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Okay, I know this will somewhat long but I need major advice.... My husband is spanish and I'm american. I know we both came from different cultures but things are really srating to get on my nerves!!!! His relationship with his mother has hit an all time high. My hubbie went in the hospital for a very small procedure and I told his mother I would handle it and I would take him because I took off of work. Well she calls him the morning of and tells him she wants to go....she she went. I was fine until she started stroking and kissing my husband. I mean rubbing him!!!! His feet, picking at his face (like she was a monkey)!!, kissing him on the forehead, and totally babying him. Then I made her go get the car and she jumps out the driver's seat and tells me to drive, so I do, thinking she is coming in the front seat, cause he went in the back....She jumps out and gets in the back with him and puts his head on her lap...and she starts her stroking and kissing again!!!! UHHHGGGGGHH!!!!!
I know it may sound like I'm a litttle emotional.. but he is 26 years old and I'm starting to have a major complex about being a good "wife" She makes me feel less of a woman. Some people say it's just there culture....which is fine but I think it is totally un-exceptable for her to do that to him...when I am there and when he is 26 years old and having a child on the way!!!! What do ya'll think???? She also comes over un- announced...with out calling and he thinks this is okay!!!!! How do I cope with this woman...please help!!!!
I can relate somewhat to your situation, my mom spoiled me and my sister bad, and it gets on my boyfriend's nerves A LOT. But, I can understand her side, he is her baby, no matter how old he gets, although it is a little (ok more then a little..) extreme.. I think the only real thing you can do is laugh it off.. Hopefully she'll back off more once the baby is born, or you can even ask your husband to talk to her about it.
beckii ... momma to my beautiful princess Mikayla Lynn 01.18.06
My mother-in-law is like that too!!! She lives over 3,000 miles away *thank god* and the first time she came to visit she was unbearable. My husband was sitting on our bed, helping me fold clothes and his mother sat down beside him and literally wrapped her legs around his waist and started nibbling his ear! I was so repulsed I threw the laundry on the floor and stormed out of the house. My husband came out and tried to explain that she's always done that and no matter what he does... she doesn't stop. His mom didn't know why I was upset. I honestly cannot stand the woman, she's not your normal mother-in-law that's for sure.
I'm not sure what to tell you, I just talked to my husband about how she made me feel. He understood, but did feel offended and felt that I didn't like his mother. Which in all honesty I don't, but for the sake of my husband, I tolerate her. He ended up speaking to her about the situation and the other problems she caused, but she denied anything being wrong with what she did. Good luck.
hmm ok.. I come from a spanish back ground.. Well half anyways.. My mother is spanish.. And believe me it is just the person not the culture.. Just like any race... Some moms are just that way.. My grandma would never act in that manor... This also goes for any of my relatives on my mom's side. And all their friends.. I really don't think my grandma even has any feelings.. I have always known her to be rather cold... I think your MIL only does this because he lets her.. She may stop if he ever asked her too..
My MIL is NOT spanish and she does the exact same thing!!!! It totally p*sses me off big time!!! I mean...dh is almost 30 years old....I think the baby stuff can stop!
I have been fighting this for years....I have even considered leaving dh because of his parents. They are (well were...things are a little better since FIL got sick) alcoholics and have been very abusive to me and my children. Dh is not man enough to stand up to his parents...he just lets them walk all over me.
I wish that I could give you good, solid advice but I can't even advise myself! I just wanted you to know that I can relate to what you are going through.
Eventually, I started putting my foot down...I know this is terrible, but I started to complaining to dh (VERY LOUDLY) whenever one of his parent episodes happened. Eventually, over the years it has slowed down (dh and I have been together 10 years) but he still gets babied....and it still makes me sick to my stomach. I can recall years when I refused to go to their house...I won't even answer the phone when they call.
Now that new baby is coming (this one belongs to dh...other two dd's were from previous marriage) they are trying to really get into my life. It irks me because they certianly didn't treat my children like their own...now they want to treat this one differently??? Of course this baby will know her grandparents...I wouldnt take that away from her...but I AM SETTING THE GROUND RULES....they can either follow my way or no way (I wouldnt be overly mean...this child would benefit from grandparents...I'm wise enough to know that).
Maybe you should talk to dh about it....what does he say?
Anyways, I wish you good luck...I KNOW what you are going through. Hope everything turns around for you.
