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Pregnant after a 4 month relationship- Should I get married?


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  #1  
September 7th, 2009, 04:53 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Hi all,
I just got my BFP on September 3rd and I am about a month pregnant. I have been with my BF for about 4 months and just moved in with him 2 weeks ago (which resulted in this pregnancy). In fact, we had never had sex and the first week we did It resulted in my pregnancy. I am so confused because I never imagined this happening so fast and I know that my family will be very upset (also I am dissappointed in myself). My BF is 38 and I am 22. He has never been married and has no kids and is VERY EXCITED. He told me before we knew that he loves me with all his heart and that I mean the world to him, he also said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The only problem is he says that we shouldn't be getting married unless I feel the exact same way. My family is very religious and I am pretty religious myself. I feel like we need to be married before the baby comes. If you were in my situation what would you do? I feel like I do love him and that we would have a good marriage and that we need to call a spade a spade (we are having a baby and living together)! My question is should I be married before I tell my family or what should I do? I am only 22 but I received my Bachelors degree 6 months ago and have a professional job. I was supporting myself and living on my own until I moved in with him (this was because we wanted to see if marriage would work since we are on the faster track since he is older). My family will be so upset and angry and I have no idea what is the right choice. I know that a lot of you ladies are or have gone through tough situations on here and are able to give great advice, so please help!
Thank you
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  #2  
September 8th, 2009, 06:51 AM
*Pamela*
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I don't belong on this topic but saw it when scrolling down.

First, it sounds as though you have a great relationship with him, doesn't matter if it's 4 months or 2 weeks, you sound happy. Even though you say your are religious, you did choose to move in with him before marriage and you would be sleeping together, did your family know you moved in with him? I feel if they knew that then they would assume you would be intimate. If they knew, did they lecture you about premarital sex? If not, then they just kept opinions to themselves.

I guess what I'm saying is everything looks perfect in respect to the guy really being happy about all this, wanting to marry you but no pushing you. Sounds more like you're beating yourself up worrying about what your family might think or say. I'm a Christian too and none of us are perfect hun. Go with your heart. All you have to do is ask God for forgiveness and to carry you through and give you the stregnth to tell your family.

When and if you get married, do it when you are both ready. I'm a firm believer in marriage but it has to be right for both parties.

I wish you all the best hun

My experience:

I come from a very old fashioned southern family and I got pregnant at 22 and wasn't in a serious relationship with the guy and he had just moved back home to go to college. I was so scared to tell my mom. She was never upset with me and never said anything negative and was nothing but supportive. I remember growing up with her saying she'd be very angry if I ever got pregnant out of wedlock. And that stuck with me. I was so relieved to have told her and she had a great time helping me plan for my baby.
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  #3  
September 8th, 2009, 08:52 AM
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No my family has no idea that I am living with him, nor do they have any idea we are having sex. The last they heard I was waiting till marriage. I know that I only want to be married once, but the thought of living with all this guilt and feeling very backwards is unbearable. No offense to anyone but the thought of giving birth to his child without him being my husband feels so wrong and is against everything I stand for. I also think it would be wrong to stick myself into a miserable marriage but I feel like there is no leaving this situation now because we have a child together (not that I want to though).
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  #4  
September 8th, 2009, 02:49 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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I'm not a regular on this board, but just thought I'd give my 2 cents...

If you are not ready, do not get married. Being pregnant is not a good reason to get married, even if you are doing it "for the child's sake." Marriage is a wonderful thing, if it's right for both people. If you one of you is not100% ready and willing to spend your life together or if there is any tiny amount of doubt or second-guessing don't do it!

Please do not "settle" just because you're pregnant. Your child will benefit so much more from you being happy and in a marriage that you want to be in, than they would from you being in a marriage you don't really want to be in or felt you were obligated to be in.

Just do what is best for you and your baby. Best of luck to you!
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  #5  
September 8th, 2009, 03:15 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 27
I don't think you should get married after 4 months. You sound so stressed, and so worried, in my opinion, it is not the time to start making additional life altering decisions.


Secondly if you got married than told your parents I imagine they would be hurt. Most parents, no matter how religious, or conservative, want to be there for their children. They would be hurt if you went off and got married without consulting them beforehand.

Thirdly (this may sound harsh) What your parents think should come 2nd now to what is best for the child. Marrying, and comminting to a man that you've only been with four months, is a big gamble.


