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Should I tell my husband? 42 and expecting.....


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
October 20th, 2009, 01:37 PM
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I am torn about what to do on this one. Part of me thinks I should terminate and not tell my husband, but of course I know that sounds pretty wrong.

The facts:

1) I am 42. I will be 43 in April this baby would likely be due in June
2) We have a delightful 14 month old son. He will be 2 next August.
3) The first pregnancy was a battle of endurance for me. I am needle-phobic and terrified of doing all that again.....
4) I am the breadwinner. I make triple my husbands salary. I can never be a SAHM.
5) Our savings is limited and our house has no equity (Yay economy).
6) My hubby has been bothering me non-stop with motorcycle stuff. He is dying to buy one and I am opposed.
7) Hubby crazy about our son and is good with him.
8) Our relationship: Rocky. We fight constantly about baby care (him criticizing ME and comparing me often to his mother) and motorcycles and quality time (I don't get any). Household tension is high. He is kind of selfish and OCD - I am a saint to put up with him and the "constructive" criticism.
9) Sex life is dead - amazing that we could conceive.
10) I feel stretched to my limits with my job, taking care of my adorable son, and trying to keep my nit-picky hubby happy. Me time - Long Gone.
11) Oh and I have been unfocused and sloppy at work with pregnancy and baby stress. I need to crack down to support my family! Can I still do that pregnant again and a second child! My boss is going to love this......
12) Last I ALWAYS planned on having only one child. Can't imagine two. And my hubby has stated the same..... and I live in terror of Autism because I am just too old and too busy (no extended family to help, my mom has not even met my 14 month old.....)


So add new baby to household with married couple living like roommates, arguing about child raising tactics, and stretched for time and money.

I have been doing my best to get our life organized, was planning for us to take child-rearing classes (to foster more agreement), and hoping to get sex life back on track by dropping back from current size 8 to size 4 (pre-baby size) and keeping house as clean as possible or OCD hubby.

I was on the pill, but a bit careless about taking it a that same time each day (low-dose). I figured I'm 42 and rarely have sex - I won't get pregnant. Ha Ha.

Should I approach him, or just face reality that we already have too much on our hands and not give him another reason to be angry with me? (He trusted that I was on the pill and I guess the TTC board always makes me feel that over 40 is hopeless...even though I gave birth at 41 (that was just a miracle right?).

Ack you know how hard it is when you see how wonderful the first guy was....but number two could be the straw that fractures are little unstable family before I can get it back on track.

Old and Pregnant.

Last edited by Cathoratio; October 20th, 2009 at 01:41 PM.
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  #2  
October 20th, 2009, 04:52 PM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I would definitely tell your DH

good luck
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  #3  
October 20th, 2009, 09:36 PM
Jodi Dawn's Avatar Host of the Jan-July 05 P
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DITTO I would definitely tell him. For one if you were to abort the pregnancy you would feel so guilty for not telling him. Its his baby too. Are you happy in your relationship? cuz it sounds to me that you are not. Maybe think about your relationship and see where that takes you. And def tell him about the pregnancy. you have a 14 month old.
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  #5  
October 21st, 2009, 03:06 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't belong here but i read 3 of your reasons and then didn't read anything else. I stopped........ I am sorry but if you don't want the baby you can find a million of those reasons not to have it. The godmother of my daughter is having twins in November....she is 42...i make 4 times my husbands income....i became a SAHM for my baby and don't care about the money.....and finally this baby is both yours and his....if you are to terminate then i think it is only fare that you at least discuss it with him also.......
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  #6  
October 21st, 2009, 08:19 AM
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I don't "care about money" except that it feeds the three of us and keeps a roof over our head. Where we live, my husband $40K salary is not enough for us to even rent an apartment and keep a car (insurance, maintenance). We own our home and like many would have to destroy our credit to move right now....

He could be a stay at home dad, except that I don't trust him to do that even with our 14-month old. He is impatient and believes in spanking. I am patient and don't believe in spanking. I have been getting up with our son ever night since he was 4 months old. Hubby would get frustrated and could not put baby to sleep, ended up snapping at me and all of us would be awake all night. Not worth it.
I am sure he would not do anything really bad, but I want my child to have a pleasant day and he loves his babysitter and her son.

Last edited by Cathoratio; October 21st, 2009 at 08:22 AM.
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  #7  
October 21st, 2009, 11:19 AM
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I think that you should tell your husband, but I can definitely see why you would hesitate.

As partners, I am confident that you can come to the right decision together. Pregnancy is a hard thing to endure even with age and healthiness on one's side. As the breadwinner and the one that has to go through the physical hardship of pregnancy, it really is up to you.

