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I need some advice PLEASE


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
August 3rd, 2009, 11:46 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Hi. I am 33 years old and just found out I am pregnant. I have been married for a little over 2 years and my husband is 29. We both have good jobs, but are tight on money because we just bought our first home together and are in the process of fixing it up to live in.

Here is the source of my confusion.
I have made no secret of the fact that I am ready to start a family. And when my husband and I first started dating 5 years ago, I made it clear I wanted to have children before I turned 35. ( I was also told by a neurologist that because of family history and my migraines I should be off hormonal birth control by then.)
Both my husband and I agreed that we shouldn't start a family until I was done with school- I went back for a 2nd degree and graduated nursing school a year ago. Since then he has stated that he wanted more time with me as his wife before we started a family- I understood that because the first 15 months of our marriage I was in school.
Then, this past May when I went to the doctor because I was getting more migraines, she told me I should stop taking the pill due to risk of stroke. I told my husband this. Twice. Two weeks apart.
I bought a box of the vaginal contraceptive film but we did not use it consistently and the past month not at all. He has never purchased any contraceptives or come home with condoms. He would occasionally "pull out" (sorry if that is too much info) but has done nothing else to prevent us becoming pregnant.
Now that I am pregnant he has flipped out, saying he feels tricked and duped, and is not ready to be a father and would in fact be a bad father because he would resent having a child.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS. He is normally a very communicative person, and that has been a strength in our relationship, but he has shut down. He wants me to consider termination. Is this just him being scared and he'll get over it? Do I risk our marriage and have the baby? Do I terminate and risk resenting him, him NEVER being ready, or me never getting pregnant again?
This is all new to me, I found out and told him on Aug 2nd and am maybe a week pregnant (my HCG level was 12 on Sunday.)
Any advice would be appreciated. Right now I just want to tell him to suck it up, I'm scared too...
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  #2  
August 4th, 2009, 01:52 AM
Koti's Avatar Nugget's Mommy
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Sounds to me like he needs to grow up, but what do I know he's my elder...
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  #3  
August 4th, 2009, 10:54 AM
SoonToBe3's Avatar Making room for #3!
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Location: CA
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To me, it sounds like hes scared. My daughter was pretty unexpected, I found out I was pregnant with her 1.5 months after having my son. DH then decided he didnt want a second baby, but I would never abort for anything other then rape or medical issues. So now that shes almost 10 months old, he still neglects her sometimes. We almost divorced in December?January because of the way he was treating her. But, it is slowly getting better.
If YOU want that baby, keep it. He did nothing to prevent it. You didnt get yourself pregnant, he was half the cause. He needs to step up and be a daddy to that little baby in there.

If I were in your situation, Id keep it personally. I love my husband, but my kids are my world. You would be about 4 weeks pregnant. They go by the first day of your last period. :/ Most likely an April baby. You see, my hubby just had a vasectomy in March and has been too lazy to go get his spermcount done. Now Im 5 or 6 days late and he wants me to abort if Im pregnant. I wont. Id rather go mother my children on my own then get rid of one.
Just my opinion.
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  #4  
August 4th, 2009, 02:16 PM
Erinmarie83's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Absolutely under no circumstances should you abort because a guy tells you to, even if its your husband. Sorry but he sounds like a tool to me and he needs to grow a pair.
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  #5  
August 4th, 2009, 06:12 PM
Gobaby1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My DH would have been the same way pre-pregnancy... I would have been too. But then when we had the big surprise it was like, well here we are and let's get it together. DH actually adjusted better/faster than I did, but its a lot to come around to, its life changing. Give him some time and he'll come around, if he doesn't, well that could be telling of other things. It is scary but you have to deal. It won't always be easy but its do-able! If he feels tricked then he should have worn a condom. He knew full well what you were going through as far as coming off of BC. Give him time, I'm sure he'll come around. Once he knows his life isn't over its easier to grasp! Not sure this was at all helpful, but I tried!
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  #6  
August 4th, 2009, 07:32 PM
lilflower
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I don't have much advice. I think I'm in your same boat with the father issue. I'm divorced though, so it makes it a bit harder. I wouldn't abort if you would resent him. Even if he isn't ready he should take control. If worse comes to worse...single moms are okay. And they survive.
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  #7  
August 5th, 2009, 01:24 PM
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So the last few days have been intense. My DH has been more supportive and I have listened to his concerns and made the decision that I knew I would make which was to continue with the pregnancy and believe thta he is scared and hope he'll get over "not being ready."

Then today I started bleeding. More than spotting, but less than a period. Guess it makes his angst a moot point eh?

Thank you all for your responses and advice. Now I am trying to deal with losing a pregnancy that was just seeming real and I was getting excited about.....
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  #8  
August 5th, 2009, 04:44 PM
Gobaby1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Are you sure you lost it? I have had a ton of bleeding with this pregnacy and its all fine. Did you call a doctor?
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  #9  
August 5th, 2009, 07:37 PM
lilflower
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Please see a DR to confirm miscarriage. I bled a ton with ALL of my pregnancies.
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  #10  
August 6th, 2009, 04:29 PM
ThatGirl's Avatar Rawr.
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Spotting is so very common in the first trimester. That's how I knew to test actually.

I'm glad your DH is coming around and I will keep you and your baby in my thoughts.
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  #11  
August 9th, 2009, 12:00 PM
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I did call my Dr and went and had my HCG level checked- it was down almost to zero. This confirmed the loss. Then the bleeding and cramping got much worse that night.
Thank you all for your advice and support.
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  #12  
August 9th, 2009, 12:10 PM
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I am sorry for your loss **hugs**
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  #13  
August 13th, 2009, 03:35 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry for your loss.... There is a pregnancy loss board here full of supportive women. Oh honey, so many hugs.
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  #14  
August 13th, 2009, 03:47 PM
ThatGirl's Avatar Rawr.
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I am so sorry for your loss.
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