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Why is so mean?


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
March 13th, 2006, 11:43 AM
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Hey,
I got into a fight with my b/f today. I'm pretty upset over it, because he was pretty mean about it, and AGAIN totally not understanding at all what I need from him. I feel like this relationship is a lost cause because I'll forever be dealing with this crap.
I had some trouble getting into my car last night because I think the lock is frozen. So I spent like half an hour in the cold trying to break into my car with a stupid coat hanger (imagine a big pregnant girl doing this!!!), which luckily I succeeded! But it took a while! Anyways, so this morning I was telling him about it, and he's like "oh, yeah the lock thing...yeah I know. It was like that yesterday when I used the car." So I asked him why he didn't tell me so that at least I could have not locked the door (yeah, and the other door is broken too...) and not have run into that. And he's like "what's the big deal? So the lock is frozen..so what?" So I was like, "WELL the problem is that I spent half an hour in the cold yesterday trying to break into it because of the lock! If you knew why didn't you tell me?" Then he's like "well I didn't see you yesterday!" HA! we both had the daytime off and he saw me plenty yesterday!!! Then of course when I didn't buy his lame excuse, his response to that was "Get off my back! I just worked 12 hours, I deserve some respect, you're always after me about something, you treat me like crap, it's first thing in the morning for me, I just worked, and already your on my back! I'm your b/f! I deserve respect from you!"

!!! So now he wants a fricken MEDAL for having a JOB!! What, so after a shift I have to let anything that he does go w/o making a peep about it, because he just worked and that makes him special???? what the hell!!!!! First off, just because I tell him I'm pissed off at him for something doesn't mean I treat him like crap!!! It means I have enough respect for myself and our relationship that if something is bothering me I'll voice it. Otherwise one day I'll just SNAP!!!

I just can't seem to ever get through to him! He's always the victim whenever I tell him somethign that he's done bothers me. I mean, today, I tell him I'm mad b/c he didn't tell me about my car being all screwed up, and somehow I'm the bad guy who treats him like crap, doesn't respect him or his job and that I'm always after him! I'm at a loss! I can't even deal with that! I spent all morning crying because I'm not "allowed" to voice anything w/o it turning into a big fight where I'm the big b*tch! I'm so frustrated! Honestly, how am I supposed to keep myself happy in the relationship also, if I can't even be honest with him about how I feel! And not only that, but just the way he was talking to me, telling me to "just get the hell out, go to work and leave him the hell alone and get off his back", it scares the crap out of me. Not because I think he'll go and abuse me or anything (he doesn't have the b*lls to even TRY to hit me). I'm scared because if this is how he's going to treat me now, then what does the future hold for me and my baby? Just a bunch of unnecessary screaming matches that started because he can't handle someone being honest about their feelings?? What if he talks to our daughter like that if she talks back to him one day (which is bound to happen at least once or twice!!!)...What, is he going to yell at her, tell her she's a horrible daughter (just like I'm a bad g/f), and turn everything on her?? I'm scared she won't be able to speak her mind around him because he doesn't take the time to process and analyze what's being said or why and he just flies off the handle at the drop of a hat!
I hate him right now. He's made me completely miserable today, it's all that been on my mind...I keep thinking he'll call or write an email saying sorry, but he never will. He's "not into that"...guaranteed I'll get home and he'll try to act like nothing happened...he'll ask me how my day was and because I'm still mad, if he senses any attitude whatsoever, he'll just use that as me treating him like crap and blablabla again. He does it everytime!!! I don't even know what to do anymore!
HELP!!!!
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  #2  
March 13th, 2006, 12:22 PM
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Im not justifying his behavior by any means b/c you are allowed to voice your emotions and everything you are saying is totally vaild. He's probably feeling a lot of pressure and stress with having a baby too. With that being said, you need to make it clear to him that you are allowed to have emotions and get angry without him making you into a bad guy. You've been nothing but amazing when dealing with an unplanned pregnancy not to mention TERRIBLE MIL!!! You do not deserve to have anyone treat you like that. Its not healthy for anyone let alone a pregnant woman!! WE are here for you Bridg!!
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  #3  
March 13th, 2006, 02:06 PM
beckii's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I know exactly what you're going through. My boyfriend is the same way as yours, and it is SO frustrating! Whenever I try and explain something to him that's bothering me, he turns it into this big argument, like he can do no wrong and its me who's the bad one.. But then when he brings something up to me that's bothering him, I'm expected to be an angel about it and just agree..

Like you too, I worry about how he'll be in the future with our daughter. I don't doubt that is isn't a good father, because he's been great with her, but sometimes he just doesn't know how to react to her fussing and things like that.. I'm scared that when she gets older, they won't have a good relationship because of how he reacts to situations he doesn't have control over or when they don't agree..


And he's the same way with the e-mailing and calling, its just "not his thing".. Although I always hope that he will, because I'm stupid

Just ignore him, that's the only advice I can give to you.. Good-luck with it though, I hope it gets better for you
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  #4  
March 13th, 2006, 02:47 PM
Mom2DyJessAva's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Im not justifying his behavior by any means b/c you are allowed to voice your emotions and everything you are saying is totally vaild. He's probably feeling a lot of pressure and stress with having a baby too. With that being said, you need to make it clear to him that you are allowed to have emotions and get angry without him making you into a bad guy. You've been nothing but amazing when dealing with an unplanned pregnancy not to mention TERRIBLE MIL!!! You do not deserve to have anyone treat you like that. Its not healthy for anyone let alone a pregnant woman!! WE are here for you Bridg!![/b]

i agree with u on that one jewll! u have the right to say whatever is on your mind anytime u want and it doesnt make u a bad person what so ever..u have been through alot (mil!) and maybe he is feeling stress over having the little one come but he also needs to realize he isnt the only one (you deal with his mom and thats alot of stress on you) i hope he ends up changing for you and your babys sake..you deserve the best and so does fiona..:HUGS:
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  #5  
March 13th, 2006, 02:55 PM
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Hey Brig!
I' m sorry to hear about your b/f.... He prolly is stressed about the baby, but he needs to understand that you have needs and are emotional, just like him! I don't know how you can get him to understand, of if he is even willing, because it seems he's not willing to do anything.... But he needs to smarten up BEFORE the baby gets here because that's gonna be a whole other level of stress that he'll need to deal with. Good luck and email me sometime!!
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  #6  
March 13th, 2006, 04:32 PM
#5isontheway's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I can tell you why you end up being the bad guy......