However, if you don't feel that you could parent a second child at this time in your life, could you ever consider adoption possibly as an option for you?

I only throw that out there because there are so many couples out there, such as my husband and myself, just hoping and praying that the right opportunity to become parents finds them.

If that is something that you think could be an option for your situation, I would love the chance to speak further with you and tell you a little bit about us & the life we hope to one day provide a child.
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  #8  
October 21st, 2009, 11:58 AM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You do have a lot on your plate but luckly most of it is only temporary.

Marital stress comes and goes. It sounds like you and DH have hit a rough patch and need some help to get through it. There is no shame in that. DH and I have been there. Being married is hard. But part of being in a sucessful marriage is being honest with your feelings and eachother! So...YES you should talk with your DH.

That is wonderful that you have a good job and are well paid. It enables your family to live the lifestyle you do. But as hard as you work at your career it will end at one point. You can't work forever. And when you are 80 will your old co-works come visit you when you are lonely?

You are obbviously overwhelmed right now. And rightly so. But instead of thinking about the "right nows" think about the long term effect of this pregnancy. Your DS will have a friend for life. After you and DH have lived your lives and are gone your children will have each other.

If you were to terminate and not tell your DH, how would you look him in the eye when things get better between you two?

Take a BIG deep breath, make up a list of the long term pro's and con's and then go talk to your DH.

(As a mother of 2....going from 1 to 2 is much easier than having your 1st! You already have all the baby stuff and YES pregnancy is hard but you have already done it once and know what to expect!)
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  #9  
October 21st, 2009, 12:15 PM
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I would definitely tell your husband. Even if you decide to terminate, it's still best to go through that together and make the decision together. I'm sure you will feel guilty and whatnot afterwards if you don't at least tell him what's going on. I really hope you can find something that works for the both of you though. Good luck.
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  #10  
October 21st, 2009, 05:19 PM
Kierasmom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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42 is not old. Lots of women are having babies in their 40's. Money and stress will always be there, no matter how many kids you have. Another child shouldn't make it that much worse.

No matter what, it's his baby too, and you should tell him. If you want to have an abortion then I think it would be nice to have his support.

Good luck.
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  #11  
October 22nd, 2009, 12:42 PM
flitabout's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well I don't know if it helps but, my great grand mother had my grandfather, her last at 42 and my aunt had her last baby at 42, and both babies where healthy. But I do know where you are coming from, I seriously thought about not telling my DH about my last pregnancy and terminating, I really didn't think our marriage could handle another baby at the time. But in the long run I did keep her, and I have a beautiful little girl that I wouldn't trade no matter how rocky the next 18 months after that got and it got really bad.
But things did get better with a lot of hard work, and we decided to go for number 4.
The question you need to ask yourself is after you take away all of the problems. You can not bring your issues in to it. Do YOU want this baby? Do YOU love this baby? Because if you terminate. There is no going back and you will have to live with that choice for the rest of your life. That you have a child that is no longer alive do to your choice. So make sure you can live with that.
I would tell your husband after you make your decision, but before you do anything. You did this together, and you should either continue with it or end it together.
There is a better chance that your baby is healthy, than for it to have downs syndrome or for it to have any other chromosomal abnormality. Yes the needles suck. But a child is a gift from god regardless of what is going on in your life right now, with work and maybe some therapy, it can get better with your husband.
I know you don't know me, but I do ask one favor of you. If you decide to terminate, get an ultrasound first. You need to fully understand what it is you are doing. I am pro-choice, but I am also for having a full understanding in every way of the ramifications of that decision, good and bad.
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  #12  
October 22nd, 2009, 07:02 PM
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I'd suck it up and tell your DH.I hope you two can work it out without getting rid of the baby.Good Luck
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  #13  
October 22nd, 2009, 09:46 PM
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best of luck and please do keep us updated. I know it may sound like some of us are being mean. But I'm sure its not suppose to come off as it seems.
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  #14  
October 22nd, 2009, 10:36 PM
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Just lurking around and saw this post. I would strongly advise you to tell your husband. It's his baby also and it's just not fair to end the pregnancy without telling him. Have you thought about marital counseling? It sounds like it would helpful in your situation. Also do you just not feel safe leaving your husband with your child because his parenting style is different than yours or is there a serious problem and you generally fear for the safety of your child. If it's a case of he doesn't do things the way you do then as hard as it is (believe me I know because I had to back off when my now 15 yr old was little and my DH did things differently) you need to back off and let him take care of his son. He'll learn and patience comes with learning and spending time alone with your kids. In turn they will have a great bond with each other. As hard as it is for mamas it's just as much our DHs child as it is ours and they are more than capable at caring for them if we are not around.