Experiance: I was with a man 16 years my senior for 5 years. From 16 to 21.( we were engaged) there are a lot of additional issues from a large gapped relationship you havn't faced yet.
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  #6  
September 8th, 2009, 03:46 PM
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I think the most scary thing is that I never expected to be in this place and I feel like such a hypocrite. I almost feel like it is a worse example to my child if I wasn't married but then I understand how bad an unhealthy relatonship is for a child. This is really a hard one. I also feel like how am I supposed to find another man when I have a child who isn't his? Ahh I really am stressed out about this and I know that is horrible for the baby. I am just praying I get it together and make the right choice!
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  #7  
September 8th, 2009, 04:42 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 59
Hi there, I'm not a regular to this board, but this caught my eye.

From seeing several couples get married only because they unexpectedly got pregnant, I don't think you should get married just because you're having a baby together. Getting married for that reason alone is not automatically going to be the right thing to do.

Everyone has slip-ups, things happen and things change. Ever heard the saying "If you wanna hear God laugh tell him your plans"?

Not being married when your child is born is not half as bad of an example as marrying into an unsure relationship because it makes you feel better. Marriage is a beautiful, special thing. Marry when both you and your better half are ready. Make it an enjoyable experience, not a race between the birth of your child and your wedding. Even if that means your child is old enough to be the ring bearer or flower girl for the wedding when the right time comes. Part of loving someone is getting to know them. If it's true love, it will always be there. No need to hurry it. Love is always patient.

As for your parents, they might be upset or even angry, but they are your parents. You're pregnant, you know how much you love your baby already. The love your parents have for you is no different. Your parents will ALWAYS love you, period. Talk to them about it. Don't let them make the decisions for you, but get their input. Don't leave them out. Give them a chance. You never know.

If you ever need to talk, we are here for you, too
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  #8  
September 9th, 2009, 03:19 AM
*Pamela*
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jennypenny84 View Post
I don't think you should get married after 4 months. You sound so stressed, and so worried, in my opinion, it is not the time to start making additional life altering decisions.
You can't really advise that since we don't know what their relationship is like. I met my husband over the internet on a Christian site, he lived in England and I in the states. We talked all the time and were engaged a month later. I flew over and stayed with his parents who are also Christians. We got married just less than 4 months after the first email. I knew in my heart he was the one and I still feel the exact same way today. We have been happily married for 6 1/2 years now. He is a great dad to my oldest son and we have 2 children together. I feel very blessed and wouldn't change a thing.

We have had our share of ups and downs (still do) because we had to learn as we went but we always communicate with each other and we both love each other very much.

That's why I said to go with your heart, it's not about what others think, it's about what you feel.

This is a time when you need God and to ask for help in getting answers. I do feel that the sooner you talk with your parents the better.

You've never said though.......do you feel he is the one?

Blessings
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  #9  
September 9th, 2009, 04:51 AM
suusssannn's Avatar funky monkey
Join Date: Jan 2009
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Saw this topic while scrolling down as well... you sound like a typical woman who just found out she's about to have a baby--- that alone is forever life changing. I was happily married and going to college (& 19) when I found out I was pregnant with my first... and I was still just as shocked and scared as you seem to be. I was scared about judgments being passed, etc... I was overall just an anxious/overwhelmed 'mess'! But there was also a teeny part of me that was SOOOO excited!! Are you at all looking forward to this new addition? Because at the end of the day- it's YOUR life. Your parents/friends/etc can say whatever they want-- I'd like to think that they would offer you encouragement and congratulations... but I understand that some people just open their mouths and like to judge. And that's totally unfair. It's your life, and from now on your share your life with a little baby! I can totally understand all of the emotions you are feeling... and it's totally NORMAL! No need to feel like a hypocrite... or be hard on yourself! If I were you, I'd go to babies r us and buy something baby related... maybe that will really get you excited about this new adventure! Life throws all kinds of curves... and really... a baby is one of the best 'curves' life can throw ya!

I really hope your parents and friends choose to be supportive... and if not *I'd* say screw 'em... and then give them time to come around... because I'm sure they will. But like I said it's YOUR life. This happened... you need to accept it so you can move forward and be EXCITED about it!!

As far as getting married-- I think your heart & mind need to be in the right place... and you do seem very unsure... don't get me wrong, you seem incredibly happy in your relationship-- but dating does not need to turn into marriage over night.

I think it's great (really great!) that your SO is being so supportive and is not pressuring you into marriage. You'll know when it's right. Even if it's 5 years down the road...