His psycho mother has taught him to always be the victim...just like she is!!

Does that make sense. Boys learn so much from their mother and he is trying to make you feel guilty b/c you have a concern or an opinion just like his mom has him his whole life. I would have been pissed to and would have jumped all over DH.....Him having a job and working 12 hours doesn't have a ###### thing with him being considerate enough to make sure he told you about the door. He should have apologized to you and not made bs excuses and it never would have turned into a fight. It will get better I promise. Don't give up on him yet. My DH was a total ##### when I was pregnant with our first but he has been wonderful so far this time.
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  #8  
March 13th, 2006, 06:58 PM
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Hey Brigitte!!!
I completely understand how you feel about the whole "job" thing. Well first let me tell you how my relationship with my fiance was for the first 9 months or so:
We dated (he didn't have a job), he moved in to my apartment (he still didn't have a job), I went to school from 7a-12p then work at 1p-9p everyday (fiance still sitting at home without a job not cleaning or doing anything but playing computer games), we move to be close to his sister (I get a job in our new town, he doesn't), we move into an apartment (with my money), and finally he gets a job! Well ever since he's gotten that job (I still worked up until about a month ago or so) everything is HIS. It's HIS money, HIS house, HIS food, etc. It's just f***ing ridiculous!! I never once said anything to him about him not having a job, for not cleaning when I was at work, about how I had to pay for everything. I never said a d*** thing. But he never hesitates to point out that he works and I don't (right now). Then I ask him to do ONE simple task and he says "I work. You don't. You can do it yourself. You sit at home all day."
So I can totally relate to you on that part. I really hope things get better for you, and if you ever need to chat just AIM me or send me a message on Yahoo. My names are in my profile!!
Northcutt2Be
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  #9  
March 14th, 2006, 05:18 AM
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Hey girls, thanks for the replies!

happymommyof1, don't appologize for speaking your mind! Some of what you said makes sense, so thanks!

If he had just forgotten to tell me about the stupid door, it would be a whole other story. I would have just dropped it. But he completely denied forgetting and just said "I didn't think it was a big enough deal to have to tell you about it." So he really was just being inconsiderate. And of course pretty much as I predicted, I got home last night, and sure enough, he's trying to talk to me like as if nothing happened. No sorries, not even an acknowledgement of what was said and done. I hate that. So I just gave him really short answers, and just went to bed right away. So we barely spoke. I figure if he can't even acknowledge that there's a problem than I don't need to talk to him right now. I'm still really miffed at him, so I don't feel like spending any time with him. He's been playing his victim card ever since I've known him....and he denies it everytime I call him on it!!! I mean for him to turn a simple comment about not telling me about the door into an accusation of bad treatment and disrespect for him and his work, not only isn't relevant, but it's a really obvious way for him to shift the blame on me instead of on him because he knows he did something stupid. Rather than saying sorry, he decides to take the "poor me" route, and blame it on me. I do respect him and his job, don't get me wrong. You guys just here about the bad stuff...I dont' normally go around talking my face off about the wonderful or good moments. I'd never stop!! But when I'm mad at him, I vent. I don't think me voicing my feelings about him being inconsiderate when he gets home from work is a sign of disrespect to him or his job. I dont' get any special treatment from him when I get home from work. I still make dinner for him. I still clean the appartment on weekends (vaccuming, dusting, cleaning the tub, toilet...ect) he doesnt' do that...But I get nagged at for leaving some dishes in the sink ! Go figure!!! I do a lot of things to take care of him that shows him plenty of respect. On valentines, and our anniversaries...who's the one who made all the special arrangements and surprises for him? ME...what did I get that was so special or surprising? Nothing. But I've NEVER complained about it to him! EVER! Because I know it would just make him feel bad, and I want him to do those things all by himself, not feel forced to do them.
If I had waited until after he slept and woke up to get ready for his next shift, he'd tell me again that I don't respect him or his job because how dare I yell at him before going to work...yet this is what he did to me yesterday...this all started about 20 minutes before I had to go to work. ANd I never once sat there and lectured him about how I deserve ultimate respect because I'm about to leave for work. I'm still worried about things will be when the baby gets here...
Will he be like that if he comes home from work and I desperately need a break because I just spent 12 hours dealing with a teething baby, or a collicy (spelling???) baby??? I'm worried I'll be alone when it comes to the baby on the days that he works. His 3 full days off will be fine, but what about the other 5??
I'm just so frustrated.
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  #10  
March 14th, 2006, 07:46 AM
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Like I said before, I completely understand how you feel. My fiance (after the move) will work 8:30a-8:30p, and I will be at home all day long tending to the baby. Which doesn't bother me, but I just hope he still doesn't make me feel so worthless and lazy when I spend all day caring for a newborn. (And my fiance's job isn't even hard) So just hang in there, you are not alone!!
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