I love my 3 girls and little boy:
Mom to Jessica - 19 yrs old, Amber - 18 yrs old, Sebastian - 2 months
URGH! I hate crap like that!!! I have, like, the ultimate mama's boy on my hands, so I know what you mean!! Except, (thankfully) they don't touch eachother! She's not a very warm person so she's not really a cuddler, but with them, it's about ABSOLUTE loyalty and spending time together and all that. Like she calls him all the fricking time at SUPPER time which is sooooo annoying! Because he spends like 1/2 hour on the phone with her (IMO talking about nothing at all!!! just repetitive blablabla-ing to me!!) so it sucks because everything stops when she calls or comes over. Their way of showing affection is by spending (again IMO way too much) time together. Like making a full bloody 4 days of it, where they always have to be doing something, going somewhere, having a big huge dinner, ect...It's always this HUGE event! URGH!!! I love my mom more than anything too, but I know when I've had enough of her! I talk to and see my mom less than he does and she doesn't even live here!!!! I see my mom once a week if that for a few hours (like 3-4)...add that up. I talk to her on the phone once or twice a week for 15-20 minutes if that. Now, he sees his mom once sometimes twice a month for 4 days at a time...They spend pretty much EVERY WAKING MOMENT together. Then they talk on the phone like every second day or so for about 1/2 hour at a time... now add that up!! Yeah, talk about a little twisted! How do men do that?? It's sooo gross! I know this may sound harsh (especially to those of you who are having a boy) but if I ever have a boy, I would NEVER want that kind of affection with my son! I would never want my boy fighting with his g/f about me, or putting me on a higher pedestal than any other woman in his life...I find it disturbing! I don't think cuddling with your son is bad...WHEN THEY'RE LITTLE!!! But when they start dating or having crushes even I think it's time to cut the embellicle cord!! I wouldn't go and throw myself all over him! Especially in front of a girl...That's jealousy waiting to happen!! No one wants to see their b/f or husband cuddling with their moms. That's what a wife and g/f are for!!! lol I know it's not the same "kind" of cuddling and all that, but it's still weird IMO. I'm sorry you have to deal with that!
Good luck with the MIL situation! I know it's not easy!!! Maybe you could try talking to your man about it and tell him it makes you feel weird and uncomfortable when she does that. If he REALLY needs his mommy cuddling fix, then tell him and her to do it on their own time, not in front of you!!! GOO!!! I just hate seeing grown men being rubbed or touched or whatever unless it's a hug or small kiss by their moms...K have I said that enough??? BLLLLAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKKKK!!!!
Well I guess I will raise my hand that my MIL does the same s***. She acts as if my fiance is 5 instead of 21. It's sooooooo annoying. She's always telling him what he "needs" to do, and if he doesn't listen she tells me I need to "make" him to something. I finally told her that he's a big boy and that neither she or I could force him to do anything. But everytime my fiance is sick, even with just a cold, I'll tell him to take some medicine, and she'll call like everyday and ask him how he is and try to tell him what he needs to take blah blah blah. I think there's just a point where these moms need to realize that their sons have another woman in their life that is perfectly capable of taking care of them. And that's that!
Thanks all for your post!!!
Well I decided to talk to my husband about this situation and it didn't go all that well. He said he knows where I am coming from but can't just tell her to stop. He did say that he will tell her next time something comes up, to back off or "we have it under control"...I don't really think it will happen! We'll see......I just really started getting upset because I feel like me and "Lily" are his family now and I feel like I'm going to be put second. I would never want to take him away from her, that's not what this is about....there just comes a time and a place when she needs to give me some respect of being his wife. I know I can't change her either becuase that is how she was raised and she takes family very seriously, but I am taking it al little better now that he knows how I feel....because when ever it is happening again, one look and I think he will get the picture!!!!
I hate to feel like the bad one, but this is my husband and if I ever have a son, I will totally give his wife respect and have to understand that he will always be my "baby" but he is an adult now and has his own "baby" coming.
Maybe one day things will be different, but for now I guess I just need to suck it up and let it go.....BUT....if she ever tells me how to raise our child!!!!!! Boy, Boy, Boy......we are in trouble.
Right on Sista!!! Yeah ditto here! If my MIL tries to tell me in anyway how to raise my baby, sh*t will hit the fan, let me tell you! I won't put up with that at all!! Actually, not from anyone to tell you truth but especially her. I've had enough problems with her in the past, this would just be the icing on the cake!!
Good luck again....ew! mom's cuddling their grown sons like that...barf! Time to let go lady!!! k, sorry I know I'm dwelling on it, but come on!! I mean, why do they feel as though they have to act like that to continue to be an integral part of their sons lives?? It's not like as if suddently she's not his mom anymore just because he's grown up! So why not also grow up and let him be a man! You know what you should do the next time she's around? You should totally get all SUPER cuddly with him and give him those millions of kisses on his forehead and talk to him the way she does...That'll probably make HER feel really uncomforable and she may just think twice about it around you again!! I dunno if it'll work, but it's worth a shot!!! Then at least she can't be all over him because you're already there!! HA!
I am Latin, not Spanish, but I can assure you it's not our culture....
It sounds like she's the kind of mom that wanted him to be a Momma's boy...so yeah...sorry, if I offended you in any way by saying that, but seriously.
My grandmother does not act like that and neither does my mother towards my brother.
In fact, culturally, once you leave the nest you've made your own family; Thus, it is your wife whom will nurture you, not your mother. (The whole ideology is that if you wanted the benefits of still living at home --say mother like your Mother in law--you should have stayed single.)
You should address her, definitely. You don't need this stress!
Plus, how dare she!
I'm started to realize that I may have offended some people about the "spanish" thing. I didn't mean it like that....but I will say that the situation is very different with my husband. He was raised in Cuba and he came here when he was 11 years old. His parents only had 1 sister here and the rest just recently came the the U.S about 2 or 3 years ago.....What I'm trying to say is...a family friend who I am really close to told me that ever since they came here, they feel like they have to stick together and are very tight as a whole family. Not only does she do this to him, it's the whole family~!!!!!Our whole wedding was like a grope fest!!!!! lol
I just think thier family is very close and I don't see their side! From talking to so many people, they all said" that's how spanish families are!!" So I guess I aotomatically assumed that that was the reason that they did stuff like this!!!! So sorry if I offended anyone....Just trying to make sense of it all