I wish you both the best... and congratulations on your new baby!! Get excited about this-- babies are little miracles, and they are the amazing gift. Nothing I say can totally prepare you for motherhood... but just expect and look forward to lots of unconditional love... Good luck!!
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  #10  
September 9th, 2009, 08:02 AM
andrews_sweetie's Avatar First Time Momma.
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,237
Hi, Im Keri, I'm only 19, but I am in a very similar situation you are in. My boyfriend is 20, I'm now 21 weeks pregnant & both his parents & mine are very religious. We talked & talked & talked about getting married before the baby came, but we realized that would be a lot of extra stress & a lot of extra money that we couldn't afford at this time with the baby coming. His parents really wanted us to get married before the baby came, even if it was a very small outdoors wedding with just family & a few close friends. But i really was a big church wedding with everybody i know, its just a dream I had since I was a little girl, follow your dreams. But all in all its your choice, we are choosing to get married the summer after the baby comes. All in all i really hope all your family & friends are supportive of your pregnancy. Best of luck.
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  #11  
September 9th, 2009, 08:39 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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I actually am pretty excited about the baby! I think it the excitement just got ruined in the situation because I feel like I now have to make a big choice and like my family will really go crazy on me! It's so nice that all of you can help give me advice on this one and I really agree that marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. A couple of my friends suggested an engagement instead of getting married right away, which I also think could be a good option. Its hard when I have so many feelings! I think some of these must just be hormones, right? I think another big thing which I have to get over is that he is a lot older and I am younger. We don't have any problems with that yet, but my point is that he already has everything in his life. He has his career and is very stable financially and otherwise- he basically has everything but a family and kids. So this for him is a very happy time because it will complete his already almost perfect life. For me I feel like I just boxed myself in and that a child is such a big commitment and that we should make a "go" at it and be a family. I am loyal to my choices and if I choose marriage I will put my all into it and so will he. Im SO SCARED because I thought I would tell my mother first and I was calling her "grandma" to my puppy and she got really up in arms. She said she is too young to be a Grandma (she will be 47 when the baby she doesn't know about yet is due). I tried to prepare her further by explaining that she had my brother at my age and that she needs to expect that I may be settling down sooner rather then later (I am laying the foundation so that this isn't a horrible shock). Just hearing my mom's reaction and what she said while Im growing a little one made me even more afraid! I know that my family will eventually get over it and love their 1st grandbaby but I know this is really a fork in my path. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason (I know where babies come from, but the first time?! LOL). I will give this child all I have but I also want to make it the best outcome for me, the baby, the childs father, and my family. I will really be PRAYING! Thank you so much ladies for your support and I will keep updating you on everything. I am going to start meeting more of his family in these next few weeks and he will meet mine before we drop the news!
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  #12  
September 13th, 2009, 07:33 AM
J*cubed*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I got pregnant after only being WITH my current boyfriend for about a week. We had met online and been talking for about 4.5 years, but had only just met IRL. We aren't getting married because of the baby (though he did propose to me, and we've talked about marriage a lot, I just dont want to rush it) he did end up moving from TN to MO to live with me, and we are looking at moving again soon to somewhere where he will be able to make more money and give the baby a better life.

I dont really have any good advice except to stick it out. As for your parents, dont rush marriage just because of how it will look to others. Let yourself get to know your bf better and honestly, anyone who has a bad opinion of you because of the situation you're in or the choices you are making, doesnt know what it is like to be in a similar situation. Dont rush things, if marriage would feel right, do it, if you want to wait and find out, do that. Enjoy your pregnancy and make the best of things while you can!
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  #13  
September 14th, 2009, 06:48 AM
CuteName's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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You don't have to be married to have a baby. I married my ex after we had only been together about 4-5 months and I got pregnant. I was very into him at the time. It turned out to be the absolute worst mistake of my life. I'm happy we had a healthy adorable boy together, but if I could erase his father out of my life I would. He married me, and then turned into a different person. I thought I knew him, but he turned drunk, abusive, and I still to this day can't stand dealing with him.

Wait if you can. Get to know the guy, I mean REALLY get to know him. Never rush things like this. You'll be pregnant for a while. Wait and maybe it will bring you even closer together and let it be HIS idea.
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  #14  
September 16th, 2009, 05:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corrinescarlett10 View Post
No my family has no idea that I am living with him, nor do they have any idea we are having sex. The last they heard I was waiting till marriage. I know that I only want to be married once, but the thought of living with all this guilt and feeling very backwards is unbearable. No offense to anyone but the thought of giving birth to his child without him being my husband feels so wrong and is against everything I stand for. I also think it would be wrong to stick myself into a miserable marriage but I feel like there is no leaving this situation now because we have a child together (not that I want to though).
How are you hiding where you live from your family?

