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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
November 7th, 2009, 07:22 AM
Serenity13's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 73
So here's my deal... I am still legally married but have been goin through my divorce for 2 1/2 years now! This should of been done and final a year and a half ago, but my soon to be ex husbands attorney is an idoit! She has done nothin but try to drag this out as long as she can! Anyways I am 7 1/2 months pregnant with my boyfriends baby! I know what some may think, I should of waited to start another relationship until my divorce was final! But it didn't work out that way! I fell in love again! And this pregnancy wasn't planned! But we decided to keep it cuz we knew we we're meant to be together and I couldn't go through an abortion! I feel so stressed though because in the state of tn the law is that since I'm still legally married this baby is considered my soon to be ex! My divorce can't be final until the baby gets here and a DNA test is done! My attorney is tellin me the court will have to appoint a guardian ad litem... What is this? What does this even mean? This is suppose to be a happy time for my boyfriend and me, even though it probably wasn't the right time and unplanned, but it's turned into the most stressful! I'm just lookin for anyone to talk to! That may be able to offer some advice... Some one that is or has gone through the same thing! I feel so lost! Thank u for takin the time to read my story!
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  #2  
November 10th, 2009, 06:19 AM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 39,401
I am sorry you are going through this.

I hope everything works out. I just don't understand how the baby could be your ex's just cause you are still legally married that law doesn't make any sense to me.

I wish you the best of luck
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  #3  
November 10th, 2009, 07:11 AM
Caalypso's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Sherbrooke, Quebec
Posts: 251
Hey! I'm so sorry this time has become such a stressful time for you
I'm just a lurker here and fell on your post. Not sure how the law of your states work, but i'm a law student in Quebec, Canada and here.... if you're legally married to someone and pregnant there is a law presumption that the child is your husbands. This is only a simple PRESUMPTION that can be pushed aside by having another man sign the birth certificate or by simply proving that you haven't lived with him in the last 10 months.
So basically, if you had a child and no man signed the birth certificate and what not, the presumption would be that your husband is the father (which can be pushed aside later on). And if your boyfriend signs the birth certificate, it should push aside such presumption.

It would seem rather extreme that the law would just say that the husband is the father and that's that. Try to get more information on those laws in your state, and i'm sure there is some sort of support line you could call that might be able to give you some information!

GL hun' and keep us posted!
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  #4  
December 18th, 2009, 08:16 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: St. Louis,MO
Posts: 590
Oh my gosh,..ive been looking for someone like you!

Im not in the same exact situation,..but very similar and cant find a single soul to talk to.

My husband and i also split up, moved into seperate homes and filed for divorce. This was 14 months ago. Well we both began seeing other people. Then this past June rolled around and we decided to give it one last shot. We have 4 children and just didnt want to give up too soon on our family that once was so perfect. Well the week we started to rebuild our life,..i found out i was pregnant! OMG. i freaked. I told my husband right away. I hadnt been sexual with husband since March,..i didnt get preg til end of May, so there was NO question who's baby it was. I was devestated to say the very least. Anyway, afraid to tell my husband, i knew i had to. To my suprise, he hugged me and said, "it'll out work out. Dont stress out, you have to take care of "our" #5." I was stunned!! Did he really just say that?? Did he really just hug me??!

So here i am now 32 weeks pregnant. We have been together this entire pregnancy. We have had a few ups and downs obviously, but overall things are really good. However, we never legally stopped the divorce papers.

SO,..i too am terribly confused as to what is gonna happen at birth! I have no clue. Bio-dad is not around. He is a loser and doesnt want any responsibility for her. We havent had any contact since i was 6-8 weeks pregnant.

My husband continues to say the reason he is afraid to stop the divorce is becuz he is scared bio-dad will show back up. So husband wants bio-dad's parental rights removed legally so that baby girl will legally be his.

I dont know what to do about her birth cert or anything! And what about insurance?? Sounds stupid to worry about, but i am legally still covered under husbands cuz we're still married. But what if he freaks out when she is born and runs? Then what? Im still married so she cant get state covereage. But can husband tell insurance she isnt his and then im stuck with who knows how much in medical bills?? Im freaking out.

My attorney said that he will send papers to bio-dad the day she is born stating he has 30 days to respond. If he does not, he loses all parental rights for life and can never come back to fight for her. Im not worried about him ever wanting custody. He already has a child he doesnt see or pay for.

I live in IL,..and our law too states that baby is legally my husbands until proven otherwise. They also will NOT finalize our divorce til baby has DNA test. We'll we cant even get bio-dad to agree to test without legally forcing him. He is such an ***. So this is goning to be a huge battle i can tell. I still do not know where my marriage is going. We live together like we did before we ever seperated. Never leave eachothers side, sleep in same bed, share all money, go on dates, you name it. We live as a normal married couple. But we have a closet full of monsters! Meaning our legally crap. Things are wonderful til the phone rings and its an attorney or something. Then reality hits and i realize im in a complete mess here. Im not sure if our divorce will be stopped or if we will continue. Sounds silly to divorce being the way things have been, but ya never know. He hasnt left my side this entire preg, but that doesnt mean he wont change his mind when he sees her. Im so scared of delivery day. Terrified!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions for me or if you have any advice for me! Like i said, i cant find anyone in real life or online that has ever been in my situation. Everyone who's situation started like mine, the husband left when wife told him she was pregnant by someone else. I need to find someone who's husband stuck by them. I'd like to know how the delivery went. Im sure the emotions are going to be all over the boards for both of us.
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  #5  
December 18th, 2009, 11:19 AM
Sweetpea0708's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Just lurking....but I would look into your state laws. In New York, no matter the biological father, my husband would be the legal father (and have all legal rights) automatically. The only way to dispute this is by a paternity test and acknowledgement of paternity by the biological father.