I also agree with a pp that before you do anything you should have an ultrasound so you fully understand what you are doing. You will have to live with decision forever. If you just can't or don't want to keep the baby please please consider adoption.

Good luck mama!
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  #15  
October 23rd, 2009, 02:14 PM
ricschick's Avatar mummy t 4 ttc no5
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well to be completely honest your husband doesnt sound very nice! id think about it seriously as if you do have a termination becasue your scared of what your husband will think then thats the wrong reason and it seems to me if you cant TRUST you own HUSBAND and the father to your child to even look after his own son something is seriously wrong. now you are pregnant maybe it is time to availuate your relationship and do what is best for you and your children. and i do think he has a right to know. im sorry if this seems alittle harsh i dont mean to affend im just being honest xxx
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  #16  
October 25th, 2009, 11:24 AM
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Reading your post almost brought tears to my eyes. Although I am in my 20s our first and second babies were both unexpected. My DH and I do not have the same marital issues that you do, but we have them... I think every one does. We were married 2 weeks when I found out I was preggos with our first (yes, she was a wedding night baby). That was marital stress... trying to learn how to live together, be married, and now raise a child?! We did discuss termination with the first but ultimately opted not to. Our daughter is also 14 months old.

I'll never forget the day in February I found out I was pregnant again.... I bawled til I couldn't breath. I came up with a lot of the same reasons you did NOT to have the second: We had no room in our house, I am the breadwinner and to take MORE time off in this economy could potentially cost me my job, we just figured out how to raise one kid - now two?!?, it would be expensive, I just got my body back to where I finally felt comfortable now I had to do it ALL OVER AGAIN!? (I HATED everything about being pregnant), my husband and I were STILL trying to figure out how to be married, ect.
My husband sat there and listened to all my reasons NOT to have this second child and simply stated 'I hear what you're saying but every reason you just gave me is pure selfishness. I've been in homes (he works for the local cable company) where they really CAN'T afford another child, where they really DON'T have any more room, we will be okay.'
So we did what we could... we refinanced the house (I'm in real estate - an excellent option considering rates are so low), put our wants/desires (hubby wanted a 'project car') on hold, made the room, and I sucked it up and on 10/21 we welcomed our son into the world. As I look at him now, I can't imagine letting that precious life go.
You need to tell your husband, it is his child too afterall. I am pro-choice but if you mutually decide that a second child is not for you I urge you to consider adoption. I work with families every day that struggle with infertility and would love the opportunity to raise a child. Pregnancy, although it seems never ending, is temporary. And although I still didn't care to be pregnant, it was much easier the second time around.
Good luck to you. I trust you'll make the best decision for you and your family.
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  #17  
October 25th, 2009, 02:39 PM
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the best choice would be to tell him and the both of you decide on how to handle this situation
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  #18  
October 27th, 2009, 01:16 PM
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you really need to tell him, this is a joint decision, and ultimatley its a baby..
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  #19  
October 28th, 2009, 04:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cathoratio View Post
I don't "care about money" except that it feeds the three of us and keeps a roof over our head. Where we live, my husband $40K salary is not enough for us to even rent an apartment and keep a car (insurance, maintenance). We own our home and like many would have to destroy our credit to move right now....

He could be a stay at home dad, except that I don't trust him to do that even with our 14-month old. He is impatient and believes in spanking. I am patient and don't believe in spanking. I have been getting up with our son ever night since he was 4 months old. Hubby would get frustrated and could not put baby to sleep, ended up snapping at me and all of us would be awake all night. Not worth it.
I am sure he would not do anything really bad, but I want my child to have a pleasant day and he loves his babysitter and her son.
See sometimes there is more than meets the eye. As you say it i wouldn't trust him alone with the kid either That's sad......i mean he is the father. Acting like this. I don't know i really don't......know what i would have done about my husband if he was like that with me or the baby (specially the baby!).....but i know what i would have done about the bun in my oven. But its your choice. Below i read a nice post from a lady that said how many couples can't have kids and pray for a miracle to come their way even in adoption form. Maybe if you don't choose to terminate you could do something like that ....something i again wouldn't have done, but it's a choice in your path that i'd prefer to termination. All in all in the end it's up to you, but again i insist you tell you husband. No matter what he is, he is the father. I wish you luck.......life sometimes really sucks......
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  #20  
November 19th, 2009, 06:34 AM
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you gotta think about the baby, not about everything that you both wont be able to have anymore. im sorry, i really dont want to be direspectful or anything but i have to be honest.... it's very selfish this baby doesnt deserve losing its life just because daddy wants a motorcyle or because mommy doesnt want to be a stay at home mom. why cant daddy be a stay at home daddy ya know? theres many ways around this without ending the life of this little one.
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