I think it's odd that you are saying that having a child without getting married first goes against what you believe, especially since you have been having sex and that is also different from what you believe. Call me confused, but I don't quite understand that comment.

I say don't get married right now. I think you are more worried about what "others" will think about you, mainly your family, and that's not a reason to get married. I've met people who have done this and regreted it very soon after. You have only been with this man for 4 months and he is so much older than you. You have no idea what it will be like down the road living with this person. Right now it's all very new and happy for you, it always is in the beginning. A marriage is a hard thing to keep going and add kids to the mix, especially a newborn/infant and you add on 10x the difficulty.

And, fwiw, my first child was born before my husband and I got married and I was never ashamed of my situation but very blessed with my little miracle. My husband and I didn't get married until our "unplanned" but very loved child was 4, almost 5 years old. We definitely didn't get married just because we made a baby together. We barely knew one another when it happened. I had only known my husband for 6 months at that time. Now we've been together 15 years and are going on our 3rd child together.

If you are meant to be with this man he will wait for you and it will work out and you can be just as happy getting married a few years from now as you feel that you could right now. Give it some time. Focus on your baby first and foremost. Don't rush things.
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  #15  
September 16th, 2009, 07:57 PM
*Cheyenne*
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***This also caught my eye***

I wouldn't get married just because you're having a baby, let your relationship grow, like someone else said, you don't have to be married to have a baby! I've been in your situation before, I was 18, I was with the guy for a month and got pregnant, we got married, and as a result 5 months later, we seperated and were divored a year and a half after getting married, I am remarried now, my husband and were together for 7 months when we got married, but I've known him for 2 years as well, he is adopting my son from my first marriage....

Not all marriages are like my first one, there were reasons behind mine, but honestly honey, if you are unsure right now, definitely don't rush it, it does sound like you love him, and he loves you and you have a great relationship, but if he's not rushing you, don't rush yourself!

Congrats on your baby, and good luck in your decision!
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  #16  
September 17th, 2009, 02:57 PM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I wouldn't get married because of the baby. ALot of those don't work out.

If you love him and what he is and not just because of the baby.

Then by all means go ahead and get married.

Good Luck
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  #17  
October 7th, 2009, 09:36 AM
laurabelle's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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from two persepctives...

i am 27 and have been with the father for about 2 months. i have known, before i found out i was pregnant, that he is the one for me. we intend to get married sometime after the baby is born, because the baby expenses come first priority to wedding expenses.

my best friend is 25 and when she ound out she was pregnant, they intended to get married also. i spoke with her the other day and asked if they had made any decisions and she said she has learned that they do not get along nearly as well as she had hoped and if anything, is planning on a long engagement.

everyone is different. do what is right for you and right for your baby. i do agree that you should tell your family all of this first before making any decisions. they love you and they will want to be involved with both the baby and a marriage, if that is what you choose...

good luck!
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  #18  
October 8th, 2009, 10:19 AM
flitabout's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have known my DH for 10 years, 3 before we dated, within a month of dating I was pg with my ds. We had a really rocky start, because before we really got to be a couple we had a baby on the way. That in itself is terrifying. With the stresses of our families and a new baby, we broke up. It wasn't until just before my son was born, when I realized that I needed to stop listening to family and friends, and to listen to myself. I love my DH in a way that I hadn't ever felt before. And the thought of living my life without him was inconceivable. It wasn't until after our son was born that we got married, I have never regretted that we got married, yes we have our ups and downs. But that time we spent apart was the best thing that ever happened to us. It helped me to realize how much I loved and needed him in my life.
But it doesn't sounds like your quite there yet. Until all doubts are gone about the way that you feel, Don't get married. Yes your family's opinion matters. But yours matters more right now. Your SO is giving you the time you need. Use it and know that one way or another, that it will work out. Babies are a gift from god. Just trust yourself, you will know what to do when it is right.
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  #20  
October 14th, 2009, 01:10 PM
MommaLee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm just chiming in because I saw this thread - I think it all depends on how you feel. My husband and I knew that we were the ones for each other after the 3rd date! We spent all night out together and were never apart (unless it's work related). We didn't get married until a year and a half later.

My husband is 12 years older than I am. I was 25 at the time and he was 37. I thought my parents would disagree with his age, but they LOVE him. We've never had a rocky relationship......we see eye to eye on almost everything.

My step SIL was married after 6 months of dating a man she found through a dating site. And they are still together today.

Good luck!
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