get a job and help out with bills, or do something to show your DH she is trying. And as far as her ex-BF leaving, hunt him down and get him to pay child support, it DOES NOT need to be on your shoulders competely. And your daughter isn't 10, she's 17, old enough to have some responsibility, and as much as you lvoe her I beleive a little tough love is in need. She needs to knwo this baby IS HER RESPONSIBILITY, not yours, YOUR baby comes first to you. I pray everything works out, and I hope your DH realizes you need him, b/c you two needs to be together! Good luck hun!
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  #16  
February 18th, 2006, 06:31 PM
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Supporting your daughter, not only financially, but emotionally is so important. This is such a difficult situation you are in. I feel for you. I am 25, single and due in July - I left my fiance. My mother has been my saving grace through this whole pregnancy. She expressed to me that she was not at all ready for Grandmahood - that was early on, but now thats all she talks about, grandbaby this, grandbaby that. Although your situation is not ideal, please remember to have faith and confidence in your daughter. One of the best things you can do for her is to show her that you believe in her and her abilities. Please, never underestimate the abilities of your children. Take it from someone who knows first hand, the moment you show/tell her you feel she won't be able to provide for her child, she'll start to doubt herself. A young mother does not need self-doubt, being a new mom is hard enough. One thing which will defnitely be beneficial is to set the expectation for her that she will have to provide for this child, she made the decision to have unprotected sex, this is the consequence. I agree with what someone else said earlier, this will force her to grow up, fast. One thing to realize, there is no way to make this easier for her (as my mom keeps telling me she wishes she could) but being there as her mother is EXACTLY what she needs. As for you, remember to take care of yourself and don't get too stressed out, that is not good for you. Try to keep the communication between you and DH open, and straight forward, people only get hurt when the lines of communication are closed. He will come around eventually. I am sure at the moment he has a lot of fears he is not telling anyone about. Let us know if you need more support, we're here for you. God has a plan...we just have to wait and see what that is.
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  #18  
February 19th, 2006, 03:08 AM
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Quote:
I think what youa rre doing is wonderful! However, I do disagree in someone saying that your daughter is more important than your DH. YES< you should put your children first, but you have to rememebr yoruself also, you're bringing a baby into this world WITH yOUYR DH, not your daughter. You have another baby to worry about. I do not think you should kick your daughter out, but I do think your new baby deserves a chance at a good family life with mommy and daddy around. I think you and DH and your daughter need to get some counceling, and I think your DH is very important and you shoudln't ignore where he is coming from, he's the father of your new baby! As much as you love your daughter, in this case I think your husband and baby need to come first, maybe she could move in with a relative, or get a job and help out with bills, or do something to show your DH she is trying. And as far as her ex-BF leaving, hunt him down and get him to pay child support, it DOES NOT need to be on your shoulders competely. And your daughter isn't 10, she's 17, old enough to have some responsibility, and as much as you lvoe her I beleive a little tough love is in need. She needs to knwo this baby IS HER RESPONSIBILITY, not yours, YOUR baby comes first to you. I pray everything works out, and I hope your DH realizes you need him, b/c you two needs to be together! Good luck hun![/b]

I'm with MamaAshley in her opinion. I agree with all the other posts that you are wonderful and strong woman to be standing by your daughter at this point in her life, esp given your own circumstances, but I also think that your DH needs to be considered in this equation. I don't know him and how he is, but from everything I've read and heard and experienced, a child brought into the world simply does better when there's a father around. I know, I know - people grow up fine without dads. I'm just saying on the bell curve, its better to have a father in the picture, esp if this is someone who you love and married for love and is the other half of the creation inside of you now.
I don't know how you can get him to back down from the "its her or me" choice he's put on your shoulders, which is terribly hard, but it might be worth it to appeal to other people he loves - his family, his friends, someone who you both trust, I don't know - but there has to be a starting point of communication. He can't be made to accept this situation overnight, but the dire threats of leaving sound like a man who's been pushed over the edge. He can be angry, he can be upset, but hopefully there is capacity for being reasonable too. You - in addition to your 17 yr old - need all the support you can get.
As for your pg daughter, I agree with what others have said - its important to get her to talk to professionals about her options. I'm not at all in favor of abortion either, but it is a choice. So is adoption, and so is learning about programs and resources for teens who choose to keep their babies. You mentioned that her BF is a user and a dealer, and you also said that you believed your DD "cannot take care of herself".... I don't know if these are statements that mean she also has a drug problem, but if that's the case, I would urge that you help her find resources for that FIRST. Encouraging responsibility, like getting a job or taking steps to complete education, is all good and fine, but if she's behind the 8-ball on drug issues, it won't make a bit of difference. But if you are standing by her, and she feels she has an angel in his world with you, then perhaps she can pull herself out of despair. Perhaps this child will be a salvation for her.
May God bless you and help ease the Cross that is on your back.
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  #19  
February 19th, 2006, 07:39 AM
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Holy cow you got a lot of replies here!!
Big hugs to you! You need it right now! I can only imagine what you're feeling right now, finding out one of your babies is going to have a baby, then on top of that, add the hormones and pressure of being preggers yourself! Wow! Talk about a lot on your plate!
I just want to confirm what everyone else is saying here...Support is the best thing you can do for your daughter right now, regardless of what your DH says. And from the sounds of it, you're already doing that by just being there for her.
One of the best ways you can support her, is by teaching. Teach her how to do things independently, challenge her ability to take care of herself...This by no means is my way of saying kick her out! That's the last thing you should do right now! But just by making her do other things, like buy her own stuff for the baby, will help her out and teach her responsibility.
Mom's are soooooo incredibly important in a childs life, even when they're grown up. Talk to her in a supportive way, let her know you believe in her and stick by her...Just don't do things for her. Trust me when I say I know this from experience!! Hehehe! My b/f's mom has always done like everything for him, his cooking especially (right up until the day he moved out pretty much!), never taught him a thing in the kitchen, and always just gave him the answers to things rather than challenge him to figure things out on his own....and now, in his mid 20's, he's pretty much useless for a lot of things!! I mean, if someone's in the car with him and this person knows where they're going, he will miss every turn if that person doesn't give him directions because he's used to ppl giving him answers all the time instead of figuring things out on his own. And don't even get me started about what he's like in the kitchen...Let's just say I never knew anyone could burn kraft dinner before...Yeah!! Imagine what it's like for me, a VERY independent person, to be with someone who is just always sooooo clueless!!! YIKES!!
So best thing for your daughter right now, is force her to learn things, challenge her and teach her...And you know what, everything will be just fine!! Soon there will be two precious little babies blessing your family!! Wooohoooo!
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  #20  
February 21st, 2006, 05:14 PM
chelseamb's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I jsut wanted to give you a quick nudge... When i was 18 I gave birth to my son as well... i was 17 when i got pregnant and it was bad timing like yours. My mom was pregnant as well. She was 4 weeks ahead of me, and i had to live at home, but we made arrangments so that it wasnt like living off her...

After my brother and my son came along i babysat almost everyday and since i wanted to finish my schooling i did it from home when my mom when back to work so she didnt have to get a daycare...

also, i had my chores to do, and my own seperate space in the house. it was tough, and im sure my mom would like to tell you how horrid it was... but there are ways around it. and your DH will come around. you have to put your foot down, this is YOUR daughter, and YOUR grandchild and if you kick them out you could lose them forever... but make sure she makes a deal with you.. she works and pays you rent, or something. she cant live off you, thats not fair..
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