So for the OP, you would need to petition for a paternity test to change the birth certificate.

Sadie, (hi btw! ) in your case, since the bio dad is not in the picture, the only way to worry about anything would be if the bio dad decided to petition for his legal rights.


Again, my response is based on New York State laws. My advice would be to check with your specific state for their laws and/or loopholes, because it would seem that in the OP case, maybe an acknowledgement of paternity could be signed by the bio father at birth, especially if the husband is not present. I don't think it would avoid the paternity test but it wouldn't hurt to ask.


ETA: Sadie, if you don't plan on divorcing your hubby, you don't need a paternity test from the bio dad. However, if you DO decide to divorce, you will need your DH to have paternity test to prove the child is not biologically his. As far as preventing bio-dad from appearing later in life, since your DH is legally the father, the bio-dad would have to petition for his rights himself, and I don't honestly think you can stop him (though he would have a hard time getting anywhere depending on how long he waits to pursue it). If you can get him to agree not to pursue, then even better for you guys, but as of right now, he technically has no legal rights as it is until he can prove he is the father.
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Last edited by Sweetpea0708; December 18th, 2009 at 11:24 AM.
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  #6  
December 18th, 2009, 02:25 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: St. Louis,MO
Posts: 590
Youre right,...bio dad could petition for a patrnity test and rights at any time,.UNLESS we have them removed. And this is the hold up with DH. He is demanding they be removed bcuz he is afraid he will fall in love with this lil girl and raise her as his own and then a few years down the road bio-dad show up and crash our life.

There is no way in hell this guy will respond in 30 days. Even if he did, my attorney is making it very clear that there will be a court ordered drug test, home inspection and all other kinds of nonsense that he will have to address in order to prove he is fit enough to have her. He can no way clean his system out in 30 days nor would he want to! He has serious problems as you may remember me saying months ago. BUT theres always that chance that he will fight. I cant see it happening, but ya never know. I mean here i am 32 weeks preg and he has avoided every single call and text since like 8 weeks. This guy wants nothing to do with her.

Im more looking for someone who has experienced giving birth with someone other than the biological father in the room. I have no clue what to expect. How is he gonna feel when he sees her? Is he gonna wanna hold her and stuff or just be there for me? Im expecting a rollercoaster of emotions, but wish i knew more of what will happen. He is furious when he found out i told my OB that the baby wasnt biologically his. To the point of wanting me to change docs! He said, "what makes you think i want to be in the room with that doctor knowing she isnt mine? He's gonna think im a ******* for staying with you." I just dont know if he's gonna want his family there or not. He hasnt said and honestly im too afraid to ask him. What if she comes out looking just like biodad and DH changes his mind and says its too hard?..UGH, this SUCKS! Its gonna be here so fast and im freaking out.

I know DH wants her to have his last name cuz i mentioned giving her my maiden name,..(in case we did get divorced she and i would have same last name.) He didnt like that idea at all! Only thing with that is, he wanted bio-dad to agree to sign rights away at birth BEFORE DH will sign birth cert. Im so confused i could scream. DH hasnt let me tell ANYONE that she isnt his baby! Not even my own family. He wanted it to stay between us. He thinks she will be treated differently if people knew,..and he said thats not fair to her. Which i understand, i see his point. He says, she will be his lil girl no matter what, but he doesnt know if his family and others would see it that way. Well no im afraid if he changes his mind at last min and backs away from all this,..i will have a whole bunch of explaining to do to a whole lot of people! Im so afraid of telling my kids My 7 yr old wil understand a little bit and thats awful. What do i say? Jade's daddy is missing. Jade's daddy is living far far away. I mean wth? They have an awesome daddy. They will wonder why Jade doesnt have one. And what about Jade when she is 2 and her 4 siblings get to go with daddy somewhere special,,,,,i have to tell that lil girl she cant go. That breaks my heart. I cant even think about it anymore, yet its so hard not to. Im so worried and stressed out. My dad isnt around and my mom is single for like 20 yrs now. So only grandparent Jade will have is my mom. My other kids have his whole side. Im just afraid she is gonna feel so left out if DH changes his mind.
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  #7  
December 18th, 2009, 04:06 PM
Sweetpea0708's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Check your laws on statute of limitations on "abandonment". I'm not quite sure what "rights" the bio dad would sign away if he doesn't have legal rights to begin with (which he won't), but as far as agreeing to not petition for those rights, 30 day notice might or might not be sufficient.

As far as your DH being in the room, I think the only person who can answer that is your DH. You guys should have a long heart to heart about his feelings about the birth. See what he says, you might be surprised. Good Luck!
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